MeganA

Many, many thanks to those of you who have shown me such support over the last week. I'm doing much better, as time has a way of healing wounds- emotional or physical. Chris stunned me by meeting me at a park to answer my questions and say goodbye in person. I asked every question I could think of, and got some answers. Whether or not I can believe them, now that's the real question. He held me when I cried, and I've never ever been that emotional or vulnerable with a guy before. It felt good to be the real me and not put on a show while hiding my true thoughts and feelings. I'm still angry and hurt, bitter and sad. But I know I wasn't just a good-time girl to him. He said that was his intention at first- to find someone to just have fun with on match.com and no one would know while he was seperated. Then he met me and he said that within 5 minutes he knew I was going to be special to him and date after date we had so much fun and got along so well that he started to not sleep at night trying to figure out how to tell me he was seperated without loosing me. He said he really did get mono and he thinks it was from all the stress. Funny how your karma catches up with you! So, now he doesn't know what he wants which isn't my problem. He wanted to be friends, somehow....see what happens in the next month and blah blah blah. He said that wasn't fair to me to make me wait around for him. I laughed and said, "You really think I'm going to wait around for things to happen to me?" And he chuckled and said no. So, he's got a lot of work to do- and it's not anything that I want any part of. If I stay in the picture in any way, it will be a distraction for both of us. I told him that he needs to go and do whatever he needs to do. And I've got a date with a new guy on Wednesday night. I've been really afraid that if we don't talk or email or anything that he will forget about me and if the marriage ends, he won't remember me. Isn't that insane? I really don't think I'm all that forgettable and if I am, F*** 'em. Megan

Go to the mattresses, Babs! Don't take this crap. I am sorry you're so disappointed. Megan

OH no Penni. This is such sad, sad news. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Megan

Penni- that is great news about your mom. I'm so glad it is something that can be diagnosed and treated. She sounds like she's on the mend. I'm very relieved and happy for you both. Megan

Donali- exactly what I was looking for. I had started writing on Sunday when I really felt crazy about everything but had no answers. I wrote ten pages and felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders...for about ten minutes. But it was a good ten minutes. I've been writing every time I get distracted and find myself staring out into space - which is about every fifteen minutes. I am trying not to run away from the pain but embrace it and live in it and then let it go. But I didn't really know that was what I was doing until I read your response to my question. Once again, you are my guiding light. It hurts, and I guess it's supposed to. It feels like the pain is centered in my body- in my chest. I wonder why that is. Daisydoodle- Dr. Phil always says you have to replace a one habit with another. I really like your idea of walking walking walking. I am going to go out at lunch today and do just that. I do feel like I have to DO something. Anxiety builds and builds and since I work at home, on my computer, it's a terrible place to be when this is where I would talk to him all day every day for the last three weeks. Three weeks isn't a very long time, but you sure get used to something quickly. Vera-It sure feels like if you fix something, something else breaks. Kind of like the saying "you can't clean something without getting something else dirty". Thanks for your thoughts. Megan

I was going to PM Donali with this question because of her experience with therapy in this area but I thought others might benefit from the information, too. Most of you know I've been through a little trama as of late, and I'm having a really hard time with all the feelings that are cropping up inside of me. Before the band, I would have eaten until I was numb. As soon as I started feeling anything again, I would have eaten more and more and more. Now, with the band, I can't numb myself. I have to "deal" with my feelings...but what the hell does that mean? How do you deal with feelings? I never knew how much anxiety I carry around in myself until now- when I have a great level of restriction and can't eat enough of ANYTHING to make it go away. Donali, others...what are your thoughts? Megan

Penni- I'm so sorry to hear this. I will keep you and she in my thoughts. Please keep us posted. You're mom is lucky to have you there to help. Megan

Thanks so much everyone! All in all, I'm having a great day. Thanks again! Megan

Lisa- I actually got the email from his wife in the afternoon, sorry about the confusion. We had emailed all day long and made plans for my birthday and then I didn't hear from him after I got the email from her. I put the screws to him a little to get the little bastard to fess up. I'll fill you in on the details but I can't believe anything he's said so far, so how can I believe anything now? It felt good to make him squirm a little. He said they were seperated and she came back even though he didn't think she would. It actually makes sense since the first two weeks were perfect and we got together almost every night and on the weekends...then she comes back and it all fell apart including me. I knew it. Megan

Funny Vines! Ok, so I just got some more dirt. My friend called up where he works and talked to the receptionist and said that he was so helpful and great to work with that she and her husband want to get him a gift certificate so she was wondering if he was married and had kids. The receptionist said yes, he's married and he has kids but didn't know how many. What a smarmy bastard father. Poor wife and kids. Megan

Thank you so much everyone for the kind words. As usual, it doesn't look quite so bad in the morning. I'm so glad it happened after only three weeks than after three months. No matter what the truth may be. I've learned a lot through it all. I still haven't heard from him, so of course silence is almost always guilt. There is a part of me that still wants to make him squirm. Then there is a bigger part of me that wants to shut the door and never look back. I'll keep you posted. But today is my birthday and I'm going to have a "hey it's my birthday and he's F-ing married" party tonight. Wish you guys all lived closer so you could come! Thanks again everyone, you're the best. Megan

I thought of that...and I guess it doesn't matter if it's true or not at this point. I'd so much rather it wasn't true because I would NEVER EVER EVER EVER do this to another woman. The weird thing is that today when we were emailing throught the day- which we always did- he was talking about my birthday tomorrow and where we were going to go for dinner...and how he wanted to go away with me for the weekend sometime soon. Also, he asked me how you cancel your match.com membership. I smell a rat. A big one.

Check out the email I got this morning from the "great" guy I have been seeing for the last three weeks. >>Just so you know, Chris is married to me. In other words, he has a wife. Please leave us alone. >> It came from his email address, and I haven't heard from him since. I never did see his house...something always came up when we were supposed to hang out there. I seriously thought I was going crazy because he was acting so strange but I discounted it to mono...which he probably never had but just needed to buy some time for the wife. Poor woman. I want revenge. I want to make him squirm. I want this to have been a bad dream and to wake up tomorrow and have it not be true. I'm so upset I'm not even hungry. That says a lot, let me tell you. Which one of you posted that I should make sure to see his house and meet his friends before I got too attached? You were right on sister. Megan

This was one of those books that gave me hope that guys really would like me one day. Then I got some cute clothes and a great attitude and I did just fine. Now that I've had the band...the boys really need to watch out. Well, a certain one right now, anway. I'm an animal! The author really does a good job of getting to the heart of the issues of dating and being overweight. Megan

I think the list is fine. This is a great first poll, Lisa! Good job. M

I wish there was a "are you very satisfied with your band and your surgeon but you have your head up your butt about getting fills in a timely fashion" choice. That would be the true answer for me. M

That is really weird...I had acne before banding, but now since I've been banded I've had very little. Let us know what you find out. Megan

Kelly- I felt sick to my stomach after I ate all the time and started taking Prilosec OTC and it went away. I had the flu and then got really tight and had a little bit of heartburn with sick to my stomach feelings only after I ate...and it wasn't in my little stomach but I could feel it was my big stomach. After a dayof Prilosec, I did not feel the sick to my stomach thing after I ate. Just an idea... Megan

You guys are gross. I never look at it and flush as soon as I can. I hate poop. Megan

HE HAS MONO! The poor guy is so sick..he has been sleeping for twenty hours a day and has to go to the doctor today to have more blood drawn and if his white blood count isn't up today they'll hook him up to some IV's. I've been kind of a wreck this past weekend...I guess I have a lot more baggage than I thought. Even though I intellectually know that he's really sick, I've felt like he was pulling away and I got so scared. I'm better now...nothing a night out on the town with one of my friends and a good therapy session can't cure. I am such an all or nothing, black and white person that I can jump to concusions really easily. My mind is like a crazy monkey jumping around. I can be such a control freak that I try to predict the future so I can get out quick if it looks like I'm going to get hurt. I had two snickers candy bars yesterday. I wonder if I'm eating for emotional reasons? :-) I have decided I just need to get busy doing other things and give him a chance to get better and to try to just chill the hell out. Easier said than done, but I'm working on it and staying out of the candy aisles at the grocery store. Megan

I'd watch anything with a lot of acid in it for a while. I couldn't even drink pineapple juice or eat tomatoes for awhile after being banded... Now I drink wine or vodka cranberries if I go out and have no problems with either. I was drinking vodka sours but the sour has a little carbonation in it and that doesn't work now that I'm filled tighter. Megan

You responded right as I finished typing my last post so now I'll try to answer your new questions. I highly doubt that your doctor or his/her staff are treating you any different than any other bandster. Most surgeons believe in sneaking up to the right fill level. They don't want you to be too tight out of the shoot for many reasons. Most doctors continue to fill you throughout the first year, and into the second year. There are some theories on why we continue to need fills...one is that the stomach has swelling for over a year after surgery so as the swelling goes down, you have less restiction. Also, as you loose weight, you lose fat around the stomach. I'm sure there are more, but you get the idea. PBing is something to be expect but avoided. As you gain restriction, you will find that you can't always predict how things will go down. I know that you drink milk, but have you noticed that even skim milk is 90 calaries a serving? That means that you could easily drink 1000 calories a day in milk if you drank 8 glasses of milk instead of Water. Just something to think about. There is something you said that I want to comment on. YOu said: "I certainly feel I deserve to" when you talked about suffering. NO ONE DESERVES to suffer. You are not a bad person because you have a disease. You deserve mostly pain free success- just like the rest of us. It sounds like you may have some old tapes playing in your head that might need to be addressed on your journey. We all do/did. You're going to be ok. It will get easier. Megan

Your body is fighting like crazy to stay fat. As you lower your food intake, it in turn lowers your metabolism. I know this, because I am a very slow loser and have significantly cut my calories but still lose just a little at a time. Although the scale might not be moving like you think it should, you are already healthier...eating less, drinking less milk, etc. If you can eat pizza, you probably need a fill...once you get some real restriction you'll be amazed at how much less you eat. Being banded is mostly about patience and small steps. You're well on your way...heck, you already lost 40 pounds!! Yippee! You lost 10% of your starting weight! If you were at weightwatchers you would have gotten a keychain. Maybe you should buy yourself a cute keychain that will remind you of your success. Megan

I just discovered Sex and the City (ok, I was living under a rock) and I LOVE it. I like to watch an episode or two every night before I go to bed. I should try that on him...he would think it was funny. He is very fun..if you know what I mean. Kathy- I like Mr. Ripley the best so far. And your George needs a capital G, huh :-) M

Well it's about damn time! I'm so glad to hear it's really, really closed now. M