Cleo's Mom

I really, really appreciate the support of this sight. But, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, clarify before you jump all over someone! Words (especially the written word) can be misconstrued. I posted recently about a 4 week depression and doubting my decision. I mentioned eating a kids meal (portion!) and suddenly I am hanging out at McDonalds! Seriously?? I had a kids meal at Red Robin. It consisted of grilled chicken skewers with no sauce, and steamed/undressed broccoli (which I highly recommend if you are looking for a fun place to go with small/healthy options.) The drink was a diet lemonade, which I drank much later on the drive home. A perfectly health, reasonable choice. I was depressed because I was only able to eat about a third of it! Other restaurants have kids meals! Albeit, most consist of mac 'n cheese and hotdogs, but not all restaurants. I am trying very hard to go places with my family and not screwing up. These comments, however well meaning their intent, have really upset me, and I am seriously thinking of "checking out" of this site.

Sadly, the truth is that I can no longer come to this site without seeing at least one rude/judgmental/accusatory/unsupportive/antagonistic/snarky/overly (overly overly overly) defensive/snobby reply to at least one thread where someone was struggling and/or genuinely looking for help and support. I've never been the target of these replies, but if I were, I'd feel like I was being attacked/written off/judged/etc. with no good reason.
There is still a lot of good info/support here, and it's a wonderful place for pre-op questions, but unless you're looking for your own personal drill sergeant it's not the most kind/caring/information sharing type of "support group" that I'd wager most people are looking for.
This post is basically saying that to people who don't like the drill sergeant method: "There's something intrinsically wrong with you and you're not ready for weight loss surgery anyway and you need to seek psychological help, you whiny, whiny baby."
Well I'm sorry, but I take issue with that. First of all who are you to tell someone they're ready or not? Based on some arbitrary make-believe guidelines that have zero to do with WLS. What does one thing have to do with the other? (PROTIP: That was a rhetorical question. The answer is "nothing at all.") Also, this ENTIRE thread is a whiny reaction to something "someone that you don't know" posted on a message board. Isn't that a little hypocritical? (Also rhetorical!)
This is basically how I feel about the whole thing. I'm no wilting flower, so I can take the tough stuff (and spit it right back out) and be no worse for the wear. Some people are far more sensitive and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. But if anyone is free to come here and dish out "tough love" then the people who are defending the "tough love" approach need to also recognize that people might, just MAYBE, publicly complain about it. You're putting yourself out there on the internet, not everybody is going to like what you have to say. It doesn't mean they're "universally defining" you or whatever you say, but it does mean that each of us gets to define our reactions to it for ourselves, whether publicly, or privately. So, my advice is: deal with it and stop complaining that not everybody likes every little thing you say.

Bullies abound in the anonymity of the internet. There are cases where those bullied online have committed suicide.
Bullies should not be tolerated on here. Those on here all suffer/suffered from obesity. They know all about face to face ugly, rude and insensitive comments. They have no more reason to accept them on here than they did in person.
The fact that they call out those bullies on here who are rude, harsh, insensitive or just plain mean does not make them "thin skinned" or "weak minded". I don't recall anyone saying they were "absolutely devastated" or went into "an uncontrollable bout of depression" over comments on here.
And if a person is hurt and upset by a remark that does not disqualify them from seeking WLS. That's called being human.
Don't hide behind the anonymity of your hurtful remarks and then blame the person they were aimed at. How hard is it to give your advice in a nice way? Apparently hard for some. Don't forget where you came from. You weren't a perfect person before WLS and you certainly aren't the perfect post-surgical person either.

This is supposed to be a forum where you get information, tell you stories of success (or failures) and get support. People who are struggling are looking for support and some good suggestions to help them. There is absolutely NO GOOD REASON to do that in any way but a nice, polite, supportive way.
The whole thing about "free speech" is just an excuse for some to be rude.
Yes, anyone has the right to be on here and voice their opinion and anyone else has the right to call them out on being rude.
It reminds me of blaming the victim (in this case calling them thin skinned) - remember all the fat jokes that we were supposed to laugh at because if we didn't then we "couldn't take a joke"?
I call it like I see it and rude is rude. Don't try to dress it up as tough love or blame the person it is directed at.

I try to govern my speech by keeping my reader in mind. I have no idea how the person who is reading this feels or in what state of mind they are in. Do I really want my words to hurt someone or come across as bullying? This is not a "free speech" issue in my mind. IMO this is a kindness and sensitivity issue. You can be honest and forthright without being unkind. I have also found that people usually respond more positively and respect people who are kind to them.

Like the judge who was asked to define pornography said - "I'll know it when I see it".
Same goes here. I'll know a rude comment when I see it and obviously the person(s) who complain about them do too. People who make them can continue ad infinitum, ad nauseum to try to defend them with all kinds of excuses about using back buttons, staying off here, freedom of speech and blaming the victim.
Notice how no one has to defend nice, helpful, supportive comments? That speaks volumes.

Bullies abound in the anonymity of the internet. There are cases where those bullied online have committed suicide.
Bullies should not be tolerated on here. Those on here all suffer/suffered from obesity. They know all about face to face ugly, rude and insensitive comments. They have no more reason to accept them on here than they did in person.
The fact that they call out those bullies on here who are rude, harsh, insensitive or just plain mean does not make them "thin skinned" or "weak minded". I don't recall anyone saying they were "absolutely devastated" or went into "an uncontrollable bout of depression" over comments on here.
And if a person is hurt and upset by a remark that does not disqualify them from seeking WLS. That's called being human.
Don't hide behind the anonymity of your hurtful remarks and then blame the person they were aimed at. How hard is it to give your advice in a nice way? Apparently hard for some. Don't forget where you came from. You weren't a perfect person before WLS and you certainly aren't the perfect post-surgical person either.

This is supposed to be a forum where you get information, tell you stories of success (or failures) and get support. People who are struggling are looking for support and some good suggestions to help them. There is absolutely NO GOOD REASON to do that in any way but a nice, polite, supportive way.
The whole thing about "free speech" is just an excuse for some to be rude.
Yes, anyone has the right to be on here and voice their opinion and anyone else has the right to call them out on being rude.
It reminds me of blaming the victim (in this case calling them thin skinned) - remember all the fat jokes that we were supposed to laugh at because if we didn't then we "couldn't take a joke"?
I call it like I see it and rude is rude. Don't try to dress it up as tough love or blame the person it is directed at.

Bullies abound in the anonymity of the internet. There are cases where those bullied online have committed suicide.
Bullies should not be tolerated on here. Those on here all suffer/suffered from obesity. They know all about face to face ugly, rude and insensitive comments. They have no more reason to accept them on here than they did in person.
The fact that they call out those bullies on here who are rude, harsh, insensitive or just plain mean does not make them "thin skinned" or "weak minded". I don't recall anyone saying they were "absolutely devastated" or went into "an uncontrollable bout of depression" over comments on here.
And if a person is hurt and upset by a remark that does not disqualify them from seeking WLS. That's called being human.
Don't hide behind the anonymity of your hurtful remarks and then blame the person they were aimed at. How hard is it to give your advice in a nice way? Apparently hard for some. Don't forget where you came from. You weren't a perfect person before WLS and you certainly aren't the perfect post-surgical person either.

This is supposed to be a forum where you get information, tell you stories of success (or failures) and get support. People who are struggling are looking for support and some good suggestions to help them. There is absolutely NO GOOD REASON to do that in any way but a nice, polite, supportive way.
The whole thing about "free speech" is just an excuse for some to be rude.
Yes, anyone has the right to be on here and voice their opinion and anyone else has the right to call them out on being rude.
It reminds me of blaming the victim (in this case calling them thin skinned) - remember all the fat jokes that we were supposed to laugh at because if we didn't then we "couldn't take a joke"?
I call it like I see it and rude is rude. Don't try to dress it up as tough love or blame the person it is directed at.

While this is a public support forum I would and i'm sure we all would appreciate constructive criticism not criticism for arguments sake. I feel for the OP who came and posted and was made to feel the way she has. Its very unfair to make assumptions, please ask if you are unsure of what the OP means etc.
We all have different journeys, not everyone has been educated about the specific operations each of us have had. Some people have had amazing amount of education about the sleeve pre op, but some like me have not had all that much and are still learning and taking it one day at a time and trying to read as much about it on this site as there is amazing information on here and amazing support. Whenever something new arises we come to see if someone else has gone through what we are going through and hopefully guide us through our issues etc.
I ask for everyone to be patient with one another, please
wishing you all every success with your weight loss journeys xox

I don't normally participate in any online forums because of the bad behavior that I have witnessed. i joined this one for support and have enjoyed the support and many of the posts.
For the most part, people on here are interesting and have good feedback. For the ones that don't I consider that maybe they just weren't raised right and ignore it.

Bullies abound in the anonymity of the internet. There are cases where those bullied online have committed suicide.
Bullies should not be tolerated on here. Those on here all suffer/suffered from obesity. They know all about face to face ugly, rude and insensitive comments. They have no more reason to accept them on here than they did in person.
The fact that they call out those bullies on here who are rude, harsh, insensitive or just plain mean does not make them "thin skinned" or "weak minded". I don't recall anyone saying they were "absolutely devastated" or went into "an uncontrollable bout of depression" over comments on here.
And if a person is hurt and upset by a remark that does not disqualify them from seeking WLS. That's called being human.
Don't hide behind the anonymity of your hurtful remarks and then blame the person they were aimed at. How hard is it to give your advice in a nice way? Apparently hard for some. Don't forget where you came from. You weren't a perfect person before WLS and you certainly aren't the perfect post-surgical person either.

Bullies abound in the anonymity of the internet. There are cases where those bullied online have committed suicide.
Bullies should not be tolerated on here. Those on here all suffer/suffered from obesity. They know all about face to face ugly, rude and insensitive comments. They have no more reason to accept them on here than they did in person.
The fact that they call out those bullies on here who are rude, harsh, insensitive or just plain mean does not make them "thin skinned" or "weak minded". I don't recall anyone saying they were "absolutely devastated" or went into "an uncontrollable bout of depression" over comments on here.
And if a person is hurt and upset by a remark that does not disqualify them from seeking WLS. That's called being human.
Don't hide behind the anonymity of your hurtful remarks and then blame the person they were aimed at. How hard is it to give your advice in a nice way? Apparently hard for some. Don't forget where you came from. You weren't a perfect person before WLS and you certainly aren't the perfect post-surgical person either.

Why is basic courteousness lacking online? Yes, I admit I have been in a few escalated discussions online but usually it was from a misdirected try at humor that didn't come across the internet or to someone who just wanted to inflict themselves on the world and I caved and I let them under my skin. We are in a forum to try to help each other. Being mean or judgmental won't help if you are newly healthy or looking for help to get there.

Quoting myself to address your ad hominum tactic, it's clear you missed it above even though I basically laid it out in a bullet point.
This isn't reddit. This isn't yahoo answers. This isn't 4chan. So I'm going to stick with compassion. You want snark, you want rudeness, you'll have to find that from me on a different corner of the internet. On support forums I provide support. The harshness I gave you after your OP was deliberate, and was as harsh as I'll get on here (except maybe when we are talking about Penny). You can provide whatever level of discourse you like, just don't fool yourself when you do it. Text or in person, mean is mean. If that's what you think people need, have at it. My posts will stand to let them know that support is out there. Feel free to reply, but I'm done, repeating myself isn't going to change your mind, and vice versa.

This is supposed to be a forum where you get information, tell you stories of success (or failures) and get support. People who are struggling are looking for support and some good suggestions to help them. There is absolutely NO GOOD REASON to do that in any way but a nice, polite, supportive way.
The whole thing about "free speech" is just an excuse for some to be rude.
Yes, anyone has the right to be on here and voice their opinion and anyone else has the right to call them out on being rude.
It reminds me of blaming the victim (in this case calling them thin skinned) - remember all the fat jokes that we were supposed to laugh at because if we didn't then we "couldn't take a joke"?
I call it like I see it and rude is rude. Don't try to dress it up as tough love or blame the person it is directed at.

Most people who post on here are nice, supportive and offer practical and helpful suggestions when someone is struggling with something. Once in awhile there are those who are very judgmental and have an almost superior attitude if you stray from what they think is the set in stone guidelines. They tend to forget where they came from. If they had WLS then they too had a lot of problems. I doubt any one of them was the perfect post-surgery patient.

This is supposed to be a forum where you get information, tell you stories of success (or failures) and get support. People who are struggling are looking for support and some good suggestions to help them. There is absolutely NO GOOD REASON to do that in any way but a nice, polite, supportive way.
The whole thing about "free speech" is just an excuse for some to be rude.
Yes, anyone has the right to be on here and voice their opinion and anyone else has the right to call them out on being rude.
It reminds me of blaming the victim (in this case calling them thin skinned) - remember all the fat jokes that we were supposed to laugh at because if we didn't then we "couldn't take a joke"?
I call it like I see it and rude is rude. Don't try to dress it up as tough love or blame the person it is directed at.

This is supposed to be a forum where you get information, tell you stories of success (or failures) and get support. People who are struggling are looking for support and some good suggestions to help them. There is absolutely NO GOOD REASON to do that in any way but a nice, polite, supportive way.
The whole thing about "free speech" is just an excuse for some to be rude.
Yes, anyone has the right to be on here and voice their opinion and anyone else has the right to call them out on being rude.
It reminds me of blaming the victim (in this case calling them thin skinned) - remember all the fat jokes that we were supposed to laugh at because if we didn't then we "couldn't take a joke"?
I call it like I see it and rude is rude. Don't try to dress it up as tough love or blame the person it is directed at.

This is supposed to be a forum where you get information, tell you stories of success (or failures) and get support. People who are struggling are looking for support and some good suggestions to help them. There is absolutely NO GOOD REASON to do that in any way but a nice, polite, supportive way.
The whole thing about "free speech" is just an excuse for some to be rude.
Yes, anyone has the right to be on here and voice their opinion and anyone else has the right to call them out on being rude.
It reminds me of blaming the victim (in this case calling them thin skinned) - remember all the fat jokes that we were supposed to laugh at because if we didn't then we "couldn't take a joke"?
I call it like I see it and rude is rude. Don't try to dress it up as tough love or blame the person it is directed at.

This is supposed to be a forum where you get information, tell you stories of success (or failures) and get support. People who are struggling are looking for support and some good suggestions to help them. There is absolutely NO GOOD REASON to do that in any way but a nice, polite, supportive way.
The whole thing about "free speech" is just an excuse for some to be rude.
Yes, anyone has the right to be on here and voice their opinion and anyone else has the right to call them out on being rude.
It reminds me of blaming the victim (in this case calling them thin skinned) - remember all the fat jokes that we were supposed to laugh at because if we didn't then we "couldn't take a joke"?
I call it like I see it and rude is rude. Don't try to dress it up as tough love or blame the person it is directed at.

This is supposed to be a forum where you get information, tell you stories of success (or failures) and get support. People who are struggling are looking for support and some good suggestions to help them. There is absolutely NO GOOD REASON to do that in any way but a nice, polite, supportive way.
The whole thing about "free speech" is just an excuse for some to be rude.
Yes, anyone has the right to be on here and voice their opinion and anyone else has the right to call them out on being rude.
It reminds me of blaming the victim (in this case calling them thin skinned) - remember all the fat jokes that we were supposed to laugh at because if we didn't then we "couldn't take a joke"?
I call it like I see it and rude is rude. Don't try to dress it up as tough love or blame the person it is directed at.

1. This is exactly the place for someone who is experiencing temporary difficulties coping - I don't think it has anything to do with being thin skinned. It's experiencing a major life change, and a bariatric support board is exactly where they should be able to find help. I'm not saying that everyone should be uncritical all the time, that is just pandering and is not helpful. I'm saying that there is no need to be cruel.
2. I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis the very day I started grad school. After 8 years, my symptoms were too severe to continue working. It would have been unfair to my patients to let my disability interfere with their care. I am still qualified as a therapist, I just voluntarily left the field because I was struggling under the weight of my MS symptoms.

It has nothing to do with weakness. Depression is a physiological phenomenon, a biochemical mechanism that can be stirred up by huge life change and/or major trauma. It doesn't make sense, it's not always rational, and that's because ration is not a feature of the brain structures that control emotion. They operate independently of our rational mind. When someone's mind is already off kilter due to major life changes and maladaptive biochemical processes, something a simple as a post on a website really can be a kick in the teeth. That's because the mind is already reeling from these changes. It can take time for a person to get sorted out, to mentally get back on their feet to the point that they can just dismiss ridiculous comments on the web. We're all human, and so we are all vulnerable, we can all be stressed when someone, even a stranger on the internet, pushes on our weak spots or kicks us when we are down.
Frankly, in this day and age, with the widespread knowledge of depression and its causes, I'm shocked that you don't know all of this. I used to be a therapist, and most of my patients had at least some basic knowledge like this before they even sought out care.
I hope your post doesn't scare off people who are, however temporarily, in a dark place, and are sensitive to comments, on the internet or otherwise. It is absolutely normal to feel the way they do and experience sensitivity to the opinions of others. I mean, the opinions of others are exactly why we are all here!