insubordination

Yes, I'm Australian MVR. Bandsters are really ripped off at those all-you-can-eat places. I'm going for my 2nd fill tomorrow too. I'm sure I've put on weight but I always think that. Hopefully, I'll post back with a loss.. I have to remember that it's not a race and it's not a diet club. We won't start really losing until we're properly filled. I was fine the first few days after my first fill but then the restriction went away. I don't have high hopes for the 2nd fill. I'm thinking the 4th might be more realistic. So what's everyone else up to besides obsessing over weight? Any NSVs? ETA: Hair loss. I had an undiagnosed thyroid problem for several years. I used to have gorgeous hair but it thinned to the point of baldness along the part. Luckily I'm tall, so it goes unnoticed for the most part but it was really, really bad for a while. It started to grow back a little once my thyroid issues were corrected. I'm a blond but it grew back a brownish colour. It was really funny as it was never as long as the rest of my hair. I hope it doesn't drop out again now but I'll live if it does. My aunt has lost all her hair in chemo just now, so I have some perspective for the moment. Just want to say that it *can* grow back and you won't be bald for life.

I *would* go to Vegas, if it weren't in another country! Hmmm, I have a friend who invited me to visit her in NY any time I want. Maybe I could kill two birds with one stone. I will fit comfortably in the plane seat this time next year.

I think it's fine if you have just been on the consistency of yoghurt. Don't worry about it but definitely don't eat solids until your doc OKs you.

I believe I can feel it, especially when I slouch.

Good on you Mark. Start all over again with your wardrobe. Only wear things that fit and suit you and that you love.

Ahhh don't worry Marga. It's not weight watchers. Everyone's talk about exercise got me off my butt for a 30 min walk. I admit that I enjoyed it and I can definitely notice that I'm lighter and I can walk quicker and more easily. I know the people with long-term success all exercise. What the heck is my problem? Bread got stuck huh? I haven't tried it yet for that reason. Have had a few crackers though. My food demons are really getting to me this week. It's tough sometimes. It always seems to rear its ugly head when I'm worried and under pressure at work. *Sigh* It's a transition, isn't it? Am still really happy I am banded and I hope everyone else is too.

Good grief! Why is that? You poor dear.

It is obviously not working for you if you are feeling sick every day. Is the doctor who said it's all in your head the same surgeon who placed the band? I think you should insist on the barium swallow and have it checked. I also think that you should consider having it removed if you are sick every day as the idea is that you're health should improve, not become worse. It must be hard for you to come here and see people having such success. I'm so sorry because you've been through a lot. 1. Talk to your family doctor 2. Insist on a barium swallow to find out why you have these symptoms. Has it moved? Are you overfilled? 3. Make the decision that's best for you and your health without reference to your doctor's feelings (which isn't to say you shouldn't consider his opinion). Please don't feel guilty about any of this. We are all individuals and you have a right to take charge of your own health. You did it before by deciding to get the band, so you have the capacity to do it now. Please let us know what happens. We do care.

I want to get honest with myself. Pre-banding I used to binge eat when I was stressed with working long hours under lots of pressure or sometimes to wind down on Friday night. Other times, it might have been ToM related. I've done this since I was in primary school. It's as though something possesses my mind and I must cram vast quantities of food in my mouth. I think about it non-stop until I have binged. Once it's over, I feel guilty but also happy that the urge was met. I can almost feel a glee in my blood as I'm driving home with the food. I even gave bulimia a try when I was 16 but found it distasteful after a while. I continued the binge eating for many years but decided to swallow the food instead, which led to massive weight gain. In high school and uni, I remember trying to get money and then buying a full trolley of food which I ate in my locked room (and disposed the wrappers carefully and secretly). I never told anyone but I tried to address these urges by reading books about it and by keeping a 'grab bag' of healthy binge options (carrot sticks and the like) but it didn't work because I obviously wanted something unhealthy to hurt myself in some way. Sometimes I wouldn't binge for months on end and sometimes I'd do it four times a week. When I wasn't bingeing, I'd sometimes write really, really long lists of all the food I wanted. I'd put these lists in a cardboard box and when the box was full, I'd burn it (man, this gets sicker, doesn't it). Then I discovered the 'chew and spit' and thought it was the greatest thing. I've been doing this on and off (depending on whether I was on a diet) right up until my pre-op diet. Post banding, I still sometimes get the compulsion to eat huge quantities of food (not necessarily junk food all the time either) but I know I can't because of the band. I haven't put excessive food in my stomach even once since being banded because I don't want to ruin it but I'm disgusted to say that there is a bowl of gunk and junk on the coffee table next to me which I have just chewed and spat (spit). As I've become older, I admit that this behaviour has dissipated significantly to the point where I can live with it. That's why I thought getting the band wasn't such a bad idea. I don't feel as messed up now as when I was younger (I'm 31). While it's not a huge problem anymore, I want to stop doing this. At the same time, I have to admit that I also want to do it. It fulfils the urge I have to binge eat without ingesting all the calories or feeling sick. Going for a walk or deep breathing or meditating won't cut it. I've chewed and spat twice in the last two weeks (counting today), which far less than usual. Apart from my teeth, I'm in no physical danger but it's not normal or accountable. I wasn't even stressed today. It was a beautiful day. Why did I do it? It is an insult to myself as well as all the people in the world who don't have enough food. I acknowledge I need therapy for my food issues. I'm seeing a banding psychologist next week and I fully intend to bring this up in the first session. I wonder what she'll say. In the meantime, I want to know whether anyone else does this and is sick of keeping it a secret. Let's discuss it. Maybe it will help to know we're not alone. I sometimes can't imagine a life without abusing food. It fulfils a need in me which I don't fully understand.

Where there is a will, there's a way. I took 9 days off work because I had a hernia repair as well. I was a bit weak the first day or two but fine after that. Does your job involve a lot of heavy lifting because that would be a problem. Most people are fine in 5-7 days. Research hiatus hernia repair and mention that that's what you're having. It will explain the diet. Also, you are trying to take everything on all at once. You can't take on the next few months in one moment. Just jump each hurdle as it comes. Yes, the not eating is hard and the operation hurts a little but, all in all, it's not that bad an totally worth it.

Just clear out your freezer so you can store the body parts.

My doctor and dietician told me not to count calories. I was happy because I've been obsessive about that kind of thing in the past. I love my doctor. No calorie counting, complex carbs OK, no protein gram rules. The only rules are exercise (oops) and no liquid calories (OK there) or stuff that melts (um chocolate=bad). I can deal with this as it keeps me out of the 'diet' mentality which has not worked for me in the past. However, I have been really concerned about getting adequate nutrition. All my meals are small but highly nutritious. When/If I stop losing, I'll still have room to improve. I think I'm OK because my BMI was over 50 before this. I was eating huge amounts of food and now I eat about 35% of what I did before (no kidding). I can't 'binge eat' now and it's really not hard to have a big calorie deficit for me. I'll be honest that I was probably eating 4000 cals on many days before and barely gaining weight. At a guess now I'd be 1500 - 1800 on a 'chocolate' day and 1200 on a 'good' day. Also, having my blood sugar levels normal must really help get the weight down. Plus, I would say that I definitely have some restriction as food does go down really slowly. I have to stop now and then to let it settle. No PBing or sliming yet thank goodness. I have been really careful. I daresay some of you were very active or dieting even before this so it's not an enormous change for your body until you get good restriction. Then the weight will come off. I agree, we're all in a desperate hurry. It doesn't work like that, does it? You know a funny thing? I was eating a frozen meal tonight (vegan lasagne) and the packet looked so small yet the label said 'serves 2'. I giggled and thought, "as if". I cut it in half anyway and will save the rest for tomorrow. It was a different experience eating just half. Odd! Is that really how much human beings need? Could it be that suggested serving sizes are accurate? Welcome V. Glad to have another Junster.

Hee. We do go into this with the best of intentions. For about a week I've been watching my portions and eating healthily and bam I bought some chocolate. The funny thing is, I didn't even want it. I just bought it because it was on special. It's so ridiculously illogical. I'm not exercising either (except on weekends). You guys are so good. I'm full of excuses too such as the fact that I don't get home until after dark. Sigh! I have an appointment with my physio/exercise consultant next week. Perhaps he/she will motivate me. I don't really care because I'm still losing but I know I should be doing it for my general health and well-being. Heather: I could tell from your photo that you were hot. Strut that stuff. QuadMom: It's so frustrating to work hard for no reward. You shouldn't have to diet. Just eat normal food in small portions. I've had to buy small containers and bowls to remind me how much (little) to have. I seem to have restriction (or at least I believe I do), which makes it easier. Plus I live alone so I'm not surrounded by food. Must be tough but you're doing great. Dawn: I know exactly where you're coming from. I stayed on mushies and extra two days out of fear/convenience. I just don't want anything to happen to my band so I'm sticking to the instructions to the letter (well, except for chocolate on a couple of occasions). However, it is a necessary transition. My dietician told me to constantly have liquid/puree is a mistake because you won't acquire the skills to eat a wide variety of food. Go to the mushies and then to the solids as you are 'ordered'. Mushies was great for me. So many new tastes. I freaked out when I finally ate a cracker the other day. I was sure something bad would happen but nothing did. CBM: I haven't put on any weight so far and I'd hardly consider myself the bandster poster child. Even if you did happen to put on a bit, don't beat yourself up. Once you are properly filled, the weight will come off and stay off. I'm sure of it. CptnDan: We did all notice your weight loss. I'm sure you could have got to goal in short measure but you're right, it's the keeping it off which is the important bit. Your weight loss probably will slow as you increase calories but it will be a natural response. Then your body will get back into gear again and get the rest off. Then you're going to be trim captain for the rest of your life. By the way, did you know there was a 'man' section on this board. I saw a thread for it before. Not that you can stop posting here mind. Howdy to Toni, Holli and Janine and Faith and everyone else. Hope the liquid/mushies guys are doing OK. Not long to go now.

I love how someone can just nonchalantly tell you to stay on Optifast for another month or more. They have no idea.

<p>I would start with swimming as it's not as weight bearing. If that's out of the question, start with a stationary bike.</p>

It is made of solid silicone which hasn't been shown to have any ill-effects. I guess if we did find out in years to come that it was detrimental (like liquid silicone implants were found to be), we could have it removed or replaced with a new kind. I'm not too worried at this point. I mean I'd rather not have something inside me but if I had to have a steal plate or a pacemaker or a hip replacement to save my life, I would. I see the band as life-saving for me.

Suzzzie I know this is the opposite of what you asked for but my port site has always been flat like the rest of my skin. It looks just like a very knife small cut. If I press, I can feel my port down there. I never had any bruising. I did have a slight infection from leaving the sticky things on too long (one was wet) and got a bit of pus in one end but it cleared up without anti-biotics after a day or two. I hope yours is normal but it doesn't sound it to me. What did you doctor say? Has anyone else had a raised port site? The fact that you've been in pain for three weeks rings alarm bells.

Oh I get that. I really do. I probably don't have a quarter of the problems you have but I still numb my negative emotions with food. We all do it. I guess we're going to have to find more constructive ways of dealing with this compulsion when we are experiencing negative feelings (if someone says 'go for a walk instead', I'll lose it). I seriously think the band has the potential to work for us. I was grocery shopping the other day and didn't buy a few things because I knew they: a)Would go off before I could finish them (10 dolmades won't fit in my stomach pouch now). or b)Weren't good for me and defeated the purpose of banding (Tofutti cuties - ice cream sandwich thingies) I made a constructive choice for myself and my health. Of course, I don't do it every day but at least I'll have something to build on each time I do. I find myself worrying whether I'll get enough vegies and protein and healthy carbs in at the moment rather than how much delicious stuff I can cram in my body. I think we should all encourage each other along this route but give sympathy and understanding when we have a blowout. This thread has been so wonderful for me so far - like free therapy. Thank you all. Oh and Marga, if I could pin a medal on you for today, I would.

<p> We can edit. You just have to click on 'go advanced' and edit away. However, the tags are there (such as the tags to indicate paragraphs) and you have to delete them or it looks strange. I'm sure this problem could be easily fixed. My band seems to be working as it should (I've had one fill) but it is easy to succumb to 'soft' temptation. I have had chocolate a few times and I can see how something like that could get out of hand. I'm going to lay off it for a while or just have a tiny piece of the really strong stuff. I have also noticed that it's really hard to eat in the morning but easier at night. I'm a bit paranoid at the thought of PBing and sliming and am nervous when eating solid vegetables but some broccoli and carrot went down OK yesterday. I chewed them into oblivion. A couple of funny things I am noticing are: I just ate a meal. Now normally pre-banding, I would be ready for a second helping not long afterwards. Especially on the weekends when I would just eat all day. Now I realise 'Oh, I'm full. I physically can't have another meal.' Odd! Another thing is, I am buy far too many groceries. I live alone so my family can't eat them. I have a month's worth of food around the place. I'd prepare meals and put them in the freezer but I did that last week and my freezer is full. I don't know whether it's taking me time to adapt to the much smaller shopping or it's my food obsession taking another form. I can't eat it but by God I'm going to buy it.

My post-op diet sheet allowed coffee and tea straight away. However, it recommended 1 cup only.

Well yes, now I know what the difference is. New Bandsters really seem to want one. I assumed that I'd get it since I was only banded a month ago but I found out I had a Swedish 9.5ml. Then I realised as my 1 soggy weetbix went down very slowly that it didn't matter. Besides, I think I have the same one as Mikey Robins.

That text message must have been heartbreaking. Have you had your thyroid hormones and blood sugar levels checked? Maybe there is an underlying problem.

I guess it's just different degrees. Someone with a 6 month sentence, a 20 year sentence, a life sentence and a death sentence are all in prison, but it's different in its degree of hope. I always feel that there's normal fat and then there's me- freak of nature. I guess lower BMI bandsters were once a normal size. It must hurt so much to have that taken away and become fat. I've always been fat so I can't imagine. I went for a fill the other day and there were 10 others at various stages but 5 newly banded. I was the biggest even in that room. I want to be 'not the biggest' just once (not that I would wish anyone to be bigger than I am). I was the fattest in every grade in school, the fattest at university, the fattest in every workplace, the biggest in the world so I thought. See that I don't even have a ticker? That's how much shame I have about what I look like. People don't treat you well. They avoid you in group situations and try to get as far away as possible. They sense we're not right. You have to be really intelligent and work very hard to get a fair go. Basically, you feel like a social pariah and barely human. It's almost as though I am observing the human race and its behaviour but I am not allowed to be a part of it. They don't sell as many plus sizes in Australia as in the US, so to look decent for work, I could only fit into the largest men's size available (7XL). I just knew that I couldn't work if I put on any more weight at all yet I know if not for the band, it would have kept going up. Apart from absolutely having to work, my only saving grace is that I stopped eating meat or dairy years ago. Otherwise, I'd be on a Jerry Springer episode being hauled out by a crane. I often wonder what it is that made me so different. I now finally feel that I'm clawing my way back to 'human' status. It feels serendipitious as I was so fearful that it would go the other way and I'd hit 400 and beyond. Now my BMI is under 50, I am more human that fat. I can feel my positivity slowly creeping back. I now feel that some of my and dreams will finally be fulfilled. I'm only 31 and I now have hope for the years ahead, though I can barely dare to believe it. I'm not going to be immobile and die before I'm 40. I'm all for lower BMI bandsters. They have to do it or they may become like us. You think you wouldn't get beyond a certain point but you can and could. Since being on this site, I have quite a few people as heavy or even much heavier than I am. I can relate more to these people's experiences because we share a terrible secret and it's so heartbreakingly wonderful to know we're not alone in this. There are other people who have to work this hard at life and face the fact that we are responsible for our self-imposed prison. I don't know if that is quite what you were asking but it felt good to write those words. I don't think I have suffered any more than anyone else on this board, I just have a special affinity for the 50BMI + ones. We have so much more to gain. No one has anything against lower BMI bandsters. We want to be one of them!

Wow, you look like a totally different person and so much younger. Shorter too!

PS Angel123, I forgot to answer your post. Do you think it's gas pain? It can get pretty bad. My pain lessened each day and wasn't too bad at all on day 6. However, I also thought I could feel my band (still sort of can in a way). I found breathing a little harder in the first few days and was also bloated but then it got better. I think you should be feeling better by now. Did you stop taking pain meds? Can you see any signs of infection? I think if the pain is not better, then you should call your doctor.