Hey ladies...I've found myself in an interesting, complicated, exciting situation...

Background: 36 years old, HW 374, sleeved Sept. 24, 2014 at 327. Current weight 203. In a common-law relationship 5 years.

I've struggled a little in this relationship with attractions to other men and have come close to acting on them...well I guess have crossed the line a bit, but stopped short of actually bumping uglies with anyone else. At times I feel frustrated with my partner...he doesn't talk about his feelings much even when I ask very specific questions, he sweats the small stuff so much it makes me crazy, the sex is decent, he is not able to participate in the kind of intellectual discussion I crave. I do love him very much though.,We moved to a new place far from my lifelong home 3 years ago. I have had a harder time making real friends than I anticipated, largely due to the shiftwork my job requires. The best friend I have made here is a man who works in the same general field as me, but not with me. I have had a passing attraction to him from the moment I met him. At some point in my weight loss journey I admitted as much. Our friendship has always been a very open, no holds barred type. This spring and summer we became increasingly flirtatious and then nearly did cross a line. Once this happened there was no going back. The temptation was too strong. I wound up suggesting an open arrangement with my partner, offering him a "hall pass" but not actually directly saying I wanted one. I told him I love him desperately and want to spend my life with him, and never want to betray his trust or hurt him. He declined the offer, but told me to do whatever I want, just not to tell him. Soooo, I have been enjoying a "friends with benefits" situation with my friend. It's working very well for me in terms of meeting my physical and mental needs. I am so happy, and less frustrated with my partner...but part of me feels guilty.

I guess what I want to know is have others struggled with increased confidence and energy, the surging hormones released by fat loss, and outside temptations? I'm not alone in this? Thanks.

It's a weird situation to be in... I have very good friends in long-term open relationships that work for them. Until recently it's not something I would ever have considered. It's not how I was raised, and it was just something I viewed as a recipe for misery. I have been cheated on. It's not a good feeling. Let's differentiate between having an agreement and cheating. The former is with an understanding and acceptance, while the latter is done clandestinely without the consent of the other partner. I admit I have not divulged to my partner the fact that I had someone in mind, or that I am actively pursuing my hall pass. He did tell me not to tell him, but is aware it's a possibility. I extended the same permissions to him, but he declined. The only thing is, I would prefer to know, and to have established ground rules. I won't say this hasn't caused some confusion for me, but at the end of the day I love my partner and want to be with him. I love my friend, as a friend. I enjoy the hell out of his company and just happen to be enjoying some extra benefits.

I think the original topic is how do you handle the new self confidence and pride in your physical self? And does it make you turn to a more exciting prospect outside your marriage?

Obviously it's going to be different for each person. If you have been in a relationship that isn't working, I think you instinctually turn else where. For me, my husband and I are looking forward to my renewed self esteem. When we met, I was much more self assured than I am now, since gaining so much weight. And I can't wait to feel great about myself and rekindle the romance in our marriage. It's not like it's totally gone, but I know it can be better.

But I can understand how you would feel more flirtatious and get a thrill out of being appreciated by other men... For me, I will just soak up the thrills and go home to hubbie... But I WILL like being noticed again! ????

I think it's different for everyone and every couple. Both me and the hubby are actively looking for a third person to add to our marriage but want to wait until we lose the weight of course

I hate to put it this way but you have already cheated. if you have crossed the line but stopped short of bumping uglies as you put it that's cheating. If your Man said the same would you not consider it cheating? If you want to give into the temptation have enough respect to just leave. My wife gave into that temptation and it it feels like it is killing me and it all started cause she started to cross the line but stopped short but eventually crossed that line. I would have had more respect for her if she left. no one deserves that kind of betrayal no matter what if your not happy leave don't disrespect someone when you wouldn't be ok with the same disrespect.

Edited October 19, 201510 yr by Nate74

In every relationship there are challenges and also different circumstances. What one may see as cheating may not be seen that way to another.

As far as the temptations are concerned, if it is there and you like the feeling of flirting and being noticed. SO be it. Who am I to judge you and your lifestyle. Personally, I am a huge flirt and my wife knows it. She gets it and has no issue with my exploring the menu as long as I do not order from it.

I cheated on my husband after my band, but I don't know if I would blame the weightloss exactly. I was seduced, but it was easy for him to do so because of issues that were present in my marriage already, before the band and after. I don't think this particular man would have hit on me had I been at my heaviest, though. That affair ended badly, but others followed. My husband found out. Once I had cheated, I found it so much easier on my conscience to continue to do so. We did counseling, but infedelity was off the table as a therapy topic along with all our real issues (per husband) so therapy was really a waste of time and money. Long story short, I am in a long term relationship now with someone other than my husband. My husband found out about this relationship a little over a year into it. We talked about it, and I asked for a divorce. He doesn't want one. My current boyfriend lives 800 miles away and because of his job and children, he can't move here for another 5 years. Husband said he is relieved to find out about this relationship. He wants to wait until bf moves here to do the divorce because he doesn't want to share custody of our daughter. Although he doesn't really want me in a marraige sense anymore and knows about bf he still acts resentful at times. (Other times, he is perfectly fine with everything.) It's not a situation I would recommend for anyone. Most of my friends know, but we don't really advertise our arrangement because his mother already treated me badly and it would be terrible if she knew. If I had it to do all over again, I would have divorced my husband years ago. However, then I wouldn't have my daughter. So... bf and I call our long distance arrangement our marathon, and we know it takes work. One day, though, we plan to be together both in geography and romance. This guy, for what it's worth, would have been interested in me no matter my size. That is one of the reasons I love him. He loves me for who I am, not what I look like.

If you're not happy with your "main" partner, then end it and be with the other guy. Is there a reason for not wanting to let go? (i.e., money, security, don't want to hurt his feelings) Be open and honest about what you are missing with your partner now and maybe y'all can work it out. I have never understood how anyone who truly loves another person could rest easy knowing they are out screwing someone else. Does he not have enough confidence to know that he deserves a woman of his own? That he is enough and his woman shouldn't want to be with another man? Just my opinion.

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