can_do

Out of many thousands of members that are part of this community I do not believe that any one of you know me personally, have been my best friend, my family, my children, or my coworkers. I am sick and tired of those of you who think the things I say, are because I am mean. No one has the right to tell me to apologize to anyone. When I answer any post I am not saying it mean but that is the whole darn point. When two people read a book or even a stupid three word sentence neither one will interpret that book or sentence in the same manner.
 
I have been in the medical field for 30 years. I have never had a patient, coworker, boss, best friend say that I am mean or complain about me and you know why???? Because I am not. I am not a coddler or tell you what you want to hear type of person. I tell the truth. I am not a class act but a very bright intelligent woman. I have two degrees in healthcare administration, have published 6 books, taught child birth education, parenting. I have worked as a case manager for pregnant women, taught nutrition classes for pregnant lap band patients. I have worked everywhere from surgery to med surg, oncology and telemetry. I dont think that if I was mean I would still have a job in the health care field.
 
I think the problem does not lie within me but those of you who feel that I am mean or so you say. When I post something that you dont like and you ream me out, then are you any better. Then you get your few 3 friends you have on here to do the same thing. None of this is about me but about your own insecurities that you feel the need to jump all over me because you feel some kind of way about yourself.
 
Like I said earlier look in your own mirror because the problem lies within you not me. I won't lose sleep tonight because you think I am mean. I won't have any less friends in my real life because of a handful of people who think they know what I am thinking at all times. I can imagine it would be sad that you are thinking I hate her when you don't even know me. That is why people end up having such a lonely life because they think too much about how other people are when in all reality what you are thinking is farther from the truth.
 
If you are obese like we all are and I say the word obese then forgive me for using the proper medical terms instead of saying you are fat. I just do not get it how any of you can assume anything about me. You are reading words that are typed. You don't know what I was thinking or feeling when I typed it. You don't know anything about me. You just assume. So before you judge me and my character look at yourself and figure out what it is that makes you so upset with what I say. It's you not me. I don't take offense to anything anyone writes on here you know why? Because I do not know one single person that comes here. I don't live with them, don't sleep with them, or even know where most of you live.
 
So before any of you tell me I am mean, please look at yourself and figure out what it is that is wrong with you. I don't have a mean bone in my body but truthfull yes I can be called that.
 
So let me tell you who I am. I am a 50 year old happily married woman with two sons and two grand daughters. I am loved by my family, friends, coworkers and my patients oh and let me not forget my animals. I am well respected by a ton of people. On my days off I teach nutrition for lapband patients in different surgeons offices here where I live. Yes I teach nutrition classes. Imagine that I know what I am talking about. I think I have enough knowledge to give people advice and unless that person is complaining about me being mean then why should you.
 
When you know me personally then you can say what you want but until then, don't judge me. If I was not answering to your post then why are you getting offended? Must have a guilty conscience.

The rearview mirror is my best friend. I'm always consulting it, flicking between the road ahead and what has just passed. For me, I'm obsessed with understanding and learning. I never take "I don't know" as an answer. There ARE no mysteries, there is always a reason. Maybe we don't understand it at the time, but that's what rearview mirrors are for; they are the teacher's answer key. And the more I know, the better I get.
 
So here I am one week from getting my band replaced and am glancing at the rearview of my band failures and successes. I feel very different than the first time I was banded, and it's made even clearer by the new people I am befriending here on LBT. All the questions and the anxiety and the excitement, it's like looking at a photograph. It makes me smile and I'm probably more excited for their journey than they are, knowing what's coming.
 
I want to be a good leader, a great example, and most of all I want to not repeat my own mistakes (for I am still a human leader). I wasn't perfect on the band like many others I see. I have a food addiction. And the first step in anything is owning up to your misses.
 
 
 
I remember the first few months with the "magic fill" - I was a kid in a candy store, eating cookies and ice cream or high fat stuff. I would MARVEL that literally, two squares of a Hershey's bar would satisfy me. I would fold up the candy bar and put it in my desk drawer. I'd open the drawer just to look at it and boggle at the fact that I didn't WANT it, and I could say no. That never, ever happened to me. I destroy food like Godzilla with a hangover. I would sneak ice cream as a 7 year old when my mom was in the shower. The taste of food was unparalleled joy, all the time. And I enjoyed my bad food for a while when I was newly banded, because I had power over food for the first time in my life.
 
I did eventually get too cocky and the band would interrupt a nice dinner I'd made or purchased, and all the food was put away because I had to PB, or just felt awful. Try having something stuck on a date....ruins the mood. I needed to go through that embarrassment and wake up call to get back in balance. Play time was over, it was time to work. Then I got in line with the band; roasting chicken thighs and carrots for dinner, portioning things out. Talking more with whomever I was with and letting food fall to the background. I never felt deprived because my food choices were just that - MY choices. It was so empowering I cannot even describe it. I literally felt like a normal person because my relationship with food was changing.
 
This time around, I'm not even interested in bad food, or the permission to have it in small quantities. I have tasted normal sized clothing, I have tasted normal relationships with food, and I absolutely hate where I am now. I'm 40 lbs less than my heaviest, but I feel worse than I ever have. For 6 months now I've been heavy (half the time with a baby...the last 2 months of pregnancy were awful!) or healing from a c section, and lugging around more fat with sleep deprivation. I used to feel GREAT! I want to feel GREAT again.
 
The band makes me feel GREAT because I feel in control. I am out of control now. And rereading my past entries, I fought and fought for stability with a constantly failing band and a less than ideal mindset.
 
I am blessed and lucky to have a second chance. I'm not squandering it. Open eyes, looking ahead and behind, changing the bad and repeating the good. It's not all daisies on the journey, but yeah, when you get there, it's a freakin' field of flowers