7-8-09

I have not posted on my blog for serveral months now. I keep thinking things will change and I will start to lose. I'm so disappointed in myself. I know the band rules about junk foods, so now I'm trying not to have any in the house. I think that has helped me some, but I want to be thin. Thin is my dream these days. My life is all about food and what I can eat and what I cant eat. Sometimes I find myself hungry, but nothing sounds good anymore. Some of the things I want to eat I know will not go down so I just don't eat. Maybe one of these days it will all come together in my head and I will finally get my act together and just do this.

I know I'm fighting myself , but I still don't completely know why. I know that my personal life has a lot to do with it and I don't think that will change anytime soon. I wish I was a stronger person and maybe I wouldn't let things get to me.

My biggest fear is that I will die fat, or that no one will love me because I'm so fat. I sometimes feel as if my family is ashamed of me and really don't want to be seen with me. I went to the baseball game a couple of weeks ago and I was afraid I wouldn't fit in the seats. It was tight and I had bruises on my hips for the next week. Why isn't that a wake up call for me? Why don't I do something about it? I just don't understand myself. I can't blame anyone but myself for my failure. I know I have to be in control, but right now I'm way out of control.