Okay, this is going to be long, but I need to tell someone or I'm going to go crazy. Yesterday afternoon, I had a message from my ex-husband. He said some detectives went to his work and asked him to come in for questioning. He said he didn't know what he was accused of and wanted to know if I had anything to do with it.. Well, I don't. My brother works with him, so I thought I'd try to call him to get some information on what was going on. My brother didn't know anything, and said all their co-worker's were speculating whether I had anything to do with it. (My ex and I had major problems -custody/divorce-but over 11 years ago). I tried calling him back to no response, well, I called the jail and sure enough he had been arrested. When I asked what the charges were they said he had been accussed of sexual assault on a minor over 12 yrs of age under 18. I thougth my heart was going to pop out of my chest. I could not believe what I heard. I called his sister and she proceeded to try and explain to me what was going on. Sorry this is long, well, she said that 3 wks ago his step-daughter who is 13 was discovered missing in the middle of the night. He and his wife called the police and she was later found at some boys house. Well, they brought her home (my ex apparently had an anxiety attack over this) and all her privileges were removed (phone, friends, etc.) she was grounded. Well, later that week the girl and him has more problems and he threatened to hit her and she said that she would call the cops on him.. He then apparently went to the sheriff's office to tell them he was having a hard time disciplining her and that he had threatened to spank her but was afraid of getting in trouble with the law. The person he spoke to said that if he is married to her mother and he is supporting her he could spank, but no beat (in so many words). Well, then yesterday, these allegations come up.. I don't know exactly what she is saying he did. I don't know what to think.. I have a 12 year old daughter with this man. I'm devasted for my daughter. If he is guilty, he commited a serious offense and needs to be punished. I pray to God that this girl is just making this up and that it will all get cleared up. I hope he didn't do it, but what if he did?? From what I've seen, this girl is treated just like his own, he does just as much for her as he does for my daughter. She calls him daddy and apparently had a good relationship with him. What am I going to tell my little girl? If he did do this, I can't trust him with my daughter anymore. Bit they have an awesome relationship, she is daddy's girl and would be devastated. What if he goes to jail?? I am going crazy here. There are so many what if's.. Meanwhile, today, I called and he is still in jail waiting to go before the judge. This morning I talked to my daughter and told her that I talked with her aunt last night and that she told me about this girl running away. (My daughter is very private and never brings or takes any problems/gossip from or to her two homes) I didn't want to tell her about her dad this morning and have her sit in school all day and worry about it. I just am at a loss of what I should do to tell her and help her get through this. And if he is guilty, I have to wonder if he has ever tried to do anything to my little girl (I'll kill him if he has). I'm just rambling now, I know he loves her and would never do that. My gut tells me he is not guilty, but I can't stick my hands in the fire for him. Please pray for my little girl and for me, this is just a bit more than I can handle. My life is already falling apart.

Thanks for letting me post this, I feel a little better now that I've gotten this off my chest.

I don't really know what to say. I hope that justice is served no matter what the outcome. Maybe you should think about getting you and your daughter into counseling while you are going through this. I might help you all sort out difficult emotions. Also, it could give your daughter a neutral person to talk with about her feelings.

Just a thought.

My heart goes out to you and your family.

I wish I could know what to say to make you feel a bit better.

It might be that she hasn't any idea what she's accused him of, or that something terrible did happen. But I think your girl will have to find out sooner or later, and she's old enough to notice that you didn't tell her straight away. Would it be an idea to break it to her in small amounts? Like, 'Dad is in a bit of trouble with the cops' then a few days later, 'He might need to go into a trial' and just say 'accused of assault' or something.

I know that when I was around 15, I heard that my Dad had been accused of assult by his wife and had the cops chase him and the whole works, and had gone missing... it freaked me out, not so much the idea that he'd been aggressive, but that I didn't know what was happening and where he was. Not knowing what was going on was the worst part of that.

You know her far better than I do but 12-year-olds are pretty observant.

I will pray for you and I believe you'll find the right path, even if it's too dark to see at the moment.

It is possible that his thirteen year old step-daughter could be lying in order to give him grief because he grounded her and took away a number of her privileges after she went missing in the middle of the night and was later discovered at a boy's house. You said they had further problems after this incident and that he actually went to the police in order to discuss whether giving her a smack was legal or not. It sounds to me like this kid is in a very angry rebellious phase of her life and is possibly out of control.

It may be that she is screwing her step-father over only because he is trying to discipline her. Revenge and a desire to hurt him may be her motives. Adolescents do lie, you know, and it is because they are still very immature that they often don't realise the gravity of their actions. This man may be a victim of an angry 13 year old. We simply don't know.

It is possible that his thirteen year old step-daughter could be lying in order to give him grief because he grounded her and took away a number of her privileges after she went missing in the middle of the night and was later discovered at a boy's house. You said they had further problems after this incident and that he actually went to the police in order to discuss whether giving her a smack was legal or not. It sounds to me like this kid is in a very angry rebellious phase of her life and is possibly out of control.

It may be that she is screwing her step-father over only because he is trying to discipline her. Revenge and a desire to hurt him may be her motives. Adolescents do lie, you know, and it is because they are still very immature that they often don't realise the gravity of their actions. This man may be a victim of an angry 13 year old. We simply don't know.

And the alternate might be true, too. She may have been rebelling because he was abusing her. I think the only thing that can really be done is to support your daughter, get into counseling, and hope that the police uncover the true story. Just tell her that her father has been accused of assault and that you are going to stick by her and support her, no matter what she feels.

Sounds like revenge of an angry 13 year old, who is to immature to realize what she's done. If she's sneaking out and going over to boys' homes in the middle of the night, she is probably sexually active. Sad. VERY sad, but true. If that's true, she's aware that she can use her sexuality to manipulate a situation. If she thinks she's "in love" with this boy, and he's been made off limits by her step dad, she probably thought, well if I can't be with whom I love, neither can you and I'll fix it so you can't. She's in desperate need of mental health services. There's nothing you can do about that. But you CAN help your own daughter by talking to her as recommended above, and getting both of you some counseling. Since this is your daughters father, I would assume that she goes over to his house to visit and actually knows her stepsister. They are similar in age. Imagine your daughter's fury at her stepsister hurting her father? This could last for many years. Help her deal with the anger, the grief and the confusion. Either way, and whatever happens, she'll need you, and some professional help.

I know how you feel, it happen to my brother. His stepdaughter said he touched her. Well after weeks of the world crashing around him it came out that she was full of SH*T. She wanted her dad and mother to get back together. Til this day I don't know how my brother can live in the same house with her. That's one thing I could NEVER forgive! Just remember the truth will come out!

There was a recent case in Alberta, Canada where a 12 year old girl who had been romantically involved with a 23 year old man encouraged him to help her slaughter her mum, dad and 8 year old brother. Like Art Linkletter said, kids can do the darndest things....

There was a recent case in Alberta, Canada where a 12 year old girl who had been romantically involved with a 23 year old man encouraged him to help her slaughter her mum, dad and 8 year old brother. Like Art Linkletter said, kids can do the darndest things....

Yep, that's why I'd rather not be around them. I always wondered what would happen if your kids were smart enough to know that you really can't do anything to them, and if they were smart enough to know how to manipulate other people and the system.

I've never regretted not having any kids of my own. There are some children who I really like but when they belong to others there isn't that stress of ownership....

I've never regretted not having any kids of my own. There are some children who I really like but when they belong to others there isn't that stress of ownership....

Yep. I've always said that I'll live vicariously through my brother and his wife whenever they have kids. That way, I can hand them back when they start screeching or leaking.

Hmm. Good thing your mom didn't feel that way!

Hmm. Good thing your mom didn't feel that way!

Actually, I think she probably did. It just wasn't done back when she got married. You got married and had kids, and that was just how it was done. We've actually bonded over our mutual dislike of children.

Hmm. Good thing your mom didn't feel that way!

This is a disputable statement though I do recognise where you are coming from. You are using the argument that if my mum felt the same way that I do I would not be here at this point in time. This is true. I would not be here but so what? While my life has been and still is important to me and while it is true that I have found my life to be both interesting and entertaining the significance and value of my life really is kinda subjective.

I have not gone on to have children and so there is no genetic contribution from this source. Nor have I made any major intellectual or artistic contributions to the wealth of mankind. Few of us do.

Had my mother opted not to have children I would not have existed in the first place and therefore I could not have been robbed of anything by her choice to opt out of parenthood.

Please do not misunderstand me. I think that it is a fine thing when women who want to have children are able to have them. It's just that I feel that some of the arguments which are trotted out in order to support this position really are not fair to those women who do not want to have children. In fact I think these arguments may be kind of judgemental.

I guess I find myself an old hand at this discussion. You see, I am 58 years old, I am straight, and yet I always knew that I never wanted to marry, settle down, and have kids. I just knew that this was wrong for me. And I knew that this was true when I was still very small, long before I became a teenager.

Mariposa, I'd respectfully suggest talking to your daughter's school counselor-he/she can refer you to someone outside the school who can help you and your daughter through this experience. If your insurance doesn't cover any counseling, the school should be able to refer you to a sliding-scale fee counselor, or your church may have pastoral counseling available if you feel comfortable with that. I'd suggest that you definately approach a resource outside your family-you need someone whose only investment is your daughter's emotional wellbeing, not all the other issues involved.

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Not all women make good mothers, and it's a smart woman who realizes she won't. I appreciate green's very well thought out and well written post.