i dont know what i am seeking in coming here to post this. support, understanding, a kick in the butt? probably all of those.

basically i got stupid, got too many fills to quickly and ended up not able to swallow my own spit. had a complete unfill the begin of august. i was told i must stay unfilled for a month to heal. i was freakin out at first, so scared i was gonna get fat again. things actually went well. while i did eat things i shouldnt have and hadnt been able to for months i didnt go overboard. i was scheduled for a hysterectomy in sept which i needed to be empty for. no problem i thought. i would just stay empty until after that surgery. well, life happened and i ended up having to reschedule that surgery for oct. because of finances i couldnt afford a fill for a month, then the unfill, then the refill.

so here i sit now. empty since august. i have basically maintained my weight. i flucuate 2-3 pounds. since my surgery 4 weeks ago it is more like 5 pounds. i keep telling myself its just from the surgery.

i now have my fill scheduled for 12-3. and i am scared as hell to go get it. and its all head games. here is what i am thinking: ok, i have 25 lbs to go to goal. i have maintained this long empty and not eating "right' as i should. so with a fill and getting back into eating right i am gonna drop weight just like at first. omg, what am i gonna do? i will be at/near goal. what if i still dont like me at goal? oh of course i am having my tummy tuck (the only savior for my belly!). but what if its not good enough?" and all sorts of things like that. its like the beginning head games all over again. and its so dumb because i already have one them, so this time around i should be better prepared to handle it, right? i dont feel like i am prepared!

sorry for the ramblings on. i needed to get that out there and maybe get some feedback. thanks.

WSB,

You are letting your mind play tricks on you. Take a deep breath and get rational.

You had the surgery to get to goal. Once you're there deal with those demons. They may never show up. You are just borrowing trouble as the expression goes. And it's okay to work toward a goal with out knowing exactly what the end is going to look like. Chances are people who have a fixated image of their end goal (in any arena) have to adjust to reality once they get there.

So, be logical in your approach. Get your fill. Deal with having restriction again and eating well.

Take on problems you can actually impact like what you are choosing to eat tomorrow, not if you'll be addicted to plastic surgery.

Count your successes as you achieve them, like making good choices for a day or meal or an hour.

And live in the moment.

You'll be okay. Promise.

Congratulations on staying fairly close to the weightloss total all that time. That is awesome and you should pat yourself on the back for that.

Where do you think the fear of getting the fill is coming from? Is it before you went too fast last time? Will you be seeing the same person for fills this time around? Maybe you could speak with them about your concerns. I imagine it would all be on your file, so maybe they could slow down the rate you have fills this time? Or you could do that yourself. Instead of getting one every 2 weeks, leave it for a month, or if it was every month, make it every 6 weeks this time. You can do it, you've learnt from the past.

As for the fear of getting to goal, that is perfectly understandable. We all get so focused on the goal, a lot of us stop to ask 'what then'. What will you do once you get there? Well, you can decide once you are there if you are happy with it being goal or if you still want to lose a bit more. You can go out and Celebrate, go to a day spa or something. You could maybe decide to change careers even! One life change deserves another and all that.

Many of us have done the diet thing before. You get to goal, then you are 'off the diet', right? That usually means going to back to eating like you did before the diet, which means putting the weight back on. But that doesn't have to happen this time because you have the band to help you.

Really, the best thing to do is make that appointment and go in. If it freaks you out, then you don't have to go ahead with the fill, but at least you will have made a move and broken the stand-off you are doing with yourself right now.

You don't have to have a huge fill, you can start small. You can also drink plenty before you leave to make sure that things are making their way through.

I understand your fear in that I had an issue where my band closed up on me and went from good restriction to inability to drink Water over a few days. Nothing is more uncomfortable or frightening than that . . . it was absolutely awful. I was also scared of a fill for a while . . . but if you take it easy it is no big deal.

You know now that too much too fast is not good . . . all you have to do is take that first step. You should be proud of yourself for maintaining so well empty.

thank you all for responding.

my fill is scheduled for dec 3. i am still nervous and scared but now i am also excited. i have to decide how much of a fill i want to get. my fill doctor told me at the time of the unfill when i get the refill he would go back to what i was at before i got the last fill that put me too tight. does anyone know or have experience with this type of thing? i worry about a repeat of what happened before, but that was going to a 2.2 fill. i had been ok at a 2.0-2.1 fill. after being empty so long, will that have an effect? should i start with perhaps a 1.5 fill? i am kinda just rambling here i know. the fill will be under fluoro and i know it will be kinda just be a wait and see how things go. these questions were just floating around my head.

thank you all for responding.

my fill is scheduled for dec 3. i am still nervous and scared but now i am also excited. i have to decide how much of a fill i want to get. my fill doctor told me at the time of the unfill when i get the refill he would go back to what i was at before i got the last fill that put me too tight. does anyone know or have experience with this type of thing? i worry about a repeat of what happened before, but that was going to a 2.2 fill. i had been ok at a 2.0-2.1 fill. after being empty so long, will that have an effect? should i start with perhaps a 1.5 fill? i am kinda just rambling here i know. the fill will be under fluoro and i know it will be kinda just be a wait and see how things go. these questions were just floating around my head.

Since you are going to do it under flouro, I wouldn't worry too much about it because you can easily see what is or is not working.

I found that after I had an unfill, my previous fill level was too much when I went to get filled again. The doctor explained to me that when you go through an unfill, sometimes the band settles slightly differently around your stomach and your sweet spot can move up or down. It is not unusual to find it has changed even to a lower fill level. this was a surprise to me.