Globetrotter

Denise - I have no messages from you, maybe resend? Well, I did it! I did not cave in to the chocolate monster and I finished the day at 642! AND, I was rewarded this morning with a new all time low - 163.2!!!!!!!!! So close to the 150s I can taste it My breasts though are still so dang enormous!! I wonder if it is something I am doing, like caffeine intake? Kim, read this - http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/10717431/Why-Ive-ditched-statins-for-good.html

So far so good, I pushed my schedule forward so that I would be in the office till late, it keeps me honest with my food to be in front of people. By days end, IF I can avoid the late night chocolate monster, I will finish the day with 642 calories, which is good. I drank hot tea all morning, sweetened with coconut crystals and a splash of almond coconut milk, then had a humongous salad for lunch that took me the entire afternoon to eat, and for dinner I will have a little yogurt with some guava paste and a sprinkle of coconut. On the professional front, please collectively cross your fingers for me, I have an interview this week (skype) with a potential employer in Seattle! I have already had round one interview. Also, the men in this program make concerted sneaky moves to purposely destroy the professional reputations of women in this program, slander so great it cannot be ignored. Also, the new team leader has a scary scary temper, he is untruthful, does not communicate, and makes appalling mysogynistic comments in the office. He's a civilian. I hit my head pretty hard about a week and a half ago, hard enough to make me nauseated and my eyes feel unmoored. I then had an emotional outburst the following day, I don't know if the two are related but I did have that TBI last summer... Freaking out because there are apparently bills from my stay in Germany in Sept and my worker's comp claim closed, FU**!!!! I just want to get the eff out of here.

Today is going to be interesting, to see whether or not I self-sabotage; this morning I weighed in at 164 flat, my lowest post-op weight. Every time I get to 164, I do something to sabotage it, I go on a carb bender, I stop working out, etc. So I think it is a plateau both for my body, and my mind. I can feel the desire, to eat.

Isn't progesterone a pregnancy hormone? It would stand to reason that you would gain weight. Day four of eating vvlc, weight hasn't budged.

I have a couple of the things in the addiction but not all and def not some of the scarier ones, like I mentioned if I fall down I sometimes use it as an excuse to jump over the ledge. So if i have 3 oreos, I use it as an excuse to then have a tbsp of cashew butter, which leads to a grilled cheese, which leads to chocolate cake or cereal. and I could have been having an excellent perfect fast day with zero desires up until that one hiccup, and then I just fling myself off the cliff. After reading that article though I realize that when I reach for the grilled cheese or the oreo or any of it, that it is a cue for me to step back and take a look at what has happened, probe around and see what I am trying to hide from, what got me so scared I had to reach for the food to hide inside? As for the other bit, about the scale, maybe I did not explain it well enough. I wasn't complaining about a 5 pound bounce, I was ticked off because I LITERALLY stepped on the scale, got one number, stepped on again and got another number. It is digital and the batteries are fresh but the floor isn't perfectly level and the scale is several years old so I don't know. considering how huge my breasts still are (seriously I'm still in a frickin DDD cup!!) I'm pretty sure the lower awesome number was not the real number but still - stupid jerk scale!! Toying with my emotions that way!! The only other scales here are those old doctors sliding scales and those are notoriously inaccurate.

http://www.bariatricpal.com/page/articles.html/_/mental-health/addiction/now-this-clarifies-food-addiction-r178 holy. crap. This is incredible.

Wow, Phentermine sounds like the drug for me :/ I did NOT start my day off right,and it is the fault of ye olde scale-beast and this was a particularly cruel trick; I haven't been on it in a long time because I had fallen off a carb cliff and was resetting with 5 day pouch, I went to the bathroom, then stepped on the scale. It said 160 and a thrill went through me! But I always double check, so I put the scale in a different position on the pretty even laminate floor, and it said 165. !@$^&^#*@@!~#&*!!@!@$#%$!!!!!!!!!!!!! I got on and off several more times and every time, 165. Stupid fu**er piece of $h!t machine. Yes the batteries are fresh. >.<

I for one do not agree that cholesterol and weight are automatically synced, I think that genetics and WHAT you eat, not how much you eat, are the biggest factors. Not everyone is the fervent proponent of natural medicine/food as medicine/homeopathy/anti-chemicals as I am, but I stand by this. I will BET you Kim, that with a little homework and changing up what you eat and changing your exercise routine, that your numbers will go down without you "having" to losee 5 pounds. I mean come the frick on - we here of ALL people, know how the American medical community just LOVVVES their security blankey of blame-the-fat (person), yet how many of us were super active when we were obese? Quite a lot actually. How many of us had decent cholesterol and BP? Quite a few actually. Losing weight is not the silver bullet for damn everything. Sorry, rant... Have you had your individual cholesterols separately measured? Family Hx?

I saw a photo of myself recently on a mission, I had a heavy coat on under body armor, a scarf around my head, heavy duty pants and boots, and I did not look fat. I was startled by how normal my legs looked, they were simply not fat, in any way. wow.

My relationship with junk food is reminiscent of the alcoholic/drug user to their drug. If I slip, then I use it as an excuse to fall over the cliff, I can't even watch tv shows or read books where there is food being eaten or described, it instigates the desire. There were times when I would rather be eating than having sex (in my defense the sex was not that good). I cannot keep food in my living quarters because it will get eaten, all at once, not a little at a time. I cannot have one fried mozzarella stick, I want 10. I have successfully fasted the past 2 days and will do so again today, rebooting the system after last weeks carb madness. The first few days without sugar and white carbs - you really do feel like a junkie with the DTs but after about 3 days it goes away and so does your appetite. But if I could, honestly, I could eat 10 grilled cheese sandwiches, 20, all day long.

Managed to fast until late at night when I ate two little squares of chocolate, bringing my calories for the day to 700 :/ Doing pretty good today, I need to make it really difficult to get to those chocolates ... maybe put them in the bottom of a tough box and shove the box under my bed...

Attempting to fast today, yesterday I ate nothing but cookies, in one giant midday binge. My emotions are all over the place; my Mom found a house in town which is wonderful but it also means she will be leaving the neighborhood that our house was in - when she had to sell after my Dad died she was able to move into a camper just one street over. We lived out in the country about 15 min outside of town, now she will be moving into town. Staying just a street over from our house made it easier somehow, the same drive "home" every day, being in physical proximity seemed to make the loss less terrible. She said that when she found this new place in town that she new it was right, it was what she had been looking for, waiting for, and that night she said out loud to my Father, "I'm ready David, I'm ready for you to come to me in a dream". For 14 months she had actively been telling him no, she wasn't ready, he better not try to reach her in dreams, and he didn't. Now she was ready, she told him, and he did. Her recounting this to me, and telling me of what she dreamed, just broke my heart and I just lost it, total sobbing, snot pouring sort of crying. Totally freaked my team out. Since then I have been just empty, forlorn, and listless. I feel hugely fat, am petrified to step on the scale, haven't fasted in ages, haven't worked out because of that iliac crest injury, work is overwhelming, feeling incapable and irritable. Just tired of all of this bullshit, just want to get a job that will allow me to go home.

That sounds like a punishing schedule, particularly for someone only 3 months post op? I'm surprised your Dr has cleared you for this level of intensity, does your Dr know you are at this level? At three months your body is still healing internally, whatever it may look like on the surface. Adrenal fatigue is very real and right now you should be more focused on your diet, your psychological approach to food and the lifestyle changes you are cementing as new habits. If all it took was exercise then, according to your pre-surgery routines, you would never have needed surgery. Recovery from obesity is holistic and not just about punishing oneself at the gym.

shingles are just a type of varicella (chickenpox), though they can be more hazardous in older adults. oatmeal baths, don't scratch (easier said than done). Yesterday was supposed to be a fast day and I was great until the lights went out, I was at 530 and then suddenly talked myself into eating chocolate and trail mix that brought my count up to past 800. I do have a tax person helping me out, but I have no idea how to begin on the medical bill thing, there doesn't seem to be anyone willing to help here.

"Sounds like a hell of a day Florinda! Those oreos are the devil to me as well.. The last mini binge I had I at least took the "stuff" out of the middle first.... There are very few things I just can't have in the house, but those are one of them! 7 pounds must be at least 6.5 of water... drink lots of water, chop the salt for a few days and that might help. Do you think the hip is an injury? Run for your dreams girl! The sooner you head for them the sooner you will be living in them! Almost any situation contains a blessing. Even the hellish ones! The list you gave of "loser" traits you fear will make you up, all can be fixed, learned from, or used for something good. You are a creative person... dont forget to look at the possibel up side of any situation, and go there!" Please Kim, if you can find an upside in any of this, I am listening. Since I wrote last, the IRS has come after me AGAIN, saying that I owe capital gains tax on my investments, to the tune of $8K, AND TWELVE bills have come in from when I was seen in Germany 5 months ago - which is supposed to be free since I am a deployed civilian. The world is trying to break me, I have been strong for so long, what the F**K am I missing?!!!! WHAT THE F**K WHAT THE F**K WHAT THE F**K. It never **cking ends.

Can you give me an example of what you have done so far?

out here I cannot get access to tumeric or that gel, I do have my foam roller and I keep rolling out but it effing hurts, and now the other hip joint is hurting from compensating.

In excruciating pain, my iliac crest and the iliac psoas that wraps around it, feels like the crest is made of steel blade and it is trying to slice through my flesh . It came upon me while I was running on the treadmill the other day, which means I won't be able to do much of anything at all at the gym, cannot do ANYTHING that uses that hip, not even stretching. Today was supposed to be a fast day and then I checked the mail: a small box, forwarded from my last post, it contains the memorial bracelets I had made for my team leader that died in December. After that I just started mindlessly stuffing Oreos in my mouth and nibbling sunflower seeds like a crazed chipmunk. Also, the scale says that I am 7 pounds heavier than I was one week ago when my scale arrived. I don't want to be without status again, I'm sure this is incredibly shallow of me, but I have gleaned the kind of self worth from my status the way a lot of women probably get it from being told how pretty they are or whatever. For 5 years I have been able to say that I am a Department of Defense sociocultural analyst, working with Generals, State Department, going into villages in far off lands, having a government ID card that gets me discounts at hotels and lets me breeze through airport security, and makes me feel like I was doing something with my life and was some comfort every time I would hear about girls I graduated from high school with, whose kids are starting high school now (yeah, do the math there...) And now, what will I say? "Hi, I'm middle aged and unemployed, unmarried, no children, no health insurance, and homeless." And, I'm not proud of this and I KNOW it is bad, I'm confessing here because it is a safe place - I binged the other night on bad foods, and then went and threw up.

Nutrition is actually 80% of effort where the workouts are 20%. It is not only enough to eat clean, but also to eat low glycemic carbs and high quality whey for breakfast and high glycemic carbs and whey Protein after working out (4:1 carb to protein ratio). None or very little carbs for the rest of the day, except from veggies. Casein protein at night before bed (muscles need it to repair at night). Eat protein 2 hours after working out to begin the muscle building phase that lasts until the next day. It is best to eat 500 calories below a set calorie amount to lose 2-3 # a week and 500 calories above that amount to gain. Eat every 2-3 hours to facilitate building muscle and keeping insulin levels stable. This is exactly what I do, I have eaten precisely like this, to no avail - unless it is vvlc of 600-650.

Holy pricetag Batman!! $350.00!!!! I will have to figure something else out. I agree with your assessment, rolling out with a lacrosse ball helps in the moment, but not long term. The medic injected me with Toredol yesterday which is basically liquid Tylenol and not only did it not help but it made me nauseous as well. I can't take NSAIDS, as we sleevers should avoid them, but I don't want to lose the gains I've made in strength and muscle tissue, while I recuperate,it could be weeks. Ideas?

So CGJ what could I be doing instead of "heavy" lifting, to combat my similar-to-your issues? I'm experiencing excruciating pain in my right iliac crest, the iliac psoas, which came upon me suddenly during a treadmill run the other day, every movement of my leg brings pain, it feels like my crest is made of steel blade and is cutting through my flesh. So I guess that means I can only do either arm exercises or calf lifts, nothing that involves the hip joint. Ideas?

The only thing that works for me is 600 calories a day and not exercising. I have tried every permutation of diet and exercise since being sleeved and 600 is the only thing that yields results. Calories in/Energy spent just is not true in my case. I have worked with personal trainers and ate 1400 very clean calories a day, only to lose a mere 4 pounds in a month, not what you expect when still obese. I have done Insanity 5x a week and eaten only 800 cals a day and not lost an ounce. So now I am in a pickle - I exercise because it feels good, it relieves stress and tension, and makes my a$$ look great, but I stop losing weight when I exercise.

I too have an overly straight lower back. I took up running and my right iliac crest/psoas is excruxiatingly painful.

Coopie Doll I loathe the administration of your school for not recognizing you! I want to come over there and shake a fist in their collective faces! grr!! And you my dear, I think you need to go buy yourself a giant pair of boots, the kind that lace up to the knee, and go in there and do some $h!t kicking, Your forehead does not have "welcome, wipe your feet" printed on it!!!! Ms Skinny I keep forgetting that you are a therapist, would you mind PMing me? I have so many questions and am looking for advice as I turn my face toward the goal of gettiing a PsyD iot become a clinician specializing in trauma acceptance. The most immediate hurdle is that I do not come from a psych background and so must complete several prereq courses and take the P-GRE, before I can apply to the programs. I know what I want, I genuinely do. However, I am a realist and this sadly does sometimes curtail my ability to hope and dream :/ I need money. I did not come from money, I have had to earn and scrape every penny, I have perhaps an inordinate fear of being a homeless beggar on welfare, and I coo and pet my money hoard, if Scrooge McDuck and Mr. Crabs had a lovechild, it would be me. I want to share a bit of .... I don't know what emotion to ascribe here, it isn't anger, or necessarily pure jealousy, although it is probably in that sphere; here I am, dodging bombs and getting scarred for life just so I can scrape together a tiny bit of savings, and I have a friend who is super lazy, took 10 years to get her BA, but her Father died and left her his life savings plus his home, which she sold. From that alone she was able to buy her own house AND have enough savings that she was able to take the first year of her second child's life off from work (albeit on disability) . So, she struggles of course, she is a single Mom of two boys (13 and 3) but, if she wanted to, all she would have to do is sell her house and boom, she would have more cash money savings than I do, without having to risk her life. I guess that makes me a little grumpy. As much as this job feels pointless, I am also afraid to not have it, I am afraid to be without the salary and status this job has imparted, I'm not gonna lie - it has felt good to have this sort of prestige for the last five years. I just need to keep reminding myself, it's only for another 12 weeks, in 12 weeks I can start trying to get medivac'd to Germany again. I don't want to be invisible again!

Over exuberance for sure got me yesterday; I had a painful illiac psoas last week and rolled it out and babied it and it got better, then yesterday I did cardio which included running on the treadmill. I was doing well and feeling good, until the treadmill, within 5 minutes the iliac crest was on fire and I have been in pain ever since