Jonathan

I think most morbidly obese people would agree, on the surface, with the statement "I'm miserable because I'm fat". I also think most morbidly obese people would agree, after reflection, that the truth is, "I'm fat because I'm miserable".
Or, optimistically, "I'm fat because I *was* miserable, and I developed eating and lifestyle habits that led me to where I am now."
It feels kind of "cheap" telling my "story" in a post on a forum, because it took me over 3 years of therapy and a LOT of soul searching to understand why I am the way I am. And I'm not sure knowing has helped much. (In fact, in OA/AA programs they say, "Self knowledge avails us nothing." But that's a discussion for another post.)
My mother abandoned me when I was 11 months old. I was adopted by WONDERFUL parents who gave me a far, far better life than I would have had. But I've come to realize that I developed a severe fear of abandonment, and for some reason, the emotional/physical "high" I got from eating abated that fear.
Although I am at an age where fear of abandoment is irrational, I have not been able to overcome the eating habits I learned over the course of my life. Nor have I, as of yet (though I suspect I'm on my way, thanks to the band), been able to break my addiction to whatever physiological response my body goes through when I eat foods in large quantities.
As far as your post, DeLarla, I'm with you in every way. My biological father is a non-functional alcoholic and my brother is bi-polar. I can only assume some mental disorder from the woman who left her 2 1/2 year old and 11 month old child and never looked back. And I do my food damage (even now) after 7 PM. I'm great during the day -- controlled, responsible. When night comes, all I want to do from dinner until the time I go to bed is eat.
Jonathan

This is one of my journal entries from last year -- pre-band, when I was still trying to fight this battle on my own... every day thinking that tomorrow would be the day I'd turn things around... I thought I'd share it with you all, in case there's anyone out there still waiting for tomorrow to change their life...
If Tomorrow Never Comes
If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face this world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes - Ronan Keating
You may not know who Ronan Keating is, but there's a good chance you've heard these lyrics sung by either Garth Brooks or Barry Manilow at least once in the past ten years.
The thing is, with all due respect to Barry, Garth, and Mr. Keating, I've come to a realization about "tomorrow" that has enormous ramifications for those of us who need to make sweeping lifestyle changes.
Obviously, it's impossible to change yourself yesterday. It's incredibly difficult, as we all know, to change yourself today. But changing yourself tomorrow -- that's the easiest thing in the world, isn't it? I can't begin to tell you the number of times that I've said "Tomorrow I'm going to start a new diet, so I'm going to enjoy the rest of today." In fact, I said it as recently as yesterday, while eating a tub of popcorn (with layered butter, of course) at the movies.
The problem is, however, that tomorrow never comes. You go to bed, thinking that tomorrow holds the key, that tomorrow is a new day, that tomorrow you'll make every right choice, that tomorrow you'll begin a lifelong change for the better. Then you wake up, and to your dismay, it's not tomorrow -- it's just another today. And there's nothing about today that makes your struggle any easier. Then, sometime, after making all the wrong choices for all the wrong reasons, you pick yourself up and think, "Tomorrow will be different."
What that brings, at least for me, is the realization that I will never change until I am willing to change today.
As much as I love both Garth Brooks and Barry Manilow, it turns out that little Annie had it right all along. Tomorrow, you're always a day away, and evidently that's just one day too far.

I think most morbidly obese people would agree, on the surface, with the statement "I'm miserable because I'm fat". I also think most morbidly obese people would agree, after reflection, that the truth is, "I'm fat because I'm miserable".
Or, optimistically, "I'm fat because I *was* miserable, and I developed eating and lifestyle habits that led me to where I am now."
It feels kind of "cheap" telling my "story" in a post on a forum, because it took me over 3 years of therapy and a LOT of soul searching to understand why I am the way I am. And I'm not sure knowing has helped much. (In fact, in OA/AA programs they say, "Self knowledge avails us nothing." But that's a discussion for another post.)
My mother abandoned me when I was 11 months old. I was adopted by WONDERFUL parents who gave me a far, far better life than I would have had. But I've come to realize that I developed a severe fear of abandonment, and for some reason, the emotional/physical "high" I got from eating abated that fear.
Although I am at an age where fear of abandoment is irrational, I have not been able to overcome the eating habits I learned over the course of my life. Nor have I, as of yet (though I suspect I'm on my way, thanks to the band), been able to break my addiction to whatever physiological response my body goes through when I eat foods in large quantities.
As far as your post, DeLarla, I'm with you in every way. My biological father is a non-functional alcoholic and my brother is bi-polar. I can only assume some mental disorder from the woman who left her 2 1/2 year old and 11 month old child and never looked back. And I do my food damage (even now) after 7 PM. I'm great during the day -- controlled, responsible. When night comes, all I want to do from dinner until the time I go to bed is eat.
Jonathan

I think most morbidly obese people would agree, on the surface, with the statement "I'm miserable because I'm fat". I also think most morbidly obese people would agree, after reflection, that the truth is, "I'm fat because I'm miserable".
Or, optimistically, "I'm fat because I *was* miserable, and I developed eating and lifestyle habits that led me to where I am now."
It feels kind of "cheap" telling my "story" in a post on a forum, because it took me over 3 years of therapy and a LOT of soul searching to understand why I am the way I am. And I'm not sure knowing has helped much. (In fact, in OA/AA programs they say, "Self knowledge avails us nothing." But that's a discussion for another post.)
My mother abandoned me when I was 11 months old. I was adopted by WONDERFUL parents who gave me a far, far better life than I would have had. But I've come to realize that I developed a severe fear of abandonment, and for some reason, the emotional/physical "high" I got from eating abated that fear.
Although I am at an age where fear of abandoment is irrational, I have not been able to overcome the eating habits I learned over the course of my life. Nor have I, as of yet (though I suspect I'm on my way, thanks to the band), been able to break my addiction to whatever physiological response my body goes through when I eat foods in large quantities.
As far as your post, DeLarla, I'm with you in every way. My biological father is a non-functional alcoholic and my brother is bi-polar. I can only assume some mental disorder from the woman who left her 2 1/2 year old and 11 month old child and never looked back. And I do my food damage (even now) after 7 PM. I'm great during the day -- controlled, responsible. When night comes, all I want to do from dinner until the time I go to bed is eat.
Jonathan

I think most morbidly obese people would agree, on the surface, with the statement "I'm miserable because I'm fat". I also think most morbidly obese people would agree, after reflection, that the truth is, "I'm fat because I'm miserable".
Or, optimistically, "I'm fat because I *was* miserable, and I developed eating and lifestyle habits that led me to where I am now."
It feels kind of "cheap" telling my "story" in a post on a forum, because it took me over 3 years of therapy and a LOT of soul searching to understand why I am the way I am. And I'm not sure knowing has helped much. (In fact, in OA/AA programs they say, "Self knowledge avails us nothing." But that's a discussion for another post.)
My mother abandoned me when I was 11 months old. I was adopted by WONDERFUL parents who gave me a far, far better life than I would have had. But I've come to realize that I developed a severe fear of abandonment, and for some reason, the emotional/physical "high" I got from eating abated that fear.
Although I am at an age where fear of abandoment is irrational, I have not been able to overcome the eating habits I learned over the course of my life. Nor have I, as of yet (though I suspect I'm on my way, thanks to the band), been able to break my addiction to whatever physiological response my body goes through when I eat foods in large quantities.
As far as your post, DeLarla, I'm with you in every way. My biological father is a non-functional alcoholic and my brother is bi-polar. I can only assume some mental disorder from the woman who left her 2 1/2 year old and 11 month old child and never looked back. And I do my food damage (even now) after 7 PM. I'm great during the day -- controlled, responsible. When night comes, all I want to do from dinner until the time I go to bed is eat.
Jonathan