Zoe

Crystal, I just checked out your weight-loss chart. Would anyone want to invest in a company whose stock price showed the same decline? No way. You are on a gradual downward trend. Numbers aside, your health and body have improved so much that you must be counted as a Lap Band success story. Keep those NSVs coming!

I am on a journey towards health - physical and mental. Although I DO hope a by-product of that journey is a smaller physical me, my challenge to myself is to accept where I am, embrace where I am going, and to be kind to myself along the way. I want my life/thoughts to stop revolving around my WEIGHT, and to continue to LIVE as I was learning to do while I was banded.

This sucks! What is with those Vegas docs, anyway -- don't they realize what's at stake here? It's ridiculous that you should have to do all of the legwork just to get a competent doc to read your endo. But after the muck clears, I am confident you will get a real answer. . . without having to go to medical school. Sending good vibes your way.

Wow -- I was about to lie down for my afternoon nap when I found this thread. Thank you, everyone, for the kind thoughts.

I had a total abdominal hysterectomy on Oct. 3; now I'm home, hugging a pillow to my belly, shuffling from the kitchen to the living room for exercise. Tina's report is accurate: I'm tired and sore, but OK. On Friday my staples come out; that's also when I find out when I have to go back to work. I'm hoping not for a while! I'm really getting into the nap-read-vegetate routine.

Pollyanna Department: Between the removal of the massive fibroid and loss of appetite, I'm down 5 lbs. I wouldn't recommend this diet plan, however! But at least my body is back on track for a little more weight loss -- and no more fibroids. (I sent my last box of tampons to Tina for hurricane evacuees.)

Thanks again. I love you guys!

Great goals, everyone. Sarah, I love that you are now lighter than your driver's license weight! Now THAT is something we can all dream about. And, Jenna, it doesn't matter what size you were. I remember once thinking that I would love to weigh what you did pre-band. . . then I realized that there were lots of bandsters out there who would love to be my high weight of 273, and I got over myself. We're all fighting the same battle here, so everyone's welcome!

Is it the emptiness, the nothingness, you hope to flee? What kind of life do you want to have? Do you have moments where the nothingness isn't quite as bad, or is it the same horrible thing all the time?

Lou, if you prefer, you can just ignore this post of mine or reply via PM.

Hi Loulou -- Another depressive signing in here. I second what Cindy, Leatha, and Crystal said. Talk to the doctor who authorizes your antidepressant meds and tell him/her what you're going through.

To question the reason for our existence is a normal part of being human. So is despair. But to suffer "clawing and screaming just to make it to the end of the day alive" when the external circumstances of your life are not forcing you into psychic torment means that something is very wrong. Believe me, I know.

For many of us who have suffered paralyzing depressions, mood medications not only helped but transformed, even saved, us. And like our fickle band fills, we don't always get the "sweet spot" dosage or drug the first or second time around.

I am truly sorry to hear you are feeling so horrible, but I am encouraged by the fact that you chose to write something here to your virtual friends. Please take the next step and get immediate medical help.

Bumping for newbies -- and for a quick update. It's been a year since I started this thread, and I've actually met some of the goals.

1. To weigh less than any of my brothers for the first time since birth. YES!

2. To be able to buy clothes in a "regular" store and department, and not have to pay the women's-size premium when ordering through a catalog. (Notice how petite sizes don't cost any LESS than misses.)YES! But I still like Lane Bryant trousers since they fit my big behind and come in tall sizes.

3. To have my arse stop moving when I stop walking. Not yet. Probably never!

4. To be able to keep up with my nieces and nephew without having to take a nap. YES!

5. To have my driver's license weight be inaccurate, because it's too high. Not yet. But now it's at least plausible -- a mere 19 pounds off instead of 92.

6. To be able to sit in a tourist-class airplane seat without having to lift the armrest YES! and also not to have strangers wince when they realize that I'm seated next to them.No comment!

New bandsters, please be patient with yourselves, no matter how hard it seems. Change does happen. Check out Vinesqueen's wonderful list of NSVs for great insights on achieving success with your band.

Hi Magic -- you might want to check in with Pink Mary (I think that's her name); she had her band installed in Europe for a very reasonable price.

Well, Parvathi, your shopping experience counts as an NSV for sure. I can relate to everything you said, especially "I thought I was bloody massive! Now when I see those pictures, I would kill to have that body again." I think it was Jack who wrote, "I'm finally down to the size I swore I would never get up to."

Babs, how long does it take to recover from the plastic surgery? I imagine the swelling would last a long time. If you've written elsewhere about your experience, please forgive the nosy question.

I've been thinking about the Tribe of the Large. My size has always been such an integral part of my identity that I don't think I'll ever see myself as non-large, no matter what my size. . . kind of like someone who switches religions but still identifies with the original practices they know by heart.

Home equity line of credit -- I remodeled my kitchen and my body in the same year.

Marilyn Monroe was a size 16. Keep that in mind Zoe and Maru!

And when you describe yourself as having purple (or now magenta) hair, you never ever have to mention size. (well, almost never...)

Yeah, but MM was around before vanity sizing. I bet she'd wear a size 10 if she were around today. Not that I bear any resemblance to her at any size...

That magenta hair looks fabulous in your photo, Vines. Mind you, these days if you're a woman who describes herself as having salt-and-pepper hair, you rarely have to mention size either! If it's good enough for George Clooney, it's good enough for me. BTW, your therapist sounds like a keeper.

You know how some of us don't think we're big even though we are, and some of us don't really see that we're smaller than before? There have been many great LBT threads on the subject of distorted body image. Well, I just got hit with it, and I had to write.

I met a grad school advisor off-campus today; we hadn't met before, so I described myself as 5'9", large, with salt-and-pepper hair. I really think that's a valid description of me -- I'm still almost 200 lbs. Well, this tiny woman took her time identifying me, and as we were leaving, she said, "I thought you said you were large. I was expecting someone. . ." and she spread her hands about a yard apart.

Yes, I know I'm smaller than I was. Promise! But I'm a size 16, and while I might not be humongous, I'm still large. No, I'm not being falsely modest. I really take up lots of space in all dimensions. But I wonder if maybe I've come to see largeness as not just a way of looking but a tribal identity.

Is anyone else going through this now?

BTW, I'm having a hysterectomy on 10/3, so I should lose a few pounds and inches when my giant fibroid is removed! I'll still be large, though.

HB, and many many more! Treat yourself to something special today.

DeLarla, those clothes I sent were all PB-free! But if you want some "broken-in" items, please let me know. . . always glad to help. The pants in question are a tall size!

Fantastic! Congratulations.

O mighty tortoises, I started out as a rabbit but I have become a snail. I still am averaging a little over a pound a week since I was banded, but have lost only 3 lbs. in the last four months -- a weight-loss rate of 0.17 lbs/week. Alas, I guess I don't really qualify for membership yet, but maybe I could start an ex-rabbit auxiliary. I think your slow-loser group is a great idea!

Hi Kare -- Well, I'm out and proud. I URP. And I had the worst PB ever last weekend due to a not-chewed-quite-enough bit of overcooked hamburger. . . I was driving down a multi-lane expressway when I felt that telltale "stuck" feeling and pulled over to the nearest exit. Unfortunately the icky thing decided to dislodge itself a few yards from the gas station, and I was without my usual plastic bag or cup, so like an idiot I stopped the car and just let it fly -- into my lap. About a cup of slime and a tiny piece of hamburger. I slowly made my way to the gas station, as the slime-blob worked its way down the car seat. By the time I parked, my crotch was covered with that PB slime we all know so well. You can imagine the looks from the other customers as I held my head high and sidled off to the ladies' room like John Wayne!

I PB (rarely). I URP and stop eating (more frequently, maybe a couple times a week). I urp and keep eating (on occasion). No lectures needed -- I know it's not good bandster behavior. Those of us who do this sometimes are not necessarily ignorant, just human. Count me in, Kare.

Affy, you've gotten some great advice here, including tips from Texans. I agree that you should talk to your doctor and see what he can do to help document your weight-loss attempts. Complete all the effing forms for BC/BS -- and if they turn you down, appeal! And remember that a lot of us with modest incomes found ways to finance the band surgery outside the US, if it comes to that. (I used a home-equity loan.) Good luck -- don't give up!

Hey, Jean, step away from the ledge! A lot of us have experienced what you're going through. Some of us went on to get easy insurance coverage for the band, others had a long fight -- and then there are those of us (like me) who ran south of the border.

That "letter O" moment isn't pretty. But please see a regular doctor before you hit panic mode. Count me as one bandster who put off seeing a GP for years because I was ashamed of how fat I was, and I knew I'd be told to lose weight. In other words, I didn't get the medical care I needed because I feared that a doctor would tell me what I already knew.

You may not have any of the so-called "co-morbidities": high blood pressure, sleep apnea, joint and skeletal problems, diabetes. But you won't know until you get checked out. So please find a doctor you trust -- one who's not a rabid anti-fat fanatic -- and find out where you stand.

Maybe you're one of the fat-but-fit who doesn't need to take radical steps. Maybe you've got a condition or two that can be easily treated with drugs and minor diet changes. Maybe you're a candidate for the band. Whatever the case, you owe it to yourself to find out. Once you have real information, you'll still have to deal with any emotions connected to the O-word, but at least you can make an informed decision on what to do next. I've been there! Good luck.

I'm rereading these posts for the first time in months, and I'm stunned by the depth of feeling and clarity of insight on this thread. Keep your stories coming; if you've been reading but haven't posted yet, please write a few lines about your experience. Why are you fat? You're safe here.

Maybe that's the rule in Idaho, Vines! Guess I must be a Brit at heart. . .

Judy, not to be contrarian (yeah, right), but a lot of us go through what you described. It's sort of a big farewell to food, as if we aren't going to be able to eat our favorites again. Lots of us did it. That's not to recommend all-out bingeing, but if you just gotta have something, don't beat yourself up. And as for the liver business, every doctor gives different advice, and sometimes require a liquid diet only for patients with BMIs of 50 or more. An enlarged liver poses a greater surgical risk for larger patients, and some docs recommend a short stint on liquids just before banding in order to shrink the liver and make surgery safer. If your surgeon hasn't mentioned it, please don't panic.

Confession: I ate barbecued ribs, french fries, and corn on the cob the night before I was banded, with my surgeon's blessing. I am not recommending this program! But I was fine.

Good luck. Hang in there -- the days and weeks before band surgery can seem to drag on by, but the big day will finally arrive.

Thanks, Nickie, Teresa, and DVSABoss. Good luck with your fills!

I don't think we can talk about existentialism on this thread unless we have some naked pictures of Friedrich Nietzsche and Jean Paul Sartre, preferably with toys!