I know during my pre-op meetings that someone, somewhere along the line talked about how our relationships change after banding. I didn't listen (though clearly I should have!) because I denied that it could ever apply to me. My boyfriend of nearly 3 years has been so utterly supportive of me in this venture. He is a great man and I love him with all of my heart. The problem? He's not looking to get married. I'm not getting any younger, and at some point I realized that I need to move on. It's something I've tossed around in my mind (and yes, discussed with him, too!) for almost a year now. I'm not a neophyte with relationships. I've had a lot of long term boyfriends, but have thus far never been married. I am not sure I want to have children, but at 36 and moving toward 37 soon, I realize my time to have kids is nearing an end. I don't want to ever resent being in a relationship with my boyfriend. So...we've decided it's time for me to start the process of moving out. It's over a month away--November 1st. We're still going on our scheduled trip to Aruba for Columbus Day weekend. Crazy? I suppose, but I'm not angry or bitter. He's looking as forward to this trip as I and I don't want to take that away from him.

I know I'm not ready to date yet, but I feel this bipolar thing going on. (Not to diminish the actual disorder.....) I am so excited by the prospect of moving out and eventually dating again. I haven't dated at this size since highschool. BUT, every so often I get that deep sadness.....I'm definitely not an outwardly emotional person, but I find myself tearing up at things I'll miss most about being with him.

In some strange way, I feel like the band is somewhat to blame for this. My self-confidence has grown immensely since being banded and losing weight. If I didn't have the surgery, I may very well have stayed until it was too late to move on. I do truly love him, but I need to finally put my own aspirations for a husband and family first. Has anyone else ended a relationship after banding? I don't feel comfortable talking about this with my close friends because none know I've been banded. My boyfriend is one of the only people I confided in.......Please tell me I'm doing the right thing by moving on. I've never felt so full of doubts in my life!!!:thumbup:

Thanks, Skini!:eek:

I honestly don't know how he feels. He treats me like a best friend, with respect and kindness. He's just a great guy. But, with that said, I certainly know it's possible to love without being in love. Our relationship is without passion most of the time, but that could also be due to my telling him I'm leaving. I think even the strongest of people prepare themselves emotionally by pulling back...

On that note, I've been looking at a few apartment complexes and am trying to stay focused on the excitement of moving, buying furniture, etc. For the first time I finally get to choose what I like.....I've been saving money for the past year (presumably for a little nip/tuck) but I don't need that yet and will buy everything and anything my heart desires to decorate my new place and make it my home.

We leave for Aruba early Saturday morning. I think it's going to be hard for us to go to a place where we've traveled in the past when things were different between us, but I'm keeping an open mind. I'm just so excited to hit the beach for the next 5 days!

Thanks for your encouragement. Rather than being unnerved by this thing as the date to leave nears, I'm actually feeling less overwhelmed. That's definitely a good sign.

I dont think you will have any regrets looking back bc you are doing what you know in your heart is what you want, even if it is sad. Better than staying and resenting him years later.

sorry kid

So I guess this is when the true panic sets in. I no longer have food to be my constant companion in life--even trying to overeat won't work for me. I'm only a few days from moving (Nov. 1st) and this isn't getting easier. I was hoping after making it through a hurricane in Aruba (everything says it's "outside of the hurricane belt"....) that maybe I'd realize we truly weren't meant to be together. (I took some pics and will post as soon as I can get him to download them onto the computer!)

Tonight he told me he actually believes I have someone else. Are YA kidding me?! He decided because of the way I talk about an ex--who happens to be one of my closest friends--and the fact that I'm no longer making sexual advances, I must be getting it elsewhere. HELLO?? He's chosen not to make me a permanent fixture in his life, but allowing me to walk away after almost 3 years, and he wonders why we're not having sex? Wow. I thought I was the blonde in this relationship.....

I think I'm actually going to make a few phone calls and see about going to counseling. Clearly I need to find other coping mechanisms as I'm sore from working out too much (since I can't over eat!) and I'm overtired from not sleeping. I'm just rambling because it's nearly 3 AM and I'm so overwhelmed.......

I have everything all set--furniture being delivered on Saturday and my stuff is discreetly packed, hoping not to offend him as I get ready to go. I thought staying and being unhappy was bad enough, but I now realize facing my feelings about all of this is far harder than I imagined.

I'm tired. I'm stressed, and boy, I sure could go for some pancakes!!

How in the world do I re-enter the dating scene???? How do you explain getting stuck to someone you're out with? What kinds of things do you do on dates to avoid mealtime?! I think every date I've ever been on included food......ugh.

Hope you're all having a good week. Next week will be a different life for me.......

you are overwhelming yourself right now...just try to get thru the next week and worry about dating after that.....way after that, there is no rush

Let me know when you get settled in the new place maybe we can meet up for a walk on the beach? I am trying to avoid saying we could met up for dinner/drinks. doesnt it stink how much socializing and food go together!

You are making some major changes in your life. You have a right to be stressed. Just keep you mind on making it through the actual move. The rest of it will come in time. Once you are in your new place, sleeping in your own bed, things will calm. I wish you the best.

Just take it one day at a time.

Focus on getting settled in the new place and everything else will fall into place. It sounds like he's not taking you seriously - does he know you are moving this weekend?

Kudos to you for getting this all done so quickly!!

Are you a pet person? Maybe a new little fuzz ball would lift your spirits and really make it feel like you are starting a new life. Getting a dog right before banding was the best thing I ever did. She's the best walking buddy ever!!! It's nice to come home and have someone greet you at the door.

Are you crafty at all? You could try taking up sewing, knitting, or scrap booking. You could join a local wls support group or peer group to meet new people. A part time job. Online gaming.

You'll find something to occupy your time. No longer having food as a comfort is definitely a big adjustment.

You'll find something to occupy your time. No longer having food as a comfort is definitely a big adjustment.

I found shopping to outfit my new place has been the best thing to occupy my time. I also never considered how close my friends live to my new place. I barely finished putting my hanging clothes in the closet when a few of my friends showed up to take me to Breakfast.

I guess I'm ready for a fill. I'm here. I'm moved in. I have my 50 inch plasma. I'm ready to get back on the horse and battle this weight......

Thanks for all of your suggestions! I appreciate the support.

Just sending you hugs. This is a big big step and I am thrilled to see your friends stepping up to the plate. I hope moving day wasn't too traumatic.

Thank you! Moving Day wasn't too bad as the furniture delivery was between 6:30 and 8:30 AM, so I had to get up by 5:30 to pack up and leave, while my now ex was still sleeping. He woke up to say goodbye, but I stayed away from the whole emotional thing. Tonight is my first real night alone. I'm watching tv and bored and thinking it's time to get back to working out at night. Thankfully, my apartment complex has an amazing gym. I'll just have to make my way up to it now!

Looks like I'm going to be better off than expected. I'm learning to embrace my new reality, my new start. In one more week, all of the furniture will have arrived and it will start to feel like home. If only I can get some sleep now......

Glad to see u are doing better and ur spirit is still alive and functioning......lol. Its definately worth "living" in this world and not just exsisting in it.....

Ive been keepin up with this thread to see how u are keeping up.....

And possibly for some inspiration.....

Im hoping to one day gain the courage u have.........

Glad to see u are doing better and ur spirit is still alive and functioning......lol. Its definately worth "living" in this world and not just exsisting in it.....

Ive been keepin up with this thread to see how u are keeping up.....

And possibly for some inspiration.....

Im hoping to one day gain the courage u have.........

I'm flattered, though I'm not sure it's "courage" so much as it is desperation. I'm in my upper 30's and still unmarried without children. I don't have a whole lot of fertile years remaining. I'm not sure I want kids, but I also don't want someone to slam that door on me, without ever having a chance. My boyfriend is/was wonderful. He was a huge cheerleader for me when I had surgery and encouraged me to follow my heart. I know he will make some woman very happy. With that said, it won't be me. I know that. He has 2 other huge priorities in his life: 2 kids and 2 very needy parents. He's allowed his parents to be needy and encouraged them to be dependent. I know his mother isn't a fan of me as she's let it be known. (Just for the record, I've had a million moms offer to set me up with their sons, so it's not ME....she's a Russian Jew mother. I don't mean to stereotype, but I will never be the #1 woman in his life.) I need to feel like I'm #1 and that my needs can come first. That will never be with him. I love him. I truly do, but I have to love myself more. I've worked so hard to be where I am in life--professionally, personally, etc. I can't let this go. I want a big wedding. I want to have the chance at a family of my own.

So....I don't think it's courage, so much as it is desperation. I've felt like a square peg trying to fit into a circular hole for far too long. I'm looking to find where I truly belong.

We all deserve to be happy. You'll get there. You're moving in the right direction!

So I re-read this thread today to remind me of how far I've come. My ex and I no longer speak. Things got ugly--really ugly. He started dating another woman (yes, I did realize he would date...) around Thanksgiving and proposed to her on Christmas Eve. So, evidently he didn't have commitment issues, he just didn't want to be with ME. I spent my first 2 months in my new apartment trying to keep myself together...afraid if I stopped smiling, I'd never stop crying. I realize now that it wasn't him I missed in my life so much as it was that I was so sad that he didn't love me enough to want to be with me. I spent 3 months of sleepless nights--did I mention I've never lived alone?! I finally started working out at night, between 8 and 10, because it was the hardest time of the day for me to stay out of the kitchen and keep it all together. It also helped me sleep. I had a fill right after Thanksgiving. Between that time and New Years' Day, I lost almost 40 pounds. I realize it's far more than I'm supposed to lose, but I swear I did it in a healthy way. (Cooking for one just isn't any fun. Eating yogurt or pre-cooked turkey meatballs is just far easier when it's just me!) I also worked out for nearly 2 hours a day. I took some time off from the gym around New Years' on the advice of my surgeon.

My ex is now single again. (some things just have to make you laugh!) I spent Valentine's Day with my friends at a singles' party. I've been dating as much as I possibly can--there are 3 meals a day, after all, and that doesn't even include coffee! My apartment is finally looking like I live here. I couldn't bring myself to decorate or even put up curtains initially, but I'm getting there. I'm training for a 5K in May. I'm meeting new people and making new friends. I am going back to Aruba for Memorial Day weekend--my reward for my first road race. :mad2: I'm learning to love myself and appreciate men who admire me. I'm not looking to fall in love today, but you never know. Incidentally, I started individual counseling around late November, when I just couldn't seem to put my life back together on my own and didn't want to depend on whining to my friends any more. We all have limits. It hasn't been an easy journey, but my new life is finally mine. I control it. I appreciate it. I love it. The Lap Band hasn't just given me control of my eating--it's given me the confidence to go after what I want in life. It has allowed me to find what makes ME happy, not just create happiness by making others happy. I am not at goal yet. I'd like to lose another 40 pounds. When the time comes, I'll get there.....for now, I'm training for my 5K. Thank you so much to all of you who were supportive when I most needed it. I can't tell you how much it meant and still means to me. :sneaky:

Luv, it sounds like you've had a transformative journey. I'm glad to hear you are doing much better now.

I have heard that many men who were in long term relationships and refused to marry based on commitment issues once dumped by the long term girlfriend will immediately go out and find another woman and run to the altar. I guess being dumped does something to their psyche. They hate being alone and once they find someone else who will chase away the lonelies for them, they panic and marry to make sure the new one doesn't get away. Sounds like it didn't work out all that well for him.

When you send out the receptive signals, the men will be lining up.

I was wondering how you were doing. I remeber reading one of your threads when you were getting ready for the break up.

I am so glad you are taking care of yourself and moving forward!

You so very rock! You should feel very proud of yourself. You have done so much in such a short amount of time. Good for you!