A journal entry from August.....A flashback from the begining.

I'm sure this is something you have either heard before or have experienced. I am scared of getting banded. Not the surgery or the change in lifestyle, but....what if I don't succeed? Am I hiding behind my limitations and once I have this there is nothing to hide behind? I have lost weight and gained weight and lost it again and found it plus some. I know how to lose weight. I am looking for the tool to help me make this a change of LIFE.

I am thinking that I don't want to tell anyone about it. I don't want people to say, "Yeah, she had surgery. She HAD to have surgery." I think part of it is that I am embarrased to admit that my weight has started to impact my everyday life. From the rare airplane ride that I have started to dread because of the seats and the seatbelts to the

difficulty with intimacy with my wonderful sexy husband because I feel too self conscious about myself.

I don't want my kids to know. I guess I feel that I have failed on my own and I need help. A lot of help. I feel like a failure.

Oh please don't be mad at me. I don't feel like everyone that has surgery is a failure. In fact I have been very excited since I made the decision to take this big step. I guess it is the ups and downs

of feeling crappy about myself. I recently got together with my sisters and I was the biggest one. Three of us have always been big, but this time I was the grossest. I have been looking at pictures

today. At 5'4" and 275lbs of course I look bad. Sometimes you just don't know until you have to look at it. I dress professionally everyday for work, but I can't even cross my legs. I don't feel comfortable just sitting in a chair unles I have a table in front of me to lean on and hide behind. I do feel that some people are less than welcoming to me because of my weight. I want to change that. I

want to be able to cross my legs. I want to be able to enjoy traveling because the seats are comfortable. I want to put on clothes and feel good. I want to wear a size 16 or less. How sad it that? I

want to wear a size 16. People who wear a size 16 hate that size and feel too big. About 8 years ago I have a thyroid disease and lost weight. I weighed 170 lbs. I desparately want to feel that way again.

I want my husband to want to be with me because he finds my sexy, not just because he loves me. (Wow. How many women say just the opposite!) I want my kids to be proud of me. I want to WANT to be in pictures.

I want this surgery more than anything right now. I want to be proud. I want to be healthy. I want to love what I see in pictures.

Well, I had the surgery at the end of October. I have made this a LIFE change so far. I haven't told anyone really except my doc, my hubby and a friend.

Intimacy is SO MUCH BETTER!!!:thumbup: I look forward to flying in April for business because I don't worry about the seats and seatbelts. I think I am now the SMALLEST sister although I won't see any of them until I visit them this summer and they don't know yet.

I just bought a size 16 pants and I can cross my leggs and frequently do sitting at my desk at work.

I love my band. His name is Band Jovi!:tt1:

Congrats! ...........lol band jovi.........thats cute.

Best of luck to u!

yoco28

'Band Jovi' LOL!!! (I've already named mine and don't have it yet.) What a difference 6 months can make! -BG

Oh I love that name. Iam a huge fan and never miss a concert or a Philly Soul game.

I had the Realize Band put in four days ago. I have to say your intial journal entry is exactly how I feel. I know I shouldn't feel like I am a failure because I couldn't do this on my own. My health was being affected by my lifestyle so I was ready for a change. It took me a year to get approved but I am now on my way to a new life. My twin had the lapband done last year and she has lost 90 pounds. I am excited for what is to come!!

I LOVE THAT NAME! I'm a huge fan. Never miss a concert or a Philly Soul Game. Had to let you know there ar lots of Band Jovi's out here. Keep up the good work.

This journal has touched my heart the most. I understand how u feel. I didn't want to tell anyone because what if I gained the weight back later. (Then I really would be a failer) What if I don't lose as fast as the other person and people look at me and think Im losing to slow and being lazy. I have all those thoughts and more. Some people at work know...because I have a coworker that just gotten banded. And another co worker that's gonna get banded. That made me feel better because I see Im not alone. Don't ever think u r a failure. U have done great!!!

Oh and by the way.....come up with a cute name for my band. I just brought GPS navaigter and I name her Ge-ge. (I'm tired of getting lost) So i think that is sooooo cute the way u name your band.

Hi JulieAnn,

U just described my situation in this post.. I feeling sooo loww.. I am a Postgraduate in HR and Marketing and i don't have a job.. I feel ashamed of myself.. I am sooo fatt.. I am not at all motivated to go on lookout for a job.. When i go for interviews, i see other ladies who are skinny and attaractive and i think to myself that i lost it.. Thou i am far better qualified than them all.. I am not yet banded.. I want to do it.. Ur blog really motivated me and pls pray for me as i have my consultation with the sugeon 2morrow.. I hope he gives me a green signal and fixes the date for my surgery.. Thanxx oce agin Julie Ann for inspiring people like us