So as I get closer to "goal", I have been asked by lots of people (including my therapist and NUT) what my "goal" is. Truth is, I am not quite sure. At first, I just wanted to get below 200 which was my surgeon's "goal" when I first met her at my first consultation last January (and she told me I would have to work very hard to accomplish). Then, my "goal" was to get to 27 BMI because my NUT said that was a reasonable recommended goal pre-plastics. My BMI is 27.1 so I am just about there and now considering what my real goal would be as I start considering plastics and need to be stable at my goal for at least 3 months. I suppose I have a random number in mind and that is to get in to the "normal" BMI range which for me would be about 15 more pounds. I am still losing at a pretty good rate, so I think it is doable. Yesterday, my hair guy said my face actually looked bony. I don't know if that was a good thing or not. I told my therapist I wanted to at least be in a size 12 pant and a Large tops (which honestly after plastics is likely achievable without anymore weight loss). But through this whole journey, I have tried not to get hung up on a number. Honestly... And I had a conversation with my sister yesterday that sort of confirmed that "number on a scale" thing as not being my goal.

See, my sister is super fit and always has been. I mean she works for it - taught pilates, yoga, did CrossFit, even a runner when she was 6 months pregnant. And I have always desired to be like her (she is 11 years younger than me). Every once in a while though, she says something that reminds me that even life-long skinny people are consumed with their weight. The story she tells me is she went to the dr this week and the dr was saying amazing things like "heartbeat of an athlete", "very strong abdominal wall", etc. But right before that, she had to weigh and weighed in at 148. The most she has ever weighed (not pregnant anyway). And she said "she is saying all these positive things, and all I can think about is that damn number - 148, I freaking weigh 148". She knows it is just a number on a scale but it bugs the crap out of her. (She is about 5' 7" I think so this is by no means an unhealthy weight. No telling what her body fat percentage is but I would venture to say it is well in the healthy range.) And all I can think of is, "doesn't she know how beautiful she is no matter what that scale says"? I mean seriously y'all, if I could get away with posting a picture of her, I would. She works HARD on her body and it really shows! I would give anything to look like that - except maybe work as hard as she does at it.

So, here is my lesson from this..... I want to be "normal" and "healthy" and seen as that by doctors mostly I suppose (I guess because I am so tired of being told the opposite all my life by them), but I just don't know what "normal" and "healthy" really means in terms of a number on a scale. Maybe it isn't that number that is what matters. Maybe it is BMI (though I don't really like that measure) or maybe it is body fat percentage (though I don't think those goofy scales really reflect that accurately). Or maybe, just maybe, it is when I finish that 3 mile walk without gasping for air and look in the mirror and smile and realize I did it. (But just to be clear, that will be WAY easier to do AFTER plastic surgery... ).

Research studies show that mortality rates are higher for those that are obese along with those that are underweight. It is important to have a little extra fat on the body because when major injury or illness strikes, this fat is the reservoir of energy that the body draws on until recovery. So my end goal is to maintain a normal healthy body weight a little on the high side.

For this reason I choose a Body Mass Index (BMI) of 24.2 as my goal weight. Normal (or ideal) BMI is defined as 18.5-24.9.

I chose a few goals, and went right past them with my new lifestyle....

I have found from personal experience, that after surgery I learned to eat all over again, healthier foods, small portions, and overall just not as much as I used to on a daily basis.

Add to that plenty of exercise, Water and Protein.

Just as my body gained weight and fat content because I ate poorly and too much, (did not set a goal to get fat)

My body adjusted and began to go in the opposite direction, until it decided it is where it should be, an equilibrium.

Besides, what was I going to do when I reached any goals I set? Start to eat like a pig again?

Healthy eating, exercise = normal healthy body fat % (weight)

That's my rambling on goal weight.

BTW, BMI's to me, mean absolutely nothing....there are professional athletes with high BMI's in the Obese range, but are 100% healthy because they have a very low body fat %....

And just the opposite, there are peope with normal BMI's but have a high body fat %, (less muscle,) that are just as unhealthy as someone severely obese.

I also have a hard time with a number. I lost weight before my son was born and the doctor wanted me at 135, I got there but could only maintain it by not eating. So the only place I have put a goal is on here, I chose it kinda random. I took this journey to feel better and be able to attend my son's senior football games, hes in the band. My heart and heart meds do not take the heat well, so I suffered major sweating that ended up making me sick.

Technically I have made that goal, I am actually looking forward to not living a vampire like existence this summer. I can tell you more of my Not goals.

1) I do not want to gain weight.

2) I do not want to look like a stick or sickly.

3) I do not want to be so consumed with weight or food I do not have fun.

4) I do not want to be weak.

5) I do not want to fail myself or my friends and family.

150 if that is where I feel good, then so be it, but it's just a number.

I can really relate to your struggle to find the healthy middle ground between extremes. The BMI scale, that most weight loss surgery patients are using to determine whether or not their bodies are "normal "is extremely outdated, and it wasn't vented by insurance companies. Personally, I do not see this BMI scale as an accurate representation of good health for anyone. It was done with bad science, and it was done without a completion of information. We now know that our bodies are a great deal more complicated than the simplest equations used to determine BMI, and that mortality rates are not based on this.

Like you, I have no magic number. I thought maybe that has been a symptom of feeling like I'm too far away from my suppose it goal weight, but the goal weight that I've chosen is a great deal higher than what any chart says I "should "be. That by itself does not bother me at all. But the truth is I never expected that the surgery would make me "thin." I'm only up about four months out from surgery and down 65 pounds, 80 total.

I now see that I would easily reach my first goal weight within the first year of surgery no problem. I chose the weight that I chose as a goal because it was the leanest I had ever been as a full-grown adult woman, and it was under 200 pounds. I remember that I reach that weight after losing about 100 pounds on my way there. Once there, my body was very reluctant to release any more weight. And while I'm sure it could've been forced, that is not what happened/what I did.

In the end, I sort of just want to let my body decide what is a healthy weight for it. I am learning more and more all the time how intelligent my body really is. Maybe more of us need to stop giving our power away to institutions who tell us what our bodies should be, and start trusting our bodies!