I’m Mindy. 33 years old, just married the most wonderful man in the world in May. He has saved my life in so many ways.
I do not remember a time when I wasn’t overweight. My sister, who is about 18 months older than me, was always smaller than me, a tiny thing. The beautiful cheerleader she was. I was always her younger, bigger sister, with a beautiful smile and a great personality. Even in elementary I remember my Aunt taking us school shopping and I always had problems finding clothes. I think even at that young age I was already looking in the plus size clothing. Though I look back at my pictures and I wasn’t that big. Just bigger. So I think it started then. My struggle with who I was, what I looked like, I always had great friends, not so many boyfriends and the boyfriends I did have, ended up liking my friends. Thank God for that though, I feel like all of that led me to my husband, and we were made for each other.
I want to remember these struggles, that have made me who I am today. I am a strong, successful, confident, happily married woman, who has never taken care of herself, but I feel was made better by my circumstances, and am ready to make myself healthy so I can live forever with my husband. So I’m going to write down these things that are so difficult for me now and have been all my life so I have that reminder of why I am doing this and why I can’t stop what I’ve started.
Like everyone, I’ve dieted, so much I’ve lost myself over and over again to only gain it back and more. I was healthy and athletic in high school, but still obese, and always pushed myself to the limit to play sports to be with my friends. There were times I thought I would die, but I was always happy, I thought.
I remember one of the first boys I had a crush on in the 5th grade. We had it all planned where my best friend would tell him that I liked him and see if he liked me. I remember when she told him that I liked him, his first response was “fat chance”. Really, at that age, humiliated and crushed.
Another time I remember in college. My freshman year, my best friends and I were at a frat house. I had been hanging out with this guy, a cute older guy, who was clearly not important because I now don’t even remember his name. I remember at one point leaving the room and over-hearing my best friend talk to him. He said, "if only she wasn’t fat". Crushed again.
My first job, I did well. I have always been successful at everything I’ve tried to do in my life except taking proper care of myself. One of my employees, though he was foreign and abrasive anyway, told me I would be the prettiest girl at work if I'd lose weight. It upset me so bad, that this guy felt like he should say this to me, I actually wrecked my car on my way home. I couldn’t see through my tears. At that point in my life I was actually in the best shape ever, but still fat.
I threw myself into my work, forgot about all the other important things in life and stayed happily single until just recently when I met my husband, and forgive the Bridget Jones quote but this man loves me “just the way I am”. He sees me for me and loves me unconditionally. I can’t wait to have this surgery and show him how beautiful and healthy I can be for him.
So for years these are the things I’ve have dealt with that I want to remember after the surgery to keep me motivated.
It is hard to even wipe and wash my butt. Isn’t that the most ridiculous thing.
My husband’s sister worked for me and she is the one that introduced us after me avoiding it for over a year. I remember talking about the plans for our first date, and she was asking what I was going to wear. I told her and I remember her saying, “don’t worry, there are lots of big women in my family.” I didn’t even ask about that, she just offered the comment.
I avoid airplanes because I hate hanging over into the other person’s seat and killing my stomach trying to buckle the seatbelt. One time this guy in the seat next to me had the flight attendant switch him with a skinnier lady. He said he just thought his shoulders were too broad to sit beside me. Right… at least he had the decency to not say he wasn’t comfortable sitting next to the fat lady, though he stood in the isle for about 10 min waiting for the flight attendant to find a lady to switch with him.
I won’t go to the movies. I’m just not comfortable sitting there.
I avoid at all costs, going to the zoo, though I love the zoo. It is too much walking and although I can walk it, my face turns so red and I get so winded it is just ridiculous. My considerate husband will ask me if I want to sit awhile and I think why, this is normal.
I can’t ride a bike anymore. Again, just a few feet and I’m about to have a heart attack.
We have safety fencing at work, I work with very large male pigs, and there are just metal posts that are staggered as the fence so the employees can just slip through to get out the way of the animals, instead of jumping over a gate or something. Guess who is not slipping through those posts? I had to bend a couple out just to be able to squeeze through and it is still so tight, it bruises my belly.
My belly gets in the way of me and my husband when he snuggles with me.
I try not to sit right beside my husband because I do not want him to look at me from the side and see how it doesn’t look like I have a chin or a neck.
I have avoided vacations; we haven’t taken our honeymoon yet because all of the places I want to go involve crystal clear Water, beautiful beaches and a bathing suit. I wanted to zip line through the jungle, but after searching found that there is a 300lb weight limit.
I am originally from Ohio, but have been transplanted in Michigan. Those of you who are from around here will understand when I say, I made the BIG gesture and got me and my husband matching Michigan sweatshirts to wear only when Ohio State isn’t playing Michigan…… however; mine doesn’t fit.
I didn’t want to have a real wedding because I was too embarrassed to be in a dress for a big person, and not to mention the pictures. Though what we did was small and perfect, it wasn’t the wedding every girl dreams about. I believe my father will never forgive me for not allowing him to "give me away".
I dread when I go out to eat with my boss or anyone actually because everyone wants to sit in a booth. To squeeze in and out is so embarrassing and to sit there during with my boobs resting on the table is humiliating. I'm afraid to ask for a table because it is like they all will know I am asking for a table because I am fat.
And I don’t really need to go into detail how envious I am of people who get to shop in normal people clothes. I’m young, but fat and the only thing there ever seems to be for me is clothes that look like they are for old people. So, luckily I get to wear scrubs at work, because I don’t think my everyday attire of sweatshirts and sweatpants is appropriate.
So this is where my journey begins. My husband and I were talking about one of his friends from work who had the lap band and he was just amazed at how happy this guy has become as he is losing weight. This started our conversation of how uncomfortable I am in certain situations and how controlling my weight has been. My husband didn’t know I was affected by it so greatly. He encouraged me to just think about a surgery, though it worried him, he just wants me to be healthy. I called the clinic that day and they actually had me come in that day for a consult. This was in December of 2010. I weighed in at 315, my height (I’ve shrunk, I used to be 5’9”) is 5’7” so my BMI was high enough to qualify me immediately.
My surgeon is Dr. Poplawski. He wanted me to have a sleep study. I had it back in early January and they found no sleep apnea. I just had to have a psych consult and that was all my insurance required for approval. My husband’s insurance is covering the surgery 100%. Amazing. Before him, I wouldn’t have been able to consider this financially. I had insurance, but not good like his. My Pre-admission testing was scheduled for today, but my area was hit with a huge ice storm so my tests were rescheduled for next Tuesday March 1st, 2011. My surgery is the following week on March 8th, 2011. I started taking Vitamins a few weeks ago, but the one-a-days that I had make me have projectile vomit, so I’ve found a Gummy one that I will take until they tell me to switch to something else. I gave up Mountain Dew before Christmas, and a couple weeks ago gave up Diet Pepsi. Just drinking Water and crystal lite, which the crystal lite is funny, my favorite flavor is Raspberry ice and it turns my teeth pink. I haven’t been told to change to a liquid diet but they sent me a menu that I should try to follow. So, thus far, everything has been pretty easy. We will see what they want me to do starting next week.
The only person that will know is my husband. I have struggles with telling anyone else because I just don’t want any kind of negativity or doubt in my decision. I know that I need support, but the people closest to me do know that I am making a lifestyle change and that I want to be healthy. I have bragged that I got a treadmill for valentines day so I am setting them up for big changes in my life.
I’m looking forward to my new life. I’m so excited and am glad I have found this forum to read about everyone’s experience. It has really helped solidify my decision and has answered so many of my questions. I have no doubts and each day I think of something new I can’t wait to do in my new body.
Thanks for letting me share my experience. I’m looking forward to continuing to document this journey and have a group of peers that will help me stay accountable.
