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Fat2PHAT
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So here we are: Day one of my pre-op sugar and carb free liquid diet. I was terrified to wake up this morning for the fear that my hunger would be so bad I would fail, fail once again on my weight loss journey. But I pulled on my big girl panties got up put two feet on the ground and started my day. I began with a few drinkable yogurts, some jell-o and a coffee. A black coffee without the delicious milk and sugar but hey the caffeine is what I wanted. For dinner it will be broth but I look at this as my last fad diet, the last time I will ever see the scale go up, the last time I will fail.
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Today is Friday one week until I go for my gastric sleeve. I am nervous about the pre-op but more nervous about the new life I have to live. I have always been fat. Always. When I look back at my food addiction it stems from when I was young; too young to be that fat or that controlled by food. I remember grabbing a stack of Oreos and eating them behind the couch so no one would see, I remember spending my allowance on donuts from the store by my house, eating 2 candy bars in the dressing room when I was supposed to be skating etc... My love for food and eating has gotten me to where I am now. 301lbs at 29 years old and struggling with fertility. I have always looked like I weighed less but I knew and only I knew how fat I was. I want to be able to do certain things I can't now...daily life things. Ride a bike, sit in a booth in a restaurant, and buy clothes that I WANT to wear, be able to say NO to food and to be able to say YES to exercise.
I fell madly in love with an extremely handsome and healthy man. He is my everything. I have a love for him that is beyond words and when he married me at my heaviest (300lbs) I knew I wanted to do this for not only me, but for us. He looks at me with such love and desire that my heart explodes how he will look at me when I am thinner. Although he claims to love me for me, which I know he does I can’t wait to be on his arm and look the way I feel. He doesn’t deserve a fat wife! As we prepare for this surgery together I can see him light up when I talk about our new life, a life of exercise and sports instead of BBQs and cocktails. I want to be healthy, I want to be happy. Not ‘an everything in my life is great except my weight happy.’ A true, I feel like how I should feel happy. Not in pain, not in denial about my weight, not disgusted when I take my clothes off but happy.
Yesterday my husband went shopping for my pre-op meals, he loves me, he truly does. I am excited to start this new journey with him but man alive am I ever scared. How will I adjust? How will I change everything? How will my lifestyle change? The easiest thing in the world to be is fat. No doubt about it. When you become comfortable with fat it’s easy. Eat what you want, when you want, at anytime that you want. It’s easy. Becoming healthy will not be. That my friend scares me. As I embark on this journey I will blog throughout I will blog my feelings and deepest darkest thoughts. This could get ugly but it will never be as ugly as my ass is
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