As I get closer to goal, I find myself thinking a lot about what it means to be a "normal" weight and how it's defined--by ourselves, by our doctors, by our peers, etc.
For some background, I was a ballet dancer as a child and teen, and my high school years were the only time in my life after hitting puberty that my BMI was in the "normal" range. I was dancing about 20 hours a week, but I still was pretty solidly in the middle of the "normal" BMI at about 120-125 lbs. I was always the "big" girl in ballet class. I felt ashamed that I was only 5'1.5" and yet weighed over 100 pounds. Most of my dance teachers were always trying to get me to lose weight. We had weekly weigh-ins, and roles were often given or denied based on whether or not you had lost the 10 pounds they wanted you to before auditions. I came home so many nights in tears, telling my mom that I'd been told to live on carrot sticks and Water until a performance, that she took me to my pediatrician and asked him straight out if I actually needed to lose weight or if I even had weight to lose. I remember him saying that I had a very muscular build, and to lose weight would mean losing muscle mass. Which at the time, seemed like what I was supposed to do--I didn't want to be muscular and strong, I wanted to be waifish and have collar bones and hip bones that jutted out. I did have a few great teachers who didn't hold with the BS ballet body ideals and really tried to counteract the others, but I still took a lot of the bad stuff to heart.
As you can imagine, I had some pretty effed-up ideas about ideal weight and body image, and I still struggle with it (and yes, I do see a therapist). In looking at the BMI charts and what is "normal" and "healthy" for someone of my height to weigh, I get very stressed out. I'm now 5'2", so by the standard chart, I should weigh between 104 and 135 pounds. I've set my goal at 135, but then the thoughts start creeping in... "but that's the fattest normal weight you can be," "gain 1 pound, and you'll be back into overweight status," "if you were really successful, wouldn't you be a the low end of normal instead of the high end?"
So what does the weight/BMI range signify? My gut reaction is that 104 lbs/BMI 19 is inherently "better" than 135 lbs/BMI 24.9. I suppose it's meant to encompass different body types... but what does that mean for me? what is my body type, and where should I fall on the scale? I've seen a number of people on these forums that set their goal in the middle of the normal range so that they have some wiggle room. But I just can't quite imagine that now--as a 34-year-old who has a primarily sedentary job, walks and does water aerobics a few times a week--I could possibly weigh the same that I did as a 16-year-old pre-professional ballet dancer.
Then, to throw more confusion into the mix, I've started reading about how frame size affects your weight. I measured my wrist according to the standard guidelines, and I apparently have a "large" frame (yep, that screwed with my head, too... but I guess I can't help my bone structure). So factoring that in along with my height and gender, other body weight calculators I've found (on hospital/official-type sites) give a range of 128-143 as "ideal" for me. Is this just a way to make people feel better about themselves, or is this a scientifically valid calculation?
Pretty much any doctor I've ever been to uses the BMI chart as the end-all, be-all for assessing healthy weight. If I reach my goal of 135 but no less, will every doctor's visit for the rest of my life still come with an admonition to watch my weight, because I'm right on the tipping point into fat & unhealthy territory? Because if after losing nearly 100 pounds, I still have to feel like I'm a cow who's one meal away from disaster, I'm going to be devastated!
It's so confusing and, at least for me, fraught with opportunities to fall back into my "all-or-nothing" thought patterns that contributed to my weight problems in the first place.
I was going to post this in the general WLS forum, but it turned into more of a rant than I intended... apologies for the long post.
As I get closer to goal, I find myself thinking a lot about what it means to be a "normal" weight and how it's defined--by ourselves, by our doctors, by our peers, etc.
For some background, I was a ballet dancer as a child and teen, and my high school years were the only time in my life after hitting puberty that my BMI was in the "normal" range. I was dancing about 20 hours a week, but I still was pretty solidly in the middle of the "normal" BMI at about 120-125 lbs. I was always the "big" girl in ballet class. I felt ashamed that I was only 5'1.5" and yet weighed over 100 pounds. Most of my dance teachers were always trying to get me to lose weight. We had weekly weigh-ins, and roles were often given or denied based on whether or not you had lost the 10 pounds they wanted you to before auditions. I came home so many nights in tears, telling my mom that I'd been told to live on carrot sticks and Water until a performance, that she took me to my pediatrician and asked him straight out if I actually needed to lose weight or if I even had weight to lose. I remember him saying that I had a very muscular build, and to lose weight would mean losing muscle mass. Which at the time, seemed like what I was supposed to do--I didn't want to be muscular and strong, I wanted to be waifish and have collar bones and hip bones that jutted out. I did have a few great teachers who didn't hold with the BS ballet body ideals and really tried to counteract the others, but I still took a lot of the bad stuff to heart.
As you can imagine, I had some pretty effed-up ideas about ideal weight and body image, and I still struggle with it (and yes, I do see a therapist). In looking at the BMI charts and what is "normal" and "healthy" for someone of my height to weigh, I get very stressed out. I'm now 5'2", so by the standard chart, I should weigh between 104 and 135 pounds. I've set my goal at 135, but then the thoughts start creeping in... "but that's the fattest normal weight you can be," "gain 1 pound, and you'll be back into overweight status," "if you were really successful, wouldn't you be a the low end of normal instead of the high end?"
So what does the weight/BMI range signify? My gut reaction is that 104 lbs/BMI 19 is inherently "better" than 135 lbs/BMI 24.9. I suppose it's meant to encompass different body types... but what does that mean for me? what is my body type, and where should I fall on the scale? I've seen a number of people on these forums that set their goal in the middle of the normal range so that they have some wiggle room. But I just can't quite imagine that now--as a 34-year-old who has a primarily sedentary job, walks and does water aerobics a few times a week--I could possibly weigh the same that I did as a 16-year-old pre-professional ballet dancer.
Then, to throw more confusion into the mix, I've started reading about how frame size affects your weight. I measured my wrist according to the standard guidelines, and I apparently have a "large" frame (yep, that screwed with my head, too... but I guess I can't help my bone structure). So factoring that in along with my height and gender, other body weight calculators I've found (on hospital/official-type sites) give a range of 128-143 as "ideal" for me. Is this just a way to make people feel better about themselves, or is this a scientifically valid calculation?
Pretty much any doctor I've ever been to uses the BMI chart as the end-all, be-all for assessing healthy weight. If I reach my goal of 135 but no less, will every doctor's visit for the rest of my life still come with an admonition to watch my weight, because I'm right on the tipping point into fat & unhealthy territory? Because if after losing nearly 100 pounds, I still have to feel like I'm a cow who's one meal away from disaster, I'm going to be devastated!
It's so confusing and, at least for me, fraught with opportunities to fall back into my "all-or-nothing" thought patterns that contributed to my weight problems in the first place.
I was going to post this in the general WLS forum, but it turned into more of a rant than I intended... apologies for the long post.