These were just too funny not to pass along. ENJOY THEM!!!

1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer?

2. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart than apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

14. How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?

15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?

16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you

Penni, I'll Take 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

LOL I just bought all of them for myself. ALL SOLD OUT!! Will make more later. OH WHAT FUN that will be. LOL!!!

Oh come on Penni, can't you share????? How bout just one???

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, sounding a little desperate here. Can you tell I have been single for a while?

OH OK do you want blonde, brunette, redhead, or bald? LOL

ANY will do! I'm desperate remember?????????????????

They are on the way.

Subject: Fw: Men Are Just Happier People

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a Water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Good one Penni

What is left to say? It's all sooooo true!

......And my husband wonders why I am stressed?

Okay Penni, I just read the order to DH, and he says I can have one for my Idaho apartment.

OK it is on its way. UPS Overnite delivery. lol

Okay Penni, I just read the order to DH, and he says I can have one for my Idaho apartment.

A friend just sent this to me. OMG!!!

Prepare to laugh:

WAXING

My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home fix dinner,

played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully

in my mind for the next few hours. Maybe I should pull the wax out of

the medicine cabinet.

So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom.

It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you

just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm and you

peel them apart press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes

right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?

I mean I'm no girly, girl but I am mechanically inclined enough I can

figure it out.

YA THINK!!!

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other

stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair

dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my ass. (Oh how this phrase

haunts me!)

I lay the strip across my thigh...hold the skin around it tight and

pull.

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me, I am Sheena, fighter of all wayward

body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids I sneak

back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I

drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure I apply the wax strip across the right side of

bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to

the inside of my Ass cheek (Yes, it was a long strip). I inhale deeply

and brace myself.

RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....Vision returning, I notice that

I've only managed to pull off half of the strip.

SHIT!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP. Everything is swirly and

spotted.

Do I hear crashing drums???

OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - my wax covered pelt that

has caused me so much pain. I want to revel in the glory that is my

triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip but there is no hair on it.

Where is the wax???

Slowly I eased my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the

hair..The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.

SHIT!

I peel my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body that is now

covered in cold wax and matted hair and then make the next big mistake

...

remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet.

I know I need to move to do something. So I put my foot down and then I

hear the slamming of the cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut! Ass?? Sealed

shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and

think to myself "I hope I don't get the urge to shit, my head may pop

off."

Hot water!! Hot Water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can

stand, the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off right???

WRONG!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than what is used to

torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now the only thing worse that having your business glued together is

having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub, in

scalding hot water. Which by the way doesn't melt the cold wax. So now

I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!!

I call my friend thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret

of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter, "So, my

ass and cooter are stuck to the bottom of the tub!"

She doesn't have a secret trick but does try to hide the laughter from

me.

She wants to know exactly where is the wax on the ass "Are we talking

cheeks or hole or what?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear

her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the

side of the box. YEAH Right!! I could be the joke of some one else's

night.

While we go through various solutions. I result in scraping the wax off

with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies

covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and

then dry shaving the sticky wax off!!

I then find the most beautiful saving grace.... that is the lotion they

give you to remove the excess wax. I rub some and scream "IT works! It

works! I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up. I

successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my

dismay...The hair is still there...all of it. So, I shaved the shit off.

Hell, I'm numb at this point. Then I put the wax back in the medicine

cabinet, I may have a mustache that needs work someday.

Next week I'm going to try hair color.

Terri my girlfriend sent me the Waxing one and I am still laughing about that.

Here is one my mom just sent me. She is a devout Southern Baptist lady. So for her to send me this made it all that much more funny. LOLOLOL!!

> >

> >Baptizing A Drunk

> >

> > A man is stumbling through the woods totally

> > drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing

> > people in the river.

> >

> > The drunk walks into the Water and subsequently

> > bumps into the preacher.

> >

> > The preacher turns around and is almost overcome

> > by the smell of booze.

> > Whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to

> > find Jesus?"

> >

> > "Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher

> > grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him

> > up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found

> > Jesus?"

> >

> > The drunk replies, "No, I haven't."

> > The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him

> > into the water again, but for a bit longer this

> > time. He pulls him out of the water and asks

> > again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

> >

> > The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found

> > Jesus."

> >

> > By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he

> > dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time

> > he holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the

> > drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher

> > pulls him up.

> >

> > The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love

> > of God, have you found Jesus?"

> >

> > The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath

> > and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is

> > where he fell in?"

LOL! Laughter is good medicine! Ha! Ha! All of those were wonderful thanks!

How do you titillate an occelot?

You oscillate his titalot...