Need a little support and encouragement

This is really, really long and I apologize. I just wanted to give my history for better understanding and if anyone has a similar history. To anyone who actually takes the time to read this…. thank you.

I’m 43, or will be in a few weeks. I’m 5’-4” and weigh 300lbs. I started dieting when I was 11 years old because I thought I was soooo fat when I was maybe just a few lbs over weight. That started the cycle of dieting and bingeing and I honestly believe that if I had never started dieting I would not be 300lbs today. The more I worried and beat myself up about my weight, the more I tried to diet, the more I tried to diet, the more I ate.

I managed to keep my weight around 140 – 145 lbs, until I was in my mid 20’s. Something happened during that time that I can only explain as something like a nervous breakdown. My life went spiraling out of control and so did my eating. I’ve had several periods where I managed my eating for 3 or 4 months and I would always loose 20 to 30 lbs, but then I always went back to my old habits. I lost 70-80lbs on phen-phen, but of course that all came back, plus 60 more lbs.

I’ve been researching the lap-band for 5 or 6 years. But every time I would end up thinking that I’m just not finished trying on my own yet. When I first started researching the lap band I didn’t have any health problems, now I have sleep apnea, high cholesterol, high blood pressure and type 2 diabetes, all controlled with medication. I have a vitamin D deficiency and very low ferritin. I’ve been taking iron supplements for a couple of years now trying to raise my ferritin with little success. I’m having all kinds of stomach problems and joint problems. Every 6 months or so, I start having some other ache or pain somewhere and another health problem pops up. And of course there are many social and psychological problems as a result of being obese for so many years that are too many to mention.

Last year I decided I was finished trying on my own and get the lap band, but when I checked with my insurance, it wasn’t covered. There was an exclusion for any obesity treatment, surgery included. I went to the seminar at my local hospital and was told that if there is an exclusion than there is nothing they can do. I’ve been on the fence for the past year whether or not I should self-pay or not. The only thing that was holding me back, was if there was complications during surgery, I could have mounds and mounds and mounds of medical bills, that I can’t even fathom the actual amount.

A couple of weeks ago I found out that there are at least 2 people from where I work who are getting WLS and our insurance is covering it. I don’t know if the policy was changed at the first of the year, I don’t know what I happened. I called my insurance last year and gave the CPT code and was told that it was not covered. Someone else called a couple of weeks ago and gave the CPT code and was told that it is covered. So, I went to the seminar again and I have an appointment with the surgeon on March 11th.

My two biggest concerns, aside from complications, are what and how much food I will be able to eat and will I be able to lose all of my excess weight? I want to be able to eat healthy, whole foods and have a balanced diet. Plenty of fruits and vegetables, lean sources of protein, whole grains, healthy fats, etc. I hope I don’t have to live on 800 calories a day. Right now I can lose weight eating 1900 – 2000 calories a day. But I wonder if I will be able to actual reach my goal without going really low? I know I will have to reduce my calories from that eventually, but I don’t want to trade one disordered way of eating for another. I know that there is a big debate on these boards about what and how much to eat and believe me I’m not trying to get another debate going, nor do think what someone is doing or not doing is wrong for them. This is just what I’m thinking and feeling for myself.

I would love to lose 170lbs and get down to 130lbs. But I also know that the longer you have been obese, the harder it is to lose all of your excess weight. And I know there is no way to know how my body is going to respond until I get there. I know it will take a lot of hard work and I will have to make a lot of changes. I know that I will have to work up to exercising about an hour or so most days of the week. Actually I think I will probably like to do that. I would like to do cardio, strength training and yoga. I always feel better after I exercise and I never finish and think, “I wish I hadn’t done that”.

I have a lot of emotional work to do also. I guess that is another concern too. Will I be able to do this without sabotaging the band? I don’t want to, and I don’t have any plans to and I will work as hard as I can for that not to happen. But I’ve been trying to lose weight for over 30 years and I have failed for 30 years. I just can’t help but wonder, will this time be different? Will I succeed this time?

I know that no body can tell me what my personal experience with either of these is going to be, but I guess I would just like to hear from people who have a similar history to mine or have similar goals in eating and weight loss, how successful they have been. Of course, any words of encouragement from anyone, is always nice too.

Again, sorry for such a long post. All of these things are just spinning around in my head and it feels good just to get them out, down on paper and shared with someone.

Thank you,

PS

PS, it sounds to me that you enjoy eating, as most of us do or did. Preband, everything I did centered around food, family gatherings, parties, socials, etc, my main concern was what will there be to eat. I loved the taste of food and I loved to eat it.

I've been banded over 3 years and food is NOT my priority any more, life is . I now go to places and I'm not the biggest person there, I don't head straight for the food line, I enjoy people now.

The band is a tool, you will still have to get your head in the right place for it to work. I wish you the best with your decision.

Did I mention I actually like ME now, LOL

Your story of yo-yo dieting and self-loathing is probably a familiar one to nearly all of us here. What I don't understand is your reluctance to embrace the fact that you have to eat a lot less to reach a healthy weight. Isn't this, forgive me, a desire to have your cake and eat it too?

You may not get down to 130. After the age of 40 it is very hard for any of us to get down to what we would have considered to be an ideal weight when we were younger. However, a band would probably help you to lose at least some of the weight and give you a healthier, happier body and life. It isn't a cure-all, though, and you have to accept that the pleasures of overeating are no longer for you.

You already have multiple health problems stemming from obesity. You have to decide what is more important to you: your love affair with food, or a longer and healthier life. I've said before that the week before I was banded I felt like my best friend (food) was dying; now I feel like she and I have just grown apart. She's still out there, but she doesn't mean as much to me anymore.

I loved food too. It was my whole life. i was worried about the amount I would be able to eat also. Wasn't sure I wanted to give it up but......I was diabetic and killing myself slowly with my eating habits so I got the band. I am happy to say my love for food is still here but it is different. I still enjoy eating, I still look forward to eating, but it doesn't control me anymore. I control it. It is so much more fun now.

If your insurance covers it, definitely get the surgery. Don't delay! If you insurance does not cover it, you might should get it anyway- if there is any way you can afford it. Don't put your life on hold anymore. Go for it!

Thank you all for your words of encouragement.

Snowbird: I'm not reluctant to accept that I have to eat less. Eating balanced meals of fruits, veggies, Protein and healthy carbs and eating 1500 - 1800 calories a day is eating a lot less and very different from the way I eat now. I want to eat in a healthy, balanced way, that's all. I think having my cake and eat it to would be continuing to eat the way I do now and expecting to lose weight and change my health. But thank you for your input.

PS

My apologies, then, sophie. I can't eat 1800 calories a day of healthy stuff with my band; I just couldn't take the volume. I also don't think I would lose weight very steadily at that amount, and I need the positive reinforcement of the scale to continue well with my band. A lot of people aren't as tight as I am and are successful on less restriction, but I feel that I need this tightness to stop me from eating too much junk. Sounds like you may be more disciplined than I am!

My goodness Princess Sophie, that's what I call my dog when she's bossy or finicky. No actually we call her Princess Sophia then. Usually she's just Sophie. Hope you aren't insulted. She's pure cuteness. As for you and surgery, It sounds like you would be the perfect canidate. Please understand that it isn't a quick fix though. It can take forever to reach the point of perfect restriction (case in point right here).

Snowbird,

I may not be able to tolerate that much or lose weight with that much food either. There really isn't any way to know until I get there. And if I can't, than I guess I will just have to deal with it then. As far as me being disciplined, that is definitely yet to be determined.

PS

Up until now ( I have lost to the point where I have to cut calories to lose) I have been able to eat 1500-1600 calories of healthy food and lose weight. I exercise 6 days a week and don't have a great amount of restriction. I think you have to be in the right mindset and really want to lose weight. I am purely self motivated and I know I will lose all my excess weight and meet my goals. Good luck!

Princess: Have you ever been tested for Celiac Sprue? It is an intolerlance to gluten. My doctor thought for years it was IBS and found out it has been CS. I am too iron-deficient and you won't be able to get that up if you don't follow a gluten-free diet. I have a hard time with this diet because lets face it...I have a hard time with any diet. The only way I was able to get my Iron levels up was with iron-infusion IV's. This disease can cause so many other problems including joint pain, depression, bowel problems, etc. You can get tested with blood work, but the only way to know for sure is with a test called an endoscopy and from there they can see the small intestines and take a biopsy.

As far as you thinking you can diet on your own...most of us who have been overweight all of our lives and food as been our companion through all of life's ups and downs...we can't do it alone. Maybe for awhile but it never lasts. I have been on the fence about this for a long time but I came to realize that life is short and we are in our 40's. Let's do something now so we can start our enjoying life again.

PS, one thing to think about in the event the Band turns out to not be covered by insurance: your seriously lower food and medicine bill will cover a great portion of a payment for your band. I am self-pay and went for it regardless, but was totally amazed at how much less I spent on groceries and at the pharmacy (even though a good portion of my meds were covered by insurance). Just thought I'd mention it...

legs

PS -

I have some similarities to your story - I started dieting as a pre-teen, didn't start gaining steadily until my mid-20s, and agree that I wouldn't have made it to 300lb without dieting.

My main reason for choosing to go forward with lapband surgery is that the arthritis in my knees and hips had gotten so bad I was using a cane most of the time and couldn't walk on uneven surfaces, like the beach or a hiking trail. I have two small children who love to go hiking and to the beach and I realized I was making their world smaller with my disability.

The orthopedist said he wouldn't (and he doubted anyone else would, either) do knee replacement surgery on someone my size, that I'd have to lose 125+ lb. When I talked to my primary care doc about my frustration and hopelessness, she asked if I'd ever looked into lapband surgery. I hadn't - I had lumped it in with gastric bypass and knew I didn't want to risk that surgery. When I looked into lapband and realized that it had a miniscule mortality risk and seemed to be working for a large number of people, I decided to go forward. I had to self-pay - our insurance excludes treatment for obesity, too - but I feel much more hopeful about my chances for improving my mobility and the rest of my life.

What really got to me was comparing the success rates. With diets, we've all heard that 90% of people who try to lose weight by dieting fail and gain it back, usually with extra. With lapband, at my doctor's office, 90% of the patients lose at least 50-60% of their excess weight. At that point it was an easy decision to go with the option that gave me a much greater chance of reaching my goal. I honestly don't care if I get into a normal BMI range - I just want to increase my mobility, decrease my pain, and be a more energetic person. And so far I feel a positive difference with every 20 pounds I lose. It's been worth it for me, definitely.

As for the eating, I never would have believed I could be satisfied eating 800-1000 calories. Some days it's 700, some days it's 1200, a very occasional 1600 (usually when I've had a couple glasses of wine!). Just after surgery I was pretty restricted due to the inflammation and I was having trouble getting over 400 cal/day - shocker!

I do feel that I'm dieting at this point, not because I'm hungry, but rather because I am tracking everything I eat so I can ensure I'm getting enough Protein. Not everyone does that, but I'm a bit of a control freak I can imagine that when I am perfectly restricted and used to the different way of eating (protein first, then veg, and whole grains or fruit if there's room) I won't feel as though I have to keep track anymore.

Even though I'm not perfectly restricted, I'm not looking for food between meals except when I'm pre-menstrual:rolleyes:, and when I succumb to those cravings I just can't eat much. My previous pre-menstrual binges were often a 7oz or larger bag of chips, or half a large pizza. Now, pizza just doesn't appeal that much, and my salt/crispy food of the moment is 1-3 oz of snap pea crisps - they're not the best choice, but they fulfill the salt/crisp craving and are comparatively high in protein, and regardless, much healthier than the bag of chips they replaced!

I hope all that helps - I kind of got on a roll! Best of luck as you make your decision.

PS, Your story is so familiar. I know it sounds crazy to think about only eating 800-1000 calories a day, but trust me... after the band you can totally do that! I'd bet that 2 months ago, I was happily munching down 3000 calories a day, and now I'm under 800 and not hungry. You mention that you want to be able to eat balanced meals. One thing I didn't expect was how much my life would revolve around trying to fit 50 grams of Protein into an 800 calorie diet! If you don't like fish, eggs, cheese, yogurt and milk - I'd start getting used to those things before you band!

Also, I had to make the hard decision to self pay. We took it from our retirement account. But I reminded myself that if I kept going the way I was (fat, pre-diabetic, sleep apnea, joint problems) I might not make it to retirement. And if I did make it, would I be able to comfortably travel with my husband, or ski or go boating or any of the fun things we hope to do in retirement!

It's a big decision, but as you'll read from others in this forum, it is rarely, if ever, regretted!