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newlife4nekaylyn

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Blog Entries posted by newlife4nekaylyn

  1. newlife4nekaylyn
    I was told when i was 20 that i would never be able to have a child of my own. I got married at 23 to a man with three children that i have raised as my own. I got lap band to live a health longer life with my husband and our children. The lap band doctor said there is a small possibility that one day it could happen. To be honest i really didnt think it would ever happen and my OB was pretty sure it wouldn't happen there was just to many problems with my body despite the fact that i have lost over 100lbs. It was heart breaking at times but i had finally come to term with the fact that it just wasn't going to happen. My husband and i have been together for five years and we have never really used any form of birth control.
    I am almost two years out with my lap band and i was feeling really good about my body again how ever i still had some body issues with loos skin so i had a breast augmentation planed and also a tummy tuck and a few more tucks like arms and legs. I had the doctor planed out and i was ready to go! One night my husband sat me down and said what the hell is wrong with you? I said i dont know i am just getting so sleepy about 12 and its like i just hit a wall and i cant get back up from it. later i went to take a drink of something and just started throwing up, i honestly thought i had just drank to fast and it was a fluke but it kept happening and i thought ok maybe i need to have my band checked. Again my husband sat me down and said maybe you should take a pregnancy test...... I just got pissed at him and said IM NOT PREGNANT. He fought with me for two weeks. One day i went to turn in some stuff at an office and saw the dolor store in walking distance before i knew it i was in the store asking the lady for the dolor pregnancy test i bought three. Went home ready for disappointment but i had something to prove to my husband. i took two of the three test and the control line came up with nothing else something you see when you get a negative test. I was pretty sure my husband would have to say sorry about that after he saw the pic so i snaped it and sent it to him and then looked back at the pic i had just sent. There was a very small pink line. I almost fainted and thought this isnt right and i looked back at the test both of them had two pink lines. i almost died right there in my kitchen.
    Any ways right now i am 15 weeks pregnant and i have only gained a pound which concerned my OBGYN. I think that i have gained a lot but every time i step on the scale nothing. i have to go and see a specialist because my OB is worried about my weight, should i eat more? I cant always eat more. Im a little worried i dont want any thing to happen because this is such a blessing to me and my family. any one else have this issue???
  2. newlife4nekaylyn
    Up until my one year appointment i think that i would have said very nice things about my Doctor, However im not happy with him at all! Maybe i expected to much maybe, but even at my very lowest expectations didn't seem anything like what happened. Its like he didn't even care once i had come back and i wasn't fat any more. He came in and ask what my problem was i said i dont have a problem they told me i had to come up here for my one year. He said so there isn't a problem well ok any thing else? Maybe that how everyone feels when they go back after a year but really? I at least wanted to see my before pic but i didn't even get that. Again maybe i expected to much but he acted like he didn't even give a damn about me or anything that i had to say like the guy was to damn busy. Im not happy, and i feel a little like i have been used. Like i have just been a science experiment that he was done with. I dont know again maybe that's what all of them do i dont know. But i know that little experiences has made me not want to go back at all i dont even want to say what Doctor i have because now i know that he doesn't give a damn about me once the band is in he is done. Any one else feel like that when they went back after a year?
  3. newlife4nekaylyn
    One year and a day I went to have my lap band surgery, I remember being scared and not really know what my future was going to be like. Before i got started my heaviest was 301lbs. I still dont think that i have ever said that out load but there it is. The day of surgery i weighted a good 295lbs, i wore a pant size of 20 shirts where XXXL, bra 44C, underwear 18s, Sweat pants XXL, and wedding ring was a 10 1/2. Today with all my ups and downs i weigh a 185lbs, pants size 11 to 10, shirts Large, bra 38 B, underwear M, sweat pants M wedding ring i finally got sized 8. So was it worth it? HELL YES!!!!!!!!!!! For once i am proud of myself and i might now look skinny as some but to me i am beautiful.
    I have to admit there are things that i thought i wouldn't ever get to do again like eat at out, eat food that was yummy, drink a soda every now and then, have a drink with friends, things like that but it turns out i can. I am not limited i just know what i can and cant do and what i should and shouldn't do i know that everything has a consequence and i also know that i am fine with that. I love my band and if it wasn't for me asking for the help i would still be where i was before. Afraid of life not really living life because i let my weight hold me back. Now nothing can hold me back! Thanks lap band for getting me this far and thanks to my family, friends, doctors, and everyone else who has been there this year, without all of them i wouldn't be where i am today!
  4. newlife4nekaylyn
    One year ago today i made a choice that has changed my life. One year ago today i said ok to having lap band surgery. Not knowing what was going to happen to me later on but scared and excited all at the same time. I didn't have my surgery until September but today is the day i said ok to changing my life forever. This time last year i was well on my way to three hundred pulse and my feet, knees, legs, back, everything hurt. I huffed and puffed everywhere i sweat doing the smallest things and i wasn't sleeping well and i couldn't figure out why. And exercise was a very dirty word for me. I didn't wear a swim suit all summer or even for the past seven years of my life. I couldn't wear the girly clothes because they just don't have pulse sizes everywhere you go. I was limited on things that i could and would do.
    I was unhealthy and unhappy and most of all i wasn't a fun person. On the inside i wanted to be someone who could do everything that i wanted but on the outside i knew that i wasn't. After hearing about lap band i knew that i wanted to do it and i knew that i was going to. So one year ago today is when i found my dr the next day i made the appointment and today here i am a little wiser and allot healthier. Im still not where i want to be but im so far from where i was. I have worn a swim suit and i have shopped at ever store in the mall and i don't have to wear a size XXX L and my pants are not a size 20 and my bras are not a size 44 D and my underwear are no longer a size 18, and i don't have a ring size of 11 on my ring finger. Today as of right now i wear a shirt size of Large a pants size of 13 juniors underwear size med and a bra size 38 B and my ring finger size is 8.
    Granted i have been through hell and i have been in bandster hell and i made it! I have had problems and i have still made it to here healthy, happy, and for the first time in a long time excited about life. When i am ask knowing everything that i know now would i still have done it my answer is always the same YES. Knowing everything that i know I still would have done it. Do i ever get scared when i feel like something is going wrong YES but i seem to always make it through the hard times and come back and looking back i would do it again every time.
    If you are sitting here today wondering if you should have lap band because of all the stories you have read and all the horrible things people have told you, im here to tell you that its all up to you. If you want to go for a healthier life then look at all your options and find the one that works for you but don't ever let anyone tell you that you cant do it. You have to do this for you not for anyone else! I love to exercises now and i go to the gym every day that its opened i am going back to school i have a full time job and i am married with three kids. Before lap band half of the things i do now where not possible but with the new me anything is possible. Don't ever get down on you because you can change and you can make your life what you want it to be! When you start don't let yourself stop and take the time to reward yourself. Make the change for you not for anyone else. OH and one more thing I got to meet Jessie James last weekend and i had the courage to ask him to take a pic with me something that i could have never done before lap band!!!!!!
  5. newlife4nekaylyn
    OK so here i am six days later and so far no pain!!!! I did have my husband call my Dr last night because the pain was so bad that i was shaking and crying something that i rarely do. And i never ask to call the dr and i never go to the er, so when i do that's when people start to worry about me. But it was so intense last night that i thought i might die yes for real. I know that when ever i have pain that bad i turn in to like this awful person who cant control what i say lol. My husband just laughs at me after he finds out im not going to die and ill be ok. Any ways after talking to the dr and him telling my husband that there shouldn't be that much acid in anyone's tummy and that i had a reason to be pissy and cry he told my husband to go to the store and get some childrens Motrin and give me that and in the morning he would call me in something different. Well i took two phynigrin before he got back then he gave me the Motrin and i slept all night!!!!! All night long! I haven't don't that since last Saturday!! And please don't get me wrong i still love my band and i still want it and when they told me they had to take liquid out i cried because i have come so so so far and im not going back! But this heart burn is horrible! And sadly it wasn't my fault. they don't know what is happening but I do have to go back for more test . OK so i cant eat real food till tomorrow and trust me that scares the hell out of me but today i was going to the store and i thought to myself what can i eat............................... Then i thought what is the most gentlest thing that i can thing of..... and trust me this took a while but then i saw the diapers and thought oh baby food!!!!!! Ok i know what your thinking gross right but really I haven't eaten in six days and when i did it wasn't very much and it made me hurt to the point of i stopped even drinks where making me hurt that's maybe why they had to give me an iv. any ways this morning i woke up and drank a very small coffee cup of water and that made my tummy feel just icky. Like it was raw on the inside i know gross but any ways so i called my friend who has a baby and asked her what her baby liked and what i could get that wasn't high in acid. She told me all the good stuff to get because well i haven't ever had a baby and i have no clue about the baby food. She told me to get some meats but the ones that where dinners not just the meat so i did and so i got that and some bananas because i read that they help with acid in your tummy and while am allergic to reg bananas i thought its got to be better then feeling like crap right? ok so i get home put everything away and choose chicken noodle and banana and some cereal. And its was like after i ate that and then drank the Gerber juice my stomach just stopped it calmed down stopped hurting and stopped burning everything and i didn't even have a reaction to the bananas. I felt so good i almost cried with JOY! I text my husband at work and told him he at first got scared and said that the Dr only told me i could have liquids so i got on the phone and called them and they said baby puree food was fine. Then he calmed down lol and couldn't believe that when he got home i was sleeping good and i felt even better. Of course he asked what made me think of that and really i was in the soups and everything i looked at just looked painful then i turned and again saw the diapers and it was like a light went off in my head. Any ways im just happy that my stomach is happy with me again and that i am not going crazy with pain. Ok so this would be my biggest point if your having hell with heartburn that hurts like crazy try baby food and Gerber juice, i think it saved me from going insane! I just thought i would share this because it sucks and its not fun. And i wouldn't wish this on ANYONE so really if it happens to you just try to baby food.
  6. newlife4nekaylyn
    OK so after my scare of yesterday i am feeling better today, They took out 4ccs because of way to much acid in my stomach. I feel more like a pin cushion today then anything. Trust me an unfill by a Dr that hasn't ever done it before not a good things ugh but here i am living to tell the tail and to go on another day right!! OK look im not putting down any kind of a hospital except for the one closest to me that i will never ever in my life go to and wouldn't let anyone i dis liked go to either, but sometimes i wish that nurse and Dr would take in to account that people in an er are sometimes really in pain and placing more pain on the person isn't nice! And don't get me wrong i understand that they have been there a long while and they are sleepy and they are unhappy at times because its so stressful really it is i know because i have worked in the health care world where sometimes you have to take a 20 hour shift and that sucks. But here is the problem that i do have, its not fair that i was stabbed 8 times with a needle about 11 in long and about a sixteen gauge. I mean everyone in the lap band world knows that its long and it quite big but we also know that they numb it before because let me be the one to tell you IT HURTS! and i have had things pierced and it isn't bad im not like the worlds biggest baby but when your already sore and your already hurting getting 8 piercings in one night isn't fun at all in fact its like cruel almost. And here is another thing since i am on it just in case anyone for the health care world is listening. When a person says please can you get the iv in my hand please because the veins in my arm are not easy to get and they blow easy you might want to listen to that person because no matter how much you learned at school that person knows there own body 110% better then you ever will. Hopefully the sweet man RN will know that next time and not blow up half of someones arm. I don't like hospitals but i know that they have a hard job so i try to be as sweet and nice as i can but its my body and i know more about my body then they do. Same with everyone else. MY dr was on vacation which im not mad about they all need a break and the dr on call, called me this morning to check on me and he was very nice but i was so sleepy i dont remember much of the conversation except he told me never to wait four days and be in pain because that isnt what lap band is for that i could call him if i was ever in that much pain again. i just hope next time he is there and not a dr that hasnt ever done anything with lap band. Please understand that i am not a bitchy person i just think that if someone is already hurting hurting them more never helps right??? so what i have learned is acid sucks, i have to drink liquids even if i don't want to and to call the dr if the pain goes on for more then a day. Lesson learned!
  7. newlife4nekaylyn
    Ok someone please help me with this PLEASE don't just read and then go on with your life because as of right now i am ready to rip out the lap band and say to hell with it. I have been sick for a week now. not get me wrong i love my lap band but as soon as i need to throw up the pain is so bad that i just want to say to hell with it but i stick it out and i go on with life because that's all that we can do right? but please tell me that someone else feels this. It starts as a burning and then moves to like this god awful gas pain and i know that i need to throw up but nothing ever comes up sometimes a big icky burp but that is about it. As of right now i have lost 20lbs in one month because for the past four days i haven't eaten and when i have i feel this need to throw up like i must have a stomach bug or something but do stomach bugs really last this long?????? FOUR WHOLE DAYS! ok no biggie because im not really hungry any ways how ever......I got to thinking which might be wrong of me but is being pregnant with lap band going to be like this???? I need to know because it scares the crap out of me to think that it would feel that bad and i wont be able to throw up. Can someone just tell me is there anything i can do i have taken the promethazine 25mg but i have to take two and it doesn't always help at all. is there anything that i can do to help this because it really sucks. And i have never been pregnant so i know if i got pregnant it would be like having the stomach virus??? and why is this stomach virus so bad??? and it usually happens about seven at night. I am giving up on eating until i know that i wont get sick that's how bad i am feeling.
  8. newlife4nekaylyn
    It is possible that i am in a bander hell! Its also possible that life is hard right now. Of course i am making the best of this and i WILL NOT GIVE UP!!!! ok so here is my problem and just so everyone knows i am working through it! I will win this fight i really will! Ok so last month i couldn't eat at all and that is hard no matter what so they took out .4cc's not to much and i did just fine. This time i went back and they put in .5cc's so yeah i was kinda worried. But i thought they know what they are doing right? Ok so the first day i could eat i tried a hamburger patter on my lunch break with my boss and i throw up everything NOT fun. so today i go black eyed peas and it seem to go down but im only eating about 10% or less and I feel tired real fast and then i feel hungry and its actually hunger not head hunger so ill go back and eat a little more. I went to my regular dr today because i got a spider bite and well that's not fun either but in the past week i have lost a good 8lbs. AWESOME for me because i thought with all the eating that's really good well now that i think about it that's not really so good 8lbs since Monday..... Idk maybe it in my head i am having issues and i honestly don't know what to do i don't want any thing taken out of my band so should i be worried or should i just go with it?? can someone help me?
  9. newlife4nekaylyn
    Ok so here it is summer and here i am with three kids who LOVE swimming just as much as me. Which was always fine as long as it was our own pool but about two years ago my kids learned about hurricane harbor and all the water fun that has to offer. All that i could see was me being the over weight mom wishing that i wasn't. I love to make my kids smile and i knew that i would be the only one uncomfortable with myself because i was over weight. I mean i never ever bought myself a swim suit because well let face it i knew i was big and big isn't always pretty in swim wear. So when i started my lap band journey i had many goals and one of the goals was to get myself to where i looked good enough to wear a swim suit in June. I have push myself and pushed my self. And back in march i bought a swim suit and i wore it at a hotel in and indoor pool and i thought to myself this wasn't bad i wasn't made fun of and this swim suit really hid all the loose skin areas. So last week i bought my whole family season passes to hurricane harbor. It was the first time that i went since i was about 17 and had an adorable body. But now here i am branded looking of some sort of redemption as far as all the excuses i had given my husband in the past about why i didn't want to go to the BIG water park. In my husbands eyes i have looked beautiful at every point but my kids are a little harder to sell on the idea. But we went yesterday and i wore my swim suit in front of the thousands of people and no bad looks no mean name calling nothing. And what made the day even better was that my son wanted to ride all the rides with me he asked me to go ride rides with him. And he said mom your pretty. He is nine and i have said this before but just to be clear i haven't had any children of my own i have three step children that i adopted. But my son is the one that i have really raised because he was so small when we met each other He acts just like me and everyone thinks that he is really mine but any ways. He told me that i was pretty and that made the day that much better! Thanks to my lap band i can go to water parks and i can feel like everyone else at them and as long as my kids are happy im pretty sure i can do anything!
  10. newlife4nekaylyn
    I think im letting things just get to me. I am siting here just thinking about things and you know maybe i have changed allot in the past eight months. That would be from August till now April. See i started out this journey that in my mind i wanted to be skinny and i wanted to be beautiful and i wanted my husband to be happy to be with me lol little did i realize that he already was but any ways. Now here i am and i am about 90lbs lighter then when i started and i have to think am i changing or are the people around me changing because i have changed? I hope that makes since but if not well im about to explain what i mean and hopefully someone can say that im not the only one that feels this way.
    OK lets talk about before what i like to call the before me and lets start with when i was over weight because that's where i want to start from. Any ways so before guys didn't look at me unless they knew me well yes i understand that you start to loose weight you start to look better to others and that is just the american way i guess. But sometimes i think maybe my fat was my cover like it was my wall between people talking to me and not talking to me. Even though now i do talk allot more and i go out a whole lot more i find that i am hit on a whole lot more and im not saying that to sound like im full of myself im not i just find that i don't like it and sometimes find myself wishing that i still had my cover. For example i have never really been comfortable with men other then my husband. I had a bad relationship and he was possessive and controlling and cruel. So i know that's why i don't like the attention of other men but i was working for a lady with a husband that was a total creep. He would wait until she left the room and start saying very inappropriate things about my body. He would tell me that my boobs looked hot stuff like that and i found myself finding ways that i could eat more and i gained two pounds from my last Dr visit and they asked me are you stressed right now because this isn't like you. well HELL yeah i was stressed who wouldn't be?? So i changed jobs and while i would like to think im doing OK im not to sure that i am. Well not really with my weight loss because i think im doing really good now i lost the two pounds and i have lost about ten more but what i mean is, is that i don't know if im doing OK mentally. I know that people go through a depression but i don't think that is what this is its just like every thing that i am doing is wrong or that my friends that i have made are wrong for me or they don't really want to be my friend. Ok what i mean is i had to start telling people that i had lap band surgery because I herd this women's daughter who has been to my house and was my daughter friend talk about me to her mother at a basketball game this year and she told her mother in not such a loud voice that i was doing drugs and that's why i was loosing so much weight and in my defense i wasn't sleeping much so yes i did have dark circles under my eyes but i don't do drugs. But i thought well she cant believe that right? Later her son came over to sit and talk to my son who is nine and she came and got her son and told him that he wasn't allowed to be around me because i am a bad person and i do bad things. OUCH! That was like a shot right to the heart when my son asked me mommy what is it that your doing that is so bad? I said nothing Ryan people just like to make things up to hurt others im healthy and i don't do bad things because i love y'all to much. And yes i ment every word of that after that game i didnt see much of the women. But now its baseball season and she made it so that her son would play baseball on the same team as my son. But there wasnt enough players so they are now on the same team and the gossip just will not stop its like they have nothing better to do. And after basketball i did start telling everyone that would listen that i had lap band surgery because i didnt want to be labled a drug addict. I mean i have worked so hard to be where i am right now and this is the kinda crap that happens. My husband told me it was my own fault because i didnt tell anyone about my lap band when i had it but i didnt want people that think that i had taken the easy way out that i had failed but now i dont really care i tell everyone that will listen! The only problem is, is that some wont listen. Ok i have said the before im sure but I live in a very small town in texas and there is always some kinda drama going on with someone and for the most part i stay out of it. Here is my other problem I grew up in this small town and my dad is the kinda guy that everyone knows and everyone loves he is the only dentist in this town and sometimes that makes life a little harder for me. People think well he is such a good guy and his wife is so wonderful well there must be something wrong with his daughter and my whole life people have thought that i was the bad child when actually its my sister and brother that are the bad kids but they are way older then me so this little town doesn't know them and all they know is me. I have never been in trouble but its like they are always waiting for it. And this lap band gives them the perfect chance. And rather i like it or not this really bothers me even though the mother that is telling her child to stay way from me and everyone in the town that im on crack, has black teeth and missing teeth and used to pound her kids off on my husband and i for the weekend every weekend so that they could go party well Idk maybe ill just start to let people think what they want to think because no matter what i do it wont change the fact that i cant change what i what people to see. Then there is my lap band friend who is my sons baseball coach who seems to like everyone but when she talks to my husband she has **** to say about everyone one. So i have to kinda ask myself is she talking **** about me when im not there? Or is she talking **** about my husband when he isn't around.
    And its not just that its like friends that i have had forever just seem to be Facebook friends now. And if they come into town they don't call they don't text when they used to. I haven't really change on the inside that much just the outside but its like most of my friends are mad at me. I am a pretty strong person but i dont know if i can really deal with this. Someone has to understand how i am feeling right???!???!???
  11. newlife4nekaylyn

    Month Seven

    By newlife4nekaylyn,

    Well im on my month seven of lap band. I have to say that so far i have had my bad times my good times and my blah times. Mainly the times that have been bad have really been my own fault. Like when i don't go to the bathroom for four days and i get built up gas all in my stomach well that's my fault and i have learned that i have to keep up with things like that. Well that is what i am going through this week and let me tell you it hurts and its not fun and i couldn't even go to work today because i couldn't get off the toilet. Now i know lots will not understand this but not all laxatives are the same. And never before lap band have i had to take any kind of a laxative. But with the band comes new things lol. So i took one Monday and nothing so yesterday i took a new one and holly cow! Never again will i listen when the bottle says you can take three at a time! But on the bright side and yes there is always a bright side today i want to eat again where as for the past four day i haven't really wanted to eat anything in fact i know this is bad but the only things that i have really eaten in the last four days has been about four crackers a day. That's what happens when you don't go to the bathroom.
    But enough about that, This is what i would really like to talk about today and yes im sure it may piss off some but really i don't care, someone needs to say it right? This is what i hear the most and some how it really hits a nerve with me. Its when people say well so and so had it done and they lost a few pounds but they weight more now. OR i read this ALLOT " im sick of lap band i don't weight any less and i hate it im getting the sleeve." OK no normally i would feel sorry of the person but when i start asking questions like well how many times did you have it filled? And they say oh well just once or twice then i stopped going, it kinda makes me what to say well then its your own damn fault and maybe you should have spent the money some place else. And i understand that the sleeve seems to work for lots of people don't get me wrong there but again you have to work with that just like you do with the band!!!!! I know that getting stuck isn't the funnest part of the band and in fact it SUCKS but if you eat what you know that you can and you do what your supposed to do then i don't see the problem! As far as restriction go well i have it but then again i have been fill every month since i had this done minus two because i didn't need it. Its like i told my friend that just had this done last month, Its not easy and at times it sucks but when you start to look awesome and people start to tell you how good you look you want to keep going even though sometimes it sucks. I told her that you have to get your fills and that you have to still watch how much your eating because at times your head can lie to you when your stomach is saying stop and I told her my all time very Favorite line " The band doesn't fail people, people fail the band" which means you would with the band you do what your supposed to and you will loose the weight! I mean really if so many people fail with the band then why is there still so many that get it done. Here is another thing, you have to have a want to. You have to want to loose the weight because if not your just spinning your wheels. I have herd to many people so well i have had the band for three months and i haven't lost that much well it didn't take you three months to gain it all so why would it take only three months to loose it all?????????
    I have been told that at times i can be harsh and yes i know very well that i can but really don't keep complaining about something when your not willing to work for what you want! i can walk up to 15 miles now could i do that the first day UH NO i could barely do one and i didn't get up to that until about my third month after surgery but i am out there everyday. When i first got on the bike i could barley do a 10 min incline run now i am up to 45 mins and you know what i can do it and i can keep going because i have to want to! I have 20 more pounds to go until i can say that i am the same weight as i was in high school i was 175 and no i wasn't fat. but any ways all im say is that your cant complain about the band unless you have worked every where possible with the band to loose the weight.
    Hate it or not that's how i feel! TO everyone working hard to get to your goals keep it up and there is a light at the end of the tunnel for everyone!
  12. newlife4nekaylyn
    Well yesterday out of pure want to i tried on my wedding dress from 2009. I put on the slip that wouldn't stay up with out a fight, i put the suckeriner bra thing on that i didn't need extenders for any more and i gracefully stepped into my wedding dress that was about six sizes too big. As i thought back to my wedding day i thought about before the wedding the scared feelings that excitement then i remembered thinking what am i going to look like in the pics? I thought omg call off the wedding im a cow. But i said oh well im not going to change in one day so lets get this over with. Needless to say i hated all the pics of my wedding that had me in them.
    And now here i am about three years later in the same dress thinking damn i wish i would have been this skinny the day of my wedding. And that makes me think should i sell this dress and buy a new one with the money i get from the old one and do it again lol or maybe just take all the pictures again. But here is the thing that was me. And my husband married me for me not for what i looked like but me. Im still the same person there is just less of me. And my husband seems to love me just as much as he did the day we said "I DO" so sitting in that dress made me realize that i was happy about the wedding and the wedding pics after all. So i pulled the dress off and i hung it up and that is where it is going to stay if for nothing else but a reminder that even fat i was still beautiful to someone.
    Its so easy to think that once you are looking cute that you were just ugly before and that everyone saw your ugliness but you. but really your only as pretty as you make your self out to be. I know most all Americans don't see it this way but this is how it should be. It really doesn't matter what you look like on the outside what matters the most is how you are on the inside. You can be the most beautiful person on the out side but if the inside is nothing but rotten it make you not look so beautiful after all. Any ways i realized that im the same person i have always been nothing really changed but my outside shell. And that is something to smile about. And now im not treated like an ogar but treated like the person i always thought that i was but no one could see but me and my husband who made it very clear that i was always beautiful to him. And once i stoped hatting myself and could see that the more beautiful i have become no one is ugly because they are fat and no one should hate themselves because they are fat that should love the person that they are. And if at the end of the day you can love the fat you as well as the new you then its a good day.
    So for that i want to say thank you to the most loving man i have ever met.
     

  13. newlife4nekaylyn
    I am so excited!!! I found a friend that started her lap band journey last month!!! And we live in the same town and our kids play sports together! I know that sounds crazy but i live in a very small town and i have yet to meet anyone that has lap band. Not only that but we have the same doctor and her first fill and my like seventh is on the same day at almost the same time. Its so nice to know that i don't have to go alone any more.
    Now i am no longer shy about telling people that i have had lap band and everyone ask me about it but they cant really understand everything until you have had it and are pretty much going through the same thing. My favorite thing about lap band is that people ask me questions but to someone who has never had it done they cant always understand what you go through on a daily basis. Like right now i am having to fight myself to stay way from food, and drink more protein that is just icky. Any what i mean by staying away from food is that i have to stop myself from just snacking on everything like when i cook i want to snack but then when the meal is done im not hungry any more and if i eat well my tummy says NO! so that for me is my biggest problem right now. Every day is something new. I have pretty much everything but snacking under control so far. i have awesome blood pressure, haven't had heart burn in a while, i haven't been sick in a while, And im not feeling sleepy all day long any more. I got all my lab work done and everything was wonderful! That can make anyone day better when you hear that your vitamins are wonderful.
    I have knowtist that my tast in food has changed. Like i used to love chicken nuggets and french fry's. now not so much. I like more fish now and i like lots of veggies now and just things that before i liked but never really wanted. French fry's are my least favorite food and bread. But i find that i really don't miss them that much any more. I do still eat pasta from time to time and Ramon noodles lol but i found that i can eat them when i cant eat anything else. Chips are becoming a problem and they weren't before my last fill. I can eat them but it hurts and i do the little furby sounds. so i guess maybe i should stay way from all chips, and tacos. Before its all said and done im starting to wonder if there will be anything that i can eat lol. the only veggies that i have found that i just cant do is broccoli, and sometimes asparagus but to be honest i don't really like asparagus that much. I hate when its in a can! And they are not easy to eat when steamed. Oh and raw veggies, they are not good going down. pretty much i have found that anything cold isnt easy to go down and usually wont. But again i don't really seem to mind it so much.
    Now don't be crazy there are tons of things that i would just LOVE to eat like a burger, or stake, or turkey, and Chicken but i look at all the ways that i used to fix this stuff and i realize that its really wasn't that good for me to start with. Any ways i know this is all scattered and nuts but oh well.
  14. newlife4nekaylyn
    Ok as everyone knows and as i have said before i have had an obession with food my whole life. Starting from when i was about four years old. I think that is when it started. I remember sitting in the living room watching my cartoons while my mom worked in her office in our home. I ran in and ask may i please have a snack. My mother told me no you may not. I was hungry and not fully understanding the reason why i couldn't have one of my favorite snacks (a hot dog with cheese no bread) i went in to the kitchen and i took it any ways. I took my stolen snack back to the living room and ate it as fast as i could before i herd the calculator machine stop. That would have been where the problem seem to come from, being told no when i was really hungry. Back the i didn't know what fat was or what over weight was, i was a healthy little girl but again with big bones and i wasn't fat!
    I remember many times eating dinner and not eating everything on my plate and getting in trouble and then later when i would be hungry being told no that i couldn't have something because i didn't clean my plate. I was always told to clean my plate and then i could have something. Well when a child doesn't make his/her own plate its a little hard to say you have to eat everything when the child gave it a good run. But a child's stomach can only hold so much at a time.
    My mom would always make dinner or order it in, sit me down in the living room with a small child sized TV tray and load a plate not really load but give me small portions and give me about three cups of juice, milk, and water. I was told i had to eat and drink everything. Thinking about all this now i can understand why i really didn't eat everything on my plate most times i would just drink to much and not be hungry. I don't want to blame my mom for this but then again she was part of the cause for my food obsession.
    I am not saying that i was a miss treated child no i had everything a kid could ever want and i didn't want for anything. My mom was obsessed with body image and the way that she looked and the way that i looked. Being a mother now myself i can kind of understand somethings that she did, but i will never be able to understand why she did some of the things that she did to me.
    Here is why i want to talk about this because i have wrote briefly about this but never really told any one but my husband my obsession with food. Its not that i just love the taste of food and its not that i love the smell or different foods its that i have a problem with food. The best that i can tell any one is that i have had eating disorders and an unhealthy obsession with food.
    Life with food wasn't a good life for me I realized early on that if i could sneak food then i wouldn't have to ask for it therefore i wouldn't have to be told no and i wouldn't have to be hungry. I was told no and could deal with it i wasn't a spoiled kid i knew the word no and i didn't through fits but for me being told no to food was just being mean. I never question why i was told no because that's just the way life was i was told no and i was never to question it. And i really didn't. I guess the next time i remember a problem involving food was when i was about six years old, My mom put me in every dance class possible and i loved basketball i wanted to be a dancer and play basketball when i got older i remember telling my grandmother. But my mom told me that there are no fat dancers. I didn't understand but one night at dinner she told me i couldn't have any more food because i wanted to be a dancer. It was a little like she was using my dreams against me. I didn't really care because after that i learned if i went and ate with my grandma every night then she would let me have seconds on anything that i wanted. When i was five we moved from Bedford Texas to ranger Texas because my mom wanted to sale ostriches and live on our family ranch. She moved my grandma and grandpa out there to so we lived in a little house and down the road a bit they had a house. It got to the point that i stayed at my grandmas all the time because her house was warm and because i loved her and wanted to be around her all the time. When i was six she started teaching me little things to cook, she told me what to put in and how much and how to measure things and all that fun stuff. By the age of eight i could make my favorite meal all by my self. She called it stuffed weenies, you take a weenie and cut it open and fill it with mustered and mashed potatoes and then add cheese on the top.
    My mom had a fight with my grandma about how much she was letting me eat all the time and that i was getting fat. I wasn't meant to hear that conversation but i did and it hurt my feelings. I didn't stay in all the time I loved to go outside and play and i did all the time. I remember my grandpa would pick me up from school and take me to his house and my grandma would let me have whatever i wanted as an after school snack and i would watch my cartoons and do my home work and go outside and play. If i was eating an my mom was about to come in my grandpa would either come and tell me or he would hit the floor really hard with his cane so i would know to put away whatever i was eating. sometimes i would get caught with my food and i would be in trouble and my mom would tell me that i had to go home. I never wanted to leave my grandmas house it was my safe house to do what i wanted.
    When i would go home i usually had to heat up my own dinner and do my home work which wasn't fun with my mom she had very little patience's for my lack of math skills or that i had a hard time reading. Pulse i was always hungry when i would go to sleep. When i got to be about 14 we moved into a new home still on the ranch and still not very far from my grandma. My grandma and grandpa where both getting older and my grandma had Alzheimer and my grandpa had gone blind in both eyes. i didn't have a food outlet and my grandma kept me all that summer and bought me whatever i wanted and all the sodas i could drink which i said before with my mom wasn't allowed. I had gained weight and my mom only came down on me harder.
    I still wasn't fat but she didnt see that. She and my dad would ask me do you really need to eat that? They would cook spaghetti and i wasn't supposed to eat it i still don't know what i was supposed to eat but every time i would take a bite they would watch me to the point of i just didn't want to eat any more. I had stopped eating for two weeks and my mom thought it was a good thing. I stopped because she told me that cheerleaders where not fat. And i was trying out but didn't make it and i was told if i had lost more weight then i could have made it. I never tried out again for fear that my life with food would be a bigger hell then it already was.
    I weight a good 100lbs at the age of 14 and gained about thirty pound that year because of all the weight lifting i was doing and at the end of the year i weighted 130lbs but again i wasn't fat i was big boned and had lots of muscles all the way up until i was 16 i weight the same. I had a rundown of diet pills to take every day and shakes that i was supposed to drink.
    When i was 16 i was sick of being told i couldn't have this and i couldn't drink that so sick to the point that i stopped eating for about four weeks i found that I could drink soda and stay fool. i lost weight and started weighting about 120 my mom said that i should keep doing what i was doing. I was sick of her and started to just not like her and not want to be around her. I also started to binge eat i would eat and eat until i threw up. My mom and dad where gone most of my sophomore year and left me 300$ for gas food and all the stuff that i might need pulse my lunch money for school. Instead of going out like most kids my age would have done i would stay at home and eat. I would cook rice and mac and cheese and all the things that i couldn't have normally. I would eat so much i couldn't even sleep at night and i would wake up at night just to eat more. On the weekends i would stay at home and lock all the doors and eat. That's when i thought maybe i have a problem. i would wake up at night when my mom and dad where sleeping and sneak food out of the fridge and hoped that no one found out in the mornings. I had lots of basketball games and came home real late at night and there wouldn't be any food from dinner for me that was my moms way of saying i was getting fat and didn't need to eat.
    That only seem to add to my problem i would get home from a basketball game or any after school things and go to a fast food place and get all kinds of food and eat all the way home. I wasnt fat i worked out like crazy then. That was my life until i went to college and found out that if i wanted it i could have it. Again by the time i realized i was over weight i was a good 240lbs. My mom would talk to my friends and ask them if i was drinking cokes, when she came to where i was living she would see a coke can and tell me "this is why you are as big as a barn" she would tell all my friends that i was as big as a barn and just be cruel and mean. That didn't want to make me loose weight that only add to my problem. I got to a point of food was the only think that i could count on all the time. It was always there and it seem to always make me feel better.
    My dad has a conversation with me about my weight right after a horrible relationship, he told me that no man will ever want me because i was so fat. i was 240 and while i know that isn't the ideal weight i was still a person and things like that still hurt me. I went to the kitchen that night and just ate and ate and ate. i was on a roller coaster for the worst. I didn't think i would ever have anyone to love me because of that conversation right there.
    When i met my husband i was about 250 or more i didn't believe that he wanted to marry me or even that he loved me. by the time we got married i was about 265 or 275. But she said that he loved me no matter what. we got married and by last summer i was a good 285lbs. At that time my mom informed me that my husband was going to leave me if i didn't loose weight. that made me eat more and more i hated her i hated me and i hated my husband who said he would always love me and that i shouldn't listen to any one.
    I cant say that i love food in fact i hate food but obsessed yes. I am my husband told me that when we would sit down for dinner before i would eat about three plateful of food and it wasn't because i was hungry its because i could. I talked to a consular about my surgery. He asked me how i felt about food i said i hate it but its like im obsessed and that all that i can think about and i cant make myself stop on my own i need help. I needed the help to see that food didn't control me that i could control what i wanted and what i didn't. I needed more then anything to know that i was in control again. And without lap band and my Doctor i would have never been possible for me to get over the control that food had on me. Some times i still have the want to to just go and eat and eat but i don't have to and i have the control not to. So yes i am still obsessed with food but it doesn't have control over me any more.
    Being an overweight mom was hard for me and i was doing wrong with my kids and i can see that now. I would let then eat 24/7 whatever they wanted any time they wanted and that was wrong of me. They would eat all the time. I could see my own son start to get a big belly and sometimes throw up from eating way to much. I realized that kids shouldn't have to clean there plate that if they are full they should stop eating. Since i had surgery and lost weight i give smaller portions to my family and they are getting healthy along with me. Something else good did come from my surgery my family is healthy and all at healthy weights for there ages now. I let them have snacks like pizza rolls and stuff but i don't let them eat all day long i ask them are you hungry or are you board? Usually the answer is just board mom so i give them a game to play out side or hand them a basketball and tell them to go play. They are not starving and they are healthy and happy and they will never have to sneak food from our house all they have to do is get what they want.
  15. newlife4nekaylyn
    Well its a new day and that means new obstetrical, I have found since me and lap band became friends that i have new things to deal with everyday. What are you talking about you might ask well here we go lol. Before banding i would wake up in the mornings slowly get out of bed and want to cry as soon as my feet hit the floor. my feet hurt and my back was in a big amount of pain. Then i would go to the bathroom, Then strait to the kitchen for a soda and the remote. not to menchen i would wake up at eleven if i didnt have to take kids to school. any ways after my soda i would head to the fridge for my breakfast which was usually leftovers from the night before and since i would wake up at like 11 or 12 i didnt see the point in trying breakfast. so i would eat ten times to much and then it was lay around and watch tv, play on the computer, or maybe wash a load or two of clothes. I didnt have energy to do anything any more. And my clothes where always jeans when cold and an XXXL t-shirt and if it was hot or warm basketball shorts and an XXXL t-shirt. I mean dont get me wrong i had very beautiful clothes but i was to big to wear them.
    So that was my before life all that right there i didnt like to go or do anything! I was a total couch potato! Now this is pretty much what i face every morning i will wake up uncurl myself (i usually wake up with my knees in my chest) then i will get up out of bed stretch no pain. journey to my bathroom do my stuff, go to the kitchen start my coffee, feed my dogs play with them a while, get my coffee and get on the computer and usually this is all before i wake up the kids to go to school or like a day like today where it is spring break all before nine o'clock. any ways i drink my coffee and get on the computer and check my email, and i run a business from home called Pomeranian's place. after all my computer stuff is done and all the coffee is gone i start off with maybe a protein shake because its so hard to eat in the mornings or i just mix protein and fiber with the coffee that i am drinking. Then i start off my day with cleaning (sometimes lol) and running earns like food shopping and just everyday life stuff. I usually always try to eat by 12 in less i am working at my other job which i got in October, then i will eat at one because i dont get off until 12:30 most days. After my lunch time meal is done i will do some more cleaning or play with the dogs, then maybe go and get the kids from school or when they dont have school i will work in the garden i am planting or mow the yard i find that i love to be outside now. And i am just waiting and counting down days until summer when i can go swimming anytime that i want. And clothes well for one i had to by all new clothes and i find myself bying things that i really love and no t-shirts my sizes now are pants size 11-10 and shirts xl to large. but i can buy girls shorts and look good in them again nothing skanky im to old for that lol. well i dont think i am to old i am 25 but with three kids i don't want to embarrass them. My point is is that after lap band i feel better i feel the need to get out and go. instead of trying to find the closest parking spot at a mall or store i find one that is farther away i mean yeah i dont want to loose the car one and two sometimes i just want to get home after a long day at the mall.
    Thats another things shopping before i hated malls and i hated food shopping. I hated malls because most stores just dont make things for big women. And food shopping because that is when people are the meanest. When they see one big girl with a basket full of food they tend to sometimes say "and she wonders why she is so fat" any one else ever hear that? It will make you cry and just leave but what they dont think about is i have four other people at home besides me. Let me clear something up i knew i was fat and i knew i had a problem but until someone is in the same place that you are they will never understand what your going through.
    As for malls now i love it no one looks at me crazy when i pick up a little shirt and no one says anything about do u really thing that you can wear that? No its really not like that for me. Here is a good story it was in january when i had just hit the 100's i needed new clothes and so i went shopping at a mall. What i didnt realize was that i had no clue what i was supposed to wear. I knew the size 14s i had on where way to big for me now and the XXL shirt i had on was also way to big. I went in to a store called the buckle. I was greated by a girl and a guy, they asked me what are you looking for i said i dont know. so the guy must have seen that i was almost ready to burst into tears and he came over and said what can i help you find what kinds of clothes do u like i said well i really dont know. He said what do you mean you dont know. I said well you dont understand before now all i have been wearing is basketball shorts and t-shirts. he smiled and said why i told him because before now i weighed about 300lbs he smiled and said no you didnt, i said um yeah i did and now that i can wear things in this store i dont even know where to start. He said well how much do you weigh now i said 198. he stoped and said holly crap! but he brought me all kinds of things to try on and worked with me untill i found a pair of jeans that fit perfect. He asked what size i was wearing right now i said a 14 he said no you my friend are in a size 11-12! Thanks to that guy i can now go into a store and know exactly what im looking for and what to buy although my size has dropped again i still know where i am supposed to be.
    I know many people have had to feel like this sometime in there lives right. It is just so awesome to know that when i tell people how big i was they are like no way your so little now. Ill admit after that i went a little extream with the weight loss. And this right here is why they will not fill my band i lost to much weight to fast and with out really seeing it i was in trouble. I haven't been filled since January. I wasnt eating like i was supposed to and no i wasn't eating crap i was eating maybe once a day. and my band gets tighter and tighter when i don't eat. again i dont know why this happens it just seems to happen. I would eat one slice of lunch meat for lunch and again for dinner. I wasn't hungry and if i thought i might be i would drink something. Well my husband started trying to make me eat and thats when the throwing up started and im still fighting with it but im also eating right again and im trying very hard to do what i know i am supposed to do. And the treat of going to the hospital makes me want to stay on track. What i was doing wasn't right but i got carried away with all the weight that i was loosing and weighing myself everyday wasn't helping. And my scale was way off and that wasn't helping either when i thought that i weighted 198 or like a month and what i really was weighting was 189 well that's a big difference. I am back on track now and i gained a little weight back but it wasn't bad i didnt crumple and die but im slowly loosing weight again and the way that i am supposed to so im happy and i only weight myself once a month and when the doctor does it for me. And that takes a lot of pressure off my shoulder.
    So even if you slip a little make sure you have someone to catch you and throw you back in place because everyone needs someone while dealing with change. And im not going to stop im am just going to do it smarter. And at the end of the day i know i am better then one year ago. and that to me is well worth it.
  16. newlife4nekaylyn
    One day while my husband and i where not married but a couple i went out to where he works for lunch, As we ate our lunch we got to talking about this guy that he didn't like and i had just seen. I ask what his name was he said Robbie i said oh like my name lol he said yes. We where talking and the conversation came up that he had had lap band surgery about two years ago. I said well how much did he weigh before? My husband said he weights more now then he did when he started. I could tell i had a puzzled look on my face and i said but my real mother had gastric bypass and she lost about 200lbs. He said yeah well he said lap band doesn't work.
    That right there was my first conversation about lap band and the first time that i had even herd of it I thought well that will be something that i never ever do and just forgot about it. Until i considered the surgery for myself after i found a doctor that would do it and it not cost an arm, leg, and liver then i got to thinking about that very conversation. I was a little worried so i got online and looked it up. I stubbed on a video on YouTube about lap band and i saw that people did really really good with it. I was confused and wanted to know why in the world this guy had only gained weight. So who better to ask then the doctor himself right.
    Well my appointment came around and i had so many question and thoughts and was pretty much scared crapless why i still don't know but i did ask if this going to work because there is a guy and he said it doesn't work and he gained lots of weight back. The doctor and the dietitian both said you have to make it work. It is nothing but a tool and you can cheat it but really your only cheating yourself. I said so is there a way that i can know that i wouldn't end up bigger then when i started? They said yes you do what your supposed to and don't try to cheat your band and make sure that you have fills like your supposed to. I said really that's it. The dietitian said its a tool its there to help you loose the weight, if you are not serious about it and you continue to do what your doing now then NO it will not work and it will be no ones fault but your own.So i left that day with a new look on life and a new feeling about life i thought well i can do this and i want to, I want to be the person that i feel like i am on the inside!
    But the thought was still in my head if this guy gained so much weight back what did he do wrong. So i asked my husband who later came back and told me, He had one fill, drank sodas, ate whatever he wanted and more. That was all i had to hear was that the band didnt fail him he failed the band. And **** happens i know but i still cant for the life of me understand why someone would pay so much money to have this done and not do what they know they are supposed to do?
    Its not even that hard to stick to really. Its protein really you just have to make sure that your getting lots of protein and not lots of crap. Yeah im sure it will not kill you to eat bread but the first time it gets stuck i promise you probably will not be eating bread again. Grease the first time you get heart burn real bad and throw it up you probably will try and stay away from it right? I know i do. Sugar well they make all kinds of sugar for people now that cant have real sugar its not hard to just stop buying and sub it for the fake sugar. Sodas I can see being a problem. I don't miss the taste and i really don't miss buying them the only thing i really miss are the bubbles. I know it sounds really crazy but that's really all that i miss about them. I haven't had a soda since august. Candy wasn't hard for me to give up i don't like it any ways. Chocolate well you can find it in sugar free and most of it now is pretty good. I will eat dark chocolate but i don't like to much of the rest. Cookies i will be the first to tell you i went through a cookie faze but again it in moderation i didn't just sit down and eat a whole box of cookies just about two or three a day and i didn't gain anything. Ice cream again i am going through that faze right now and still in moderation. I remember when i could sit down and eat a whole pint of Ben and Jerry's by myself now it takes me weeks and weeks to get through one and still i don't weigh any more. The band isn't there to be a BIG DIET your whole life its there as a tool so you can learn to control your portions and control what you eat and to know that most the time its not that your hungry but your board and that's what people tend to do when they are board is eat. Why i don't really know it just seems to be the thing to do.
    That's why i am going to say this if you dont work with your band it will NOT work with you. It didn't take you one night to gain all the weight and its not going to take one night to loose all the weight. Hell it might even take longer then a year but if you are doing what your supposed to be doing to work with the band then there shouldn't be a problem! Now don't get me wrong there are ways the band can fail and i have read about it and watched it on YouTube but most of them where fixable unless the person didn't want them fixed or couldn't have them fixed. I have herd about a hole in the band where it leaks the water and wont fill that is the bands fault not yours. Also your band can slip and they will tell you that and from all the ones that i have herd about its because of the person not listening when they say very clearly DO NOT EAT HARD FOOD. Don't eat to soon and don't do anything that they tell you not to do there are reasons they are telling you this. Its not to piss you off and its not to hurt you its because they want you to have success with the band. Now what you cant always help its when you have a tummy bug and are throwing up to hard your band can slip and i have read that you cant even keep down liquid and there is horrible pain in your lower back and chest. I hope i don't ever have that!
    But really the band can only work if you work with your band. If you don't want to work with the band then don't worry about the surgery because you probably shouldn't get it. Im not trying to be mean im just saying i am so sick of people saying the band doesn't work. I think its a bitterness that it didn't work for someone and they are pissed and they don't want anyone else to get the band because for them it didn't work. I can sit here an honestly say all the bad things that i have been through have been MY OWN DAMN FAULT. And i will say that so far every time except for the tummy bug there just wasn't anything any one could do for me. It wasn't really anyone's fault. I could blame everyone but at the end of it all i am the only one that is putting things in my mouth. No one else does it for me. So don't let anyone put you down if you want lap band and think its the best thing for you then you get it and make everyone else eat their harsh mean words! Because i know without a doubt that you all can do it and everyone can make it work for them.
    There will be bumps, bruises, scratches, cuts, stops, slips, tears, pain, sweat, emotions, and maybe even some heart aches along the way but you have to remember your starting a new life. And with new things comes other new things. And im sure you can always find a friend on here who will understand what your dealing with and can find a way to help you to deal, and heal from whatever it is. And never let others get you down. Because once you see the new you, you will smile and know that it was all worth it and it really wasn't so bad it was really kind of fun. And once you see the 100's mark even if its 199 you will feel joy and just feel like you can rule the world and maybe even cry with happiness.
    Always remember this you didn't get fat over night so don't think you will get skinny over night. It takes work and more work and time.
  17. newlife4nekaylyn
    It took me five months to see that i had lost weight. It took my mom forcing me to into a size 16 from a 20 (because i was scared they wouldn't fit). And sometimes i don't see that i have changed at all. When i look in the mirror sometimes i still see the old me, the me that was over weight to the point of i didn't look like i had a neck. I don't recognize the person looking back at me sometimes. Although lots of people have said to me "you have lost so much weight! How did you do it?" The first time i realized that i really wasn't the fat girl any more was really two weeks ago when i took a pic with my daughter for the first time since i had surgery. Granted i cant fit in any of my old clothes but i do still try to wear them sometimes. I cant wear the pants clearly since i am in a size 11 now but i do still try to wear my old shirts size XXX L when really i can fit in a size XL and its loose. So why do i feel like i haven't lost anything?
    The mirror is my worst enemy. I have no full length mirrors in my house all my mirrors are boob up mirrors. I did that because i didnt want to see anything below that before and i really had no reason to as long as my shoes matched. I know that i have lost weight, but when i saw that it was like wow! I kinda feel like i have cheated myself like i just woke up one morning and the weight that i see in the mirror was gone. I saw the scales but i guess in my mind i just didn't want to believe it. I really hope that i am not the only one that is feeling this way. I want to be able to see what everyone else sees but im not sure that i can ever see that.
    I love wearing jeans that i can buy from jcp or the buckle or where ever i want and i love to be able to go in to any store and buy any shirt or under wear or bra that i want but i just want to see it for myself!
    Any ways im not saying that i am not happy that i am getting health im just saying why can i not see it? Please someone tell me that you are having the same problem, that its not just me and im not just crazy,
  18. newlife4nekaylyn
    On my journey the one thing that i can say is that its not my fault that i am loosing weight and your not! I have worked hard to be where i am right now and what have you done? Nothing but put me down! Ok let me explain please i have known lots of people like this, Before when i was big there where people that would talk to me but we were not friends. Now the same people think that its ok to pretend like i dont exist or they will talk bad about me say things like so and so's mom (and point at me) is on drugs and thats why she has lost so much weight. I have even had one parent that wouldnt let her child come and sit with us because of that little remark made by her daughter. Some people are just that dumb and we will just have to learn to deal with dumb people.
    I try just let it go because me and all the people that matter are happy for me but sometimes it just gets to me and i just want to show them my scars and say no i had WLS dumb A#$ but i dont i just let it go and worry about it later. well again im makeing this short i just wnanted to get that off my chest! have a wonderful day!
  19. newlife4nekaylyn
    Ok im going to make this short and sweet because i had a four hour drive today and then a big basketball game that was a real nail bitter so i am a little sleepy. Any ways i kinda want to talk about sweets tonight. Ok now even though i have done really good with my lap band I still sometimes eat sweets. I still eat cookies and ice cream and very rarely do i ever eat candy but sometimes. I don't really like candy all that much. Any ways i have lost a total of 80 something pounds since i have been banded and i have eaten cookies and ice cream since the fourth month of my surgery. And guess what i am still loosing. i dont take it to any kind of an ext ream like i don't just eat and eat and eat. I control the amounts that i eat but i dont think that just because we have had lap band that we should just eat healthy food i do feel like its ok every so often that we can eat something like cookies or ice cream. Idk maybe i am wrong but i have told my doctor about my sweets eating and the nurse said that she has gone through the same kind of things. I know that we are not supposed to eat anything like that but i am still loosing so i dont see a probably.
    Ok now that i am off that little subject i also want to talk about loose skin real fast. Its driving me crazy!! I feel like i should look better but this loose skin is getting in my way. Dont get me wrong i dont have as much as some but i still have it and its still there and they tell me well you are 25 and it should go away. But will it ever go away??? OK like my legs everything is pretty much bone now but my inner thighs are gross nasty with loose skin! and its not going away no matter what i do and im not saying that you know i want it to go away so that i can wear the shorty shorts but i do have to watch what kind of shorts i get because of it. And sorry to say this but sometimes it gets in the way my special time with my husband and i just knowtist this like last week it has gotten really bad! and my arms they are getting bad too and it really doesn't matter what i do they are still like that. maybe someone can give me a little help on what to do about this any thing but surgery.
    Ok so that is pretty much all that i have to talk about tonight! Good night all.
  20. newlife4nekaylyn
    Ok i know that i already posted a blog earlier but i cant help but to remember things that i want to talk about and didn't. Life with lap band isn't perfect and it wasn't meant to be its a tool just like a computer or a calculator is its there for help. It isnt there to just take the fat away while you do nothing its not an easy fix, now the reason i say this is because i can not count the number of time i have been told well isnt that cheating? And this is my answer "NO you dont understand i have a leave of control that wasn't there before. I have this tool to help me to not make bad choices and sometimes i do and then i realize by my own hard hardheadedness that maybe i shouldn't have done that. But again its nothing more then a tool". Then another question i have been ask is Why couldn't you have just done this on your own? This would be my Favorite question. And here is what i usually say " have you ever been on a diet and got stuck at one number and at the end of the day you just felt like it wasn't worth it any more? Well it was like that for me and i would give up or maybe you went on a diet but at the same time wanted a big plate of food and you just said screw it and ate whatever you wanted any ways and then gained weight and the whole thing just didn't seem to work for you? that is why i did it because i need control and i need a way that wont let me cheat and i need to feel like i can do something about the way that i look." Here is what the people who love you and care about you need to understand its all about you with lap band now i dont mean go and forget about others but you have to make your weight loss something that is yours. Something that you can control and something that is for you because if you dont want to do it then you wont. It has to be for you and yes there are other reasons mine was i wanted to go to a water park with my family and wear a swim suit nothing skanky just wear one again. i told my self that if i could get down to the 100s by Christmas we were going to great wolf lodge (its an indoor water park). I know i was banded in September and didnt give my self much time but for Christmas i was at that water park and i was in a swimming suit. Again nothing skanky and i wore shorts and a shirt but the good thing was that i didnt really have to and i damn sure didnt have to wear boys swim trunks and i didnt have to wear about ten undershirts. I was in a women swimming suit and i wasnt scared of well maybe i shouldnt wear this im too fat. i was 210lbs and that to me was so much better then 280. I have done things now that i would have never been able to do before. If i had never have done this for myself and done it for someone else i don't think that i would have stuck with it. I think it would have been like everything else that i had done before to try and get the weight off and yes before it was for someone else and it wasn't ever really for me.
    Some question will really get to you and might even make you think well should i really have done this? When i had this done i didn't want to let anyone know what i did i was scared that they would think i was cheating and that i had failed. But i realized that not to many people really think that not to many people are really that fast to judge you. However i have found some that are. See when you start to loose a lot of weight people what to know how, how you did it and what you are doing. And again at first these where not easy question to answer i mean how are you supposed to tell people that you have had weight loss surgery. For a while i thought well maybe i have cheated myself maybe i could have done this on my own and i didn't really need the lap band. But the truth was always there i needed some help i needed it and so i posted on Facebook what i did and just sat and waited. I waited to see what people would think of me now that they had the chance to ask me and find out what i had really done. and it turns out most of the feed back that i got wasn't bad it was mostly all good, and then there is the question here it is " was your husband going to leave you because you where so fat?" No my husband loved me for me not for what i looked like i mean he says that i am more fun now but he has always loved me.
    I get a look sometimes when i tell people that i have had lap band like ummm you did what? and sometimes its a pitty look like oh that poor girl she must have weighted 500lbs. But with time it gets easier to deal with all the questions all the bad look and you end up just smiling and knowing that you did what was right for you. And do be surprised when people act like you didn't know you were fat. LOL this is one of the questions i hate the most. " well what made you decide you were fat?" Im always like wtf! Do you really think that i didnt know i was fat? I looked im a mirror every day of my life. In fact i didnt decide i was fat i decided to get help for myself, because i wasn't doing a very good job on my own.
    Here is something else that i have learned people treat you different even some of your friends will treat you different. I mean people are nice but sometimes when someone sees you like a cable guy or something they will be nice but that's pretty much it. Example i had a cable guy come to my house to install internet for after my surgery. He was nice answered all my questions and did his job and left. two months ago i had to call them back because of some outside issues and the way i was treated was completely different he had a conversation with me and told me all kinds of things but when i was bigger he wouldn't say more then a few words to me at a time. People in stores treat you different to my husband thought i was joking until i told him to come in a store with me. One that him and i had been in when i was bigger and i had to ask for help and i had to get my own stuff they did very very little. But as soon as i walked in all of a sudden i had three people ask me what they could get for me and what size i needed. My husband has never questioned that again. When your big sometimes its hard for us to take up for our selves sometimes its like well whats the point? And i cant speek for any one else but i was like that for a long time after the surgery i didnt see the difference and i thought well if someone was to call me fat all i could do is cry and go home like i always do. Untill two weeks ago i didnt realize that i did look different that i wasnt really "fat" any more. but i was standing up to people who i would have never stood up to before, i got to a point where i wasn't going to let any one say anything about the way that i looked what my children where eating or anything and for the first time i stood up for my step son and it felt really good to do that for my child. That was another turning point were i thought wow i can do this and i didnt loose it i wasn't told to sit down and shut up and i wasn't called fat.
    LIfe after lap band isnt always fun and its not easy but i would say its more then worth it. And sometimes its crazy frustrating i mean who doesn't want a big burger from time to time or a big soda or just alot of crap all at once. But when you realize that you have the control and the will not to it all seems worth it. when your daughter comes up to you and throws her arms around you and says WOW MOM i can fit my arms around you like twice, then its all worth it. When you can do things with your husband that before just were not possible then its worth it. When you see a man from your past that put you down and told you, you where ugly and fat and couldn't been seen with you, and he says to you wow your so pretty and you can just sit and smile and tell him thank you or tell him he can go to hell which ever then you know that it was all worth it.
  21. newlife4nekaylyn
    I guess i can start with getting banded right, I guess that is where most start. I was banded on September 2,2011 its a day that you don't forget. I remember feeling scared, nerves, and completely terrified (to say the least). I guess i can also go back to the start of the weight problem right. Well here goes.
    Believe it or not i wasn't always a big heavy person. I was 165 in high school and it was all muscle but at the time i just thought it was all fat, and being big boned didn't help my way of thinking or my mothers. She saw big boned as an excuse for fat. Even at my skinniest in high school i was 145lbs. Eating at home was a battle, My mom kept a metaphorical lock and key on the fridge and everywhere in the house that there was food and sodas. I was allowed three meals a day and forget about seconds no matter how hungry i was. And sodas where a no no except to my mom and dad. They could have all the sodas they wanted. She didn't really start to come down on me until high school when i started lifting weights and the weight wouldn't stop coming on little did i know it was muscle not fat. She really came down on me hard and so did my dad. I was playing all the sports i could and ran like crazy everyday. She started me on all the diet pills i could handle until i couldn't eat any more. My sophomore year of high school she thought it was best if i drank slim fast for all meals. I was embarrassed to take the can of slim fast to school so in the morning i would drink the nasty drinks and show her that i was taking one for lunch and head out the door. She didn't give me money because that would only mean that i would eat something from the school. So there i was at lunch time and my only choice was to either drink the slim fast and look like an over weight dork or just not eat. So i chose not to eat. At dinner i would drink my slim fast and after everyone was asleep go to the kitchen and sneak a quick snack and hope she wouldn't know that it was gone in the mornings. That was mostly fine during volley ball season because you don't really run to much. And at school there was always someone willing to give me 50 cents for a soda so i didn't really feel very hungry. But basketball was a very different story. I had a game on a Monday night out of town on of the few games my mother had time to come to, I was playing hard and before i knew it i was on my floor in the gym with my coach and everyone around me. I didn't know what had happened i just remember someone was shooting a free throw and i was ready then i woke up on the floor. I was sitting on the bench and my coach asked me what i ate that day looking at my mom i said nothing really. I told her i drank a shake for breakfast and didn't eat lunch. She asked me when the last time i ate was i said i don't remember. Right then she told my mom i could stay for the game but couldn't play until i was eating again. I don't know what else she told my mom that night but i remember my dad telling my mother that it was enough with diets that if i didn't want to stick with them i shouldn't have to if i was going to go and do things like this. I felt like i had let them down i felt the need to deal with it myself. So from that year until my senior year i had eating disorders like not eating or eating till i thought my stomach was about to explode but i didn't eat at home. I would go to my friends house where her mom knew what my mom was doing to me and would fix me all kinds of food. Im not saying what i was doing was right but i didn't know that at the time.
    When i left for college i found a whole new life where i couldn't be controlled by anyone because i made all my own choices and food was my number one obsession. My boy friend was excited that i was eating and never stopped to let me know that i was gaining weight like crazy. Before i knew it i was about 240lbs the heaviest of my whole life. Other traumatic things had happened but ill save that for another story. I moved back in with my mom and that didnt help only now i could go to a fast food place and eat as much as i could and then come home. by the time that i moved out again i was a big 265 and i found it hard to loose the weight once it started. little did i know i have polytheistic ovarian syndrome and it makes it hard to loose weight.
    I met the man of my dreams in 2008 we got married in 2009 where i was 275. I wasn't happy about the weight and it would go down and come back i was tired of trying and i didn't care any more i thought well if i cant get past 240 then what is the point. I just didn't care any more. My mom had been on my about weight loss surgery but i didn't think that it was possible and i didn't think that it would work i thought i was a lost cause and i would forever be "The heavy girl". I wouldn't take pictures with my kids or my husband i didn't want to look like a big whale next to small children or a whale next to a man. They are my step kids i don't have any children of my own. I was trying diet pills and all kinds of things but at the end of the day i would just eat and eat and eat.
    One morning woke up and just hated everything my feet felt like they where going to explode from all the pressure that i was putting on them and my back was killing me. I was at the end of my rope i wanted to be skinny and i wanted my life back. I didn't like they way people would look at me and i didn't like that i felt so ugly. I hated the way that people would look at me when i went out to eat and the way that i felt when i would eat in front of people. I didn't want to go any where or do anything. I hadn't worn a swim suit in six years or more. And my whole wardrobe was basketball shorts, jeans, and XXX L t-shirts. I felt like a cow and i didn't see an end in site. August 2011 my mom came and got me and told me i needed a change and she was willing to help me no matter what the cost. I was offended of course but i wanted to change i wanted to show everyone that i was more then just "The fat girl" i was someone. I agreed to lap band and it all started.
    I didn't know what to expect i was scared and thought they might tell me i was under weight or to fat to have it done. Or later i would hear them talk about how fat i was. But when i walked in to the office i was greeted real nice like i was a real person (something i didn't expect at all) considering all the times i have walked into a doctors office and had been treated like i looked. I met with the nurses and the doctor and they where so nice and caring. And i decided i had made the right choice.
    I cried because i was scared every time i met with the doctor to be honest I knew i was going to be cut on and that scared me more then anything. My husband didn't want me to do it because he was just as scared as i was but i did it anyways. The night before the surgery i was so scared i couldn't even sleep. I felt like i was going to summer camp where i didn't know any one. I thought about my doctor telling me that i was going to be beautiful and love the way that i looked and i was going to be happy. It made that day a little easier that and i had lost 20lbs in two weeks that was a boost to. When called to the waiting room i was so scared i couldn't stop crying and i hate crying. They sent many people in there to talk to me to tell me what to expect even a nurse that met me the day before came in to check on me when she didn't even have to. Just to make sure that i was going to be ok. Now i wasn't loud and crazy lol i was just quietly worrying my self to death. they came in and gave me meds to calm me down and man did that i was happy and laughing and making jokes.
    When i woke up the pain was ok the gas however sucked. i dont remember much of that day or the next to be honest i was moving around and not eating because my tummy wasn't ready for food but i tried. I know that the gas was gone from my stomach and that was much better. Getting rid of the gas from your stomach for me it was like im about to throw up and all that came out with this horrible burp see they don't tell me that you have to learn how to burp again.
    Any ways I went back to the Dr a week later and lost another ten pounds i was happy and i didn't cry when the doctor said im happy to see your not terrified of me any more i said well your not trying to cut me he just laughed.
    Since then i have lost a total of 80 something pounds with my ups and downs which i will get to more later, but in the end it is all well worth it. And im so happy that i when through with this. Still six months later.
  22. newlife4nekaylyn
    Monday i will be going back to school, I am so scared and excited! My life didn't really turn out like i thought it would leaving high school in 2005. Sure i went to college just like all my friends and i did the classes but after a while i realized that i had no clue what i was going to do and while i knew i had a good job i was content with not going back after two years. I always had the intention on going back but i wanted to go back when i was sure i knew what i wanted to do. However my intention's got lost somewhere between gaining weight and life. I didn't want to go back to school because the thought of sitting in a desk at about 300lbs was just to much for me. Not only that i didn't feel like going to classes everyday. I thought that i would go back to school to do hair and nails but again i wasn't sure and it felt like i was always stopping myself.
    When i got the job as a dental assistant at my fathers dental office he told me that i should start doing the billing and the insurance so i was told and shown how to do it and i started. I was a little tricky at first but once i got it i realized just how much i really loved doing it. So why not make that my job right? Why not go back to school because now i have no excuses. I am healthy i am fit and i have the drive to do it. I have had many colleges call me and once they talk to me they have told me how much drive i have is amazing. I know what i want and i know where i want to be in the next five years. I honestly had no clue that i had that in me. I have the drive to do what i want and i have to want to, to get it done. For the first time in a very long time i am taking my life back into my hands and not letting myself stop me. I have placed so much pressure on myself that at times i thought i was going to blow my top but really all that pressure seemed to move me in the direction that i needed to be going.
    I looked at my kids and i thought if they are working their butts off in school right now why cant I? And if i am telling them they have to go to college and i quit and didn't go back what kind of a message is that sending to them? I feel like i have to prove myself in order to prove to my children that just because you make a few mistakes that you can fix your life to be what you want it to be. If i can go through lap band and get to a healthy me and make my kids healthy along the way then why cant i show them that i can also go back to school at 25 and make something more of myself. I have shown them that it is ok to ask for help when you need it and to reach for the stars and find something that makes you feel like your on top of the world and go for it.
    Here is my main point i am a smart person, I have done things backwards and forwards, and i have made it this far. But with out the step that i made to start my second chance without lap bands help i would still be sitting on my coach drinking my sodas and eating like crazy and being an unhappy person with all these i want too's. So i want to say thanks to my Doctor and thanks to everyone at Bariatric solutions for giving me this second chance with my life! I couldn't be any happier then i am right now with myself and my choices.
  23. newlife4nekaylyn
    Well i am almost at my year mark. only one more month and ill be there September will be one whole year. Last month was truly the hardest month i have had in my journey. And it turns out it really wasn't my fault. But for me to get to the point of how this happened i guess you kinda have to go back to where it started right?? Back in February i found out that i have arthritis in my hands crazy because im only 25 but my reg Doctor said i have had it for a while i was just to big to really see it before. So he put me on a drug called neproxon to help with swelling and the pain. My lap band dr informed me that i shouldn't be taking them since i have had ulcers in the past and to go ahead and take what i was told but if i got heart burn to stop taking them. So i got the heart burn and i stopped.
    So last month i started to get what i thought was a tooth ache, i haven't ever had one before and the dentist that i work for was out of town so they called me in an antibiotic and some pain medication. i was sitting right there and hurt what she said when she called the meds in. I went and picked up the meds and started taking the antibiotic and the pain meds that on the bottle said Sub for lortab, which is hydrocodone. After a while the pain was still there and nothing seem to change. The pain was still there now before this i hurt my back falling out of a chair and my reg dr gave me Tramadol and a muscle relaxer. so i thought maybe i would take the Tramadol and that just made me sick to my stomach. So i stopped taking all of it but the antibiotic. Then i got a horrible ear infection and realized it wasn't my teeth but the ear. Any ways after that is when the horrible heart burn started and i thought i was just really sick i thought it was a stomach bug and nothing would stop it. Well during that time i started to look at the Tramadol the hydrocodone and realized that i wasn't taking what was on the pills the hydrocodone was actually neproxon and the Tramadol had more salt in it then median.
    After it was all said and done and i was better i got to wondering why they did that to me when both dr and dentist know i am not aloud to take neproxon. So i called the office last night and ask if that is what she called in for me and she said no i called in what i was supposed to and never once did i tell them to give you neproxon because i know you cant take it and i don't understand why that did that any ways what we call in is what needs to be in the bottle i said well i understand that but on the bottle it says something completely different then what was in the bottle.
    Then i got to thinking well i have lost alto of weight this year and what if he thinks that im just a pill popper?? i don't do it i only take what is given to me and that's it. And then Monday i went for my fill.............................
    Normally i am so excited about my fill and i cant wait but Monday i started crying as soon as we got there and i wouldn't go in. My lap band buddy was like what is wrong i said i dont know i just cant do this. Thank god for her she told me it would be ok and to go in so i did an i told them that i didn't know what was wrong with me. I told them what had happened at the hospital and i told them how i felt along and abandon by them they informed me that there was no reason for them to treat me like they did and that they would do anything to make it right. The er dr that took the liquid out shouldn't have done it and knew to call the on call nurse for lap band but i didn't feel much better i kinda feel like i have been done wrong buy them and my the pharmisy. I was told by my dad who i work for as a dental assistant what i felt like and what all had happen he said i needed to see my reg doctor so i did. I told him about everything i told him i couldn't stop cry but i didn't know what was wrong i have bad dreams and the fear that i felt was nuts. I also told him i didn't have time for a break down. He didn't tell me to calm down he told me he understood and that i was going to be ok i just needed to find a different pharmisy and that i needed to be on some meds just for a little bit to make me calm that i wasn't crazy and i wasn't depressed. He gave me the medication and well being myself I went to the same pharmisy and i looked him in the eyes and said if you think i have a pill problem that's fine, but my doctors don't give me meds that i don't need, and the next time you choose to give me something different because you think i have a pill problem ill turn you in. You put me in the hospital over the hydrocodone that was neproxon because i have lap band and i cant take that medication and all the doctors know that so maybe you should know that too. I told him i was going to give him this prescription and it had better be what is in that bottle. It was and it helped me through that day and now i am fine. But in a way i have a fear of trusting now about what am i really getting in the prescription bottles because clearly i cant trust what i am getting can it???????
    I am scared and should i be? I never want to scare anyone away from lap band because it changed my life for more then the better and i would get it again but im just scared right now My lap band team is awesome and none of this was really my fault or there fault. But i have learned not to trust anything even if its my prescription and not to trust what it says on the bottle its what is in the bottle that you have to look at.
  24. newlife4nekaylyn
    I have found that sometimes it really not the big things that keep you going its really the small things. My husband put up a meddle fence in our back yard but left a very small space so the kids could get through if they needed to. And when he put this fence up there was no way my fat little body was going to get through. I had looked at it many times and wondered can i get through this? And i didn't want to try because i didn't want to look like a fool trying to squeeze through such a small space. But this morning my husbands truck broke down and he needed the jumper cables from his shop in the back yard. Now we keep our back yard locked up like bank vault, and he had all the keys with him so i swallowed my pride and went for it, I thought well its early and the only person i can be a fool in front of is myself right?? So i looked at this small space for about two mins and just say oh well the worst that could happen is that i get stuck and have to call someone to cut me out right?? So as i was walking behind the trash can i thought ill just close my eyes and hope for the best and before i knew it i was through and i didn't even have to work at it. I was like OH MY I MADE IT!!!!!!!!!!! I really made it!! I even made it back through without a problem it is really a good feeling knowing that before i couldn't have made it through if my life depended on it and now i am sliding through with ease! So i am calling this my BIG win for this month!
  25. newlife4nekaylyn
    Well i Know that i haven't written anything in a long while but well its been a crazy month!! I started a new job that i love so much! And it takes up half of my day then my family takes up my other half. Any ways I got a fill on April 30th where they put 1.4cc's in and i go on liquids for two days after, the first thing that i tried to eat after my two days was chicken nuggets that usually i have to cut into small pieces and they go down good and i usually eat about four. However this time it wouldn't go down at all no matter how small the pieces where. So i gave up and eat some re fried beans instead. After about a week i realized that something was wrong i couldn't eat any kind of "real" food and i was really tired all the time and i was getting confused and i also realized that liquids where not going down right and then i got scared when i went to lunch with my dad and nothing would go down but everything would come back up just fine. At first i guess i thought that it was all in my head until i stepped on the sale and it said i had lost 10 pounds in less then a week. I was freaking out. I couldn't figure out what i had done wrong. I know that you have to eat and i thought that i was eating a lot but really i wasn't eating anything again. I also know that something in my tummy wasn't right and the only way to fix it was to call and ask. So i did and i told the RN that i couldn't keep any solid foods down and i thought it was all my fault and i thought i would be in trouble but really they just filled it a little to much so i went and they took some out and now i feel like they took to much out but i am still loosing and that is what matters right. any ways at least i go back on the fourth and i know that it wasn't something that i did and it wasn't my fault and that takes a load off my mind. But it took me two weeks to realize that something wasn't right. When i went in the new nurse was like well why did we take some out your doing really good for a month 10lbs is really good i laughed and said its been two weeks she said oh well that's not so good. Any ways that's been my life for right now. Ill write more later but right now i have to go. Have a wonderful day everyone!!!!!!!! :wub:

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