I'm at a total loss. I don't even know if I'm posting this to the right place, but I'm hoping some of you might be able to help. I've been researching non-stop for the last 3 days, I haven't eaten, and I have barely gotten any decent sleep. My fiancé wants to get the gastric sleeve WLS. I'm literally sick with worry about it. I don't do well with change at all and that's the main problem. My fiancé isn't hideously overweight but he is enough to qualify for this surgery. For a long time he pursued it with only rejection. So to be honest I never actually thought we would get the call from the VA saying they'd cover it, but we did. He just had his pre-op appointment where he met with the surgeon, and we are supposed to get a call tomorrow to schedule the surgery and another meeting with the doctor because he wants to see why I'm not on board with this surgery. I love my fiancé and I care about him very much, but No matter how hard I try, I can't get myself to cope with this. I'm scared he will change and I won't like the new him. A lot of this stems from a childhood trauma I had as well. I know once he gets prepped for surgery, rolled back, and even in recovery I will not be able to handle it. I'm going to be a total wreck. I don't want to see him in pain when there's nothing I can do about it. I don't want to see him struggle to keep a cup of Soup down in the weeks to follow. I'm really at my wits end with this. He won't get the surgery if I'm not on board, which isn't fair to him, but at the same time I know I'm far from okay with it. We are literally at a stalemate, if he doesn't get it because I can't handle it then we are both unhappy because he's wanted this so long and I'd hate myself for ruining it for him and I know he'd resent me as well. But if he does get it then I'm afraid I won't be able to even bear to look at him, it'd be too painful to watch him be so vulnerable. I just can't do this. And I feel absolutely awful. If he does end up getting the surgery I'm convinced I won't see him as the happy healthy guy he'll be in a year, but I'll see him as the pained sedated patient lying in return hospital bed.

It's. Not. About. You. This is about your fiancé and his health and what his doctors recommend so he can live his best life.

I understand your fears, as this is major surgery.

My wife and I are in the process of getting gastric sleeve together, within a few months of each other.

I am scared for her and scared for me.

However, we both understand the risks involved and the rewards of a healthier better life.

We are getting this done to improve our lives and to be healthy for our kids.

I would suggest counseling and therapy to work on your fears and anxiety.

You are correct about the resentments he will harbor towards you if you discourage him from getting the surgery.

I wanted to get sleeved 4 years ago and my wife was opposed to it.

I had resentments towards her for that, but now here we are trying to get it together.

You said you are afraid you won't like the new him, that very well could happen.

You could also find out you don't like him without surgery, relationships and especially marriage take a lot of work.

At the end of the day it is about him and his health and feeling better about himself.

I believe you can get on board with that [emoji4]

I'm going to be blunt because I don't feel like anyone is really adressing what's going on here.

Grow up or walk away. You're selfish and immature.
I think you hit the real issue with the sentence "I'm scared he will change and I won't like the new him. " and then proceeded to cover it up in concerns for him being in pain and struggling. I'm sure you don't want to see him in pain or struggling, but let's call this what it is. What you're really afraid of is that he will change and won't like the same old you. If you can't get over that or work on that ASAP, then you need to get out of this relationship and let him do what he needs to do because this is not about YOU. How dare you hold someone back from the possibility of a healither life because you "can't handle it" and are insecure.
In my opinion, marriage is the last thing you need if you can't cut to the chase and admit that you're not supportive because you want this to be about you.

I'm going to agree in the gentlest way possible that you've made this entirely about yourself instead of his wellness and you sound incredibly selfish.

My husband opposed the idea at first. He didn't think I was "big enough" to do something so drastic and was worried about the risks. Fair enough. After hearing me out and understanding that my motivation is to improve my health long term. He got behind it and has become my greatest supporter.

I think it's perfectly normal to be concerned!

What you described though, is beyond normal concern. You allude to a previous incident that sounded traumatizing. You seem very worried about coping with your partner being vulnerable. Honestly, as far as surgeries go, this one is pretty easy recovery wise. Getting a hip or knee replacement (for example) has a far more difficult recovery period.

You know that you need to support him because this is something important to him. I suspect the best way you can do that is to seek counselling for whatever issues are being brought up by all this. That way, when his surgery date approaches you'll be able to be there for him and be able to cope with the anxiety from whatever happened before.

@Nicole Edwards you need therapy for yourself so you can get past your issues of trauma - whatever it was. I don't see this as merely a fear of the surgery but something deeper within you that needs to be resolved. Why do you need to have him stay fat? How is his fat serving you? And people change and become their true selves. What are you hiding and clinging to?

Let him fix himself and stay out of his way. You don't get to decide this. Fix yourself and get stronger.