I want to talk about one of the most disgusting things I know of in 21st Century America: THE CONDITIONS THAT EXIST IN NURSING HOMES.

My father-in-law died after a 8 year stay in a nursing home in 1995, my step-father died after a 6 year stay in 1999 and my mother-in-law is in a nursing home for 3 years now.

These people were and are being abused by being deprived of the most basic of care; food and Water.

Let me digress. During the last year or so of my father-in-law's stay, my Wife, Tina and I were often visiting both her father and my step-father on the same day. We noticed on a few occasions that nurses would duck away from us. Curious as to why, we made it a point to see who was avoiding us. We found out that at my step-father's nursing home, it was nurses we knew from my father-in-law's home and vice-versa. These nurses were working full-time jobs at both homes. The homes were not affiliated in any way.

Add it up, if a person works two 40 hour a week jobs and makes sure that she has different days off on each job, she still has to work both jobs on 3 days each week. If she works an 8 hour shift plus 30 minutes off for lunch, and if it takes 30 minutes to get to her first job, 30 minutes to go between jobs and 30 minutes to get home, that only leaves 4:30 for washing, getting dressed, getting undressed and sleeping.

My step-father's home was in one borough (Queens) of NYC and and my father-in-law's was in another borough (Brooklyn).

The problems this causes are immense. Today, I called a Nursing Home advocacy group in NYC, because my mother-in-law is in the hospital in serious condition and I wanted to check on the advocacy group's rating of my mother-in-law's nursing home. As soon as I said, my mother-in-law was in the hospital, the advocacy group phone rep asked, “Urinary Infection?”

How did she know? She said she could not answer, but when I suggested the reason, she agree with my assessment. The nurses are too tired to change the resident's diapers regularly, so they withhold water, juices, Soup, lettuce (salad), fruits and Jello, anything consisting mainly of water that would cause urination more often.

I do not want to come off as anti-nurse. Nurses, by and large are the unappreciated backbone of the medical profession of the United States. Low pay and over-reaching for the American dream have caused many nurses to overextend themselves financially and time wise.

My father-in-law was physically abused by attendants who always claimed he fell out of bed. Black eyes are not “falling out of bed” injuries. The problem of physical abuse makes the news every so often, but this hydration abuse is much more prevalent and may be killing our parents and grandparents.

My wife has been crying all day. She only got back from a two week stay in NY last week and she is heading back again next week, right after she sees her cardiologist. We live in Florida where nursing homes are terrible, so we can't even think of bringing her here. But in NYC, which is supposed to have better quality nursing homes, things are falling apart.

It looks like my brother-in-law may have to hire a private nurse to come in and make sure my mother-in-law gets food and water, and gets her diapers changed. She has Alzheimer's, as did her husband. My step-father was a multiple stroke victim. Both of the men had constant urinary infections. My step-father was in a home that cost him $93,000 a year. He was not doing it on the cheap.

We have the same problems with the nursing home industry up here in Canada. Some are pretty good and some are not.

A few years back there was a family who suspected that their relative was being abused by his facility. Though the old man was bed-ridden and had advanced senile dementia he also had an array of inexplicable bruises. They installed a nanny-cam in his room and caught instances of terrible physical abuse on video tape. This made the news of course and people were charged with criminal offenses.

My own father was kind of lucky. He was able to spend his last months while he was dying in an institution which also served as a rehab centre. This meant that the environment was a not altogether joyless place for either the help or for the visitors. My mum was able to find much emotional relief during her long sad vigils at my father's bedside through chatting with the rehab gang.

My cousin's wife, who is a nurse, said that my family was lucky. She commented that we should all be saving up our money to ensure that we get good care in our final years.

With respect to my mother, arrangements had been made for her to go to a very pleasant retirement facility. My two brothers and I had been anxious to see her in such an environment for the truth was that although the woman had a fine set of intellectual marbles she was becoming physically more delicate and we were concerned about this. We didn't like to see her living on her own.

She did not want to live with us and a retirement facility would allow her to have her own private crib. We all, including my mother, liked the idea that there would be Stuff To Do in the way intellectual stimulation and friendships to be made. It was unfortunate that my kid brother died almost immediately after my mum decided to move. Less than two months later, only short weeks after my mum had moved into this splendid facility, she seemingly inexplicably shifted from being okay and with us - indeed she was the linch pin of our family - to crashing into a health crisis and then dying not long after.

The details of my mother's death are too complicated to go into here. Certainly the events took the entire family off guard. We were left puzzled and bereft. My brother who is a doctor did comment that it was better that she died quickly than survive and be consigned to months in a nursing home.

And now Green is engaged in another elder crisis. Her FIL has been having health issues for quite awhile now. He had his first heart attack when he was in his late 50s. He was a teacher and because teachers are a unionized and well-protected profession up here in the frozen north he was able to retire with a generous and fully indexed pension + health benefits.

His problem was that as he became older the meds that he required for one of his physical issues had the side effect of creating other problems which in turn needed meds. In his 70s he ended up with a pharmaceutical induced Parkinson's disease.

He is now in his late 70s and although he has been in need of some physical assistance for some time now, his younger and very strong wife has been able to deal with this - even though this has been stressful for her and for their children.

Since Christmas there has been a sudden decline in my MIL's health. He has had for awhile now the tendency to trip but it seems that he is falling over far too often for his wife to handle. She is a powerful woman but she is in her early 70s.

And so the question is, what to do? A lot of people don't like to spend money. My own mum didn't. When my MIL suggested that she wanted to have certain handicap-friendly facilities - the tall toilet, the safety bars, a walker, canes, etc - installed in their house, the old man freaked. And when her doctor suggested a live-in old man(ny) nanny, one from off-shore, and proposed a young fellow from the Philippines whom she knew about and who was looking for work, the MIL was resistant. He didn't want to be looked after by a man! Too humiliating, eh. Indeed, this old man is suffering and so is his wife; there are issues of money and humiliation at play here.

These are complex issues for these people, my in-laws, are actually worth a lot of money but they are land rich, income restricted. These are also individuals who were marked by the the recession and the Second World War. Their psycho-socio-emotional connection to money is quite different to that of the following generations. This is not a profligate generation; they are uncomfortable about easy spending, even when it is on themselves. (This is why it took Green and her brothers such a long, long time to convince their mum to move into a retirement facility.)

It may also be argued that this was a generation which did not believe in victimology. They were, and here I will use sound bites, folks who believe that you make your own luck, not folks that believe that shit happens. They were more pro-active, and self-responsible. They were embued with the spirit of their era. (Now, as to the ultimate value of this, well, the debate belongs to a different thread, I think.) Thus these individuals, our old folk, are 'not going to go gentle into that good night,' or so my loose quotation of Dylan Thomas's poem goes.

So here's the deal: up here in Canada you can sponsor a care worker from a third world country to look after your kids, your handicapped who are living at home, or your old folks. These people live with you. You sort this out with the government. If all works out well you have a very lovely individual who lives with you and your family for two years and who becomes a fine and valuable member of your home. Everyone benefits, the new kid learns the ways of his/her new country, and you have not paid the break yer financial back fortune that you would have had to have paid had this option not been available.

This is what Green and her Signif Other had thought that they had seen put in place last Sunday.

this whole Nursing home discussion is so sad... The thought that someone could abuse and elderly person by withholding food or drink just so they did not have to do their job of changing the persons diapers... that is unaceptable. I am sick at the thought and sad for all those people that have no other choice but to be in a nursing home.

I

this whole Nursing home discussion is so sad... The thought that someone could abuse and elderly person by withholding food or drink just so they did not have to do their job of changing the persons diapers... that is unaceptable. I am sick at the thought and sad for all those people that have no other choice but to be in a nursing home.

I have cared for some of my elderly relatives after stroke or other illness and I am so thankful that I was able to do that for them and not have them go to one of these dreadful places. Unfortunatly that is not an option for all families and I think that everything possible should be done to improve the living conditions for these people.

More awareness needs to be mad of these unacceptable conditions.

Yep, it is a complicated and sad issue. My MIL now has a very, very pleasant young man living with her. It appears that my FIL may need to be in a home, however, and my MIL is anxious to be a good host to her new live-in home care worker. This is stressing her out still further.

Both my husband and my MIL are in a state of grief. And of course my FIL is not doing well. He is in sad shape physically speaking and he has suffered some loss of his intellectual and emotional faculties but not enough that he is anywhere near being unaware of his current status. This family is in a state of crisis. This is not unusual for our times.

Green it is not unusual for our times, but it is still shocking when you're the one having to go through it.

I don't know how we improve the situation. I know there are some things that can be improved today, but to change the whole system is a tough one.

The caregiver and the families of people who are declining and who are no longer self-sufficient, go though so much that they sometimes have health problems as a result of the stress.

My heart goes out to you and your family. I've been through it, I have a good idea of what you're dealing with on a day to day basis. Sometimes each day is worse than the last. Death and dying,, and poor medical care during the process, is sometimes almost unbearable. But of course we have no choice but to do the best we can.

Yep, it is a complicated and sad issue. My MIL now has a very, very pleasant young man living with her. It appears that my FIL may need to be in a home, however, and my MIL is anxious to be a good host to her new live-in home care worker. This is stressing her out still further.

Both my husband and my MIL are in a state of grief. And of course my FIL is not doing well. He is in sad shape physically speaking and he has suffered some loss of his intellectual and emotional faculties but not enough that he is anywhere near being unaware of his current status. This family is in a state of crisis. This is not unusual for our times.

My heart goes out to you and your family.

Thanks, folks.