dancingqueene

My journey is just that....it's been brewing for 41 years. My mom has suffered an eating disorder since a young adult and to this day is so thin that often times people ask if she is ill. Food was like the anti-Christ growing up. She only bought food day to day for our meals, calories were counted, and constant exerise was expeted. As a very young girl I would walk miles a day w/ my mom, play hard core sports, and I was never thin enough (for her). I would be punished if I ate somethig off her eating plan, or didn't ask before having something at a freinds house, etc. My family tells me now had they known then what they know now it would have been a cps case to some degree. Words cannot even desribe what life was like- friends didn't want to come over b/c we weren't allowed to do things that weren't controlled by her- food, play, etc. My Italian grandparents (mom's parent's) lived next door and would over feed me until i was almost sick, bc they feared I wasn't fed enough. Yes, my mom would punish me and scream at then for doing so. So, early on I learned to starve & binge and how to hide food. I was able to maintain a healty athletic figure and as I look back now I truly had an amazing body. But as I got older and lived on my own my resentment came through and I binged/purged my way through life trying to maintain a normal weight. My body is now a mess and my metabolic system is screaming for help. I have been through so many program, nutritionsts, diets, trainers etc and I've had eough. I am now ready to take on this beast and go back to the real ME! I love the outdoors, hiking, snow shoeing, dancing, etc. The past 2 years I have stopped many things I love bc I'm embarassed of how I look. I hide from the camera and only take facial selfies- even there I can see how my face has changed so drastically in just 2 yeas.
I am praying that after my next 2 weigh-ins I will be approved, I am right on the borderline b/c I have no other health issues other than arthritis in my knees. I walk 1.5 hours a day, eat healthy, etc but now it's time to look and feel better, too!! I worry that if I don't get approved I will crash and burn!