SillyAuntDi

So the list just grows longer and longer. the benefits of my current 50lb loss include:
 
--Dropping my b/p meds and having normal b/p for the first time in years.
 
--Smaller clothes...this is so much fun and so encouraging. I don't always see the difference in the mirror, but I see it in my clothes. Nice incentive to keep on keeping on.
 
--I feel better. I move better. I sleep better. I am smiling so much more.
 
--And now one very big one that will keep me on track for a long time. I visited my knee doctor yesterday. My right knee is a mess. I've known I'll need replacement for sometime now. But, I've been too young and too overweight. But...because I've had my surgery, it's going to be closer. He's not going to make me wait until I turn 50. I can have it when I lose another 50-75 lbs. I'm so excited! No more pain. I have no cartilage in my right knee. I'm bone on bone. I also have bone spurs and lots of nasty arthritis. I got a shot of cortisone yesterday that will help with the pain. I'm limited to doing cardio ONLY in the pool. No treadmills, no elipticals, no stairs (except at home to get to my bedroom). So, I'm working on getting new workout plans for the pool to keep me engaged.
 
So the list just keeps growing. I'm so happy with my decision.
 
Have a great day, friends!

I've discovered since having my lap band surgery on Sept. 19th that a whole new world is really out there waiting for me...and I am quite excited by this!
 
In 7 weeks and 5 days I have learned so much more about myself than I ever would have thought possible. First and foremost....I can eat to live and not live to eat anymore. This is a big one....as a constant food grazer for the past 30 or so years...who knew you could really just eat to nourish your body and mind and move on with your day....with your life.
 
My band and I are forging a whole new relationship together and we are getting along fabulously....I'm learning to stop at satisfied, chew, chew, chew, and to eat slowly. When I do this I don't feel that pressure in my chest I experienced a few times when first back on solids. I eat when I'm hungry...this is a new one for me. I actually wait when my stomach begins to growl and really get rowdy. Why one might ask. Because I havent felt TRUE hunger in so many years its actually a nice feeling. It reminds me that this is the signal that tells me....Yup....time to put some nourishment in me....and that's it!
 
Food is not all consuming to me anymore. I dont have any cravings. I dont know if its the band or the plication but I am loving it! I realized a week ago that I can eat something like a fun-size bag of peanut M+M's and the food demon of my past will not be unleashed. I thought for sure once I had that taste of chocolate...the taste of salty and sweet...the taste of goodness and comfort and joy that those M+M's used to elicit would cause me to slip back into old eating habits and patterns. You know what....IT DIDNT. Mind you, panic over this little "snack" did cause fear in my heart and soul as I ran around the house for the rest of the night telling my hubby that I surely released "the demon". Well, guess what?...the next day was like any other banded day for me. Eating breakfast, lunch, my little snack to get me to dinner and then to my last meal of the day- dinner.
 
Now when I see that bowl of leftover Halloween candy, I glance at it and say ....aaahhh...and walk away and onto the next thing I was going to do. Moments like that I now say WOW to.
 
At work, no one (well actually only one person---the wonderful school nurse who helped me when I fell outside of work right before my lap band surgery and i basically broke down because of the stress of everything---knows). One girl has said I've lost weight.....many others comment on how great my hair looks and they all love the shirts I'm wearing. I find it funny....not sure if they dont know what to say or this is how they are noticing it. I've always been a loose fitting shirt girl, always trying to cover up all my baggage and now my clothes are beginning to hang even more. I know I've got to get new stuff but the thought of not hiding stuff is all new to me. I will come around...for I must...but this part is the hard part right now.
 
I feel good...I feel light....I feel faster...I feel more energetic. I love that my wedding/engagement ring are constantly twisting on my finger. I love that my watch needs a link taken out. I love that I can eat at home or go out to eat with my family and I CAN eat. Whatever I want....sometimes better choices than others but I can always eat everything. I DO NOT feel deprived of anything. I don't miss the constant grazing, the donuts by the dozen, the pints of Ben & Jerry's, the 2 or 3 helpings at dinner.
 
I DO LOVE that my hubby is able to reach around me better when he gives me a hug....I can keep up with my kids better....i feel better about myself....i am happier than i've been in some time.....I'm healthier.....i've lost 46 pounds and this is just the beginning.
 
I look out my window and see that whole new world that being thinner offers and at times it is scary and seems so unknown but I wont know how truly great it all is unless I continue to travel down that road and reach that weight loss goal that has eluded me for sooooo many, many years.
 
So, watch out....'cause here I come!

Come closer, I want to tell you something. It's kinda cool...but I don't want to jinx it either.
 
I've lost almost 30lbs since my pre-op appt. on September 4. That's way cool...and very exciting!
 
I don't want to tell just anybody, so it's just between you and me right now, OK?
 
Thanks

Come closer, I want to tell you something. It's kinda cool...but I don't want to jinx it either.
 
I've lost almost 30lbs since my pre-op appt. on September 4. That's way cool...and very exciting!
 
I don't want to tell just anybody, so it's just between you and me right now, OK?
 
Thanks

So, let me start with this. I love where I work. It's fantastic. My company is regularly voted as one of the top places to work in the US according to Forbes Magazine. In fact, we were ranked #1 a couple of years ago...twice. Perks here are outstanding: Free onsite healthcare, free gym access with a great cardio/weight room and a pool. You can take yoga and pilates classes on site. We have a hair salon on site (it's not free, but extremely convenient). There are 4 full service cafes on site, including one in the basement of my building. I can go downstairs and get a salad (when I'm back at that stage), a hot meal, deli sandwich or a hot sandwich. Some days we get fresh sushi. We have nice breakrooms on each floor that have various snacks and drinks. My employer is generous with time off and has been great to work with during my recovery period. My HR person even called to make sure I was back at work and doing OK after my scheduled time off.
 
It's a great place to work. Most importantly, though I love my job. I don't take any of it forgranted either. It's special.
 
I've been working here almost 15 years now. And, there is one thing that still makes me laugh. One of the "treats" we have in each break room is a weekly supply of M&Ms. Peanut and plain. There is a great person who comes weekly to refill the candy jars. It's like Pavlov's Dogs...we hear the M&Ms hit the jar and people start making their way to the breakroom.
 
Yesterday I was in the breakroom heating up my mushy lunch and the candy lady was there filling up the jars. The first bag poured in and I said "OH, we know that noise. Watch how quickly people show up." She barely finished pouring the second bag and three people came in to dig out what they wanted. They all looked at me with my little lunch. I didn't even flinch. I'm just glad I'm not one of those people anymore
 
I walked back to my desk and chuckled. And I savored my ability to break that habit and stick with it.
 
Now, I just need to get back to the pool. I miss it. But, I can't go until I've seen the surgeon and he's OK with it. I see him on October 16. Fingers crossed!

So, let me start with this. I love where I work. It's fantastic. My company is regularly voted as one of the top places to work in the US according to Forbes Magazine. In fact, we were ranked #1 a couple of years ago...twice. Perks here are outstanding: Free onsite healthcare, free gym access with a great cardio/weight room and a pool. You can take yoga and pilates classes on site. We have a hair salon on site (it's not free, but extremely convenient). There are 4 full service cafes on site, including one in the basement of my building. I can go downstairs and get a salad (when I'm back at that stage), a hot meal, deli sandwich or a hot sandwich. Some days we get fresh sushi. We have nice breakrooms on each floor that have various snacks and drinks. My employer is generous with time off and has been great to work with during my recovery period. My HR person even called to make sure I was back at work and doing OK after my scheduled time off.
 
It's a great place to work. Most importantly, though I love my job. I don't take any of it forgranted either. It's special.
 
I've been working here almost 15 years now. And, there is one thing that still makes me laugh. One of the "treats" we have in each break room is a weekly supply of M&Ms. Peanut and plain. There is a great person who comes weekly to refill the candy jars. It's like Pavlov's Dogs...we hear the M&Ms hit the jar and people start making their way to the breakroom.
 
Yesterday I was in the breakroom heating up my mushy lunch and the candy lady was there filling up the jars. The first bag poured in and I said "OH, we know that noise. Watch how quickly people show up." She barely finished pouring the second bag and three people came in to dig out what they wanted. They all looked at me with my little lunch. I didn't even flinch. I'm just glad I'm not one of those people anymore
 
I walked back to my desk and chuckled. And I savored my ability to break that habit and stick with it.
 
Now, I just need to get back to the pool. I miss it. But, I can't go until I've seen the surgeon and he's OK with it. I see him on October 16. Fingers crossed!

So, let me start with this. I love where I work. It's fantastic. My company is regularly voted as one of the top places to work in the US according to Forbes Magazine. In fact, we were ranked #1 a couple of years ago...twice. Perks here are outstanding: Free onsite healthcare, free gym access with a great cardio/weight room and a pool. You can take yoga and pilates classes on site. We have a hair salon on site (it's not free, but extremely convenient). There are 4 full service cafes on site, including one in the basement of my building. I can go downstairs and get a salad (when I'm back at that stage), a hot meal, deli sandwich or a hot sandwich. Some days we get fresh sushi. We have nice breakrooms on each floor that have various snacks and drinks. My employer is generous with time off and has been great to work with during my recovery period. My HR person even called to make sure I was back at work and doing OK after my scheduled time off.
 
It's a great place to work. Most importantly, though I love my job. I don't take any of it forgranted either. It's special.
 
I've been working here almost 15 years now. And, there is one thing that still makes me laugh. One of the "treats" we have in each break room is a weekly supply of M&Ms. Peanut and plain. There is a great person who comes weekly to refill the candy jars. It's like Pavlov's Dogs...we hear the M&Ms hit the jar and people start making their way to the breakroom.
 
Yesterday I was in the breakroom heating up my mushy lunch and the candy lady was there filling up the jars. The first bag poured in and I said "OH, we know that noise. Watch how quickly people show up." She barely finished pouring the second bag and three people came in to dig out what they wanted. They all looked at me with my little lunch. I didn't even flinch. I'm just glad I'm not one of those people anymore
 
I walked back to my desk and chuckled. And I savored my ability to break that habit and stick with it.
 
Now, I just need to get back to the pool. I miss it. But, I can't go until I've seen the surgeon and he's OK with it. I see him on October 16. Fingers crossed!

I've been extremely careful the past three weeks of my newly banded life. I've been very strict with the list of foods I'm allowed to eat. I'm meticulous in getting in my water. And, I've tried to not get overly excited by the pounds dripping off my very happy body. But...
 
Today I had to check to be sure my pants weren't too saggy in the butt. Yep. And, my underwear is creeping up my...well...you know where it creeps
 
My shirts are looking a little sloppy.
 
I'm WAY FAR AWAY from any major goal or milestone...but the morning check for saggy butt has begun. I've already got a stack of "pants I can't wear anymore because they will fall down in public." There is currently one pair in the stack...but I've started a stack
 
The little things are what keep me focused and smiling...
 
Have a great day!

I was banded 9/11. I'm thrilled! My anxiety on the days leading into the surgery make me laugh now. The pain wasn't that bad, and the shakes didn't make me gag.
 
Here are a few things I've figured out about me in the last two weeks:
 
1. I have no regrets.
2. I have TONS of will power that is just pouring out of my soul. And I don't resent what I can't have right now.
3. My sense of humor is still fully in place.
4. I actually no longer care who knows that I've had surgery. This is the biggest surprise of all. I was telling no one. I was nervous about coming back to work and having to answer questions about why I was out. Now, if they ask...I just start spilling it. It's funny.
5. I have the BEST friends and family. I already knew this, but just thought I'd say it anyway
6. I WANT this so badly. I think that's why it's not been as hard as I thought it would be. Don't get me wrong. I've had my moments. But, in all...I'm happy.
 
I'm sure more things will come to me as the days progress. More little revelations about me. More little secrets coming to the surface. But, it's a journey that I'm so happy to be on.
 
Have a great day!

I was banded 9/11. I'm thrilled! My anxiety on the days leading into the surgery make me laugh now. The pain wasn't that bad, and the shakes didn't make me gag.
 
Here are a few things I've figured out about me in the last two weeks:
 
1. I have no regrets.
2. I have TONS of will power that is just pouring out of my soul. And I don't resent what I can't have right now.
3. My sense of humor is still fully in place.
4. I actually no longer care who knows that I've had surgery. This is the biggest surprise of all. I was telling no one. I was nervous about coming back to work and having to answer questions about why I was out. Now, if they ask...I just start spilling it. It's funny.
5. I have the BEST friends and family. I already knew this, but just thought I'd say it anyway
6. I WANT this so badly. I think that's why it's not been as hard as I thought it would be. Don't get me wrong. I've had my moments. But, in all...I'm happy.
 
I'm sure more things will come to me as the days progress. More little revelations about me. More little secrets coming to the surface. But, it's a journey that I'm so happy to be on.
 
Have a great day!

I was banded 9/11. I'm thrilled! My anxiety on the days leading into the surgery make me laugh now. The pain wasn't that bad, and the shakes didn't make me gag.
 
Here are a few things I've figured out about me in the last two weeks:
 
1. I have no regrets.
2. I have TONS of will power that is just pouring out of my soul. And I don't resent what I can't have right now.
3. My sense of humor is still fully in place.
4. I actually no longer care who knows that I've had surgery. This is the biggest surprise of all. I was telling no one. I was nervous about coming back to work and having to answer questions about why I was out. Now, if they ask...I just start spilling it. It's funny.
5. I have the BEST friends and family. I already knew this, but just thought I'd say it anyway
6. I WANT this so badly. I think that's why it's not been as hard as I thought it would be. Don't get me wrong. I've had my moments. But, in all...I'm happy.
 
I'm sure more things will come to me as the days progress. More little revelations about me. More little secrets coming to the surface. But, it's a journey that I'm so happy to be on.
 
Have a great day!

I was banded 9/11. I'm thrilled! My anxiety on the days leading into the surgery make me laugh now. The pain wasn't that bad, and the shakes didn't make me gag.
 
Here are a few things I've figured out about me in the last two weeks:
 
1. I have no regrets.
2. I have TONS of will power that is just pouring out of my soul. And I don't resent what I can't have right now.
3. My sense of humor is still fully in place.
4. I actually no longer care who knows that I've had surgery. This is the biggest surprise of all. I was telling no one. I was nervous about coming back to work and having to answer questions about why I was out. Now, if they ask...I just start spilling it. It's funny.
5. I have the BEST friends and family. I already knew this, but just thought I'd say it anyway
6. I WANT this so badly. I think that's why it's not been as hard as I thought it would be. Don't get me wrong. I've had my moments. But, in all...I'm happy.
 
I'm sure more things will come to me as the days progress. More little revelations about me. More little secrets coming to the surface. But, it's a journey that I'm so happy to be on.
 
Have a great day!

I was banded 9/11. I'm thrilled! My anxiety on the days leading into the surgery make me laugh now. The pain wasn't that bad, and the shakes didn't make me gag.
 
Here are a few things I've figured out about me in the last two weeks:
 
1. I have no regrets.
2. I have TONS of will power that is just pouring out of my soul. And I don't resent what I can't have right now.
3. My sense of humor is still fully in place.
4. I actually no longer care who knows that I've had surgery. This is the biggest surprise of all. I was telling no one. I was nervous about coming back to work and having to answer questions about why I was out. Now, if they ask...I just start spilling it. It's funny.
5. I have the BEST friends and family. I already knew this, but just thought I'd say it anyway
6. I WANT this so badly. I think that's why it's not been as hard as I thought it would be. Don't get me wrong. I've had my moments. But, in all...I'm happy.
 
I'm sure more things will come to me as the days progress. More little revelations about me. More little secrets coming to the surface. But, it's a journey that I'm so happy to be on.
 
Have a great day!

Well, it is my Band Anniversary and things have changed.
 
#1 I left my husband, a cruel and abusive man. I grew a spine and walked out the door with nothing. He told me I had changed. He was angry that I lost weight. He lost his control over me. It is now a very bitter divorce, but I am free.
 
#2 I am dating again. It has been a year and I love my freedom. I have grown so much. I love myself for the first time in my life. I have excess skin, you don't like it, tough!!! My tummy hangs, you don't like it tough!!! My arms are big, TOUGH!!!
 
#3 I live with my Daughter. I am 57 years old and I live with my Daughter. I have nothing. But I am no longer isolated and alone. I would rather be broke than abused.
 
My life has changed, but I am enjoying life for the first time in a very long time. I love this stage. YES there are men out there who enjoy a more mature figure. Yes there are men out there that will take advantage of you. You just have to be cautious and never go back to the type of man in #1
 
My weight is stable. I am not thin, but I am happy. So, did I change, DAMN RIGHT I DID. Did I leave a cruel and abusive marriage, damn right I did. I started living for me. I don't care if I never have a possession again. I have my dignity. No one should live their life in fear as a door mat. Take a stand, protect yourself.
 
TELL SOMEONE, you are not alone

Wednesday it all changes.
 
I had a couple mini panic attacks over the weekend. I just burst into tears in the shower. I had to do deep breathing exercises a few times to settle down my nerves. I'm not second-guessing my decision. I stand firm behind it. I'm ready and excited. The unknown is what is grating at me...how much pain, how long will it last, what happens if I...all those crazy little thoughts that just won't quick knocking on my brain.
 
Add to the crazy the fact that I've been off the NSAIDs I take for the arthritis in my feet and knees for almost a week now. I hurt everywhere. There is no relief. Tylenol is a joke. I tried to rest this weekend, but just moving up the stairs to my bedroom was a chore. I know this will get better, but wow...I didn't realize how much the meds helped until I couldn't take them anymore.
 
Then, I decided this weekend to begin the process of kicking the caffeine out of my system. I didn't figure that would be so hard since I don't take in that much each day. I was wrong. My head hurts. At least I kicked the soda habit over a year ago. That helps.
 
Tomorrow is a full day of clear liquids. I giggle when I think about the instructions to take a shower and use a q-tip to clean out my belly button. Then, at 5:45 am Wednesday, I report for Band duty!
 
So, now I'm putting one foot in front of the other, taking deep breaths, and repeating to myself "I CAN."

Wednesday it all changes.
 
I had a couple mini panic attacks over the weekend. I just burst into tears in the shower. I had to do deep breathing exercises a few times to settle down my nerves. I'm not second-guessing my decision. I stand firm behind it. I'm ready and excited. The unknown is what is grating at me...how much pain, how long will it last, what happens if I...all those crazy little thoughts that just won't quick knocking on my brain.
 
Add to the crazy the fact that I've been off the NSAIDs I take for the arthritis in my feet and knees for almost a week now. I hurt everywhere. There is no relief. Tylenol is a joke. I tried to rest this weekend, but just moving up the stairs to my bedroom was a chore. I know this will get better, but wow...I didn't realize how much the meds helped until I couldn't take them anymore.
 
Then, I decided this weekend to begin the process of kicking the caffeine out of my system. I didn't figure that would be so hard since I don't take in that much each day. I was wrong. My head hurts. At least I kicked the soda habit over a year ago. That helps.
 
Tomorrow is a full day of clear liquids. I giggle when I think about the instructions to take a shower and use a q-tip to clean out my belly button. Then, at 5:45 am Wednesday, I report for Band duty!
 
So, now I'm putting one foot in front of the other, taking deep breaths, and repeating to myself "I CAN."

Better late than never, but we did a family dinner for the Jewish New Year last night. It was very nice, 28 people. My son's, their wives and my super wonderful 3 grandsons were there. I haven't seen some of the people for real long time and of course came the: you look great, how much did you lose, how did you lose the weight questions. I told people I do not share my weight loss with any one. They were disappointed. I said I know I was very fat and still fat and don't need people saying, boy, Arlene was very over weight. When it came to my dinner plate, one woman said to me, you have no food on your plate. I said I have plenty. My husband explained I eat around 4 oz of protein then the other foods. My sister-in-law (the wicked b***h "c" word) asked me about my 'diet'. I only said I use a dietitian. Enough words for her. About the SIL, my husband is 63 and for the first 50 years of his life he did not talk to her. They now talk only because he made an effort. She loves my oldest son and treats my younger son like s**t. Enough said about her.
 
So, back to the subject, I feel the surgery is my business and I just can't share it with everyone. I still feel like I am a failure because I needed the help of the band. My first surgeon said I was not a failure because I knew I needed the help. I just can't get that part into my head.
 
I did have a very small sliver of chocolate birthday cake. My youngest son's b. day was Wednesday, age 35 and the next day his wife was 35. I brought a super wonderful cake from BJ's for them.
Today the hub and I get to baby sit the 9 month old. He is the perfect baby, teething and never complains. He has 8 teeth all ready.
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. The weather in Boston is super great this weekend.

Hi ya'll!
 
 
I'm fresh off a 4 day weekend and wanted to get you the up to the minute Johnny news. C'mon, be honest.... how many of you just can't wait for your fanatical fat fix? I thought so. This blog is like an auto race. Most of the spectators just come for the crashes. At the very least, I am a cheap version of a reality show. Your own personal rendition of Biggest Loser. Or Survivor. Hey, I got an idea ... What if we combine both of those shows? Let's strand a bunch of fat asses in the middle of no where with no food and the potty mouthed TV chef Paula Dean. We'll call it Fattasy Island. My bet, 7 contestants arrive, only 5 leave. The other 2 will be enjoyed with a homemade tropical marinade. No doubt this will be a huge hit.
 
On to the news.
 
Last Monday I went for monthly follow up visit at the center for Fat-ass-i-ness. As reported last week, I officially hit the 50 pound loss point. Yippee! I have to tell you that I am starting to look and feel a little out of place in the waiting area. I am no longer the short, overly swelled man that enjoyed the extra comfort of the fat ass chairs. I am now just a short, plump man that looks like a little kid sitting in a big chair. Add the fact that I usually wear a suit and tie on Mondays. The waiting wobblers probably think I'm some kind of creepy sales person waiting to show Dr. X my new drugs. But sitting and waiting is part of my commitment. It is part of my rehab. Yup. Rehab. Because that's really what this is. Fataholic's Anonymous. My name is Johnny ... and I'm a fataholic.
Anyone that reads this, and definitely anyone that tries this, must realize what a significant weight loss project really is. It's a full time commitment to food sobriety. Without full dedication to the cause, you are doomed to fail. "Just one Oreo" can be as catastrophic to a fataholic as "just one beer" to the alcoholic. That first step backwards can lead to a tumble. The end of the binge is just as devastating for both. Self consciousness, loss, shame, failure. All the same buzz words. The alcoholic may end his bender in a a tavern with a shot and a beer in the wee hours of the morning. The fataholic may end up in a corner with a jumbo bag of Dorito's and jar of salsa. Self inflicted wounds for both.
 
The fataholic requires guidance just like his counterpart. We get all the information we need to succeed from our nutritionists, shrinks and doctors. But at the end of the day, it is still on you to watch and motivate yourself. You have to make constant decisions to succeed. Food is not only required to live,it is part of our culture. Think about it. Just about every social gathering includes food. A nice night out with your better half probably includes dinner. A business lunch includes food. Weddings, birthday parties, anniversaries, bar mitzvahs ... you name a social gathering and there will be food. And plenty of it.
 
How about our addiction to Fat Ass TV? There are several channels that air nothing but food shows 24/7. Then you have Masterchef, Iron Chef,Top Chef and a myriad of other kitchen shows. There is a guy that drives around the country and pigs out at out of the way diners. There are guys that fix broken restaurants and a guy that spies on various eatery's employees. If has to do with food, there is a TV show about it. And these chefs / stars get paid humongous salaries for this! I'm really in the wrong business.
 
It's easy to see how someone can lose sight of a healthy lifestyle and fall in to the grips of fatness in our country today. Once you get there, going back is b***h. It's a challenge every minute to stay on your selected program. It's a good thing I have my sober coaches to guide me ... good ol' Al C. Hall and his cousin Vinny Vino.
 
See you soon..
Johnny
 
PS I'm at a little plateau here. The weight loss is slowing down to around a pound per week. I'm going to have to change something up here next week

I've been scheduled for September 11, 2013 since the middle of July. I needed to get past a planned vacation and a few other schedule barriers and then I would be banded. Somehow, until those things passed it seemed so far away. Now, vacation is over and the other scheduled items are finishing up this week. WOW..this just got real! One week from tomorrow!
 
I have my pre-op appointment tomorrow and I have a feeling my head will be spinning with the reality of it all. I'm not second-guessing or even scared. I'm ready and excited. I just can't believe it's so close!!!!

I've been scheduled for September 11, 2013 since the middle of July. I needed to get past a planned vacation and a few other schedule barriers and then I would be banded. Somehow, until those things passed it seemed so far away. Now, vacation is over and the other scheduled items are finishing up this week. WOW..this just got real! One week from tomorrow!
 
I have my pre-op appointment tomorrow and I have a feeling my head will be spinning with the reality of it all. I'm not second-guessing or even scared. I'm ready and excited. I just can't believe it's so close!!!!

I am sure that the subject of this blog sounds funny. Yes, I have made the decision to get banded. I have been in the program for about 4 months now. I have my surgery date but even now, as I type this, I am still having a hard time accepting my decision.
 
Let me explain. I grew up fat. I was a fat kid, I was a fat teenager and I am now a fat adult. If you had talked to me about the word fat maybe 15-20 years ago, I would have been super offended. Now, it’s just a word. Yes, I am fat.
 
In my childhood and teenage years, I was your “typical” fat kid. I was offended by the word fat that I was constantly called. I was always self-conscious and picked on for my weight. I was ashamed. I can recall a time in 7th grade when a class mate complimented me on my jeans. I was questioning why she was even talking to me since she and I were in completely different cliques – she was one of the “cool kids” while I was the new girl – or better yet, the fat new girl – at the school. Alas, when she asked me where I got my “so cute” jeans (and they were) I replied, “Sixteen Plus”. The next thing I heard were snickers and laughs because I was clearly shopping in a store for “plus sized” people. From that moment on, I vowed NEVER to mention store names again. I would shop at stores that had both junior and plus sizes so I never had to bear that “shame” again.
 
This is how much of my adolescence and teenaged years were. Never had a boyfriend – sure, I had plenty boy friends but never a “boyfriend”. I had one such friend who, when we were alone, would confide in me and once even told me he loved me (oh, middle school love…LOL) but would not be seen talking to me in school. High school and college were filled with more of the same. Boy friends – some of whom I liked more than a friend but I would NEVER tell them because they would NEVER “like” the chubby chick as more than just a friend.
 
Enter my early 20’s: I’m not sure when the realization came but I found myself developing a confidence that I had never had before. I had never considered myself ugly, after all I’ve been told “You have such a pretty face” for so long that I knew that if I weren’t fat, I’d be “so pretty”. (That is another blog post in itself.) However, I was dressing better. I was putting more effort in to my appearance. I was deciding that I was worth something. I was approached by a male colleague (whom had no romantic interest) who handed me a newspaper article on plus sized modeling. He suggested it was something I look into. He told me that I was a beautiful girl and should really give it some thought. I was BESIDE myself. A compliment without the caveat that all I had going for me was my “pretty face”. As the time went on, my confidence improved. I began to get attention from the opposite sex. I was complimented and asked on dates, left and right – granted some of these dudes were on the sketchy side – but when a random stranger tells you that you are the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen in his life, it’s always nice no matter what. My dating life ramped up and I found myself eventually in relationships with people who were attracted to me – fat and all.
 
It was then, that I decided to take back the word fat in my life. I was no longer going to look at it as a bad word. Yes, I was fat. So, what?!? I was otherwise healthy and happy. Things were going in the right direction for my life. I accepted myself. I would proudly admit that I bought my “so cute” shirt or pants at Lane Bryant or Fashion Bug Plus! Yep, that’s where I shop and I love my clothes. Yes, I am fat but that’s OK with me. Here I am, a confident fat woman. Take that, society!!!
 
Over the years, I have maintained that attitude. Of course, I have areas of my body that I hate – boobs are for the chest, not the back! LOL But, I always looked at it as I have the ability to change the things about my body that I hate, if I put my mind to it.
Enter the current time. I am still that confident woman who accepts the word fat. However, about 3 years ago, I was officially diagnosed with diabetes. Unfortunately, I am all too familiar with this wretched disease as my family is laden with it. I have watched it reach havoc on my Mom as she has had many years where she did not properly take care of herself and this disease. I have done well over the years keeping my diabetes at bay. My A1C is almost always good. Unfortunately, this success comes with medications that I hate and the knowledge that it is only a matter of time before this disease will reap havoc on me, if I do not get rid of it once and for all. The only sure-fire way for me to do that is to get myself to a healthy weight.
 
My husband and I have been married for 5 years this October. It was when he underwent his lap band surgery last year that I began thinking about having the surgery myself. He’s had amazing success that he has worked very hard for. I feel that with him at my side, I can have a similar success. However, I can’t get past the feeling that I am going against “my morals” with this surgery. I feel like I’m taking all that confidence that I worked very hard at and saying “society wins”. It’s silly, I know, because I know I’m not doing this to be skinny – I’m doing this to be healthy. I just still feel like I’m doing something wrong. I have been SUPER hesitant to tell anyone about this choice. Any one I have told has been supportive but I am still uneasy. I don’t know why…..
 
If you have managed to stay with me and read all this, thank you. I know this is super long – especially for my first blog post to the site.

I'm so glad I found this group. I'm excited and scared as hell about my upcoming surgery date (11SEP13). I've found comfort here...as well as uncomfortable truths.
 
I am not very open with the people that know me. I have issues...I have a counselor who is helping me with those issues. Progress is being made So, you all have been my peeps...I've come to you (whether you know it or not) for answers, encouragement, and truth. I've posted a few times. I've shared some of my story. I want to share more. And I want you to respond...with truth, no matter how uncomfortable it may be.
 
So, here is my promise. I promise not to be offended when you tell me the uncomfortable truth about my ramblings. I won't get all moody and start calling names. I will value your opinions and your experiences. I may pout in front of my computer screen...but not on here where you can see it.
 
I also promise to share...the comfy and the uncomfy parts. I know it's not going to be a bed of roses, or an instant fix. It's going to be hard work and require a full committment on my part. There is no miracle weight loss. I know people have complications. I want to learn from them. I promise to take responsibility for my actions on here. If I screw up...I'm going to own it. And I ask you to remind me of that I know there are consequences for when I make mistakes. And I accept that you are going to let me know about them!
 
I write this because I've seen a few posts lately where the initial poster gets offended when the comments aren't all "warm and fuzzy." Well...as some of you have pointed out...truth isn't always warm and fuzzy.
 
So, thank you for letting me learn from you.
 
Thank you for being that shoulder I may need to lean on.
 
And thank you for keeping me in check.

I'm so glad I found this group. I'm excited and scared as hell about my upcoming surgery date (11SEP13). I've found comfort here...as well as uncomfortable truths.
 
I am not very open with the people that know me. I have issues...I have a counselor who is helping me with those issues. Progress is being made So, you all have been my peeps...I've come to you (whether you know it or not) for answers, encouragement, and truth. I've posted a few times. I've shared some of my story. I want to share more. And I want you to respond...with truth, no matter how uncomfortable it may be.
 
So, here is my promise. I promise not to be offended when you tell me the uncomfortable truth about my ramblings. I won't get all moody and start calling names. I will value your opinions and your experiences. I may pout in front of my computer screen...but not on here where you can see it.
 
I also promise to share...the comfy and the uncomfy parts. I know it's not going to be a bed of roses, or an instant fix. It's going to be hard work and require a full committment on my part. There is no miracle weight loss. I know people have complications. I want to learn from them. I promise to take responsibility for my actions on here. If I screw up...I'm going to own it. And I ask you to remind me of that I know there are consequences for when I make mistakes. And I accept that you are going to let me know about them!
 
I write this because I've seen a few posts lately where the initial poster gets offended when the comments aren't all "warm and fuzzy." Well...as some of you have pointed out...truth isn't always warm and fuzzy.
 
So, thank you for letting me learn from you.
 
Thank you for being that shoulder I may need to lean on.
 
And thank you for keeping me in check.

I'm so glad I found this group. I'm excited and scared as hell about my upcoming surgery date (11SEP13). I've found comfort here...as well as uncomfortable truths.
 
I am not very open with the people that know me. I have issues...I have a counselor who is helping me with those issues. Progress is being made So, you all have been my peeps...I've come to you (whether you know it or not) for answers, encouragement, and truth. I've posted a few times. I've shared some of my story. I want to share more. And I want you to respond...with truth, no matter how uncomfortable it may be.
 
So, here is my promise. I promise not to be offended when you tell me the uncomfortable truth about my ramblings. I won't get all moody and start calling names. I will value your opinions and your experiences. I may pout in front of my computer screen...but not on here where you can see it.
 
I also promise to share...the comfy and the uncomfy parts. I know it's not going to be a bed of roses, or an instant fix. It's going to be hard work and require a full committment on my part. There is no miracle weight loss. I know people have complications. I want to learn from them. I promise to take responsibility for my actions on here. If I screw up...I'm going to own it. And I ask you to remind me of that I know there are consequences for when I make mistakes. And I accept that you are going to let me know about them!
 
I write this because I've seen a few posts lately where the initial poster gets offended when the comments aren't all "warm and fuzzy." Well...as some of you have pointed out...truth isn't always warm and fuzzy.
 
So, thank you for letting me learn from you.
 
Thank you for being that shoulder I may need to lean on.
 
And thank you for keeping me in check.

I'm so glad I found this group. I'm excited and scared as hell about my upcoming surgery date (11SEP13). I've found comfort here...as well as uncomfortable truths.
 
I am not very open with the people that know me. I have issues...I have a counselor who is helping me with those issues. Progress is being made So, you all have been my peeps...I've come to you (whether you know it or not) for answers, encouragement, and truth. I've posted a few times. I've shared some of my story. I want to share more. And I want you to respond...with truth, no matter how uncomfortable it may be.
 
So, here is my promise. I promise not to be offended when you tell me the uncomfortable truth about my ramblings. I won't get all moody and start calling names. I will value your opinions and your experiences. I may pout in front of my computer screen...but not on here where you can see it.
 
I also promise to share...the comfy and the uncomfy parts. I know it's not going to be a bed of roses, or an instant fix. It's going to be hard work and require a full committment on my part. There is no miracle weight loss. I know people have complications. I want to learn from them. I promise to take responsibility for my actions on here. If I screw up...I'm going to own it. And I ask you to remind me of that I know there are consequences for when I make mistakes. And I accept that you are going to let me know about them!
 
I write this because I've seen a few posts lately where the initial poster gets offended when the comments aren't all "warm and fuzzy." Well...as some of you have pointed out...truth isn't always warm and fuzzy.
 
So, thank you for letting me learn from you.
 
Thank you for being that shoulder I may need to lean on.
 
And thank you for keeping me in check.