Hi, guys.

I posted this on the spotlight board as well, as I wanted to get feedback from both of my favorite boards.

After some months of increased problems that I believed were related to being (really very slightly) too tight, I decided to go in for an unfill. My surgeon's office has been unresponsive in the past and I let that delay my making an appointment for a couple months, but I also was grappling with the fact that some days things seemed okay and other days I was producing a huge amount of mucus and having trouble keeping things down. Since I have chronic allergies and sinus troubles, I honestly believed that was the underlying cause of the excess mucus and too-frequent pb-ing.

Well, to my horror the doctor was totally alarmed and scheduled me for an endoscopy next Wednesday (April 6). "I want to check for a slip or erosion," he told me, as my mouth fell open. A slip—-as disagreeable as the prospect of another surgery certainly is--I can handle. But erosion? Erosion? F*ck. F*ckity f*ck f*ck.

My husband keeps saying: "Don't project, it won't get you anywhere. We'll deal with whatever happens when we know." But I feel like I'm watching the slow-motion crumbling of what suddenly seems like a house of cards, the house of cards that was my hope for a non-obese future. I never had a super-easy time with the band (again, I think because of my allergies, as well as increased stomach sensitivity and the resulting havoc this played with my antidepressant medication). I did what I could--I made adjustments to my medication (turns out I wasn't faking that depression and don't really do so well without the medicine) and I got off entirely one (Zoloft) that my newly banded stomach just totally refused to tolerate. But, regardless of these difficulties, I had my band! I was losing weight. I was (astonishingly) no longer gaining weight. I felt better, looked better, moved better, had more energy, was less depressed--all the things we all want. Yes, eating could be something of a crap shoot, but I tried really hard to be careful. I think I tolerated the pb-ing and phlegm factory more readily than I should have, because I was so freaking relieved to be going in the right direction finally. Also, and I'm being totally straight here, I think chronic obesity has inured me to, programmed me to tolerate, a certain level of discomfort and secrecy around my bodily functions anyway. At 270, there were a lot of ways my body was betraying me--discomfort and exhaustion, painful mobility, IBS, despair and shame--some of the reasons I broke down and considered WLS to begin with. So, I was used to an uncooperative body and while I didn't like it, I liked it better than hopelessness of pre-banded living.

Ever since my meeting with the surgeon, all I can think about it waking up from the endoscopy and having him tell me he's removing the band. I've had three full-blown nightmares of just this scenario. If that happens, I don't know what I'll do. I'm 200 now. I suppose it's possible that I can keep going on my own, lose more weight, try to keep it off. But I've weighed much less than 200 in the past (after whatever fill-in-the-blank diet) and slowly but surely I've always crept up again. I'm not being defeatist--I think I'm being realistic. It's not that regain is written in stone, I know. If it's a slip, I'll be re-banded, no question. If not, if it's erosion, I don't know. Does excess mucus signal erosion? Do eroded people ever get rebanded? If not, would I convert to bypass or DS? Is that what people do? If you had to convert to one of the more invasive types of surgery, which of those two would you have? From what I've read, I think I'd be inclined to have the DS. Fewer surgeons perform it, but the risk of regain seems (perhaps only anecdotally?) to be lower. Though fear of regain wasn't my primary reason for choosing the band, it was definitely one of them. The bypass regain figures scare the bejesus out of me, knowing and loving so many bypass people. I do know, of course, that regain is in no way a given for bypassers—it's just that after going through the risk and pain of a bypass, regain is just heartbreaking. Not, by the way, that bandsters are immune from regain, I know that. Oh my God, I'm babbling. Forgive me—I should be shot with a tranquilizer dart.

I'm so happy to have been able to have the band, and I chose it for all the good reasons that have been over and over documented on this board, but if I had to chose between a more invasive surgery or heading back up toward 300, I think I'd probably have the surgery. It's only since I've lost these 70 pounds that I understand what a psychological prison I was in for all those years, feeling so badly about myself and believing that I was irrevocably trapped there. I just can't go back.

I've been so fall-on-my-knees grateful to have this band and to know what life is like as a normally-hungry person. But, facing this uncertainty, I'm just beginning to grasp how truly liberating and miraculous this experience has been. I just pray that everyone who longs for a band finds a way to get one, and I pray as well that my time as a bandster isn't about to end.

Thanks for listening, and best to you all,

Sheila

2/02/04

270/200/170ish

Oh, Sheila, I'm so sorry you're going through this! But I'm with your husband and think it's senseless to worry too much until you know exactly what you're dealing with. I guess erosion is a possibility, but slippage is more likely from what you say. And then, your doctor is duty-bound to share all the possibilities with you--he wasn't telling you what he'd find.

So maybe it makes sense to hold off on the discussion of what your alternatives are until you know what your issue is. That's been a tried-and-true tactic in my life: not wasting psychic energy on what-ifs and what-might-have-beens. You'll know much more about the situation after next Wednesday, and then there will be time to consider your options.

For now, you're up against a question, that's all. The answers will come. Try to get some sleep!!

Thank you, Alexandra. As always, a generous and sensible response, even to a possible overreaction on my part. You are very kind.

I try to be like you--not panic and go into a tailspin prematurely--and sometimes I succeed. I'll try now. The handful of Hershey's Kisses I'm clutching in my sweaty paw will undoubtedly help!

Best to you,

Sheila

(((Sheila)))

Im a worrier AND an analyzer! So I would certainly be in the same boat as you if this wouldve been my doctors words to me.

But siding with Alexandrea, try - really hard, to not think about it too much. This kind of news could keep me pre-occupied (mentally) for days on end... but come Wednesday, this test may show nothing more then just an inflamed esphogus... you never know! I think its a wise call for you doctor to be so concered, so he gets our praises for that.

Please keep us posted on the results of Wednesdays test....

in the mean time - hang in there!

Sheila Honey! I sure hope you don't have the worst case senario! Sending you the warmest thoughts and the brightest white light!

Sheila, I have a good friend that tells me "Worrying is just like a rocking chair. You can rock and rock and still not get anywhere." I'm still a worrier, but I'm trying to do a lot better. Hopefully, your doctor will be very thorough and be able to give you good news.

Last November I had an unfill to help with reflux, and a couple of weeks later went in to see the doctor. I asked about getting filled again, and we scheduled the fluoro for Decmber 23rd. He said something to the effect that he hoped it wouldn't ruin my Christmas if he found out he'd have to operate! YIKES! So I know how you feel, a little.

And as it turned out there was nothing wrong. I'm sending strong vibes that the same will be the case for you.