I posted this on my blog, but I thought it might be important to share here because I am sure I am not the only one who is experiencing this:

I know I've been raking on DH a bit here, and usually he's a decent guy, but I don't know exactly what's happening here lately. It's either time for a sit-down or to really get this before a counselor to make it a bit more neutral because, frankly, I don't believe he'll see what he's doing.

Since the "coming to Jesus" talk we had (okay, I had with him) a couple weeks ago, on more than one occasion he has made some bizarre comment when I've complimented him after making dinner. I'll say, "Oh, the chicken was good," and he'll reply, "Nah, it's okay. It's just food." The first time I asked what he was talking about and he said he needed to look at food as just sustenance and nothing else. Um, that's NOT what I said. What I said was that he lives to eat and makes everything about the food.

So that's been going on a few times since that day.

Tonight I said that he needs to stop it, to which he replied that he was only being supportive. I said no, what I feel like he's being is mocking, like he really doesn't get this whole thing I'm going through. I said that it's not bad to enjoy what we eat, it's just that he was so consumed with the act of eating that it was wharped. I said that I wished he was as into me as he is into food, and he thought I was being silly. Uh-huh... *eye roll*

Another thing that just started on Friday is that I'm getting a blow-by-blow synopsis of the weight HE has lost by virtually doing nothing. I'm exercising four days a week and eating good meals, every meal, and he's lost over 20 freakin pounds by just not eating all the junk after dinner -- in front of me. And again, he attributes it to "supporting me" -- almost like, "Look how I'm suffering for you because I'm losing weight too." Okay, he's lost almost as much as I have, and now I feel like he's crowing about it (his weight has NEVER been discussed before).

The problem with DH is, even if I try to discuss it with him, he is totally lacking in personality or person skills (read: he's very immature). He is not always good with other people, and he seems to lack the ability to understand anything or anyone beyond the end of his nose. Compassion is virtually nil. As Jennifer Aniston would say, there's a sensitivity chip missing sometimes. So when you explain something to him that he's doing, he only knows how to deny. Comprehension doesn't seem to be his strong suit -- especially when it comes from me, unfortunately.

I always knew he was going to be the hardest part of this journey, but I guess I never realized just how hard. In the past when I was just dieting, he eventually got his way and we'd start back to eating out again, leading to my weight gain. I'm not blaming him, per se, but still -- if I was doing this only own, I'd have done lost it by now, I feel. But now it's as if he's pulling out all the stops. I dunno, maybe I'm just being sensitive or reading more into it than I should, but I'm not even three months into my journey and we've already had waaaay too many conversations over this.

I think that's why I spend so much time on LBT and here -- because these are the places I get support, these are the people that understand what I'm going through. I find it sad that I can get that from people I've never met, yet a man I've known 17 years is either so self-absorbed or so clueless that he doesn't get it.

BethfromVA sounds like a real battle axe. I bet her DH is scared to death and has to walk on egg shells. He is on a double edged sword here. When he tries to be supportive by losing weight you think he is mocking. When he doesnt want to get involved you rip him for that too. The guy can't win. You need to look at you and fix you before you can fix your DH. Just my opinion.

And you sound like a window licking bottle squatter. Thank you for your "opinion."

Fair enough.

I just wanted to point out that sometimes the lapband journey can be harder for the spouse than people realize.

I know I was on liquids the other day after my fill and I had to go home to make dinner for my husband. I asked him to just take our son out to eat and he insisted that he wanted me to make something. At first I was upset and then I had to remember that being a mom and wife was my job and I had to make dinner. I just hate making food I can not eat, but I have adjusted and it has gotten easier.

Good luck in your journey.

You took this journey not your DH. So wishing he would stop is not fair to him. You can not expect them to stop living their lives. You have to keep being strong willed and say no i will not eat that. Stay strong and keep doing the right things and your band will be a success.

What is it that some of you troglodytes don't understand?? Nobody said the spouse can't have their life, but when they're bringing home danish and candy for the banded spouse, you seem to think that is okay and shame on the banded one for "interfering" with the other spouses life!

Good lord, I never realized there was such stupidity in some of you people, but I never fail to be surprised at the depth of it.

Fair enough.

I just wanted to point out that sometimes the lapband journey can be harder for the spouse than people realize.

I know I was on liquids the other day after my fill and I had to go home to make dinner for my husband. I asked him to just take our son out to eat and he insisted that he wanted me to make something. At first I was upset and then I had to remember that being a mom and wife was my job and I had to make dinner. I just hate making food I can not eat, but I have adjusted and it has gotten easier.

Good luck in your journey.

Yes, but sometimes being a husband and father means that you do what may be right for your spouse sometimes too. I'd have told him to find the car keys himself or open the fridge. But I suppose that's the battle axe in me. :smile:

I didn't call you a battle axe. That was one of the attack dogs.

No, my husband is military and has been working 12 hour days, he just didn't feel like leaving the house. I was just trying to be lazy because I am at the point now where it doesn't bother me to make food that I will not eat. He knows it and I know it.

In the beginning it would bother the heck out of me, but I just put my willpower to work. Now it is a non-issue.

You will get there it is just really something you have to work through, and then it will become habit.

I didn't call you a battle axe. That was one of the attack dogs.

No, my husband is military and has been working 12 hour days, he just didn't feel like leaving the house. I was just trying to be lazy because I am at the point now where it doesn't bother me to make food that I will not eat. He knows it and I know it.

In the beginning it would bother the heck out of me, but I just put my willpower to work. Now it is a non-issue.

You will get there it is just really something you have to work through, and then it will become habit.

I know you didn't, sorry. That was for one of our resident trolls. :smile:

I know I will eventually get to where my willpower wins out. It's been happening even now, but I am just trying to be careful because I know MY weaknesses.

found it!:smile:

so beth, i don't have many pearls of wisdom for you - other than continue fixing you, that's all you have control over anyway....don't let any distraction get in your way.

i'd be willing to bet the minute you no longer talk about food/support/etc. you might find him opening up more.

i went into the banding journey w/my husband - we got fat together & decided to get fit along side each other as well. now we weigh what we did when we got married & i really couldn't imagine not doing it together. even still, i immediately started working out w/trainer & such - and he wasn't all that hip to the idea.....till he realized i was gone early wkend mornings & he didn't like being left out. he now joins me. give DH a chance to wrap his head about your journey....

I guess all I can say is that everyone is different. Men and women are certainly different, their needs differ and they use different means of communication. If you are both foodies, and in different stages of trying to address it by different means . . . it will mean different things to you both depending on where you are in your journey.

Some people can lose weight with less intervention than others, but how can any of us really know how difficult it is for another person. Where he is in his own journey and at what stage he is ready to commit, or not commit, to a different lifestyle probably affects the way he supports you in yours. If he is not really ready to change his lifestyle, it might be a little difficult for him when you are changing yours.

I think the key is communicating about needs, both yours and his. Women are more naturally into communicating about feelings, men not so much. It doesn't mean that you can't find a way to be more supportive for each other given the differences.

Does he sound aggravating and insensitive in his lack of support from the first post, sure. Do you have to draw a map with a crayon . . . possibly because some men don't take hints or suggestions, they need direct communication (women can be the same way on occasion). Would he shed a whole different spin on this situation if we got his side of the story . . . most definitely because it is always that way.

Talking it out may be the best way of getting what you both need from each other and finding a way to gain common ground to understanding both positions. Counseling always helps, but open direct communication amongst yourselves is always the first step.

I think the key is communicating about needs, both yours and his.

ok - very good point i forgot.

dh and i made a pact that if i didn't make my feelings/point KNOWN to him - the problem didn't exist. i couldn't expect him to be a mind reader or guess at my feelings.

i think now he's sorry about that suggestion because i shut up about NOTHING now:tongue:

found it!:smile:

so beth, i don't have many pearls of wisdom for you - other than continue fixing you, that's all you have control over anyway....don't let any distraction get in your way.

i'd be willing to bet the minute you no longer talk about food/support/etc. you might find him opening up more.

i went into the banding journey w/my husband - we got fat together & decided to get fit along side each other as well. now we weigh what we did when we got married & i really couldn't imagine not doing it together. even still, i immediately started working out w/trainer & such - and he wasn't all that hip to the idea.....till he realized i was gone early wkend mornings & he didn't like being left out. he now joins me. give DH a chance to wrap his head about your journey....

I'm sure he'll eventually come around. And to boot, I have to keep standing firm. I know he wants me to be healthy and happy but probably didn't think about what that would mean for him when it happened.

luluc and heathero always have the best things to say. very insightful and I love reading their posts. very well said. as far as bethfromva...good luck to ya.

ok - very good point i forgot.

dh and i made a pact that if i didn't make my feelings/point KNOWN to him - the problem didn't exist. i couldn't expect him to be a mind reader or guess at my feelings.

i think now he's sorry about that suggestion because i shut up about NOTHING now:tongue:

LOL, Lulu, you crack me up!

I certainly don't have a problem communicating. He just has a different idea of what can be done than I do. I was pretty mad about this last exchange and need to collect my thoughts so as not to attack him with how I feel so that he can receive what I have to say.

It's just frustrating, and I vent online about it. We don't fight often at all (especially for being married as long as we have been), but we are on totally separate planets on this issue.

He used to be fat as a kid until halfway through college. I was thin until my mid- to late-20's. He still uses food as an emotional crutch, but it doesn't affect him the way it does me. I am learning to NOT use food as an emotional crutch, which is hard right now because this conflict is getting me emotional. :smile:

luluc and heathero always have the best things to say. very insightful and I love reading their posts. very well said. as far as bethfromva...good luck to ya.

Thanks, ksill, and yes, they do. I love their input. That's why I <heart> this place. :smile:

Beth,

I am coming at this from a couple perspectives. First, my DH is a FREAKING RAIL that can eat a HORSE and manage to maintain his 145 pounds on his 6'5" figure (if that's what you like to call it). His relationship with food is: if it stops moving, he will eat it, and he HAS TO EAT IT because he's hungry all the time. We go out to dinner, and he's going through the drive-through after dinner cause he's still hungry. This relationship with food he has, was perfect for me pre-band because I was hungry all of the time too. But, when I ate that extra dessert, it instantly became glued to my fat thighs. My relationship with food has changed dramatically. I don't think about it much, and when I do, I think I want the GOOD stuff. I am very picky about what I eat now. I want the good stuff. When we go out, I want to eat GOOD food, not waste my tiny stomach on a $1 burger. We eat better now. I plan the foods, I cook, I pick where we go. DH figures he's along for the ride, and as long as he's eating, he doesn't care. He brings home the crap food. The danishes, the cupcakes, etc. I am to the sweet spot now, and that doesn't tempt me. He thinks I look hot and knows he could put a costco carrot cake in front of me (the best cake in the WORLD, and it has all of the major food groups too!), and it does not bother me. I'll take a nibble, but he'd better find a big group of people to eat it, or else it will go to waste. I exercise, he doesn't. I don't care. Whatever. I figure as PP's have said, he'll come around. He likes to hang out with me, and doesn't want to be left at home alone.

The second perspective I have, is from a couple whom I am very close to. The woman is having gastric bypass, and the man is not. They are both VERY overweight. She has not demonstrated compliance with her pre-op diet and has gained. This has put her surgery on hold. This is very worrisome for the man, who wants her to succeed, but wants to see long term viability for the surgery. She plays stupid and says she doesn't know HOW she gained the weight. Then, he requests for her to wait 2 months to have her surgery so that he can take the appropriate time off work to care for her and their children and she thinks he is being selfish for making her wait. He is trying to be supportive to her, but she's getting all diva on him, blaming him for lack of support. Their whole relationship is based on FOOD right now. I am SCARED for their relationship, and to see what happens when she does have this surgery. I mean, he's still going to have his food issues, and she's going to have different food issues. It is a big mess for them, I can feel it. The whole dynamic of the relationship will change. And I am not sure it will be for the better.

Now, I told you these stories NOT so that you draw parallels to your situation from these. I was giving you background so you can see where I get MY perspective from. Your husband is going to take time to get where he needs to be. And his relationship with food is different. And it will continue to be. So, realize this is going to play a part in the relationship and always will. Your relationship will have to be redefined. Work on finding something else to bond over that is not food or diet or health related. And, if he wants to go out to dinner, go.... and have fun. Just enjoy the control the band gives you. I am a total foodie, even MORESO after the band. I LOVE GOOD FOOD. And I love going out to eat. I just make different choices now, and always have a doggie bag to take home. You're still new in this journey. Keep the lines of communication with your husband open, and know that a lot of things will work themselves out. You are in the process of changing, not just on the outside, but on the inside too. So while you're changing, he's going to have to refigure out the new you, over and over. Just be patient. :smile:

Thank you, kglover, that was an excellent post.

I think for me right now, the issue is I am not at my sweet spot and am still working a lot on willpower. Like right now, I'm starving. I ate Breakfast, but I'm starving. When the time comes (and sinks in) that my stoma is thisbig and can only hold thismuch, I know it will eventually be a matter that I CAN'T overdo it too badly. But right now, it's sheer willpower and no restriction, which makes it harder for me at this phase.

I also freak out because of ME -- the mistakes I have made in the past that made me put it back on. I know I will need to talk to somebody about this as I go along because I have done complete 180's after losing 50 or 70 pounds in the past. I need to know why (I think I KNOW why but need to resolve it), and because for me this is my last chance, I guess maybe my emotions over what is happening now are getting to me at times. I'm afraid of myself right now. And I am very hard on myself when I fail. Couple this with having a major thing like surgery, and I think at times it does a mind game on me. *I* do a mind game on me.

I hope your friends can do well with her change as well. I realize that the physical part of this is almost nothing compared to the mental part.

And you DO look hot. I am very proud for you. I know one day I will forgive myself and prove to myself that I'll do this fine, but right now it's still so new... I just have to trust that I'll do the right thing and use all the support I can get. Some people do well by themselves; I happen to need the support. Why do I know this? Because in the past I didn't look for it or ask for it and I failed myself.