Part of the reason I've avoided thinking about it before is because to do so would be admitting to myself that I had a problem. When someone talks about overeating or people with eating problems, I immediately conjure up in my mind people that snack on potato chips constantly, eat half a cake for a snack, and chug a 2 liter bottle of coke with each meal. And since I didn't eat like that, then I'm obviously not in the same category as those people, right? Well, it's only now that I'm beginning to see and accept that I *am* overweight, that I *do* look overweight to my peers, and that hardly anyone who is overweight eats an entire pizza in a single sitting.
So I sat down and really thought about the painful things (yep, I cried) and tried to get to the bottom of what was behind my weight gain and poor eating habits.
Why do I eat?
Denial - If I didn't eat at all during the morning, then I must have some extra calories to spare in the evenings. If I didn't diet then I couldn't fail. If I didn't diet then that meant I didn't need to diet.
Control - Eat what I want, no one can tell me not to. Not missing out on my favorite foods.
Sadness - I earned or deserved it. Ability to relax or distract myself and not think too much.
Boredom - Keeps me busy, something easy and enjoyable to do. Better than just sitting and doing nothing.
Rewarding - I cooked it, accomplished that it turned out great.
Some of my earliest memories of food as a child were that of my dad eating the last of my favorite food. Many times we'd have left overs and if I wanted to save something for myself for later, I'd have to choose between eating when I wasn't hungry or eating more than I needed. Often I would find myself in the situation where my dad would have a large dinner and eat the last of whatever I was saving for myself and I was forced to have something else that I didn't want or sometimes I just chose not to eat.
I also remember very vividly this fear of eating something "ok" only to find out that my parents had decided to have pizza for dinner after my dad got home. So more times than I would like to remember I would have 2 dinners because I didn't want to "miss out" on the special food that was ordered or prepared later in the evening.
My parents were also ALWAYS dieting. We did Atkins on and off for years. After I moved out I really began to resent them for this. I was obsessed with thinking about food and diet and my weight - eventually to the point that I swung to the other end of spectrum and avoided all diets and forms of calorie control. I wanted desperately to be accepting of my body and who was, I some how tricked myself into thinking that to love myself mean I wasn't suppose to care about what I ate.
I tried a couple of diets after highschool, but I didn't want to turn into one of those compulsive dieters that spends most of their life yo-yo-ing and failing. I didn't want to fall for fads. I didn't want to turn into someone that hated my body.
Now as an adult, I am beginning to realize and accept the fact that I have complete control over my body. That no one is going to run off and hide my favorite mashed potatoes. And if for some reason I run out of a certain meal before I am tired of it, I can always make more when I need to. Food is becoming more about "what I need to survive" and variety and less about what I am craving. And I'm getting better at saying no to cravings and impulses or limiting the extent to which I give in (having only 1 cupcake every couple days, as opposed to a huge slice of cake with dinner). The food isn't going anywhere and I don't need to eat it before it disappears. I am giving our family more structure so that our daughter doesn't have to have the same worries I did as a child - and I want more than anything, even if I can never save myself, to teach her positive attitudes about food and have her educated about the effects of foods on the body so that she can make healthy choices and live wisely. I don't want her scared of food or obsessed with food - I want her to learn to be normal. Or even if she has some of the same issues I do, to have the confidence and education to make wise choices.
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