Have you also changed between the ears?

[PdxMan 4,292]

I see so many posts from folks lately upset or frustrated regarding how people regard them now. The general theme is, "Why am I being treated differently? I am still the same person I was before I lost the weight!!"

Well, I am NOT the same person I was.

Not just now, two and half years post op, but also when I started to get noticed. Yes, I had these feelings, too, early out. I understand. At first I was delighted when a woman I passed on the street smiled at me and said, "Hello". But then I questioned why this never occurred to me pre-sleeve, but as time passed, I understood that I do carry myself differently. I walk with my head held a little higher and I have a smile on my face more often. I have more confidence and perhaps a bit of a swagger in my life.

I am different.

IMO, I don't think it is fair to chastise other people for treating us perhaps a little differently when, in fact, we have changed. Not just below the ears, but in between them, too. Yes, there are weight discrimination issues out there, there is no doubt. And it sucks, big time. I don't know the solution to solving that issue, but to be upset at people for no longer treating me like I was morbidly obese just messes with my mind in an unhealthy way.

So, to the veterans out there ... I know your weight has changed, but have you also changed between the ears?

[kyllfalcon 768]

Yes, I have changed between the ears, and in a good way. Like you, I smile a lot more. I am no longer preoccupied with what people see when they look at me, or what that think when they see me. I no longer find excuses to avoid people who haven't seen me in a long time. I am no longer dealing with the physical limitations that made me uncomfortable with the slightest exertion, or the embarrassment of things like getting stuck in a diner booth.

Know what else? I can barely remember what it was like to be large. I've moved on. But I don't even regret having been large, because everything that I have done and everything that has happened to me make me the person I am today. And I like that person. And that is proof that I have changed between the ears.

[RJ'S/beginning 5,357]

I am going to reply to this even though I feel like I shouldn't...........I died in the hospital and when I was recovering for 5 months while still in there... I had plenty of time to think about my life, my usual norms and the future...who was there for me and who were not....How I was treated by so called true friends and yes even family members....

It was a heart breaking experience for me to see exactly where I belonged when things got tough for me...You see I was that kind of person that spread myself thin ( pardon the pun ) for people everywhere...If you needed something I was your go to girl.....

All the people who I was there for were not there for me and some of the things I did for them was life saving things..Not trivial crap like pick up their newspaper off the front step for them.........

I now see life very differently...In fact I am having trouble dealing with all the changes because they happened so quickly....Like I have written here before no one knows who I am and the ones that have found out want to get a good look at the specimen just to see if it is true...you know the rumors that I am so different.....

I assume that all comments are negative because no one has showed me anything else...

I was picked on, ridiculed and treated like dirt by a lot of people because of my size......I could fill a thread with my own experiences....but that is in the past....

Now that I am smaller I am not seen. And no one comes and visits me or gives me the time of day....I picked friends poorly....

I do not deserve what I get or got...but it makes no difference I suppose because I still have my granddaughter and hubby who see me as just fine..My daughter as well see me differently........

I wonder really if it is for the best or not......I decline any invitation out by these ones that did not see me in the hospital and when they say..love you...I nearly crawl into myself and want to yell at them and call them liars.....

I am now working on finding new friends and a new life one that does not include these horrible people......

Yes I have changed..but it is such a mixed bag for me that sometimes I am so up and happy and sometimes I am so sad you know because I did not have any idea who my friends really were until I needed them....

Sorry for my answer...but that is how I feel about it!

[Queen of Crop 1,103]

Wow. My response is going to be in two parts....first to answer the question....I think we are the same people, just a healthier, happier, better looking, more confident version of our old selves. I will never forget walking into the hospital the morning of the surgery and seeing about 20 obese people in the waiting room; all with heads hung low, folded into themselves, zero conversation or eye contact. These were people feeling scared, ashamed, uncomfortable. Fast forward a few months and when I went back for my check up, there was a group of post surgery people there talking, laughing, sharing success stories, dressed nicely, taking photos with the staff....yet, these were the SAME people that were there before. So we do change; we improve!

But, on to the second part....in response to RJ: thank you for being so honest and I am so sorry you had such a terrible experience in the hospital. Everyone's journey is different, but yours sounds horrific. You have every right to be angry at your so-called friends and I hope you can work through that. I did just want to say though, that there are some people who simply do not know what to do, what to say in complicated situations. It isn't that they don't care. I am a very caring friend, and compassionate person. But I cannot visit someone in the hospital; I will pass out or throw up; who knows why? I did fine on my own surgery but the thought of going into a hospital for a visit messes with my brain. But I do call or send cards. You didn't ask for any advice, but one thought is that you might just tell those you are angry with how hurt you were and see where the conversation goes? Sometimes friendships end, but sometimes fighting for them is worth the battle. Good luck to you.

[PdxMan 4,292]

Thank you for taking the time to post your answer. This is what I am looking for. We all have different experiences and journeys. My expectations and my reality has been two completely different things as it relates to my sleeved life. I wasn't ready for how people would react to me nor was I ready for how I would react.

These changes definitely happened quicker than I was ready for, but time and reflection on myself has shown me a lot of things. I can accept myself now as an imperfect being. This also means I need to accept others as imperfect beings.

As long as I have willingness to continually do the next right thing, doors seem to fly open. When I have a cynical view of life, doors seem to be stuck.

[RJ'S/beginning 5,357]

Wow. My response is going to be in two parts....first to answer the question....I think we are the same people, just a healthier, happier, better looking, more confident version of our old selves. I will never forget walking into the hospital the morning of the surgery and seeing about 20 obese people in the waiting room; all with heads hung low, folded into themselves, zero conversation or eye contact. These were people feeling scared, ashamed, uncomfortable. Fast forward a few months and when I went back for my check up, there was a group of post surgery people there talking, laughing, sharing success stories, dressed nicely, taking photos with the staff....yet, these were the SAME people that were there before. So we do change; we improve!

But, on to the second part....in response to RJ: thank you for being so honest and I am so sorry you had such a terrible experience in the hospital. Everyone's journey is different, but yours sounds horrific. You have every right to be angry at your so-called friends and I hope you can work through that. I did just want to say though, that there are some people who simply do not know what to do, what to say in complicated situations. It isn't that they don't care. I am a very caring friend, and compassionate person. But I cannot visit someone in the hospital; I will pass out or throw up; who knows why? I did fine on my own surgery but the thought of going into a hospital for a visit messes with my brain. But I do call or send cards. You didn't ask for any advice, but one thought is that you might just tell those you are angry with how hurt you were and see where the conversation goes? Sometimes friendships end, but sometimes fighting for them is worth the battle. Good luck to you.

I know I came off harsh..Not one of them even sent a card or flowers...I got cards from people that I know on face book from around the world but not one of them sent a card. Heaven forbid flowers...My entire neighborhood sent flowers..Even after I came home and was under nurses care for 5 months I did not get one card or call or anything.....

This is not my thread and I am sorry I wrote this here...Not a good thing..But I saw what was written and it brought it all straight back in my face...It is just below the surface for me and it hurts so badly I wonder if I will ever see my way out of this paper bag!!!!!

[RJ'S/beginning 5,357]

Cynical is not what I would say has happened to me in this area.......I knew it would all be different..I knew people would respond positively or not......

I did not however see the lack of friendship that happened and the lack of so called love that these people so willingly told me they felt for me....

I was a nice person.......One who gave her all to anyone who needed me.............Hurt, stunned, surprised and horrified that when this was all said and done...........I was friendless......Even some of my family did not give a dead rats tail.......

I will move on I always do but not before I truly experience the pain that it caused me and teach me a big lesson......not to just pick friends willy nilly.............

[PdxMan 4,292]

I hope you don't think I was calling you cynical. This is more how I regard other people's motivations as to how they treated me, or more, my perception of it.

For me, resentments are born from my own expectations of others. When people don't meet up to the expectations I set for them, the ugly head of resentment begins to fester in my heart. I treat people nicely, so why can I not expect the same in return? For some people, it just isn't in them. This is not my fault nor is it my fault to have chosen this person to be in my life. What I can take ownership of, though, is that perhaps I set an expectation which that person just doesn't have the capability to meet. For that, I must take responsibility for and learn going forward lest I sow the seeds for another resentment.

[RJ'S/beginning 5,357]

I hope you don't think I was calling you cynical. This is more how I regard other people's motivations as to how they treated me, or more, my perception of it.

For me, resentments are born from my own expectations of others. When people don't meet up to the expectations I set for them, the ugly head of resentment begins to fester in my heart. I treat people nicely, so why can I not expect the same in return? For some people, it just isn't in them. This is not my fault nor is it my fault to have chosen this person to be in my life. What I can take ownership of, though, is that perhaps I set an expectation which that person just doesn't have the capability to meet. For that, I must take responsibility for and learn going forward lest I sow the seeds for another resentment.

Yes you are right.....They did not meet my expectations of being human beings.....Sorry just how I feel....As I go on I will chose more wisely and find people who are different from them...I really have already...I have some people on here that I consider friends......

I have no intention of drowning in self pity over this....They are not worth it...But for now it is like pulling a band aid off an open wound....Just below the surface............

I also take responsibility for thinking that friends are there for each other...I was wrong on that account as well......

People have told me that I survived for a reason....freaks me out when it is said to me!!......Maybe it was just to see how much I could learn about the human spirit before I died...... lol

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I am blessed that I have friends who helped me through this transition. I didn't lose friends, my family was supportive HOWEVER, my life has in many ways been turned on end. i like to think of it that I the real me is now showing through rather then being buried. I also make my own health a very high priority these days.... other things get neglected if need be...

I have been told that i am much friendlier, more approachable and basically just have a high level of positive energy - it ATTRACTS people! I surely look better too, and get attention from the opposite sex, but that is a secondary thing. I am no longer invisible - to both men and women.

I feel no resentment about it - I like myself better this way so no wonder others feel the same way.

Having said all that, it hasn't always been easy. I am no longer willing to settle for things in life that simply do not support my good mental, emotional and physical health. That caused some big changes. I am going through a great deal of inner change.... I am turning 50 this year, empty nest, single.... it is a time of deep reflection about what the next 30 years look like so to speak.

My weight is no longer a reason to block me from ANYTHING. This means trying new hobbies, being confident in new social situations - considering even career changes!

[2Big2Skate 328]

PDx - I definitely am changing upstairs. I used to loathe leaving the house. I'd get home after work, exhausted, and you'd have to set the house on fire to get me to leave it. I hated being seen and besides that the effort to do anything was enormous. I didnt realize how much of a labor everything had become until I lost weight and I noticed myself volunteering for chores and taking the family out for no reason at all.

I'm working on looking people in the eye and holding my head high. I'm striding confidently and moving quickly though. And I smile a lot when I talk to people. I haven't bought new clothes yet so Im still a little embarrassed. I think once I pimp some new threads, I'll be meeting the world on my terms in every situation!

[RJ'S/beginning 5,357]

PDx - I definitely am changing upstairs. I used to loathe leaving the house. I'd get home after work, exhausted, and you'd have to set the house on fire to get me to leave it. I hated being seen and besides that the effort to do anything was enormous. I didnt realize how much of a labor everything had become until I lost weight and I noticed myself volunteering for chores and taking the family out for no reason at all.

I'm working on looking people in the eye and holding my head high. I'm striding confidently and moving quickly though. And I smile a lot when I talk to people. I haven't bought new clothes yet so Im still a little embarrassed. I think once I pimp some new threads, I'll be meeting the world on my terms in every situation!

Gets some new duds will you...for Pete's sake!!!!!!!!!!!LOL

[RJ'S/beginning 5,357]

My husband told me to erase everything I wrote on this thread tonight..He said no one wants to hear what it was really like to be reminded of the hard times we experience in our fight to be thin and no one really wants to hear the deeper stuff that people deal with on a day to day basis...Or what we go through, the good the bad the gains and losses...

Is he right? Is the fact that what has changed between my ears is something that is different then the norm...That I see things entirely different then others who have learned to find a new path and follow that with renewed spirit....Because of what I went through it is harder for me to see the benefits of all the new, when I lost so much in the journey it is hard for me to look past all of it and go forward with glee and total renewal of strength and wisdom and happiness at the new and improved me.....

Was it better to know what I learned about people and myself..or would it have been better to have never known what this cost me... I will never know that answer because I can't go back..it is too late to hide from it or pretend it did not happen...

All I am left with is facing it, dealing with it and then putting it its rightful place and moving on into the future....A better stronger me...This is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life..The highs have been so high and the lows so low.

So do I erase what I wrote because not many would understand it..I don't know!?

[JeanZ_RN 378]

NO, don't erase. Your comments are always enlightening. My heart goes out to you for all you've been through and I admire the person I've gotten to know a bit through this site. You go, girl!!

It does give me a twinge every time I read "Sorry, I shouldn't say this but..." in your posts -- I wish you could accept that your feelings are your feelings and you are entitled to them no matter what!! And that some of us want to hear them!!

[It's all new 453]

My husband told me to erase everything I wrote on this thread tonight..He said no one wants to hear what it was really like to be reminded of the hard times we experience in our fight to be thin and no one really wants to hear the deeper stuff that people deal with on a day to day basis...Or what we go through, the good the bad the gains and losses... Is he right? Is the fact that what has changed between my ears is something that is different then the norm...That I see things entirely different then others who have learned to find a new path and follow that with renewed spirit....Because of what I went through it is harder for me to see the benefits of all the new, when I lost so much in the journey it is hard for me to look past all of it and go forward with glee and total renewal of strength and wisdom and happiness at the new and improved me..... Was it better to know what I learned about people and myself..or would it have been better to have never known what this cost me... I will never know that answer because I can't go back..it is too late to hide from it or pretend it did not happen... All I am left with is facing it, dealing with it and then putting it its rightful place and moving on into the future....A better stronger me...This is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life..The highs have been so high and the lows so low. So do I erase what I wrote because not many would understand it..I don't know!?

I don't think it's bad to share that there can be major 'costs' to the surgery that people might never imagine. If it us helpful to talk about what is going on, you should. Sharing what happened can be really cathartic. I think that a year from now, and even two years from now you will have much better perspective on the experience. By then, the dust will have settled and you will have had time to establish some new friendships, for example. The huge highs and lows will have settled a lot, and life will seem more manageable. It is a hard journey for folks without major complications... just the tincture of time can be very healing.