I'm giving special thanks that I have a sleeve. I think without it, I would have put on ten pounds these last two months. First, I had a litter of pups with a mother that didn't have enough milk, and thought simulating pups to pee and poop was not her job. Lots of lost sleep, lots of work.

That was the easy part. A good friend called me five weeks ago from an ambulance on the way to the hospital, asking me to go get her dogs from her house. Then she dropped out of sight. I had to start calling hospitals the next day to find her, only to find it that she was in ICU on a ventilator. Had to call her son in another state, found out she'd had a massive heart attack, the phone call to me was about the last thing she said to anyone. She then had a stroke, kidney failure, liver failure, Fluid in the lungs, paralysis, dialysis.... everything that could go wrong did. She spent two weeks on the ventilator. So I'm coping with puppies and buyers in two countries, trying to visit her every couple days, helping her son deal with her house, etc, and adding her dogs to my bunch. There wasn't a stress free moment.

Then after 4 1/2 weeks of hell, a day after I saw her last, she died just days after being moved to a skilled nursing facility. Alone, at 3 a.m. We had tried for weeks to get her dog in to see her (registered therapy dog, my friend visited hospitals regularly for years, her life revolved around her dogs), and she never got to see her dog again. With the paralysis, she couldn't talk, but she was in there, totally aware of what was going on. It was so hard to see her like that. Unbelievably hard.

And I'm angry at her. She was morbidly obese. She saw what great success I've had with the sleeve, she has the same insurance I have where she would have had to only pay $250 for surgery, but she just wasn't ready. Her sister died several years ago following a stroke related to uncontrolled diabetes, but my friend didn't take her meds for her diabetes. Her knees were bad so she didn't exercise. I'm angry at myself, should I have pushed her much harder to look at surgery? I don't think it would have made any difference, but that thought niggles at me.

And I'm afraid. I was morbidly obese for maybe thirty years. My friend didn't know she had blocked arteries. What time bombs is my body holding? Can I get my HMO to do the testing needed to check my arteries, and whatever else is needed? Watching what happened to her up close and personal just scares the hell out of me. That could have been me 135 excess pounds ago.

I just needed to put all this in writing. I have been so thankful these last few weeks for my tool, it has kept me from gorging myself on my old stress friends, Hershey kisses and French fries. And it gives me hope that I won't follow my friend to an early, painful death.

Her memorial service is tomorrow. I hope it really does help me with some closure, but I think that is going to take some time.

Jeanne

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Thinking of you, your friend, and her family. HUGS.