wednesday, 5-9-07

Well I made it through with out the brownies yesterday, but I did eat to much last nite. Why is it when you are eating to much and you know it,but you don't stop. Why can't I stop myself. When I get done I feel bad. Why do I want to feel bad. Do I believe down deep somewhere that I don't deserve to be thin. I don't want to be really thin, just would like to be able to wear clothes off the rack say size 12 or 10. Can't remember every wearing size 10. I remember in high school wearing size 14. Just I have always been big, not fat, just big. It caught up with me when I got married. I became less active. I was raised on a farm and I always had to help with the cows and gardening, things like that. After I got married we move to topeka, ks and I lived in town. Started having kids and the weight just came on. I remember going to weight watchers when I only weighted 164 lbs. I thought that was horrible to weight 164, I would love to be that small again. I weighed in today at 279. I want to lose like so many other are on this web site. I guess I will lose slow. I just have accept that, and not get down on myself. I have to figure out what to do in the evening, which is the hardest part for me. That is the time I really can get out of control and mess up the whole day. I have to start each day like its the first day of my diet or may I should say my life style change. I know I'm not eating nearly what I was before the band, so I assumed that I would lose faster. Guess I should just be glad that I have not gained more. If I didn't have the band no telling where I would be now. I could be at 315,320 lbls more by now. Count my blesssings.