I am really struggling with what on the surface seems like a superficial issue, and maybe it is. But I thought I'd ask for advice from those of you who are several months or even years out. I have decided to tell only a very small group of people about my sleeve - my family and 4 close friends from college who I trust completely and don't live in my town. However, my husband and I have a fairly active social life with friends in town and colleagues from work - people I would never want to to know about the Sleeve (for various reasons) - my story is going to be that I finally decided to get serious about my weight and am eating in a healthy way and exercising. Every single on of these people is healthy and fit, active exerciser, etc. However, our social life with these people revolves around food and drink. My plan is for my husband and I to lie low for awhile and not go out until I'm ready, and we are doing it, but to fall off the face of the earth socially is going to be really hard to sell. Here are some examples (there are many more):

1. We are going to a concert with 2 other couples 4 days before my surgery - this was a total brain lapse on my part when I said yes but it's Tom Petty, who my husband really wants to see (we're old )) so I can't cancel. We are renting a limo for transportation and going out to dinner first. I think I'm ok with the food part because I can order grilled fish and veggies for dinner, but I don't know how I"m going to explain why I'm not having champagne in the limo or wine with dinner - and I don't want to be a buzz kill for the group.

2. A couple that we see about 4 times a year for dinner has been asking us over the last few weeks when we can go out again. If we went, with this couple I would be comfortable getting fish/veggies and having only a couple sips of wine. But waiting 5 minutes between each bite would definitely be noticed. Our schedules are off until my surgery date, so at what point can we say yes to this kind of a dinner? I know they are hurt that we're blowing them off.

3. Another friend who we sometimes go away with for weekend trips with our kids wants to plan a fall weekend away -- it sounds great and fun but in order to do so without it being weird I would have to be ready to eat out every meal (again, I could eat small amounts but 5 minutes between bites, etc. would be noticed) and I would have to have a glass of wine at dinner.

I am just trying to get a handle on IF and WHEN these events could take place -- this is going to have a big effect on my husband as well and I just want to know what I'm getting into. If surgery is something I can't do without telling everyone, I really would like to know that now.

Thanks in advance!

I might have some tough Gator Tail in the freezer LOL!

His word.. 'that's a'ight, I can slow cook it, or fry it!'

Love ya, baby x

i seriously think you should stop stop wasting so much time and mental energy on what others might think or notice. really, no one cares!! you are the only one obsessed with what you eat. for real. even if someone notices, so what? shrug and ask them how their meal is.

the more you lie the harder it will be to maintain the lie. the best way to not talk about it is to not talk about it. dont create stories, just dont engage others about it.

let it go. dont assume others really care that much about what you are eating. they dont, they are too busy thinking about themselves.

Edited July 21, 201412 yr by moonlitestarbrite

I think a lot of people here have hit the nail on the head: very few people will pay attention to what you're eating or drinking. It's not a bad thing to consider your choices before you get into any of these situations though. I know I always work better when I'm mentally prepared with what I'm going to do/say in a given situation.

But one of the other suggestions was right on point (I was going to suggest it myself): can you take the food component out of some of the social gatherings? You've described your friends as being fit and active, so suggesting a hike or bicycle ride, even a walk around the park, would not be amiss. And if you're trying to live a healthier lifestyle, it's not unexpected that you'll eat differently. If they're friends, they won't question your choices.

Thanks to all the replies. I clearly didn't do a good job asking my question. But a lot of you gave me good answers anyway, so thank you!

dont get me wrong... its so important to be mindful, think ahead and plan ahead. knowing what you ate going to eat ahead of time is essential to being successful with any eating plan. i coach people on special allergy diets and its #1 on my list of things people need to do. absolutely think ahead about what you are going to eat!

but its a waste of mental and emotional energy to give a single **** about what you *think* others might be thinking about what you eat. live in your own head. pay attention to your own wants and needs. take care of yourself. what others think of you is none of your business anyway.

Edited July 21, 201412 yr by moonlitestarbrite

@@moonlitestarbrite, thanks. I'm not worried about what others will think at all, I just know that with CERTAIN groups in our social circle the way to handle things is to not go out with them until I can sit and eat (small, healthy) and have a glass of wine. And I was just assuming that I'd wait until I could do that with these types of people and not worry about it. But what I found is that when I said we're busy (for example, when dates came up that are during my pre-op), I'm being asked to pick another date that works. So I was hoping to get a ballpark of when I can safely show up to a dinner table and order a healthy fish and have a glass of wine. I really wanted this info just so I could know how far to push these people out on the calendar in terms of getting together.

Based on the responses I got, I'm thinking I could do it 4-6 weeks from surgery (safely) and so last night I booked a few things 6 weeks out or later.

I really do appreciate all the responses, this site is amazing

@@moonlitestarbrite, thanks. I'm not worried about what others will think at all, I just know that with CERTAIN groups in our social circle the way to handle things is to not go out with them until I can sit and eat (small, healthy) and have a glass of wine. And I was just assuming that I'd wait until I could do that with these types of people and not worry about it. But what I found is that when I said we're busy (for example, when dates came up that are during my pre-op), I'm being asked to pick another date that works. So I was hoping to get a ballpark of when I can safely show up to a dinner table and order a healthy fish and have a glass of wine. I really wanted this info just so I could know how far to push these people out on the calendar in terms of getting together.

Based on the responses I got, I'm thinking I could do it 4-6 weeks from surgery (safely) and so last night I booked a few things 6 weeks out or later.

I really do appreciate all the responses, this site is amazing

Ahhhhh yes, I think we all misunderstood. You weren't asking WHAT to do in that situation, you were asking WHEN could you do that situation. I think we were all scratching our heads wondering why somebody was apparently tying you down and pouring wine down your throat, LOL

Well, I certainly can't help there but being pre-op myself, you've inspired a lot of people to offer some sound advice and suggestions here for various situations. Thanks everybody

I haven't had a drink in 20 years and I'm no buzzkill! I just don't drink. My husband does and so do most of my friends. They're happy to have a built-in designated driver! Just tell people alcohol is not allowed on your new eating plan and let it go.

I'm confused as to why you would need to wait five minutes between bites of food. I've never heard of that. I just eat my puréed food in front of my friends. I don't care who knows about my surgery, it makes life very easy.

If your friends are anything like mine, they won't notice! Mine noticed the weight loss but after they had a few drinks they haven't noticed my dietary and drinking habits at all. I had my surgery July 3rd and have been out on the boat with groups 3 times, one concert, a wedding, 2 bars and yes a restaurant and a camping trip, work was a little hard because we are grazers so I just go in and look at the food and talk with people then leave, it's been interesting. I excuse myself when I need to go and drink a shake and no one is the wiser. I feel supported in my efforts and will tell them with a little time. Good luck, you can do this!

everyone is different. i couldnt eat anything like that for at least 3 months. and i wasnt supposed to have alcohol for at least 6 months. (i dont drink) but everyone tolerates food differently. you wont know until you are there.

I'm not sure that friends that make you feel like you HAVE to have a drink are really friends. Eat what you choose. Drink what you choose. Why would a fried care if it's not alcohol?