parisshel

I'm tired, I miss eating, I am questioning my decision and I'm trying to be positive but tonight sadness, regret and loneliness is taking over. I'm walking trying to get the gas pain down while I'm crying uncontrollably and feeling so down on myself. I hate this recovery. I thought I could toughen through it but I can't. I want this out! I can't see past the pain! I miss my boyfriend who I can't talk to about this bc he didn't support it to begin with, and I can't stop reading about all the complications and problems people still have, months later! I swear I am this close to just giving this up. Maybe it's not for me. Help!!!

First of all, KatieDee I'm so grateful to you for posting this. I needed to read this. I'm five days post-op and the reality of what I've done struck me hard last night. I think it came on because I've metabolized the anesthesia and am no longer tired and in a fog about it all. One of my kids was saying about how she loved this one BBQ place we had gone to on vacation in Florida and it hit me: I will no longer ever be able to eat BBQ AND cornbread AND Beans and..... And I had more than ittle sadness over that. Then I tried to focus on how GREAT it will be that I can go to a restaurant and have small bites of things I will truely taste and savor, and still be present for my friends and family at that table, not lost in a food coma or distracted by my thinking that I need to eat this and this and this.

What I'm trying to say is that a lot of my recovery is going to involve reframing how I look and use food. When I made the decision to have lapband surgery, I was also making the decision to no longer stuff myself for the sheer pleasure of it. I'm determined to find my "sheer pleasure" in living in a healthy, aesthetically-pleasing body and being energetic and HAPPY again.

But this takes work. And it is scary work, because it is much much easier to find the temporary pleasure in the food for me. But I hate what overeating, and eating unhealthfully did to my body more.

So much of what we have to do post-op to succeed with this band is mental. Last night, when I freaked out that I will never get to eat the way I've eaten in the past, and then I freaked out that I had this "thing" in my body that is not part of the body I was born with (anyone else freaked out by this thought?) I did a lot of self-talk. I reminded myself of why I made this radical and difficult decision. I re-read my journal and blog posts where I talk about how much I hate my weight and what prevents me from doing.

And this morning my emotions are much more positive.

I think a lot of what you may be feeling (this was my case) is the accumulation of the fatigue and the physical stress the surgery has on us. It releases lots of emotions. And that is probably a good thing, because you can "clear out" this sorrow and start focusing on your transformation.

I'm really glad you wrote this because it made me feel I wasn't alone. Know that your feelings are temporary, and normal, and that I totally get what you've written here.

I'm a March 20th bander too. I'm planning on going back to work Monday or Tuesday depending how I feel.

Gas pains are pretty much gone. Overall discomfort from surgery is not there. Slight pressure where the port is though.

Metamucil is the worst idea ever for a banded person. The powder gells up and stops up the opening like a cork. Very uncomfortable. Others on the site have been saying they use a non-gelling one from costco.

My biggest problem is that I can't get enough calories in, like maybe 300 a day.

Yes, I figure this is what I'm consuming currently. But I know that will change as the swelling goes down....so I'm riding this "non appetite" thing like a wonderful wave! Also, since I'm off work until early April, I can deal with the low energy that the lack of calories is provoking. It would be much worse if I had to be back at work.

I was also banded March 20th but don't have to worry about returning to work yet; I'm off until April 4th . I cannot imagine going back to work the next day; I could barely get out of the hospital bed, plus my brain was still foggy from the anesthesia.

Good job on the 12 pound loss!

As for fiber: I knew that going to the bathroom was never going to be the same; still I was glad when I finally went yesterday. I'm sure there are fiber supplements sold but I'd check with the surgeon because some might bulk up too much in your system. I read a post on here from someone who took Metamucil and it was the wrong thing to do...they were in great pain from the bulking effect.

I'm adding a teeny bit of prune juice to all the Water I drink. Don't know if it will be effective but I figure it's better than nothing.

I have five; three little ones and two larger ones. All are grouped to my left side (thankfully, so I can sleep on my right side currently). They are pretty high up, too, nowhere near my belly button. It is funny how surgeons go in differently, isn't it? You'd think our stomachs would all be accessed by the same areas.

Can't believe my surgery is in two days! So freaking nervous. But grateful my doctor doesn't require a pre-op diet! Just want it to be over already and start my journey.....

That was me last week! Nervous and ready to get this thing rolling. May the next two days pass quickly and I wish you an easy surgery/recovery.

I had this feeling up until about 3 weeks post op. I didn't really call it "stuck" as I didn't PB or have it come back up. It did just sit there for a few minutes. It is frustrating....but now is the time to eat very slowly (even pudding, yogurt, etc.) Learn the signals from your body. Hiccups, burping. For me it's a small burp sensation. This is your body telling you to put away what your eating. My head doesn't always want to accept this but my body is the boss now. Everyday will get better and better and then you will realize that it can hold more and more food and then another mental battle will ensue.

Be patient! You are doing great!

This is my experience right now, 4 days post op. What I eat or drink just "sits there for a bit". It's not annoying at all, just different. When people ask me if I can tell I have the band in, I tell them yes, my food just can't be downed quite like before. And that's a good thing!

Mint tea is great, especially if you are nauseated. Natural remedy.

True! And peppermint tea helps with the gas pains. It's what they gave me in the hospital when I had my first kid (by c-section). Worked very well.

This is my issue too! I really thought I would recover faster... But it's ok, just taking it slow and listening to my body. Still have no appetite and finishing a shake a day is all I am getting down as well as a bottle of Water? everyday I feel a tiny bit better, but don't see myself back to work on Monday... Maybe I am a wimp!

Me too. The only significant pain I've got currently (4 days post op) is at one of the incisions. Oh Lordy it keeps me up (and walking) because sitting and getting back up off the couch is just not fun.

Glad to hear all is well. Im next Wednesday.

Wishing you an easy operation and recovery, sunflower72. And may the next few days pass quickly for you!

Hi March bandsters! I'm back from the hospital after my March 20th procedure. Everything went well; no complications. I was first on the roster so I was taken down to the block at 7am; they started at 8:30am and finished at 9:30 am. Couple of hours in recovery and then back to my room. My surgeon extracted most of the CO2 so I had minimal gas pains; mostly in my shoulders. I'd say my biggest complaint post surgery was feeling very tired and weak; I didn't get out of bed until the next day (everytime I tried to stand, the room would spin). But once I was up, things were fine and I was walking the hospital corridors as my energy permitted.

Wishing all the March people who are waiting their turn a good experience!

Mine, too! Can't wait. A little unnerved by some new details today but I'm good to go.

Hope everything is ok, Rosie. I'm thinking of you!

Suitcase is packed, house is clean, laundry done, kids squared away....I check into the hospital tomorrow (Tuesday) at 3PM and am slated for my surgery Wednesday morning. Not sure where I am on the surgeon's roster but hopefully early! Thank you everybody for the buoying, carrying me (and all of us) across the demarcation line from pre-op jitters to post-op recovery....and then on to success!

How did you use it that it tasted so bad?

I reconstituted it per the instructions to use as "classic" Peanut Butter spread on toast. Yuck! I had bought 4 jars of it, too! All went into the trash.

I must be the only outlier here but I hated it. It tasted rancid. Old, sour and rancid. Like the peanuts had gone bad. I will never buy it again.

As always, love your posts, Rosie. When I first made the decision to have LB surgery, I kept it very close to my chest. Then, as my date draws closer, I find I am very open with what I'm about to do. I'm excited about what's ahead and I just want to share this with everybody! So far, I've only had two "lukewarm" reactions from two good friends, both of whom are obese. So my sense is that my change is a threat to how they feel about themselves...and they aren't happy I'm about to leave the Fat Girls Club. One actually said "who am I going to eat lunch with now?".

Re: "Taking the easy way out." First, of course this isn't easy. I'd venture to say that a traditional diet scheme is easier in fact, because if you deviate from that, the worst thing that can happen is you gain weight. If we deviate from our post-op directives, not only do we gain weight, but we experience pain, vomiting, and a whole lot more. So a "diet" is easier, folks, in terms of would-be consequences should directives not be respected.

Also, where's the virtue in suffering? That's my answer to those who think this is the easy way. There is no nobility in making one's path hard. Do we accuse smokers who use nicotine Patches of "taking the easy way out to stop smoking"? No, we don't. We applaud them for doing whatever they have to do improve their lives. Just as I am doing with my decision to get a lapband. That's right: the lapband is the nicotine patch for the obese...a tool that helps dim the addiction but doesn't work unless you work with it.

It's trite to say but there is this whole other person inside of me waiting to burst on the scene.

Oh, I don't think this is trite at all. Your entire post resonnates with me, and especially this line. I think this accounts for the excitement, too...I'm so grateful for this surgery and its availability (and track record) so that FINALLY I can be the person physically that I am mentally.

Onwards to our rebirths, everyone!

I had originally consulted for a sleeve but decided against it for all the reasons cited by the previous posters. Also, the recovery time is much longer and I couldn't take that much time off from work.

At four days pre-op, I'm surprised at how emotional I am. (My lord, I can only imagine all the emotions the anesthesia is going to make surface!!!). I was having a lot of trouble sleeping, which is rare for me, but finally last night I got a good night's sleep and I feel much more evened-out this morning.

I think it is really normal to have such a huge (and rapid!) life change provoke fear, emotion and anxiety. It's not like just "starting a diet", is it? It's a radical change into the unknown.

I sense that all these fears will settle down once the unknown becomes the known, i.e., the surgery is behind us, the new way of eating becomes instinctive, and of course we start loving our new shapes and health. So I keep picturing that in my mind....and it helps me remember that these scary times are just temporary and part of getting to the better days.

I'd like to ask my surgeon how soon after surgery can we start up with the sex? But I'm too embarassed to do so. Which is incredibly stupid, since I live in France where people talk about sex all the time! Hey...after you have a baby they tell you without you asking! It should be the same of LB surgery!

Parisshel, you're getting banded the day after me. Love the blog. I'm a writer, too, but I just can't make myself blog about this. For me it is still too personal. I guess I'm still afraid of putting myself out there and then failing again. But I'll write vicariously through your blog, okay?

Hehe. The Lapband Chronicles is uniquely for this experience and is not my prinicipal blog (of course!). I, too, am not [yet] ready for an across-the-board public witnessing of this. I suspect that will come, however, after I've lost some weight. Then I'll be all dancing in the street naked, shouting "look at me! look at me!"

Glad we are almost band sisters!

Hi! I'm in Paris, France. Not a lot of EU members on this site, but I find it helpful nonetheless.

This is something I've been thinking about for a while. I'm wondering if I'll need psychological help when this is all over (only half joking here). I've been heavy my whole life. Who am I going to be when I'm not this size any more? Am I going to be different? I hope not because I like who I am even if I don't like how I look. How are people going to be towards me? Different? Probably, but am I going to like the difference?

When I did my psych eval I told the doc that I am excited to meet the new person I will be. Since I've never been thin (normal weight, I mean), I don't know what my face will look like, how my legs will look, how clothes will feel....it can be overwhelming and, let's be honest here, all of this is part of the reason I couldn't maintain any weight loss in the past. It was self-sabotage, easier to continue to be the fat person I knew than take the scary path to the normal weight person I didn't. Maybe I'm rambling but your post made perfect sense to me.

9 days to bandyland

Rosie, I feel EXACTLY the same as you! I just wrote a blog post about this. I've been overweight since third grade--with some moments of being less fat than now--but never under 165 pounds in my adult life. I have great sadness at the idea that I have never seen what the real, organic "me" was supposed to look like. I am thrilled that the band will give me a chance to be this person that I've always wanted to be but I agree that I may been a qualified and understanding therapist to help me let go of the sadness I feel that I wasted so many years in this body which was never the body I was meant to have.

Think about it. What is my face going to look like? (I can picture my body because that's easier to imagine...bodies are bodies more or less, but our faces are unique to us). Will I FINALLY be able to see if my children look like me? (My features are so blurred by the fat...who can tell what familial traits lay under them?).

To live in this world in a thin body, after 45 years of living in it in a body that was not within normal limits...it's going to be a wild ride.

I know I want this---I hate moving through the world at the weight I am currently at---but at the same time I am reflecting deeply on what my new identity (physically-speaking) will be. Everything is going to change. Everything.

That must have felt tremendous! It's a huge accomplishment. OMG regular clothes. (I can't wait.)

Well done! Must do some "before" pics tonight, which I will lock up until.....6 months from now?!!!

The reason the gas x strips aren't working and you can't burp is because the gas isn't in your digestive system, it's in your abdominal cavity.

Thank you! As I pre-op, I've always wondered why people recommend this--it just didn't make sense. (I remember gas pain from my two c-sections way back when, and I know that no form of gas med would've taken that pain away, for precisely the reason you cite here.)