Globetrotter

It's my birthday next month, I am middle-aged with nothing to show for it.

216.2 this morning. I feel worthless. Just one day of carbs in the 50g - the "indulgence" of some salted cashews and a pumpkin coconut flour muffin (that I baked) - and I gain 4 pounds. And what is the point in going to an endocrinologist, they won't believe me, you know the drill... Also, remember I had the extreme intestinal anguish last week? During that time and continuing, I have also had oddly placed abdominal pains. The intestinal thing was lower intestine and was 4 days of diarrhea (sorry). But this has been just at/under the bottom line of my right side ribcage, very much like the pains I used to get when I had a gallbladder and it was going bad. In fact a lot of similarity is going on with this pain and my pre-cholysystectomy pain. WTF? Tomorrow is 60 days of this, after 60 days of similar effort last year, I had lost 19 pounds. This time - 6. I feel like I have wasted my life. I have never found love, I have not had children, I have not contributed to the world, I have not become good at something. And now I am .... just worthless.

The obsession with pills and hard ons really ticks me off - it just goes to show how utterly greedy and callous most men really are and any claims they make in the beginning are just a means to an end - their end, of satisfying themselves. The point being, that most women wouldn't give a rat's behind if their man had an unreliable boner - HE'S GOT FINGERS AND A TONGUE, HASN'T HE?? So when men complain about not having good sex lives, it is the height of self absorption. hmmph. Unfortunately (for me) the only generous lover I have ever had, I have zero attraction to (now) and find incredibly irritating. :/

The concert was fantastic, the actual music only lasted two hours between the two acts, and I stood in line for almost that long but it was totally worth it, beautiful music with thoughtful lyrics - awesome! 212 this morning, I have no gone from constant diarrhea into the exact opposite, so ......

Denise, since before your recent surgery I have felt the need for you to have a stong(er) advocacy system in place, I feel like your doctors are just poking around, throwing stuff at the wall to see what sticks, without any real concern for you as a patient, you need a patient advocate. I mean, was the first surgery even necessary? As necessary as they are now claiming this second one to be? Hmm.... CherylJane, Atlanta, yuk. Hot AND humid, worst traffic in the continental US (Honolulu has worst overall) and exorbitant cost of living. Having said that, you would probably enjoy the surplus of activities and the very social culture. 213.2 this morning. I don't believe it though, since it is just a result of three days of non stop diarrhea (sorry) and not eating. Huge concert tonight of my favorite band, Macklemore and Ryan Lewis, so stoked!!!!

I have never been in love, not truly, not genuinely. I have a pattern of talking myself into believing that I feel something, I am persuasive, it is perhaps my greatest strength and weakness... I want to make it clear that I genuinely do not think highly of my professional skills, but the analogy I am about to make might make it seem that way... The way I feel at work right now is the way a Triple Crown winner would feel if they were bought by a farmer and just put in a corral with some hay and occasionally made to pull a small plow. Or, it's like someone buying a Faberge egg, and keeping their toothbrushes in it, on the sink. I feel like an object that was purchased just for the sake of saying that they have one, not because of any genuine interest in it. This sucks. Because of my health issues, I cannot be without health insurance, also because of the structure of bonuses etc., I cannot just up and quit. So, mega frustrated. At last weigh-in, I was at 213.2. I haven't weighed myself in almost 4 days though because I have been slayed by either a norovirus or an IBS attack or just the end results (no pun intended harhar) of a major anxiety attack. I have gotten in maybe 300 cals each day since the intestinal distress began and last night just gave up entirely. Today it is hot tea. Oh hey there is one neat thing, I recently crocheted a pair of hedgehog teacosies, I've decided they are a big sister and a younger brother, Agatha and Arthur

"The most interesting rat in the world" sorry, had to make the joke!!

<p>I don't average 700 cals, I get in 650 cals, MAXIMUM, I log every bite and lick, including my chewing gum. I have had the thyroid tests and I don't have PCOS. I know how hard I'm trying, I know to just ignore people who suggest I "really" pay attention to what I'm eating and doing, because I already am.</p> <p>For reasons that have yet to be understood by physicians, my metabolism appears to be broken. It is a life of weighed chicken breasts and leafy greens (and not even much of those).</p>

CherylJane, I agree with you on the foodyfoodlustfoodcreeper vibe, almost like .... a combination of voyeurism and baiting people? I am hugely angry right now, going through some major anger, at the world, at my body, at the scale, at my job, at my age, at having never been loved by someone I want to love, at so many damn things. Just, angry.

I'm sorry but that kind of post is part of the frustration for me. "you've lost the weight before so you know you can do it. Don't spend time beating yourself up. Instead, spend that time evaluating whats caused you to go back down that road, then begin on a new road by building yourself up and taking time to get healthy again." It's like people don't want to know, don't want to hear, don't want to understand. Even though it says don't beat yourself up, that's just what the next portion of the sentence does - it shames the individual. "spend that time evaluating whats caused you TO GO BACK DOWN THAT ROAD" Because, obviously, it must be "something they did" that made them gain lots of weight back or be at a never ending stall. That is classic blaming and shaming. Only few of us are being vocal about it, but the numbers are far larger. We did everything we were supposed to do, and never achieved goal. We had stalls and regain and addressed them in the way we were told to, and nothing happened. I have eaten and exercised like a post op, flawlessly, for the past 53 days and I have lost only 9 pounds. When one is severely overweight (do not pay attention to my numbers in my profile, they are sadly incorrect) 650 calories a day and less than 30g carbs should not result in barely 9 pounds in almost 3 months. Not when the person is 5'3" and 65 lbs over goal.

215 this morning. Apparently that 214 was just my body being a dick. This is so pathetic. "I think I would be less bothered by my joint issues except it's like I FOUND THIS WHOLE LIFE, this active life, this "there are no limits to what I can do" life - only to find that was very short lived! ha. I love it and don't want to give it up and it is not clear to me a way forward." That quote Sheryl, that's it exactly. That is why this inability to lose weight is causing so much anger and almost hatred in me, of me... I got this brief little window into life as a Real Girl, not invisible, invited into all the reindeer games, only for my body to go ha ha, just kidding!! It feels like a G-D betrayal.

Sounds like you need your horses more than ever, now. I hear they are excellent therapy animals.

Going to the movies alone is AWESOME. 216.2 lbs, even though my carbs only hit 40 one day, otherwise they have been below 20 for over a week. Thursday morning I was 214.6, now I am 216.2 That is not awesome.

This morning: 214.4. Either this keto thing is working or my body is just downright malicious with a f***ed up sense of humor :/ Broke up with my boyfriend this week. He was not reciprocating my efforts. v_v

Yep let it all hang out cowgirl, it's what we're here for My garlic mayo is just straight off Google - one egg yolk, a pinch of salt and pepper, a tsp of dijon, just enought water to thin it to your desired consistency, and a whole lot of the oil of your choice. I happened to have a garlic olive oil so I used that. The trick is to drizzle the oil in the finest thread and continuously, while whisking steadily without stopping. I have no idea how much fat I should be taking in on a keto diet but for the three days I have been doing this I have been at about 40+g and my carbs are in the 20s and my protein is between 70-90.

Kim, love the 19th century tart stockings!!!! Weighed this morning - 214.6 so, perhaps this higher fat thing is good? You know how malicious my body is so I won't believe this is legit until I've either maintained it or slid down at least 5 lbs, then I'll believe.

Well, weighed this morning, still 215.8, like it has been for a week. Today coho salmon and homemade garlic mayo

5 pounds a month would only be 60 pounds, which would have me at 155 - still overweight and still over goal. So, today's calories are 882, carbs 20, protein 98 (!!) and fat 42. we'll see tomorrow...

Thank you Chimera. There is a slightly scared part of my mind that plays what if.. what if this is due to something ELSE wrong with me ... anyone know a way to get good fat into your system without lots of calories?

I want your opinions ladies, as many of you as can/want... it is now day 41 and I have lost 7.5 lbs, following a post op diet. That means my carbs have been at 30-40g and protein >60g. I haven't paid attention to my fat intake, it gets tracked but I don't care, it all comes from clean hormone free animals, raw grass fed butter and milk, and organic coconut oil. What about increasing my fats? I'm not talking about drinking straight from coconut oil jar (eww) but making a concerted effort to get X amount of fats in? I'm really at my wit's end, and I don't go to a doctor because they just won't believe me. They won't, you know it. They will just privately believe I am a liar and that I am sneaking food etc etc etc.

no to lipstick, yes to sleeve4Me

I ate 4 dates on friday, that was my only "extra" carb for the weekend, and Sunday I woke up 2 pounds heavier. My carbs must stay at 30 or less to lose, 40 or more and I gain.

I can remember learning about anorexia and bulemia when I was a teen and learning that in a twisted irony, former anorexics will end up being required to be on strict diets the rest of their lives because they had so thoroughly destroyed their metabolisms that their bodies now put on weight way easier than if they had never been anorexic to start with. I remember thinking, "man, that SUCKS, what a twisted sick irony!" And now, here I am. I think in a way, we were sold a bill of goods. Not with malice or intention, but a bill of goods nonetheless. We were told that we would lose a significant amount of weight and that we would have this tool that would be an assistant, along with psychological growth and nutritional education, that would be working guardians of our weight and health. We were not told that what was really happening was a starvation period that would give us short term gains and long term losses (the bad kinds of both), that the weight loss was a flash in the pan that would maybe get us down to a socially acceptable weight but that we would *actually* be required to be on a severe, head-case controlling diet for the rest of our lives, just to stay acceptably average or chubby. While other "good" dieters and health conscious people are eating in moderation, mostly vegetables, no sugars, etc. and getting rewarded for it, I must measure gram by gram, and cannot even eat a damn DATE without consequences. It is clear to me now that I cannot even do 5:2 and expect to maintain, 5:2 and I GAIN. I understand now. I am required to be on 600 calories a day, 30 grams of carbs or less a day, and greater than 60 grams of protein per day, if I hope to even lose 3 or 4 pounds a month. Which, by the way, was what I lost when I weighed 240 lbs and ate 1400 cals a day and lifted weights.

So good to hear from you Chimera, i know how tough it has been for you, oh do I know!! I sympathise AND empathise. So, an increase in carbs, over 30g, even "good" carbs like the dates, results in gaining weight. that is just.... sick.

I thought we agreed on Sleeve4Me but not Lipstick. I ate 4 dates 2 days ago and this morning, up 2 F**KING pounds.