Writergirl

Awww, now I'm crying, too!! Thank you!!

Thank you!! You're going to be so excited about life again!!

It’s been 18 months since my surgery, and I am a work in progress. I recently posted about the decision to have the sleeve. See, “Down Over 140…The Decision: Fears and Tears” Now I want to write a bit about the emotional changes that I personally had to go through. Maybe some of this will ring true for you, too. As I contemplated this entry, I struggled with what to tell you, a complete stranger, about my process. Finally, I decided to be honest, so that you could know in your heart that if it’s possible for me to change, it is also possible for you. I still think about food all day, every day. I so wish I didn’t, but I have come to know that I am a food addict, and I have to treat it like an addiction. I grew up the oldest of 6 in a poor family. When I was 12, my dad left and my childhood instantly ended. Alcoholism, mental illness, chaos. That was to become my family life. At 18, my stepdad committed suicide. When I was 20 I was raped. When I was 21, I joined the Army. When I was 22, my brother committed suicide. When I was 28, my two-month old baby girl died. I struggled with anxiety attacks. I developed a life-altering auto-immune disease. There were good things, too. Love. My other beautiful daughter. My sister—who was my best friend, my soul mate, my rock--we went through everything together. Getting my college degree over a period of 20 years! Getting promoted. Writing. Photography. My home. Friends. But always, there was food…my constant companion. It never failed to nicely anesthetize me. One night, just before my surgery, I was watching a weight loss show where they were talking about how you MUST deal with the issues from your past if you are going to succeed. I don’t know why this struck such a chord this time, but I really began to think about the girl I used to be and all the fear I still carried inside me. It hit me like a tidal wave! I cried for the girl whose childhood abruptly ended at the age of 12. I cried for all that had been done to me. I cried because I had been so powerless. But then I realized with real clarity that I am no longer that powerless child! I had succeeded at everything I had truly worked for! I had a great job, and would never be dependent on anyone financially again! I had even learned to be assertive. That night, I spoke to that little girl inside me. I made a promise to her. I told her that she would never be a victim again. That she was no longer powerless. That I was going to take care of her forever. But could I do it without food? One of the best things I did for myself was to line up an appointment with a therapist for one month after my surgery. Although that person did not work out and I ultimately found a therapist who specializes in addiction, it was such a comfort to me to have a support system in place. I haven’t gone to her more than a few times, but she is an anchor for me, and I know she’s there. As I said in my previous post, my beloved sister died in my arms on December 28th. I had postponed having my knee replaced to take care of her, and I foolishly thought I’d be doing well enough by the end of February to get through it ok. Well, I wasn’t. March was one of the bleakest months of my entire life between the physical pain, drugs, bad weather, isolation, and grief. So how did I get through it? How else? I ate. Ice cream. Candy. Cookies. Let me tell you right now, you can put down a lot of calories every day in 100-calorie increments. That is why you need to know beyond a doubt that what they say is true: They operate on your stomach, not your brain. So I spent March crying and eating. And then one day, as I was sobbing to my husband about my out-of-control eating, I wailed, “The worst part is, I’m letting myself down!” “I’m letting myself down.” I could not back away from this statement. I called my therapist to discuss the grief/eating cycle. She let me off the hook, saying, “Sometimes you just have to be in survival mode.” I got off the phone and thought about that a lot and realized even though I had been given permission to eat badly, eating badly no longer felt like my authentic self. For the first time, I knew that I had truly changed. The old me believed that self care meant whatever felt good. The new me knows that self care can never equate to self destruction. The next day, all the junk food left the house. I’m still sad. But I am empowered. I am not a victim, even of myself. If you've hung in there through this long post I hope you'll leave me feedback and share your own story. In posting this, I sort of feel like I'm running down the street naked! Soon, I plan to post on some of the logistical things I've found to work for me since my surgery. More practical! Less emotional!!

I'm interested!

I went from not being able to walk to my mailbox to hiking at dawn with a backpack full of camera gear; from believing that food was my only pleasure in life to understanding that eating well is a pleasure, too; from feeling 80 at the age of 50 to feeling 40 at almost 60; from being almost unable to hold my grandchildren to getting down on the floor with them. At nearly 60 years old I am beginning a second career as a wedding photographer! No one wanted to have this surgery less than me. At 3.5 years out I'm still overweight, still consciously decide every bite that will go in my body, and still proudly think--EVERY SINGLE DAY!!--I never could have done this before! It's a journey! Hard, scary, frustrating, thrilling, and absolutely amazing!! Just do it!!

Lindsey, your beautiful sister died with dignity and grace, fighting to improve her health for herself and her family. I know you know this, and that nothing will ease this terrible, endless grief. One year ago, I lost my beautiful sister, too. A sister is a best friend in a way that no one else can ever be. I haven't been to this site for months, and I feel it is no coincidence that I came here tonight and found your post. One thing I found t his past year is that there are no support groups for those who have lost siblings! I found groups for those who had lost parents, spouses, and children, but no group for me. If you need to reach out to someone who understands, please feel free to contact me. Thank you for sharing both of your stories. What a terrible loss for you, her husband and children, and your family. Peace. Mary Lynne

Let's share some personal truths about the process here. At 9 weeks post-op, I have found one thing to be consistently true: I have to take a total no-BS approach to this process or I won't be successful in the long-term. After a very long night of thinking of my past, my present, and my future, after confronting all the habits that got me into this place, I realized that to be successful I need to be CONSTANTLY DILIGENT about sweets, Snacks, sneaks, and lies. Sweets: It's possible that sugar really was the glue that held me together through all I've been through over the years. I love sweets. I still love sweets. I think about chocolate chip Cookies for way too many moments each day. Unfortunately, it won't take too many sweets to add on hundreds of calories each day. One McDonald's cookie is 160 calories! So... my sweets... you have to go. But wait! I'm supposed to have 4 Calcium chews a day! Those are like Starbursts and make nice treats! However... this means I'm still in the habit of popping sweets all day. From now on, I'll be chewing those with my Protein drinks. It's a slippery slope from popping calcium chews to popping real candy, so the habit itself has to go. Snacks: My nutritionist gave me a meal and protein plan. Unfortunately, I have always been a huge fan of what I call "boredom grazing." Passing the fridge? Maybe there's something interesting in there! Just returned from shopping? Must be time for a snack! Going through a drive-through for a drink? A small fry order wouldn't hurt much. Sigh... If I have to avoid the whole main floor until I break this habit, I will do so. Sneaks: I'm not going to have a snack. I'm just going to have an olive. I'm done eating dinner, and I'm full, but I think I can squeeze one more bite in as I put the food away. I stuck my "to go" box in the fridge after returning from dinner, but I'll just have another bite or two before going to bed. Need I say more? Lies: Oh, boy... the lies I told myself as I got to this point. "I'll eat what I want on vacation but lose it as soon as I get back."; "This looks like about a 100 calorie serving..."; and, oh, yeah... "I'll start tomorrow." What's my current lie??? "This is about a quarter of a cup serving. Ok, I'm being really good, so I'll MEASURE that quarter of a cup... yeah, that's a quarter cup, but I'm just going to heap a couple of mashed carrots on top of that cup, because those won't really hurt." These lies hurt no one but me. If I'm going to succeed, I must demand TOTAL HONESTY from myself. So my solution is now to track every single bite of what I eat--even one measly olive--and analyze what I've done each day, to do my best at all times, to be as plan compliant as possible, and to get right back on track the moment I notice I've gone astray. I am determined to succeed. I am detetermined to change. I am determined to get my life back again. One habit at a time. Every day. Forever.

This is my third long post on my journey so far. Probably should have been a blog, but no time to keep it up! Thanks for hanging in there with me! “If you work at something with total commitment for a really long time, you will succeed.” 8th grade runner, in newspaper story. Such a simple but profound statement from a young girl who set out to change her life by running. A statement that has come to define my journey. I gauge my progress by non-weight goals. Yes, I do weigh in every morning. I do love to see the scale go down. But my real excitement comes not from the number of my weight, but from the increasing quality of my life. The time I started trying on all my clothes and ended with a totally empty walk-in closet! The first time I walked a mile in 20 years! Sitting in a seat in a plane and not touching the person next to me anywhere! The first time I felt a lump, thought it was a tumor and realized it was a bone!!! Walking out of Coldwater Creek—a store I had always longed to shop in--with a bag full of clothes! I feel like I have been let out of a cage. I am excited about life every single day. Even the hard days. Joy, empowerment, potential…these are the things that keep me on track. However, every outcome involves a journey, and there are a few essential tools that keep me focused. You’ve probably heard all these before. Even if you have, when you start doing these things yourself you’ll feel like you’ve made a terrific discovery you want to share with the world! Here, then, are my tools for success. 1. My Fitness Pal… Except for the time when my life was consumed with taking care of my dying sister, I have tracked every bite I’ve eaten almost every single day. This has been the most valuable thing I’ve ever done. Why have I stopped losing? I’ll look back over the last month or so. Oh… I see I’ve added in a couple of tablespoons of Peanut Butter a night. Could that be it? Oh… I see that a greater proportion of my daily calories is coming from carbs. Could that be it? Knowing that no one will see it but me, I am completely honest. You can download it for free for your smart phone or computer. If you don’t have one, just track somewhere! Track everything! 2. An honest assessment of my eating habits and problems… You may want to read my old post, “Sneaks, Snacks, Sweets and Lies… “ I posted this when it first began to get hard, and it seemed to resonate with a lot of people. I continue to live by this each day. 3. Protein. I HATED the protein regimen when I first started it. Now, I love to have my Protein Drink almost never miss a day. You know those delicious Starbucks Mocha-Frappes? The ones with about 500 calories? Well, I figured out that the ingredient that gives it its flavor is espresso! So now I go to Starbucks every few days and get 6 shots of espresso, straight. Into the blender goes ice, 2 shots of espresso, Water, maybe a little coffee, and chocolate Protein powder. I top it off with a little real whipped cream! 150 calories and low carb! Yum!!! I have energy for hours, and believe it or not, espresso has much less caffeine than real coffee! 4. Mostly Low carb diet: Once upon a time I craved carbs every 20 minutes or so. Now, I long for them but don’t crave them. The difference is huge. Craving: Addiction. Longing: Eh… that would be nice, but I can do without. If I eat heavy carbs, I crave them. If I begin my day with refined carbs, I want them all day. I don’t obsess about them, but I am careful about them. If I want a couple of bites of baked potato, I have it. About once a week I have a McDonald’s vanilla cone. But toast for Breakfast? Hash browns and French fries? Cookies and chips? If I eat these things for a couple of days, I feel poisoned, and I don’t lose weight. If ever I get seriously off track—and I have—for an entire month at a time, I know that to get back on track I first have to cut out the carbs. Then it gets to be easy again. I made a commitment to myself. If I was going to undergo major surgery, with all its potential risks, I was going to totally commit to the process. If I never reach my personal goal—and with as much as I have to lose, it’s possible I won’t—it won’t be because I didn’t give it my all, for as long as it takes. The last thing I want to share with you in a separate post is dealing with food addiction. Watch for it soon! Hope this helps!

I think that losing 97 pounds is amazing. Since your surgery you have lost an average of 10 pounds a month!!! One of,the problems,with a site like this is that we tend to compare ourselves with others. There are young people,with loads of bone and muscle mass who,are just going to lose so fast. I find it best to just compare myself with me. Nothing worked before, so this has been so incredible.

Sent you an email! Haven't seen your blog for awhile. You look so beautiful!

That's awesome!

I've thought about a blog but don't know that I'd have time to keep it up. I could certainly do as you suggested, though. So happy that my experience can help others, as so many have helped me. Hang in there.

Trying to get this active again as people have asked about it.

Track track track! If nothing else, please read my post on the success forum... Down over 140...tools for success. It's active now. As a very slow loser, it has saved me.

Well said! Especially the part about tracking BEFORE eating and then making different choices. I do that frequently. Congrats on your gym life!

Congratulations! That 100 mark is so huge and exciting!

Xchubba, I can't tolerate whey protein and after trial and error I found GNC soy protein to work really well. It has a really good "neutral" flavor and consistency.

Get rid of them! You are going to love and deserve new clothes!

No, I LOVE getting praise! I wear new clothes all the time just because it's so much fun to get noticed again. There are a lot worse things to be addicted to. But... I would suggest that you start looking for other successes in your life. Now that you are on a permanent lifestyle change, maybe you'll be known for your great smile or some talent you could never fully develop at your former weight! Those things never get old!

Did they talk to you about Potassium? I think it's very easy for electrolytes to get thrown out of whack when eating little and urinating a lot. I sometimes have heart palpitations and take one potassium, and it seems to get me back on track. However, too much potassium can also be a problem, so I would definitely talk to t he doctor about it.

So sorry to hear about the hard time you're having. Don't know why they want to do the bypass, but I hope it's a success for you.

I worried about this so much before my surgery, because we are very social. ,I didn't eat out much at first because it just wasn't much fun. But by the 3 month point we were eating out all the time again. I usually get what I want and have lots of leftovers, which I feel no guilt about throwing out if I don't get to it all. Often if we go to a place that has add-ons (e,g,, crab legs for $10 with an entree, or grilled shrimp). I'll get that with a side of veggies or baked potato. That usually works out well for me, although I still only eat about 2 bites of potato. Avoid bread, rice and pasta. They will swell in your stomach and hurt. Honestly, I don't left out at all. If people get an appetizer, I eat one or two tiny bites. Never dessert anymore. No room! The only thing I really miss is a big salad.

Maybe there's a little something he's been putting off getting for himself, or something special he'd like to do? Perhaps you could wrap it up (or write it as a promise in a card) and give it to him the night before your surgery. Tell him you know the next week is going to be rough for both of you, his support means the world to you, and you just wanted to make sure he knows it's not all about you,even if it feels that way for a bit. Maybe that will give him the little bit extra he needs to get through it.

MAKING THE DECISION… So far, I’m down 142 pounds. This website was so important to me that I swore I would regularly post. Well, last August my beloved sister began to die, and I spent almost every moment with her from then until she died in my arms on December 28th. She was the most beautiful, vibrant, inspiring person I’ve ever known, and someday I will just write about her journey, because it is a story definitely worth sharing. If you are curious, you can read about her at dinner, and honestly, even that had become more difficult. I was at a place where eating was interfering with my ability to eat! For months, I ate every meal like it was my last meal. I went through the motions of getting approved for the surgery, all the while believing that I would back out in the end. I searched the internet for stories that would convince me I was better off in a wheel chair. Instead, I learned about the sleeve, and found this website. Rather than tales of regret and woe, it was full of stories of success, determination, and victory. For every fear, there was a reassurance. I searched you-tube for videos of miserable people. I found happy people instead. People on a journey. But while I believed it could work for them, I didn’t think it would work for me. Nothing had EVER worked for me. I was convinced that sugar was the glue that held me together during the hard times. I worried that I would just go flat-out crazy without food to sustain me. I was terrified I would die in the surgery. I was terrified I would fail, just like I always had. I was terrified I would resent everyone around me. I was terrified I would feel left out at celebrations, and that I’d never want to entertain again. No one—I PROMISE YOU—no one, ever wanted to have this surgery less than me. On September 12, 2011, I went to see the weight loss surgeon. It took me 20 minutes to walk approximately 80 yards into the doctor’s office. I had to stop and rest twice. And then, the stats: My weight at 5’3” was 367.8. My blood pressure was 168/95. My blood sugar was 395. On all accounts, the highest numbers ever. It wasn’t the sickest I’ve ever felt, but it was what I consider to be the unhealthiest day of my life. The surgeon just looked at me and shook his head sadly. The guy who saw fat people every single day was looking at me like I was a hopeless case!!!! It was one of my worst moments ever. It took months to get approval and to be scheduled, taking me through the holidays. The night before my surgery, I was alone in the house. Without warning, I burst into tears, and I howled with fear, regret, and resolve. I cried like someone had died. The next day, I went to the hospital still uncertain as to whether or not I’d go through with it. I couldn’t believe I was actually doing it, right up until the moment they gave me happy juice. But the day after that? That day, I woke up knowing that the time for fear and regret was gone. The time for hope had arrived. That day, my new life began. Look for my next post, “The Process” in the next few days. Here's a self-portrait, taken in despair in a dressing room, before I embarked on the "farewell food tour," about 20 pounds below highest wt.

Bruised but not broken: great philosophy in your screen name! I have several books in me... Just need time to get them on paper! Ahhh, to retire....