hannah

Today is a week post op for me, I am still a newbie to the site but I thought I would put myself out there this way. I was around 70 pounds lighter four years ago when we started dating. He has made it known that the weight has been an issue for him. "Are you really going to eat that?" "You want more?" "Maybe we can work out together" "Is it your weight that makes you not want to have sex?" Before surgery sex was a chore for me.. When I thought about it, I got tired thinking about shaving my legs and the whole thing seemed like a chore. Probably because he wasn't so subtle with letting me know that my weight was an issue.
But beyond that.. Like I said, I am one week out. All together since my consultation, giving up pop, liquid diet, surgery and this week post op I have lost 37 pounds. Not once has he said something about it on his own. When other people notice he is all "yeah I see it". Today we were in bed watching Fringe and he kept trying to instigate sex.. Which I GET. Its been a while. But I just don't feel up to it yet, chalk it up to healing my body and my self esteem. So when I finally get him to understand I am not going to give in, he is mad. Which again, I get. There have been plenty of times I wanted to be with him, and then I think about how he doesnt like my body.. whats jiggling during that shouldnt be.. and I get disgusted. So you know what he does? He gets a big bowl of chili (MY FAVORITE) and eats it right next to me. I wanted to flip that bowl of hot chili on his lap. Can you say Hormonal Hannah?
I had a point, this wasn't going to be just a rant but thats kind of what it turned out to be. When I did my psych evaluation that is what she said to me. That problems like this would be amplified. The fact that I know he wasnt completely satisfied with me before and that he would more then likely be more interested in me after would bother me and I had to find a way to work it out with my self esteem.
Has anyone had this issue? Or maybe something like it? What did you do?

Shoot, I wont lie. I have wanted to chew food up until it feels like I have eaten it and then spit it out.

So secure with himself, doesnt care what anyone thinks....the confidence spreads like wildfire
AWESOMESAUCE!!!

Whoops, you did not say that.. I got carried away

I found this somewhere on the world wide interweb. Feel free to take, modify and share. I have been using it as inspiration on my first few post op days. The part in the italics are where I modified it and made it personal.

MY BODY PLEDGE



I vow to love my body--starting now, however I feel, where ever I am, whatever size I am in.
I vow to stop bashing my body & fight back against my bad thoughts--I have to learn to love myself, if I cant, how can I expect others to?
I vow to stop snide comments that make me feel less--I am not less, I am a whole hell of a lot more then that. I can lose weight, I AM losing weight. You are ugly and cruel on the inside.
I vow to stop comparing myself to others--This is usually my inner monologue. I know I will need help on this one
I vow to not be affected by the media--Your perception of beauty is not the only perception of beauty.
I vow to accept that ALL body types are beautiful--including mine. Before surgery and now. When I am swollen, bruised and in pain. My body is metamorphosing like a butterfly and this step in necessary.
I vow to recognize my strengths--Humor. Compassion. Loyalty. Patience. Perseverance. Courage.
I vow to not let my mistakes keep me down--We all make them. It is knowing the difference between setback and failure.
I vow to not change my personality--My self esteem maybe higher, but the root of me is still the same. I am exactly who i was before, and if you couldn't see through the extra weight to find out what kind of person I was then you don't deserve the opportunity now
I vow to stand up for myself & others--We all deserve love and respect.

Two for me too. I think I am going to have a good cry too. Then maybe indulge in myself. Shave my legs, paint my toenails get my bag ready. Try to get out of this funk.