So interesting development in my ongoing struggles with grief and depression. At the advice of my grief counselor, I went to my PCP for him to prescribe Wellbutrin. In addition to a good long talk, which, of course, I cried through most of, he gave me some very interesting articles to read for "homework". One describes the history and conflict between the different psychotherapy methodologies and one about the history of the psychopharmacology industry. VERY interesting reads....the "latest" psychotherapy method basically says "Happiness is not normal" and you need to learn to embrace all aspects of life, including all the negative stuff. The second article included lots of studies and examples that disprove that any of the antianxiety/antidepressant drugs even work. I had to laugh because these articles were so "him". I am actually really good friends with him and his wife and he's always kind of been a "Life sucks and then you die" kind of guy.

Anyways, he did Rx the Wellbutrin and I've been on it for almost two weeks. Luckily no negative side effects, and maybe I'm feeling a little better...not quite so despondent. But is that my therapy, the drug, a placebo effect or just the new perspective I've found from reading those articles? I guess it doesn't matter, any improvement is a hood thing. But in addition to the Rx, he did bloodwork to check hormone levels. I'm happy to report I'm not yet premenopausal, but my testosterone is very low. Turns out low testosterone in women can cause depression, mood swings, abnormal sleep patterns, low libido, exhaustion and fatigue. Pretty much describes me to a T. One article states....."Women with low testosterone are often misdiagnosed and put on antidepressants".

So, being the science nerd that I am, I'm actually glad to find out there may actually be a correctable biochemical reason for my struggles. I will be talking to an endocrinologist to try and figure out what to do next. In the meantime I'm still going to embrace my therapy and drugs to try and get through the next few weeks. This weekend is the one year anniversary of my friend's suicide and I need all the help I can get.

First please accept my condolences for your loss. Suicide is an awful thing, and it leaves much sorrow in its wake. I hope you find the strength to make peace with it in time. Truly that's all we can do when faced with how powerless it reveals us to be.

As a fellow science nerd I just have to reply to the low T idea. Very interesting indeed! I hope you'll get some help from the endocrinologist. It may be a subtle change, but do keep us posted.

Hugs...

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I recall well, my struggle with grief and depression when my husband passed away unexpectedly at the age of 39. He left me more than 20 years ago but you never forget such a life altering experience.

Our society tells us that we need to 'fix' ourselves when we are not happy. But you shouldn't be happy when you are grieving such a huge loss. What we need is emotional support...including professional help as friends and family often are lacking for a myriad of reasons. That at least, was my experience.

I'm not saying that anti-depressants are a bad thing because they are not. I've been on them occasionally for situational depression and they helped. What I am saying is that there are times when we will be sad...and we have to just experience it and get through it.

Thinking of you @@Kindle and hoping things get better once this anniversary is in your rear-view mirror.

Thanks @@gowalking I appreciate your support and sharing your story. You're right and I'm not looking for happiness at this point. In fact, I came to the conclusion a long time ago that I know too much to ever really be happy again. Wasn't life great when we were young and naive?

It's just I've felt nothing but grief, guilt and anger for so long and time isn't "healing" anything. I am really just looking for some sort of neutral ground. I'd like to have other thoughts in my head besides the same ones I obsess over every day. Going through the motions of living when I don't want to is so exhausting.

I'm sorry for all you've had to endure as well.

@@Kindle, I am sorry to hear of your loss. I have lost a nephew to suicide, it was a stunning shock. I pray for you to get through this weekend's anniversary of your friend's death. Perhaps in the future the med.'s and or hormone therapy will help with your sense of sadness.

I have always thought your posts on this forum were very valuable and insightful and I appreciate your contributions.

@@Kindle

HUGS. I don't know the pain you are going through, but I know the pain of depression. Regardless of whether its the placebo effect or the medicine, if you are feeling more able to cope, that's a win! And when you have depression, that's a huge step. I hope that treating the low T will also help. My thoughts and prayers are with you and all you are struggling with.

pam

I suffer with anxiety and bipolar disorder so depression is a real bear i get it jedi hugs your way

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@@Kindle -- wish we lived near each other. I could take you hiking. I went on a great hike this morning.

I read an article lately, emphasizing hiking's great benefits. One of them is that while hiking in the beautiful outdoors we stop ruminating -- that endless crap that runs over and over in our heads like a hamster wheel.

About antidepressants and depression -- I've also read the research literature about antidepressants having little more than a placebo effect.

But who cares? The placebo effect can be enormous. And I hear you on the "neutral ground" comment.

It's Monday, and I'm wondering how you fared over the weekend. Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you out here in Internetland.

(hugs)

Ann

well this low T information sounds very promising! with everything else you've been through, the _last_ thing you need is to have your hormones working against you. please let me know what the endocrinologist says.

I lost a cousin years ago to suicide. I will never get over it. I can hardly even type about it now - the grief is so very deep. it is a different kind of loss than anything else. you're in my prayers. we'll be around if you need a friend this weekend and if you need alone time we'll be praying.

Thanks everyone for the support and well wishes. The weekend wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I kept busy and distracted. Saturday morning my dog, Isaac and I completed our Pet Partners Therapy Dog evaluation with the highest team qualification they have. So proud of him. Sat afternoon I treated myself to a massage. Gotta admit I took a Valium in order to shut down my brain long enough to get some sleep that night. Guess that's better than the bottle of whiskey I really wanted.

Sunday morning I got a call from my friend's widow and we ended up going for a horseback ride with their son and a couple other friends. Only the second ride of the season for me, so keeping my horse's spring fever in check and staying in the saddle took all my attention away from being too sad.

Been struggling since, but the Wellbutrin, or at least it's placebo effect has taken the edge off. That and working 12 hours/day. I start my testosterone therapy tomorrow, so I can only hope there are better days ahead. According to my PCP's wife, it worked miracles for her.

Again, thanks everyone. I'll keep you posted how the T replacement is going.

@@Kindle -- wish we lived near each other. I could take you hiking. I went on a great hike this morning.

I read an article lately, emphasizing hiking's great benefits. One of them is that while hiking in the beautiful outdoors we stop ruminating -- that endless crap that runs over and over in our heads like a hamster wheel.

I actually do hike and snowshoe quite a bit (when I'm not shoveling snow, riding my horse or paddling my kayak). I live in a gorgeous mountain valley. The Grand Tetons are literally out my back door. Unfortunately that fucking hamster wheel just won't stop spinning. I am cursed with an overdeveloped ability to endlessly obsess. Something my therapist and I are working on.

@@Kindle ... You're so lucky to live in such a place with so much gorgeous outdoors. The Tetons out your backdoor must be heaven!