"You are beautiful. Your beauty, just like your capacity for life, happiness, and success, is immeasurable. Day after day, countless people across the globe get on a scale in search of validation of beauty and social acceptance.
Get off the scale! I have yet to see a scale that can tell you how enchanting your eyes are. I have yet to see a scale that can show you how wonderful your hair looks when the sun shines its glorious rays on it. I have yet to see a scale that can thank you for your compassion, sense of humor, and contagious smile. Get off the scale because I have yet to see one that can admire you for your perseverance when challenged in life.
It’s true, the scale can only give you a numerical reflection of your relationship with gravity. That’s it. It cannot measure beauty, talent, purpose, life force, possibility, strength, or love. Don’t give the scale more power than it has earned. Take note of the number, then get off the scale and live your life. You are beautiful!”
Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free
So last Thursday, May 16th I had my long awaited surgery . It has now been a week of recovery, and shakes and learning and whining . Yes, whining, I am going to be totally blunt and honest here. On the 15th I freaked out b/c I was expected to have morning surgery on the 16th, well I found out I would have to wait till 3:30 p.m.
I freaked, all plans thrown to the wind, the babysitter, hubby's work sched. My mum & dad helping out, and on top of the needless endless pain of hunger, b/c clear liquids the night before, and are you serious, make me wait another whole day w/o even jelllo or water?? I was freaking out, I felt these ppl were crazy, sadistic and cruel, hadn't I jumped through enough hoops for a whole year?? Needless to say, after some soothing talk from my hubby, (let's face it, after 39 hours of no real food, you can be a irrational crazy hideous cranky hating ppl monster ) that it will be fine, we came this far and we will get this done and never look back. So we did, the nurses were fantastic, I got wisked in, changed in to a baer warmer johnnie, quite pleasant and kept me warm, and soon enough, urine test, vitals, hooked up to my iv and meds given, paid copay etc... boom. It flew, I put on my lovely head cover and was brought into the er, I scooted my butt onto the other operation table and slid over and a nurse put a mask on my face and asked me to breathe. Whallah, that was it, out like a light.
I woke up in a grog but not a fog. My nurse Debbie was fantastic, she talked to me, and checked on me, and I was surprised that I was not nauseaus at all, which made me sooo relieved. I have had 3 prev surguries, 2 c-sections, and one gallbladder and the nausea was horrible from the anesthesia. She was amazed that I was smiling, I said, I have waited for this a long time. After what was about 45 minutes I was brought into another room and saw my hubby. My tummy I did check out as soon as I got a sec alone, and it didn't feel so bad, but I was on some good drugs I guess, lol. After another hour of observations and care, I was cleared to go home. My hubby already had gotten my prescriptions filled, pain relief pills and something to help me move my bowels b/c of the pain meds block you up.
Now let me say the first day I was oblivious so I just rested. I didn't feel hunger so it was a relief, though I sipped from my little med cup, at prompting from my hubby and Mum. I did sit up, but kept falling asleep, so as soon as 6 pm came I went to bed. Now let me say, I highly recommend a pillow shopping spree. Get yourself a body pillow and two or three new pillows, heck grab some funky pillowcases too, this helps with comfort and for those dang gas pains from surgery. I HATED those pains, as soon as I lay down they hit. I learned to sleep with them tucked under each side b/c side sleeping was not a option. Hubs was helpful to stack a backrest pillow (sit up pillow w/ armrests?) with two more pillows so I could sit up and watch tv w/ the kids in bed or just sit up but have my feet up. It was comfy and everytime I had to get up I just hugged my pillow and it helped with the pain. About this time I started to be aware of the state of my body. I had a huge bruise on my right arm I assume from the shots given, and on my same arm, I had long red lines from the blood pressure cuffs. I still had not seen my staples as of yet, but I assumed from my prev surgury from gallbladder they would probably be the same. I started to feel the tenderness of the top of my mouth and throat, and some pain inside my lower right lip, probably from being intebated? I was amazed that I didn't feel this till now. By Saturday I started to feel hunger, my gas pains were fading, and when I ate, I filled up quickly and I was getting the hang of my shakes and sugar free pops and Fruit2o water. Though I do not like the taste of the chewable vitamins (yuck!) or calcium citrate, I break it up, one with each breakfast, lunch, dinner so I don't forget. I look forward to my fat free greek plain yogurt, I mix some sugar free hawaiin punch drink mix in it (grape) and it is yummy. As for the cottage cheese, I tried, I can't do it , I didn't like it before or now. I like the protien shake mix, and I like boost and atkins and pure protein shakes. At lunch my favorite thing is mixing a strawberry atkins shake w/ crushed ice and a red sugar free popsicle, I do add some whey to it too. It smells and tastes amazing. The soups help me feel normal like I am eating something, as for jello, I do have it but I am on burnout mode for that. Though I did try to ambrosia it w/ some of my greek yogurt mix, and it wasn't bad, but not great either!!
Now my incisions are healing well, but Sunday was my wall. I was having incredible pain, it burned and felt like a tearing pain . I called first thing monday, and they checked me out and said this was normal to take my pain meds and relax. The belly button area is tender but below my biggest incision is the burning pain, it is awful, I take one pill, b/c two makes me totally sleep and out. I am moving about easier and walking is a cinch, stairs easy too. But having 2 kids, it is hard. I tell myself to knock it off, and my hubby is wonderful about helping but I feel bad when my 3 yr old wants to sit on my lap and I can't. But it won't be for long and I know it.
I will tell you, I feel like a old fuddy duddy and why??? B/c I get happy when I have a bm, yes a bm . I had my first little poo on Sunday and I was so happy, and later that night I passed gas and let me tell you, the feeling was relief, it felt amazzzing . Passing gas is wonderful, b/c your body feels so much better afterwards . I say this b/c it is what it is. Now the hiccups I get are weird, but I can't explain why but they just are, I noticed these Tuesday, I'd rather not hiccup. So this is it so far. Now I have to get some Mederma to be ready to slap this stuff on when I get these itchy staples off, the scar is going to be much bigger than I thought, I am quite shocked and wish I had been shown some pictures of the scars before the surgery b/c it did make me sad, it is little to complain about but I just didn't know how big me scar would be on my left side, I mean wowsa.
It's been a while since I last logged on. Many of you may recall my dad had colon cancer that back in Dec spread to his lungs. He had been doing pretty well, kicking it's butt for 2+ years, and at 87, it was quite impressive. All I will say is that, as we were told, it happened rather quickly. He was fine then suddenly he wasn't. It didn't take but a few days. It is with a heavy heart that I must share that my dad passed away on Wednesday, May 8th at 7:20am. I'm happy to say that he was there for my first breathe and I was there for his last. And so, our journey continues. He is at peace, and we must move on....
Even though I work in computers now with the school system, my college degree was actually Counseling with a concentration in Substance Abuse.
While working at a drug treatment center I worked with patients on developing coping skills to help them deal with cravings to use. We would tell them, they must avoid people, places and things that are triggers; some to the point of having to live some where other than where they came from.
During that time I was in denial that I myself was an addict, but my drug of choice was food. Unfortunatly, I can't avoid food. I must eat, but as I continue on the self reflective journey I have been on of late, I realize that I have food triggers. Cookies- I love them, they are buttery and chewy and oh so good. If I make cookies and eat one, I can't stop- I must eat more. Ice Cream is another problem, I love ice cream, any shape or form- cones, cups, shakes- yum. So I know, no ice cream should be kept in the house because I won't stop until it is all gone.
Now you may say, where is you will power, where is your want power? I do want to lose weight, but there are times where it is like an out of body experience, I realize what I am doing is wrong and I will regret it, but I can't stop- this is classic addict behavior.
If you are able to use your want power to prevent you from ever slipping up- awesome for you- but addicts many times can not rely strictly on that.
I am actully going back and reading some of my old college textbooks to help myself with this addiction. While I have lost a little more than half of what I want to lose, in order for me to lose more and here is the key- keep it off- I must figure out my triggers and develop coping skills for dealing with these.
Is this journey easy- heck no! Will it be worth it- heck yes. But, I feel I will be much more successful long term now that I am looking at this for what it is! Just like drug, tobacco, alcohol addiction is a life long battle- so is food addiction.
For those of you who what I am saying rings true, take a look at yourself- what are your triggers- what can you do to cope with them.
So with that- Hello, my name is Kim and I am a foodaholic.
