I woke up today not feeling hungry, which is unusual for me. I tend to eat late at night, so I'm usually hungry in the morning, my own little vicious cycle. But cutting down on the food has really paid off. I was hungry often today, but each time, except meals, I had a piece of fruit and I was ok. I wish I knew that I could keep this up for months on end. This is just like so many good starts in the past. I find myself thinking...maybe I don't need the surgery...look at how well I'm doing...maybe I can do this on my own. What I'm forgetting is the roadblock that I will inevitably run into...the 14- hour shift at work, the fight with my hubby, the ten page paper I need to get done in a few hours so I cam sleep. These things WILL happen, and when they do I know the binge will be calling.
I found myself feeling weird earlier today. I have so many unhealthy ties to food, and the thought of not being able to turn to a binge when I am stressed is both a relief and frightening. I have had surgeries before, I had my gallbladder out, a pin put in my foot, I have taken radioactive iodine to kill off my functioning (overactive, yes, but functioning) thyroid. But none of these things made me feel that I would be fundamentally different in some way. It's almost as if food is so much a part of my personality that I worry that I will change as a person by having this surgery. Anyone else find themselves feeling that way? This is a scary journey for me, not because I'm worried about the surgery and the risks involved, or the pain. I'm worried about ME, the me that I know so well and who might act in unhealthy ways, but who I'm so comfortable with. Who will this journey turn me into?
