Hi all,

One of the things I haven't seen talked about much is the concept of body dissociation. Dissociation is when you "check out" of what is going on. For me pre op, I had completely dissociated from my body. I felt "this isn't my body, this isn't me, this isn't real." And I can remember clearly sitting there the day I came home from the hospital, how real everything felt suddenly. I didn't realize how much I had separated myself from my physical self. Even though the actual losing hadn't started yet, I knew then that this was the right choice for me. Anyone else felt this or is feeling it and have questions? Just though it was something worth mentioning since a lot of people I saw around online pre op didn't mention it.

I didn't experience any body dissociation after my RNY gastric bypass surgery. I remember right after surgery, it was extremely difficult integrating all the rules that I had to follow. With all the spacing between meals/liquids and vitamins, it seemed like one would need about a 36 hour day to accomplish. Luckily it got easier as I went along.

I guess what I meant more was this feeling for much of my life that my body wasn't mine, and after surgery suddenly feeling like it was again. I was really surprised how much I had pushed away and tried to "disown" my own body.

Yeah.. that was me, too. I avoided mirrors and cameras, and when I did catch a glimpse, it was something to be embarrassed horrified about.. but even then, I didn't REALLY know how big I had become. I had to see myself on a video to really understand how my internal perception of myself was so much BETTER than my actual physical form.

What doesn't help are all the people that say.. "Wow! I never would have guessed you're 300lbs! You look really good!" Because I heard that enough, without anyone ACTUALLY being honest.. that I believed it.

Now that I've lose 83lbs, I hold up my pants that I wore the day of surgery, and I'm like, dumbfounded. They are so HUGE, and they just never looked that big when I wore them.

And I'm not small now.. sitting at 16/18, I'm still a big lady. I think I now look close to what I thought I looked before. But now when I see myself in a mirror, it's ok. I'm not horrified. I don't look THIN to myself (and at 222lbs, I'm not thin).. but I look OK.

I think of my situation like a solar eclipse. At first the moon (my perception) is far to the right, then it aligns with the sun (my actual physical form), and I am what I believe. I wonder what will happen as the weight loss continues, and I get close to goal. Will the moon then travel past the sun the other direction? Or will they continue traveling in tandem?

Time will tell...

16 hours ago, James Marusek said:

I didn't experience any body dissociation after my RNY gastric bypass surgery. I remember right after surgery, it was extremely difficult integrating all the rules that I had to follow. With all the spacing between meals/liquids and Vitamins, it seemed like one would need about a 36 hour day to accomplish. Luckily it got easier as I went along.

I agree, I didn't see myself that way. I think, if I did, I never would have woken up from the "dream" and worked to get myself healthy again.

Because I didn't really believe my size.. I actually didn't get surgery based on looks at all. I got it because my health was starting to be impacted by the weight. Living with a diabetic stroke patient, I realized when my blood sugars and blood pressure had risen, that I was seeing my own future in that patient.

I primarily got surgery to prevent weight related disorders prevalent in my family from manifesting in my life. Though it surprised me as part of all of this how much I had pushed myself away from who I am. I refused to believe I could really be the size I saw in pictures. There were times I wanted to ask if people would take pictures down because of how ashamed I was. I now realize how important those pictures were. I want to emphasize I didn't do this to look better, but to be healthier. I was surprised though how little I'd heard conversation about this topic in the community and thought it might be time to open up some conversations.

I posted a picture on fb of myself the other day and it was next to someone who plays college football, 6'5" 338 pounds, HUGE guy. Of course I felt so tiny next to him but the reality is that at 4'11" and 185 I looked like I was fixin' to do some linebacking myself! lol I did not want to post the picture because I don't want to believe that is ME but the truth is - THAT IS ME. I don't want it to be but it is. This is me. I don't know if i have disassociated with myself or not. It will be interesting to think about what you have said and see how I feel after surgery.

Oddly, when I am with my husband I don't feel like it is not me. I feel like this is me and he is okay with me. But what if I just think I think like that? LOL! Don't make me think too deeply.

Congrats on your surgery and your weight lost so far! This is you and you are becoming healthier every day.

I have been thinking like this all my life. I feel like me and think like me (if that makes any sense) but then I look into a mirror while passing by or trying on clothes or see myself in pictures and it's like a slap across the face because I don't see myself as that big. That's why I avoid pictures like the plague. Last night was my husband's birthday and I can honestly say I had a great time with family & friends. Everyone was also saying how great I looked which made me even happier. I thought do I really need this surgery? And then a family member who was taking pictures all night sent me the pictures this morning and I saw myself and felt absolutely mortified thinking who is this person? That can't be me!
Yeah, I need this surgery so I can find out what being me really feels like.

Thanks, Callisto, for your encouragement and totally have had similar thoughts. I think a lot of the denial came from being at a healthy weight in the past. At 16 I was able to lose weight and be at a happy healthy place because of it. As time went on and pounds stacked up, I kept saying to myself that I was the 180 pound me, not 250 and certainly not over 300. With my weight coming down I've been able to manage and identify this better and accept how all of these changes post op are contributing to me becoming me again. I'm trying to "enjoy the journey" and not get too excited about where I will be in X amount of months, because I know every experience is different. Ultimately, I feel very lucky to have the opportunity to be myself again (even if it is 10 years later).