DeLarla

I don't think it's a demon. I'm quite sure it's a demoness. It has long red claws and spiked heels and is simply too cunning to be a man. That evil two-timing bitch paid me a visit last night, too. And she brought a variety of friends (thanks be it to Hubby's birthday.) She's so friggin seductive that I just allowed her and her sidekicks to slide right down the pie-hole. She has zero respect for the hard work I've done or the pain I've endured. And she's rude, too, because NOBODY invited her into my head, yet she won't get the hell out - like a really bad inlaw.

I hate when I have to stop eating! Are you measuring out small portions so you can see how much goes in? Sometimes I'm full after only a couple bites, but that never seems to stop me.

Maybe you have to be a writer to appreciate these, but carrots are shooting out of my nose! These came from the annual "Dark and Stormy Night" competition. They are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. 1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. 2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. 3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 4. She grew on him like she was a colony of Ecoli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. 5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. 6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. 7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. 8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM. 9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. 10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable Soup. 11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. 12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. 13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. 14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. 15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. 16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. 17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River. 18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. 19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. 20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. 21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. 22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. 23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. 24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. 25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. 26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser. 27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. 28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

You guys are coming up with some good stuff! Birch, Beech, Ash... too cute! And I love the conversion table, very clever indeed. Let's see if I remember this: A duck walks into a market and yells to the clerk, "hey, you got any grapes?" The clerk says, "nope, no grapes today." Five minutes later, the same duck goes back to the market and asks the same clerk, "hey, you got any grapes?" Taking a deep breath to cleanse his irritation, the clerk says, "no, I am sorry, but we do not have any grapes today." After only a few minutes, the same duck went back and asked the same clerk, "hey, you got any grapes?" With that, the clerk yelled at the duck, "I already told you we don't got no grapes, now if you ask me again I'm going to nail your feet to the floor!" A little while passed, then the same duck went back to the same clerk and asked, "hey, you got any nails?" The shopkeeper answered back at the duck, "no, we don't carry nails." The duck said, "oh, then do you got any grapes?"

I find myself eating higher-quality foods now. I used to cram anything in my mouth no matter what it tasted like. I went to a Superbowl party Sunday and made myself a nice plate. But I squished my nose up at the fruit salad cuz it was frozen fruit. Then I poo-poohed the crab salad cuz it wasn't real crab. The chili tasted store-bought so I didn't eat that either. My taste buds have become sensitive and they seem to prefer real food, the good stuff, so I ate the eggs out of the potato salad. Even the potato were too hard. I was never a picky eater (just the opposite) but the Band makes it easier to realize what foods are worth eating and which ones aren't. We get a lot of goodies in my office. If I want something, I ask a co-worker to taste it first and tell me whether it's worth splurging on. If their eyes roll back in their heads, then I'll have some. But there were iced cinnamon rolls last week that I didn't even touch cuz 2 people said they weren't worth it. However, I just ate a square of fudge since everyone's raving about it, and they were right! Mmmm. As long as I stop now, I'll be fine.

I understand what you are saying, because I didn't think I had restriction but I still PB'd. Maybe you don't think you have restriction, but you probably have a little. Can you honestly still eat the same amount as before? I didn't think I had restriction, but there's no way I could have eaten $15.00 worth of Taco Bell like I used to.

Teresa, I would call your attorney and make the other party pay for you to be checked out. This started after the accident, you probably brusied or pulled something. You never complained about your port before the accident, did you? What a bummer for you. Just when things start going good, too.

I didn't know what "full" meant when I weighed 313 pounds. It was painful though. You won't be hungry with the Band. Well, you might get a little hungry during the liquid stage, but that's just temporary. Other than that, the food you eat will satisfy you.

I want in on the group hug!

Kevin, you make me feel like such a wimp. Some people act like they just went to the dentist, but it was much harder for me. Keep us updated, nice to meet you.

Always take extra precautions when lifting. I'm always reminded of Donali, who hurt her port by reaching for something in her car. She reached, then reached harder, then gave a little bounce to reach even further, then OOPS, there went her port. She can tell you better. Let baby sit on your lap like Alex till your body tells you it's okay, but remember to go easy.

Blossom, you just reminded me of why I needed the bra. It was because one of my sweaty boobs was sitting right on the incision, mashing it. How could I forget? It was really un-cozy to say the least. I guess it's better to bring and old soft bra just in case, cuz you never know where the incisions will be. Even a stretched out, beat up one with the underwires cut out.

I was guilty of being judgmental during my last pelvic exam. As I lay in "the position" waiting for the doc, a very short 400 pound woman wearing a white coat came huffing and puffing in. I was shocked and worried. How the heck was this woman that could barely breathe going to give me the exam? Yes, I should be ashamed, and I was. But she taught me a lesson that I'll never forget. First, she performed the exam (with some difficulty) but professionally and accurately. My blood pressure was elevated cause "white coats" always make me nervous. She asked why I was afraid of doctors, so I told her, "cause no matter why I'm here, they always tell me I'm obese." She told me to NEVER allow a doctor to tell me that I need to lose weight as part of my treatment. She said she goes to the doctor for a bladder infection, and they tell her "lose weight" but she doesn't let them get away with it. She puts doctors in their place all the time by telling them, "Don't you think I know I'm overweight? But is that why I made the appointment... NO, so grab your prescription pad and treat my bladder infection and stick to the reason written on the appointment sheet." She was so powerful. Sure, she knows she's obese, don't we all? So don't let doctors push you around. Think about my 400 lb gynocologist next time and rip him a new ear hole.

Darcy you look smashing! Have you added this to the "before and after pictures" thread? I'd like to reserve a place behind Alex in Onderland. You were really cute before, but look at the difference in just your face! Amazing, good job.

I've been there 4 times recently and nobody ever asked for a birth certificate. I've only needed a driver's license, but that's Mexico for ya. Like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get.

Wait, is the "no bra" stage over now?

I've been to Mexico (both borders) 4 times in the past 9 months. You can drive right through both ways with just a driver's license. However, on my way home, they advised me that STARTING 2006 you'll need an actual passport. They were telling all cars heading back into California. Michelle, right now you don't need a passport, but border patrol picks and chooses which cars they'll search and/or detain. If your son is going with friends, high-school boys seem like an easy target. They might be asked for a passport even though everyone else just needs a drivers license. Tell him they'll all need one next year anyway, so better get them now.

Good luck with your sister. This is a great place for support and to get information, but your sister needs immediate medical attention. She's been through way too much already. I've had six surgeries in less than a year, but they all relate to my port. But messing around with the actual Band is a much more serious matter. She needs to be seen by professionals and shouldn't leave until she has answers. She's lucky to have such a great sis.

Careful, cause kernel corn isn't considered a mushy food. I don't think corn is a good idea at all for the mushy stage unless it's creamed, maybe.

Joanie, I got banded with 6 others, so we all shared stories. Some were told to lose weight prior to surgery, others weren't. I was supposed to maintain a low-fat diet, but I gained a couple pounds instead. I wanted answers, so I asked my surgeon why some people had to lose weight. Seems insane - if we could lose, we wouldn't need surgery, duh. The first thing was confessing that I pigged out that week instead of dieting. I was afraid he'd send me home, but he just said, "don't worry honey, this surgery is going to help you so you don't have to keep eating that way." He said gaining a few pounds isn't a problem with an experienced surgeon. You're only around 300 pounds (where else can you hear "only 300" other than here?) That's not hugely obese compared to someone weighing 500 or 700 pounds, so your surgery shouldn't be extremely difficult. The enlarged liver can make it more difficult for the surgeon to get around during the surgery, but they should not put off your surgery. Tell your surgeon to stop being lazy and grab his toolbox! Joo wanna I shoulda beat him up for joo?

But if you have big boobies, wear a soft bra. I went to Mexico without a bra and had to put Kleenex under my sweaty boobs. And mine aren't even that big!

I'd like to go to SE Idaho and rip a big fat lady fart in the middle of the town square. How do I get there? I guess I got lucky in my later years because fat discrimination never bothered me, it just fueled my fire, and you all know how I love a good brawl! Once a car full of teen boys drove next to me, and one started making fat cracks at me. I just started flirting really hard with him, thanking him for the compliment. I yelled, "you wouldn't be looking baby if you didn't want some of Big Mamma yourself, but your tiny pecker would get lost in all this, come here, come here, smoochy smoochy." Every insult he made just made me tell him he'd be hitting on the cute red-head in the other car if he wasn't so turned on by me. He was horrified and turned red while his friends all busted up, doing "high-five" signals to me out the window and laughing at the guy. I doubt he ever made fun of a fat lady again.

Betty, it's always the same. Getting geared up is the hard part. Once you're five minutes into the exercise, it's so easy. With me, I hate getting dressed so many times every day. It's so boring. First dress to exercise, then shower and dress for work. After work come play clothes, then later jammies. I've even worn exercise clothes to bed thinking rolling out will work, but ya still gotta bend over to put on tennis shoes. It's just hard getting going.

Oh my gosh, I wish I would have thought of this during my original band surgery or my other 2 surgeries in Mexico, but I finally have the answer to this post: OVERALLS! I wore overalls to my surgery last week. I brought a couple cute t-shirts and extra panties. Overalls are big and baggy and have easy access... the perfect outfit for surgery, and it's always fun looking like a farmer. Plus, you save all that "pants" space in your travel bag.

Wow, what a thrill. You earned it now march it around and show it off!