BlessedBeyondMeasure2012

So I've finally caught up, took me 3 days to do it but here I am.
No questions about it, I'm an addict. Not just to sugar and carbs but to food. FOOD still tastes good to me on a daily basis. I haven't given my sleeve anything that it didn't tolerate just fine. As I have gotten further out it has become harder to stay on track because now I don't have this list of like 4 foods that it is okay for me to eat. I actually have to choose to eat what I should, and for the most part, I do. I have days that I fall off the wagon, but each day is a new day. I get up, brush myself off and start again.
I am from Louiaiana. Not just from the south but from one of the most obese states in our country. You know there are "starving kids in China" so we don't throw food away, or at least that's what we were told growing up. My grandmother was a feeder. Everyday after school (after finishing off a big grab bag of flaming hot cheetos and a large icee) she would have Cookies or cake or fried chicken fixed and just hanging around. We got to eat what ever, when ever we wanted. This was all before the age of 13. It didn't stop. When I was in my early teens my parents did a dieting program through our church and lost weight. I didn't lose weight. I ate what they ate but I ate as much as I wanted. When I was a junior or senior in high school, I went through the program with them and lost 30 pounds. When I started college my freshman 15 turned into my sophomore 60 and stuck around for my senior 70. I seriously gained around 80 pounds in my 4 years of college. I lost some while working on my second degree but then got pregnant just before I graduated. When I went in to have my son I was 286 pounds (I had gained somewhere between 50-80 pounds during my pregnancy). I lost about 20 after I had him but within 4 months put it back on. Fast forward 5 years and I can't get pregnant. We think it's because of my weight gain (I'm now about 320) so I decide to go for a sleeve. A month before my sleeve was scheduled to be done, I find out I'm pregnant. And you know what, I was SAD!!! I wanted this surgery. I wanted to be healthy for my pregnancy but here I was super morbidly obese and pregnant. Gross. I only gained 23 pounds during my second pregnancy and the baby weighed almost 10 pounds so not too bad. That weight came off pretty quick and then I was sleeved when the baby was 4 weeks old. It was the best decision I have ever made.
I have learned a lot already. I know that I have limited will power. My will power stops when I take a bite of anything. I can resist any food all day long until I take one bite and then it is all over. I can't stop myself. Carbs are a nightmare. If I start the day off with them, I'm hungry all day and wanting to eat. Same goes for sugar. But it isn't just those. Like Cheri, it fried goodness, burgers, savory, spicy, chips and salsa, FOOD! I have eaten out of bordom, I ate when I was happy and when I was sad. Something good happened, "Oh, lets celebrate! Where do you want to go eat?" Something bad happened, "Oh, bless your heart. What can I get you to eat?" It was never ending. I haven't been a big food sneaker but there were times that I did. I could, and probably still can but have not tried, to polish off a pint of ice cream in a single sitting. I never ate a whole pizza but I sure could eat half a large by myself. I was the one who finished my husbands food, and the kid's. I was the same as someone before who would go to McD's and get a large value meal and get chicken nuggets to go with it. I was out of control.
Now I am not a slave to food. I don't think about it all the time. I enjoy it but it does not rule my life. I have an amazing support system and my hubby is happy to finish my left overs So much has changed about me in the last 8 months, on the inside and the outside. I am liking this new person I am becoming. I used to tell people that people liked me for the same reasons they like Santa Claus, cause I was fat and jolly! I'm still jolly. My joy is dependent on far more than the weight I carry or my circumstances but people are going to have to find a new reason to like me!

Best of luck Misty. I'm chanting for you over here. I'm burning candles and I sacrificed a goldfish. You don't wanna know what I'm wearing....or where I put the candle wax.

So I've finally caught up, took me 3 days to do it but here I am.
No questions about it, I'm an addict. Not just to sugar and carbs but to food. FOOD still tastes good to me on a daily basis. I haven't given my sleeve anything that it didn't tolerate just fine. As I have gotten further out it has become harder to stay on track because now I don't have this list of like 4 foods that it is okay for me to eat. I actually have to choose to eat what I should, and for the most part, I do. I have days that I fall off the wagon, but each day is a new day. I get up, brush myself off and start again.
I am from Louiaiana. Not just from the south but from one of the most obese states in our country. You know there are "starving kids in China" so we don't throw food away, or at least that's what we were told growing up. My grandmother was a feeder. Everyday after school (after finishing off a big grab bag of flaming hot cheetos and a large icee) she would have Cookies or cake or fried chicken fixed and just hanging around. We got to eat what ever, when ever we wanted. This was all before the age of 13. It didn't stop. When I was in my early teens my parents did a dieting program through our church and lost weight. I didn't lose weight. I ate what they ate but I ate as much as I wanted. When I was a junior or senior in high school, I went through the program with them and lost 30 pounds. When I started college my freshman 15 turned into my sophomore 60 and stuck around for my senior 70. I seriously gained around 80 pounds in my 4 years of college. I lost some while working on my second degree but then got pregnant just before I graduated. When I went in to have my son I was 286 pounds (I had gained somewhere between 50-80 pounds during my pregnancy). I lost about 20 after I had him but within 4 months put it back on. Fast forward 5 years and I can't get pregnant. We think it's because of my weight gain (I'm now about 320) so I decide to go for a sleeve. A month before my sleeve was scheduled to be done, I find out I'm pregnant. And you know what, I was SAD!!! I wanted this surgery. I wanted to be healthy for my pregnancy but here I was super morbidly obese and pregnant. Gross. I only gained 23 pounds during my second pregnancy and the baby weighed almost 10 pounds so not too bad. That weight came off pretty quick and then I was sleeved when the baby was 4 weeks old. It was the best decision I have ever made.
I have learned a lot already. I know that I have limited will power. My will power stops when I take a bite of anything. I can resist any food all day long until I take one bite and then it is all over. I can't stop myself. Carbs are a nightmare. If I start the day off with them, I'm hungry all day and wanting to eat. Same goes for sugar. But it isn't just those. Like Cheri, it fried goodness, burgers, savory, spicy, chips and salsa, FOOD! I have eaten out of bordom, I ate when I was happy and when I was sad. Something good happened, "Oh, lets celebrate! Where do you want to go eat?" Something bad happened, "Oh, bless your heart. What can I get you to eat?" It was never ending. I haven't been a big food sneaker but there were times that I did. I could, and probably still can but have not tried, to polish off a pint of ice cream in a single sitting. I never ate a whole pizza but I sure could eat half a large by myself. I was the one who finished my husbands food, and the kid's. I was the same as someone before who would go to McD's and get a large value meal and get chicken nuggets to go with it. I was out of control.
Now I am not a slave to food. I don't think about it all the time. I enjoy it but it does not rule my life. I have an amazing support system and my hubby is happy to finish my left overs So much has changed about me in the last 8 months, on the inside and the outside. I am liking this new person I am becoming. I used to tell people that people liked me for the same reasons they like Santa Claus, cause I was fat and jolly! I'm still jolly. My joy is dependent on far more than the weight I carry or my circumstances but people are going to have to find a new reason to like me!

And now that I've spewed enough psychobabble for the day, I'll go and get ready to have my fucked gallbladder removed in a couple of hours! Please say a prayer or chant a mantra or sacrifice a goat that this stops the 6-month run of the runs, or at the very least, that I never have a 14-hour gallstone attack again.

You'll still feel the same way....you just won't be sure which group you're in.

I'm a newbie with a big mouth, but I feel like this site is divided between really intelligent people whose stories I want to follow, and people who just want to be told that their crazy ideas are valid.
I should just put this in my signature, but talk to me again in 6 months and see if I feel the same way.

Misty, OMG you are an amazing, strong woman! May God Bless YOU! Thank you for sharing your story, makes some of the issues I deal with seem so trivial. I was never a fat kid - was actually called "Olive Oil" from Popeye…that is until my parents went through a divorce…My dad pretty much abandoned us and it was food that I turned to, since then, it's been a struggle but now I FINALLY feel like I have a handle/chance to correct my bad habits.

Good thing....cause I checked with missus butter and she said ....not no but fucked no.

Excellent post. I do things that are completely unlike most folks - but I've been sleeved for more than three years!
The important thing for people to do is figure out their personal limits so they can work moderation. I can't drink soda everyday (and I finally don't want to, which is great) and I can't eat popcorn or I'll want it all the time. Oh, and fast food? Gotta watch that stuff. If there's something that triggers me, it's fried up carb-laden badness. I want it every day, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me or how much it bugs my sleeve. If I indulge in too many "bad" carbs I hit that insulin resistance and that's all my body wants me to eat. I have to be very careful.
But it's possible! I mean, moderation IS possible if you find what works for you. I think that's huge - I see so many people discouraged like chicken breasts and steamed broccoli are the rest of their life. But that's not true. You just have to find what works for you.
~Cheri

Yes because if you're going to be doing your own surgery, THAT'S the thing you really need to be worrying about--bougie size.

Whoa Nellie! I go to coast one day and everyone and their brother jumps in the pool while I'm gone! I'm glad to so many familiar faces posting. I'm still unhappy with the new layout on the site and app, but it's still better than any other online support group because of all of you.
In no certain order:
Like PDXman and Butter, I indulge in tasty treats. The difference between now and and preop is how often and how much.
I cannot have certain foods in the house. Cookies, Cheetos and cake all fall in that category. I may manage to resist them, but it's a constant fight with myself to leave them alone. It's so much easier to not have them here. I do eat them, but it's outside of the house or at a party when I send leftovers home with others.
I ate a lot preop and a lot of very fattening foods. Although I'm fairly good at self control, I simply could not get my eating under control, no matter what I tried. This surgery was a lifesaver for me.
I cannot eat whatever I want now. Like others, I want junky food a lot. Even now. I choose to not eat it.
And speaking of choice, I understand that it's hard for people to understand addiction issues. My feeling? No matter what anyone says, there was at least one issue or they wouldn't be a weight loss surgery patient. So, if you can understand it or not, I think you should be kind to anyone who us struggling because...
You can't hate yourself thin.
I'm 2.5 years post op and more than 1.5 years at goal, but I'm still afraid of regain and I still have bouts with disordered eating.
And my bougie was 40.
Lynda

I used to work as a health aide for a dorm of all men when I was in college. Can't tell you how many times I got phone calls and messages that said, "I have this strange swelling…"

Good post PDX. I only say "telling on myself" because I drank a margarita. I'm not a drinker. Although I did forget the tempura fried oysters. Holyfuckballs were they good.
But I also mixed in a half marathon in between all that rich food. And everything was eaten in reasonable amounts and I had a great weekend. Great food, great company, great scenery (San Antonio river walk) and great activity. Of course the scale is up this morning but that's to be expected between the rich food, a few sweets and probably a fair amount of post race swelling (down liplady, down). Now back to my structured eating plan and those few pounds will be gone in no time.
That's maintenance to me, and that's my version of moderation. The occasional weekend of indulgence then back to more purposeful eating. What I can't do is the half cookie everyday. That makes me binge.

Lol I love that post.. "Hey fatties would you mind lifting up your shirt for me so I can see your hanging skin... As to scare the shitted out off myself"

See, I think BtB see eye to eye here. I believe a lot of people would think, "Woa! What a cheater!" And his line, "Jeezus I'm Telling on myself", is unnecessary, for me. I don't call this cheating, I call it living.
Now, you have to keep it in context. Butter reached goal a long time ago and is in maintenance mode. If this were the post of someone 4 months post-op and is crying about not being able to lose weight, well ... my post would take a different track.
Perhaps I am trying to justify my own demons, I don't know ... because I am sitting here typing this while eating a coffee Crisp (Canadians are so lucky) whilst drinking a chocolate mocha coffee made with half and half. But, I too, am at goal and have been for over a year and a half. Do I consider this a cheat? Heck NO! (Can't find a good swear word that ends in ED here ) I am back to exercising and for the most part, I follow the guidelines pretty closely. But these Coffee Crisps were sent from mephistopheles himself. I have one of these a week.
What I do consider cheating, though, is when I eat for the reasons we have been chatting about here recently. When I eat not because I am hungry, but when I am eating just for the sake of eating. When I am looking to be comforted or feel justified in making poor choices.
Thank you Misty for your intimate share. Very brave. Just know that your share has helped more people than you can imagine. As the old saying goes, God can move mountains, but bring a shovel. We are all works in progress, so I wanted to congratulate you on picking up your shovel.

Nope. You need your soaped!

I don't know my bougie size either. Butter, that food sounds absolutely heavenly!
I ate huge amounts before surgery as well. I love food, yes, but if I'm being honest with myself, I ate just to eat. I didn't always choose good/tasty food. Just food. Major addiction, right? I still struggle and the struggle is getting harder rather than easier. I've strayed though. From this site, from my fitness pal, from all support. I realize support is what I'm going to need forever. So, my goal is to get back into reading these posts, track my calories, and fitness. I haven't stopped working out, so that's one good thing!

Is there a fucking topic? My bougie size is the New York tunnel judging by how much I ate this weekend. Blue crab cakes. Sweet potato fries. Grilled founder. A pancake. Gelato. Home made fudge. Fried plantains and chimichuri sauce. Freshly made guacamole and chips. Jeezus I'm telling on myself. But I did wait 30 minutes before drinking.....a margarita.

Ok, lost count at what piggy I am, but this Lil piggy went nom, nom, nom all day long

I'd be happy to. I'm taking requests from all the sarcastic enablers here. I always wanted to be a hitman. There are just so many fucked people that deserve it....and if I'm getting paid....all the better.
It's honestly why I never wanted to have kids. There have been too many times in my life where I opened my mouth and my mother's voice came out. Jeezus it scares me every time...like I've been possessed by her evil spirit. Since I mostly knew her as a parent, I figured if I became a parent I'd have millions more opportunities to channel her demons and repeat her mistakes. I just couldn't let myself do that.
Now I just have dogs and when I tell them they should have never been born, all they hear is "do you want a bone?"

Misty, your post...so much like my eating habits. My reasons were not from abuse per say, but abandonment issues. I was adopted, then parents got a divorce when I was 3. I still saw my dad, but once I hit puberty...he pretty much started focusing his attention on my brothers. I also had a very hard time with teasing as a child. I was the fat girl target by about 6 boys in school, and I was teased and harassed by them daily. It really did a number on my emotionally, and I still have trust issues with men. In my mind they are always setting me up to hurt me. How I ended up getting married is beyond me.
As for the food hiding...I want to cry every time I get in my car now. I am 10 weeks post op, and have yet to clean my car out from all the food wrappers/containers. I know it is going to be emotional when I see all that I ate and hid in there. I was the person that would go to McDonalds and get a value meal large sized and chicken nuggets, then go to Burger King and get 2 slices of Hershey's pie. Or I would go grocery shopping and on my 15 minute drive home I'd stuff away 2-3 doughnuts, a .99 bag of chips, smoke a cigarette and then eat dinner with the family 1/2 hour later without even blinking. It breaks my heart to look back at my coping skills and for how long they carried on. I know soon Im going to be faced with having to clean out my car, and I know it's going to be hard. I just hope Im fully ready emotionally. Thanks Misty for your post..It really helped me today. Maybe Im closer to cleaning up my old habits than I think.

So, I haven't had time to read anything but this page so I may touch on things already mentioned.
GG's response is very similar to mine. And most of my response is based upon my life now post sleeve, not prior.
In my case, I truly believe that insulin resistance (and my earlier diabetes) as well as hormones (and insulin resistance plays into hormones as well) are the real reasons I had/have issues with food. I went back to ask my husband to see what he said about my past eating habits. And yes, if faced with exactly the right food (like pizza, or fries) I'd eat a very large quantity. And I would always feel hungry if I ate anything that was high glycemic - Pasta, potatoes, etc. I could eat to pain and still hear my stomach growling and feel like I was starving an hour later. That's the insulin resistance at work. So it was a cycle that I fed into with poor food choices.
But outside of that I could go the entire day and not eat. I was the master of will power - for four month bursts at a time. I mean, I could starve and be okay. Once I fed the carb monster/poor insulin monster, I was caught in the trap. But outside of that I could walk from food and be fine. Resentful, maybe, but I could do it.
I also had to break the clean plate club rules. That took work even post sleeve. I didn't WANT to eat. I felt compelled to eat. We suffered beatings for not eating our food as a kid and that definitely played into my compulsion to clean my plate.
It was a mental game. And while I did have some food addiction signs (sneak eating, feeling angry when I couldn't eat, etc.) those were always, always tied into stress or a hormonal issue. So fast food, (fried carbs or greasy burgers, in particular) can still sing a siren's song when I'm stressed. But I am still in control of my desire to eat those foods. And again, it's so hard to explain but I don't even *want* those foods. I know they won't satisfy me or taste good. It's a mental thing, not a physical one.
Even when I overindulged before surgery, it was never about enjoying food too much. Well, with few exceptions. I did enjoy cheesecake far more than the norm. But I never ate the whole pan of brownies. I never ate pints or half gallons of ice cream. I ate meat and potatoes and most of all, fried things or cheesy things.
In any case, my real spur for surgery were the results of my metabolic testing. I'm the gal that did Medifast hard line - never cheated once - for four months. And lost a mere 20 pounds. The willpower was there but not for the long haul.
I just could not lose weight. It happened so slowly I'd inevitably give up on my diet and go on a binge to make up for the deprivation.
Even sleeved, I lost 107 pounds over 17 months. I lost at a ridiculously slow pace even consuming low calories and eating a rigid diet. I think it averages out to six pounds a month. Less than a pound a week. AFTER bariatric surgery.
So that's why I have a sleeve. And if I keep my hormones in check, I'm the boss of food. But my issue is and has been that it doesn't matter because I have to fight incredibly hard to lose even a single pound. I've been losing these last ten baby pounds since APRIL - and I still have six to go.
I hope that answers it. I'll have more time later to read what's here and tweak this response.
~Cheri

Misty....I was gonna post something snarky and enabling....I will later....but instead I'll say to you how much I admire your courage for working so hard to overcome such barriers. We all have different issues, and a lot if them may be similar. But it takes a lot of courage to own them and put them out there like that. Big hug to you. Honestly it makes me look at my life. I know I made a lot of mistakes and I have no one to blame but myself. Still I'd like to go back in time and throat punch a couple of f**king people for making things much worse for me than was necessary.

I'm passing out free hugs to all who want them and all who need them.
Except Butter. Last time I hugged him he tried to squeeze my boob. He musta thought I was that other chick.

I am crying reading your post...So many things happened to me the same way except foster care....What an example you are to the rest of us....I am so proud of you for facing the reasons you are who you are...But not letting them control you for the rest of your life will not be easy....I know ..I have been there too.....
It is really a masterpiece in progress to become who we really know we are...You will get there and you will succeed...I know it!!!!!!!!!
Thank you so much for sharing..I do not feel so a lone in my struggles right now!