Okay, bear with me for a bit. I'm thinking as I type, so this might be a tad disjointed. :tongue: And to head off any bitching, no, I'm not necessarily discussing anyone on this site, but rather people in general, both online and IRL. :tt1:

Does it irritate anyone else when people are passive aggressive? I really wonder if it's just personality conflicts that make so many people seem deeply passive aggressive, or if they really are like that with everyone, not just me. I mean, it may just be the way I'm wired, but I don't see the point in dancing around crap and it really bugs me when people do that. I don't see the purpose in pretending. Does that make sense? I mean, there's no point in being out-and-out nasty to people that you don't like, but what the heck's the usefulness in pretending that you're best friends? Surely it takes more effort to be a really fake person than it takes to be honest. I would think that it'd be mentally draining, wouldn't you? I mean, they're going around pretending to be something/someone they're not, when I'm sure everyone sees through it anyway (I know I usually do). All it does is leave a bad taste in people's mouths.

And I'm not necessarily talking about people being passive aggressive towards me. When they do it to the other people around me, it bothers the hell out of me, too. Don't they realize that the people around them usually see what they're doing? You know, the people that are nice to someone's face and then turn around and gossip about them. Do they think that makes the people they're gossiping to like them or trust them? Or the people that intentionally bait folks online, making seemingly nice/unobjectionable posts that really aren't nice/unobjectionable when you read them carefully? You know the type, the people that are very careful about their word choice, taking potshots in a way that they can deny being intentional later.

What the hell's the point in it? If you don't like someone, at least have the balls to say so, or leave the person alone. I mean, hell, if I don't like someone, they KNOW I don't like them. I don't beat around the bushes, taking cowardly potshots at them and then denying it later. I don't act like I'm their friend to their faces, letting them help me with personal matters, and then gossip/badmouth them on another website or to coworkers. I try not to be mean to them or truly nasty, but I'm not going to pretend we're bosom buddies, either.

Really, is it a personality thing? Are there personality types that are more prone to that type of behavior?

Now, I know that all people are going to be passive aggressive at one point or another. That's human nature, I think. We all have moments of childishness, weakness, whatever you want to call it, when we do things that we wouldn't necessarily do otherwise. That's not what I'm ranting about. What I'm bitching about is when people do it all the time, when it's apparently their normal behavior. Are those people the ones that never let their behavior mature past high school, or do they simply have certain personality types that lend themselves to that behavior?

Oh, I completely agree with you. I deeply enjoy treating others with kindness, consideration, humour, and generosity. Where I run into trouble is when people treat me badly. That is when my rage problems errupt. I am lousy at turning the other cheek. Instead I become ornery, sarcastic, and then refuse to ever have anything to do with the individual ever again. This is a real problem for me. That is why I am in therapy.

Green, you are my soul sista. Ditto for me except the therapy - but I'm not saying I don't need it. :party:

I prefer not to call if passive aggressive but FAKE ! And frankly im as tired of it as you are. Ive been tired of it since high school .

I get the "WOW that was blunt " or "Wow you SURE can be a BITCH Mindy" quite often , but I was not always like that. I guess you could say I use to be passive aggressive and was frankly a door mat for people to walk on and wipe their feet on . I look at it this way , i honestly do not see the point of sugar coating things with people espically if it wont help them . NOW I tend to say things the wrong way a LOT . But i tell the TRUTH . Sometimes it gets me in trouble sometimes people thank me for it later. MOST Of the times I will ask people "do you WANT the TRUTH " LOL

MIndy

God Mindy why you gotta be such a bitch? :party:

ROFLMAO

Dont be so passive agressive Next time !!! :party::thumbup::thumbup:

Mindy

I must disagree, If you read my response to your note you will discover that I did not snap at you. In My response I stated my opinion and not once did I suggest anything negative about you. There was no inuendo or passive aggressive behavior what so ever. You did not like my response so you attacked me. Never once did I attack you and of that I am certain. You may not have liked what I said but I said nothing negative to or about you.

I must disagree, If you read my response to your note you will discover that I did not snap at you. In My response I stated my opinion and not once did I suggest anything negative about you. There was no inuendo or passive aggressive behavior what so ever. You did not like my response so you attacked me. Never once did I attack you and of that I am certain. You may not have liked what I said but I said nothing negative to or about you.

We'll have to agree to disagree on that one. Unfortunately, I've deleted the PM you sent me, but I distinctly remember being spoken to in a very nasty tone. If you disagree, and you've kept the PM you sent me, feel free to forward it to me again and we'll discuss it.

By the way, where in the world did you get the idea that I was calling you passive aggressive? This thread had absolutely nothing to do with you.

I agree with the statement about fake people. My father is maybe the most fake person I know. I'm not even sure HE knows who he really is. His side of the family is much the same. Other than that it's people I work with. Whenever someone badmouths someone else to you, you gotta wonder what they say about you to someone else.

I would say I am passive aggressive – I don’t like confrontation – I am not good at it. so what - that's who I am - We all aren't going to be alike - we all have diff opinions - that's what makes up the world - ya you might not like how people respond to certain situations but you can not inflict your own personality on other people and expect them to behave as you would

I hate people who pretend to be martyrs - or cry babies - but that's me - it takes all kinds I have a girlfriend who is a big martyr - that's her so what - she is a nice person otherwise - she has issues (who doesn't) I don't let that little part of her take away from our friendship - My 17 yr GS has this whole thing about not liking someone for whatever reason - they gotta make a big deal about it - I say if you don't like someone then don't be around them - what’s the use - they usually don't care if you like them or not

If we are having a conversation I take it at face value - I'm not one to try and figure out the secret meaning of what you might be trying to say - That takes too much work - but I do think if you have a diff of opinion - you should voice it - but people don't have to get nasty about it

Merely being passive-aggressive isn't a disorder but a behavior — sometimes a perfectly rational behavior, which lets you dodge unpleasant chores while avoiding confrontation. It's only pathological if it's a habitual, crippling response reflecting a pervasively pessimistic attitude.

Well said! I like the way you explained your feelings and it makes much sense!

I agree with the statement about fake people. My father is maybe the most fake person I know. I'm not even sure HE knows who he really is. His side of the family is much the same. Other than that it's people I work with. Whenever someone badmouths someone else to you, you gotta wonder what they say about you to someone else.

Ditto. I've seen people that are nice to my face and to the faces of people I'm friends with later turn around when they don't think anyone is watching or listening and badmouth my friends to their clique. It does make me wonder if they do the same to me, too, which makes me completely distrust them. And you really have to wonder which is the real person, the one that's nice to you or the one that badmouths the people they've supposedly befriended. I've decided that people like that just aren't worth my friendship. People should be able to protect themselves by removing negative influences, including people, from their surroundings. Life's too short to waste time on two-faced "friends."

I've got a theory about them, though.... I really wonder if they're the same folks who, back in high school, wanted to be nicey-nice with everyone, but only if the cool kids weren't watching. If the cool kids were watching, they were the types that would join in the harassment of the people they were supposedly "friends" with, just so they could get "cool" points.

Really, is it a personality thing? Are there personality types that are more prone to that type of behavior?

Yes, and it has a lot to do with one's comfort levels around confrontation, feelings, etc. Most if not all of which stems from all the experiences, genetic dispositions, etc. that comprise your personality. My mother is one of the most passive aggresive people I know. She will absolutely not do things face-to-face, but she wants to talk a big game about it ("If they d this, I'm going to...") and when recounting her version of a story, she has always confronted the person, even though in reality she never does. She prefers everything to be indirect, avoiding all face-to-face, and avoiding as much personal involvement as possible.

There's a LOT of passive aggression on the Internet. I know in one rant thread or another I've referred to people who come into a thread, post something inflammatory, and then say "Ok don't bother responding I'm done with this thread" or something similar. That's kind of the virtual equivalent of walking into a room, slapping someone in the face, and then leaving before they have a chance to respond... breaking up with someone on a post-it note... etc. Look at another demonstration of passive agression -- someone tells you they're running late, so instead of trying to hurry, you drag your feet - knowingly or not. That's no different than the "pokes and prods" you see online.

I'm an RN, worked in psych for 16 years and I really don't think you are talking about true passive aggressive people. It sounds like you are talking about two faced people........those who say one thing to your face and something else behind your back. The passive aggressive person will hurt people by doing nothing. For instance, If you ask your husband if he would like to accept an invition somewhere and he says "I don't know yet" and just keeps you on edge all the time because he won't committ.......That's passive aggressive. He's being mean by doing nothing..... If your teenage daughter is sexually active and doesn't use birth control and knows you would be hurt if she got preg, that's passive aggresive. If your neighbor lets his lawn go to hell and spoils the look of the neighbor hood, that's passive agressive. I guess it kinda bugs me to see people throw around psych terms loosely. If I stood by and let someone use terms inappropiately and knew knew they sounded foolish, I would be passive aggressive in a mild way.....but if it's something that doesn't really matter as in this thread and I correct you, I could just be anal :biggrin: :eek: Hope no one is offended.

Not sure if you're addressing me or not...? I'm not a psych nurse but I have a MS in Psychology, and yes - my mother is passive aggressive. As hell. Whether I use it in the colloquial or clinical sense online probably has more to do with being "ok" with its use, and not needing to make the correction because I understand its use in the context. :biggrin:

Oh, I completely agree with you. I deeply enjoy treating others with kindness, consideration, humour, and generosity. Where I run into trouble is when people treat me badly. That is when my rage problems errupt. I am lousy at turning the other cheek. Instead I become ornery, sarcastic, and then refuse to ever have anything to do with the individual ever again. This is a real problem for me. That is why I am in therapy.

Bravo Green! Honestly? Everyone should be in therapy. There's not one single person out there that would not benefit from some time with a good therapist. Sadly too many people won't go because being in therapy means you must have a problem, and we can't have any of that going on!

And yeah, sorry for italics, I'm unable to change the formatting for some reason.

Bravo Green! Honestly? Everyone should be in therapy. There's not one single person out there that would not benefit from some time with a good therapist. Sadly too many people won't go because being in therapy means you must have a problem, and we can't have any of that going on![/i]

And yeah, sorry for italics, I'm unable to change the formatting for some reason.

And what makes the shrinks any less "f'd' up than us :biggrin:

I loved it on the Soprano's when the shrink went to a shrink:lol:

I don't think Everyone needs it but some do...

I'm an RN, worked in psych for 16 years and I really don't think you are talking about true passive aggressive people. It sounds like you are talking about two faced people........those who say one thing to your face and something else behind your back. The passive aggressive person will hurt people by doing nothing. For instance, If you ask your husband if he would like to accept an invition somewhere and he says "I don't know yet" and just keeps you on edge all the time because he won't committ.......That's passive aggressive. He's being mean by doing nothing..... If your teenage daughter is sexually active and doesn't use birth control and knows you would be hurt if she got preg, that's passive aggresive. If your neighbor lets his lawn go to hell and spoils the look of the neighbor hood, that's passive agressive. I guess it kinda bugs me to see people throw around psych terms loosely. If I stood by and let someone use terms inappropiately and knew knew they sounded foolish, I would be passive aggressive in a mild way.....but if it's something that doesn't really matter as in this thread and I correct you, I could just be anal :biggrin: :eek: Hope no one is offended.

No offense taken! I was kinda thinking while typing when I made the OP, so I know there were some contradictory statements in it. The term was just all I could come up with at the time, though. Actually, I was talking about both passive-aggressive people and two-faced people, I guess. The ones that can't make a comment or a post without using passive-aggressive language or behavior (like the example Wheetsin gave of members that post and run, people that just use language that hints at how irritated they are instead of openly saying that they're irritated, people that blame others for confrontations in threads when they're the ones that made an objectional post [i.e., saying that it's everyone else's fault, not theirs]), and the ones that actually are actively two-faced (e.g., pretending to be friends and then badmouthing you to other people). Of course, in some cases, the two types of people are combined into one person, and you get a passive-aggressive two-faced person.

Truly, I can understand passive-aggressive behavior IRL (to a certain extent, anyway), since I doubt there are really that many people out there that like confrontation. I just don't get the online behavior, though. Online interaction is about as far from face-to-face as you can get. What's the point of it, online? Makes me wonder how passive-aggressive people are in real life, if they're that passive-aggressive in cyber-land.

And again, I know that every person out there exhibits passive-aggressive behavior to some extent. Like someone else said, it's just a behavior. What I'm referring to, though, is when a person behaves like that a majority (or seeming majority) of the time.

And like Wheetsin said, I'm using the term in the colloquial sense, not the professional psych sense.