:help: I am sorry to report that I still have issues with my mother. I wonder if any of you Bandsters out there have similar issues. Mom is:

1) hyper controlling

2) makes comments that are inappropriate and demeaning

3) says things like, "you can't expect me to change. Just tell me to quit it."

4) after being told not to discuss my eating asks, "ok, now WHAT did YOU have for dinner?" innocently smirking

I am 57, working with a therapist and struggling. The problem is that I have always been a "good" girl and taken care of my mother.

I am also a loving mother. If my sons asked me not to talk about something I would be grateful they told me and respectful not to mention whatever it is. That is how I show love to them. Not my mom.

I know that every family has it's crazies, but I was hoping to find a way to insulate myself and not cut her off, but the fat didn't do it, my voice isn't heard by her, so do I say, "stay away?"

I'll read any help that is sent my way and share your mother stories here. I need to heal. My weight issues started with really early programming from mom.

Any one else in my boat??? :cry

My mom would do the same thing...she liked to tease and get my goat, especially in front of people so she could make me upset and then laugh about how *sensitive I was. It never ended. I mentioned lap band a few times and she told me I was nuts...that people died from that, etc., and I would never be right again, etc. And she was the same weight as me, probably higher BMI and blood sugars over 300....and gave me a hard time about starting on glucophage...she wouldn't even acknowledge her diabetes. It was frustrating, and I had to distance myself from a lot of the criticism and barbs. It was a long and difficult struggle and I like you was a "good girl" who did what was expected.

The thing is, last November she had a hysterectomy and I took care of her at the hospital while my brother and his familiy went to Hawaii and her husband went back home the day after surgery...brought her home and all was well...then four weeks later she got a DVT (blood clot) and fell flat on her face and died....didn't know what hit her. No goodbyes....no "I'm proud of you" afterall, no nothing. But you know what...I *choose to believe she loved me, was proud of me and just didn't know better. I miss her desperately and would do anything to have her back. My life is forever changed because of her....I don't remember much of the negative stuff anymore, I remember that we loved each other and she was always there for me...even if it was to nitpick me. She just wanted me to be better.

Appreciate your mom while she's here, because when she's gone, she's gone and you'll never hear another word. I think you are lucky to have your mom...you are 57 and she's still kicking (screaming lol). I'm 43 and my mom was the kingpin of our family and now she's gone and there's nothing to hold it together. We'll have a new family when my kids marry and have kids....but there's always going to be the void. Appreciate the continuity you have. Appreciate your mom for who she is...even if she's harsh, you have to have a built-in filter to get rid of the junk. I remember I'd just give my mom a blank stare, like "you can't get to me even if you try" and I'd just laugh right back at her for how ridiculous she was.....and she got it.

Sorry if this seems like I'm lecturing...I guess it's just been building...it will be 4 months this Friday that she's been gone and sometimes I forget and think I can just pick up the phone or go 5 miles up the road and take walks through her herb garden with her after supper.

I know this issue is immature. I know I need to grow up and get over it. I know it in my mind, yet it still affects me and my choices. That is why I aired it. Of course, I love and appreciate my mom. I'm happy she is alive and kicking. It has helped banning her from comments about food, choices, etc. Amazingly, it has freed me up to work on myself and my own headgame.

I'm sure the abuse she dishes out was done to her. My sister was buolimic and my brother escaped at the age of 18 and is a veggie. So it isn't my imagination. Mom can be plain mean.

Now, I am the principal child with my mom. She moved 20 minutes away from me. I am lucky she is busy going places and doing things. I also know that I can't allow her to interfere with my journey because it blocks my progress and I deserve a healthy life. When she dishes her stuff, I react like I did in my childhood and eat to protect myself. Help!

Any ideas how to explain these needs so she will hear them and control her comments?

O2Bthin - I understand the pain of loss. I really try to enjoy every minute with her, knowing our days are numbered. When a special person dies you do remember all the great stuff between you. In a way it is a healing process. My husband, the love of my life, died in 2000. He was only 52. All the stuff that was problematic when he was alive, vanished after death. Now there isn't a day that passes that I don't remember something special about him. It sounds like your mom was special too. I hurt for your loss.

But with the living the force of mom is here and now. In therapy I've been peeling the onion, getting to the core of my dysfunction and mom is the middle. It is like she is inside me, which makes the love I feel phenomenal and the pain I feel all the greater. The impact is visceral. So the idea of "growing up" is nice on paper, not so reality based inside me. The only way I will grow up is by taking charge of my health, and perhaps insulate myself with supportive people until my will is strong and full blown.

It might be the same for you. Best wishes,

This may sound very silly---and I am not at all familiar with the situation you are in. If anything, I can only hope to be as supportive as my Mom.

Would it work for you to be just a little rebellious? Keep a secret. Guard that secret CLOSELY!!! She cannot know about your band---and then when she dogs you over food, you can secretly smile to yourself---because you know something she doesn't. Eventually the band itself will help you with the eating to insulate the feelings. And you have everyone here to share the secret with, As time goes on and the weight comes off, you will have to find a new secret, same as she will have to find something new to pick on.

I had similar issues with my ex husband, I finally figured out he hated if he thought I knew something he didn't. So when he would say something, that I knew was just the start of a tirade, I would very slightly smile, or make myself look like I was trying not to smile---it infuriated him, because I would not tell him "what?". Eventually he refused to talk to me about important things, because I refused to speak. Inside I was imagining my life without him, and him nagging someone else! I know you don't want that---but divorce was my salvation. I just thought the same mind set may help you.

I hope you get some answers with experience! Good Luck!

Kat

Dyno, I'm sorry if you read what I said an interpreted it as "you need to grow up" because that's not what I felt I did in my own life. Maybe I did? I felt like I had to protect myself and my family, and I did that best by just filtering and not responding. A counselor told me to pay attention to the behavior I wanted to increase. The rest just turn a deaf ear to. Just look polite (haha) and then delete delete delete. Don't respond. Just go "hmmmm" when she talks. A "hmmm" like it's interesting and you'll think about it...probably NOT. I don't know if that will help you but it helped me. I knew my mom's problems were just that she was unhappy herself. It was totally useless to try to talk to her because she was defensive and always shut down.

My counselor (he was wise man) also told me that I should picture the criticisms and remarks as an elephant sitting over my shoulder...a pretend one...and ask myself if because someone told me I had an elephant sitting on my shoulder, did that mean I had one? I know that's a weird way to put it, but I think it represents a burden.....if your mom says you have a problem with such and such, are you willing to accept that burden (which really belongs to her)? I hope that makes sense...it worked for me.

I'm sorry you're going through this....it's not right...it's abuse. The best thing you can do for yourself is break the cycle...it stops with you.

Kat817 - Yes, I considered that. But I decided to tell her because i would want my sons to tell me. The karmic thing. I will have to cut her off from food talk, band talk, and her trying to "support" me. I already told her this that I don't want to hear anything about food or weight from her, positive or negative (bc she can't tell the difference). I know she loves me but she is nuts about dieting, food, and weight herself. My whole family has or had eating disorders. Now, however, being the principal child, I will just have to find my way through this.

Thanks for the support,

O2BThin - Thanks, I loved the elephant on the shoulder analogy. It is abusive, so much better when mom isn't talking sh-t about me, eating, food, or the band. It really affects my relationship with her and my eating.

If only I could just ignore, redirect, etc. I don't seem to be able to do that yet. I am working toward that, however. I think I need the space between her comments and my ears. I will have to put the fence up between us again, with very direct words. Like if you want to spend time together you will have to not talk about food, my band, or my weight. I'd done that a year ago, and she backed off enough for me to deal with my issues. It really helped. There is a part of her that really doesn't want me to change my lifestyle. I won't be poor Michelle with the weight problem any more. Oh my.

Thanks your words mean so much to me,

This may sound very silly---and I am not at all familiar with the situation you are in. If anything, I can only hope to be as supportive as my Mom.

Would it work for you to be just a little rebellious? Keep a secret. Guard that secret CLOSELY!!! She cannot know about your band---and then when she dogs you over food, you can secretly smile to yourself---because you know something she doesn't. Eventually the band itself will help you with the eating to insulate the feelings. And you have everyone here to share the secret with, As time goes on and the weight comes off, you will have to find a new secret, same as she will have to find something new to pick on. Kat

Kat, I cringe to think of the next thing she'll find to pick on. It will probably be about finding a man. I do already have a perfect retort to that because after my dad died, she did nothing to date or hook up. So, let 'er rip. Thanks for the support.

Your mom sounds like mine. I am not banded yet; in fact, I'm in the very beginning stages of the procedure. All I did was mention that I went to a WLS support group with a friend, and my mom made a disparaging remark about how she saw a show on TV the other night about WLS but she changed the channel because she knew I wouldn't be stupid enough to do anything like that. Obviously her comment was bogus--she didn't 'just' see a show on TV--that's a ploy she uses all the time--and her dig about me being too smart to go through with WLS means I will keep the procedure a secret from her as long as possible.

I am 51 years old and cannot for the life of me understand how parents, especially mothers, can continue to try to screw with their offspring's minds. One good thing that came out of having such a dysfunctional upbringing is that I treat my kids (22 and 18 years old) as adults and don't over-control their lives. Not that I'm a perfect parent, but I got that part right :clap2:

Oh, and regarding a man in my life. I have been divorced for 8 years, and I have a male friend who I've been seeing for the past 3 years. It is a totally platonic relationship--he is the best friend I've ever had. But for whatever reason he doesn't want to get married or live with anyone and I accept that. My mom, however, is convinced he is gay (which he's not) and whenever his name comes up she says "I think he's gay." She also doesn't understand that we're just friends and makes disparaging comments about him being a cheapskate because sometimes he pays, sometimes I pay, sometimes we go dutch. Most of the time I ignore her comments, but it's the predictability of them that frustrates me.

Oh Linny,

The meanness, where does it come from? It is a triumph that you have raised your kids differently. I helps the healing process but did not seem to fix me inside.

I am pulling back from my mom and I don't want to hear any more about my surgery or what I am eating. I'm sure she'll have "hurt" feelings when I don't involve her that day, but I don't want or need any negativity. I will invite her over when I feel energy and confident after surgery. She was a nurse for God sakes, with the bedside manner of Godzilla. Our age is similar and we have been damaged by the unrelenting disparagement, but we can choose to have a healthy life. I finally am feeling that I deserve to have a healthy life. It has taken 57 years, mom may not be able to adjust to my changes, she doesn't really want them, who will she pick on? Me, someone else suggested that she'll find something else. That, I can handle. It won't trigger all the half century of food grief.

Best wishes and keep in touch,

Michelle

Michelle

Michelle,

Thanks for starting the thread. As I stated in the other thread I also have issues with my mother. A common thread I see is we where the good girls for our parents, always trying to get atta girl or a pat well done. I liken my relationship with my mother as like a relation with a friend that always brings you down. I stay away often. I love my mother and long so much to have a "Waltons" closeness but she is very high maintence and it is tiring. It does not matter what I do for her someone elses daughter did it better or bought more expensive one etc. The irony of all this is she is a wonderful person to everyone else. I am to much of a wimp to stand up to her!!

I stopped talking to my mother several (10+) years ago because of this. I send her cards and gifts, but I can't talk to her. Nothing anyone does is right. My SIL and I used to have a game when I'd leave the room as to how long it would take my mother to bring up my weight - even when I would lose it she'd HAVE to say something, lol.

Keep her at a comfortable distance. She's not going to change but you also don't need to be subjected to it.

What's funny is because of this, I'm very close to my stepmother and other friend's mothers

Scarlett - I think we have the SAME mom. Nice to everyone else, but horrible to us. I am a wimp too. I am working on my backbone tho, it is the only way I can survive and thrive. We deserve a healthy life and I guess I'll have to give up on a mom that loves me the way I love. That's another reality.

FurEllie - I loved your story about your SIL and your bet. I know my sis and I talk about it, but sometimes she joins the enemy, so I have to be careful. Thanks for your story.

There are some good books out there-- ones about emotional vampires, etc. I do not have a good relationship with my own mother. She is the one who tends to be overly sensitive. And because I have a mild case of Aspergers and I am pretty low empathy I always did think it was my fault. But then when I got engaged she sort of flipped out. All this stuff about how I was abdoning the family because we got married in Vegas (everyone was invited and I offered to pay her portion) where instead I was supposed to offer to let her throw us the wedding we didn't want so she could say no and then let us throw our wedding or somethign... not logical. And because my inlaws gave us some money toward the wedding (because they could afford to) that means I'm evil. I've traded up families in the world because my mom is poor. And its all my fault she is poor... you see I have been manipulating her since I was a small child. It goes on and on. I could forgive how she was abusive to me growing up but what really hurts is when I realised she wasn't ever going to be the mother I wanted. Because she has all this anger and restentment and Hurt-- just tons of hurt directed at me. She is mentally ill. But she can't begin to accept that she has the problem and she never will. Now I can't break off my relationship with her because of a sibling of mine who needs me. But I can and do work on my boundaries. Its this wierd slippery ground. I no longer engage in "trying to talk it all out" because that never ever works. If she becomes insulting and inapropriate on the phone I remain calm (its very hard) and I tell her thats not acceptible. She usually then hangs up. I don't call her back. I see a good therapist. In the past few years I have had the oppertunity to see healthy families in action. I worked as a babysitter for this great family were it wasn't a dysfunctional mess. And my inlaws seem pretty put together and stuff too. They aren't perfect and they get on my nerves at times... but they are a lot more supportive of my than my own family. Seeing other families and experiences has helped me trust myself. So when I say my family of origin is messed up I know its true. When I say its not actually me I know that is true too. And knowing that has helped me with those boundaries, with selecting my battle scenes so to speak. And one favorite phrase of mine is "I'm sorry, but I can't help you with that."