Yesterday I had an experience that caused me very real hurt and anger. Here's what happened:

I recd a letter from my father-in -law who lives in another state and who is single and fairly elderly. It was just a note to tell me about something rather inconsequential; at the end there was a PS saying "good luck with your operation".

Well, since I don't plan on any surgery other than lapbanding, I concluded that this is what he meant. However, I had no plans to anounce my surgery to anyone other than my very closest family and friends and certainly NOT my Father in Law! I suspected that my husband had told him.(I confronted him the second he walked thru the door upon getting home from work, and it was him).

I know you are probably wondering why this was so upsetting to me and frankly, I was surprised at the fury and betrayal I felt. I was beside myself- of course we had a screaming fight. My husband just kept saying that if I had wanted it to be a big secret I should have told him. Any comments???:think

A simlar thing happened to me, and I was a little upset for a while. I was visiting my oldest friend recently and while I was there her mom called. My friend was outside so I answered the phone. Her mom has known me since I was a child and our relationship is great, but I was a bit surprised when she said "so, I hear you're having surgery?" I'd told my friend about it, but I was pretty surprised she'd felt free to tell her mother!!

Then in thinking about it I realized a few things: a) there was nothing I could do about it now, the information was out; my friend had not been told to keep it a big secret, so I couldn't be mad that she shared a piece of pretty interesting news with her mom; c) anyone who knows and who actually mentions it to me is only doing it because they CARE about me.

That's hard to absorb, that last item, but it's really true. No one who has mentioned it has had anything but good wishes for me. Now there is someone else in my family who I know has been told by a third party, and who has so far not said anything to me. I'm trying not to think that's because she doesn't care, and rather it's because she thinks I don't know she knows.

Bottom line, it's not something to feel sad, bad, or angry about unless you actually asked your husband to keep it to himself. It's only an operation and the end result will be better health for you. Would you be as sensitive if the operation were, say, the removal of a cyst? Your family members love you and care about you and I'm sure your FIL was sincere in wishing you good luck, so that's the spirit to take it in. You might even be glad that he did--would you rather that the whole family knows about it but YOU think they don't? I'm not saying your husband did you a favor, but your FIL did in letting you know it's not a secret anymore. There's always a bright side.

Thankyou Alexandra! I appreciate your insight. My DH and I did have a long chat later in the evening and I explained that his insensitivity really hurt me. He explained that he was just seeking reassurance from his dad that all would be well and that nothing terrible will happen to me.

I think I had thought that he was telling his dad that I was going to have wls- and now at last I would become "normal". You see, although we seldome see my FIL, he sees us on videos we send and I have gained ALOT of wt since our wedding 13 yrs ago. I know that this is an intense embarrassment for my DH, so it makes me over sensitive, almost irrational.

Anyhow, thanks again for your kind words.

I'm glad my thoughts helped! When is your surgery? I still haven't told my in-laws and it now occurs to me that I should ask DH if he has, hmmm? :laugh

Earlier I was thinking about whether it's the sort of thing that bears a phone call on its own or if I should just wait until an opportune moment arises. We see them so seldom, though, that it might not come up at all until I've lost 50 lbs, and then they might be hurt that I didn't fill them in beforehand.

Hmmmm... what to do, what to do... :ermm

So true what you said Alexandra....they care if they say something....now...in my situation, My In laws ( athough they are better classified as out laws to me!) found out from my sister in laws boyfriend who invited me to stay at his beautiful home for all my appointments in Chicago...Vince and I had many heart to heart talks and I felt safe telling him. I talked to him about the insensitivity of my husbands family (his girl friend is my husbands sister) and how they have been just God awful to me about gaing weight and I did not want them to know.....In fact this is how I am greeted (even though I do not see them anymore than I have to which is not too much!) well they say...holy cow have you gotten FAT! You look terrible and so on and so forth.....no hello no how are you...just go spear the whale.....they are very ignorant people....so I do not let then bother me too much but when I was down already on myself they did not help me feel any better I tell you, even though I knew the source from where it was coming it still hurt cuz I was hurting!Well NOT ONE said anything to me at all (not yet even!! LOL).....not one fricken word.....actually pissed me off they couldn't even say how are you? or good luck or anything....but I know they never cared in 20 years and they never will...they are all cold, selfish people the whole family ( yes including my husband, and that is another long story !) but you hit the nail on the head when you said that about them caring for you if they wish you luck or offer some warmth other than silence or resistence;) !!

I know that Vince was telling them because he really cared and wholeheartily wanted them to care....but he has not been around enough (actually they act so cool for him because he has a lot of money...sickening! I was very wealthy growing up and nothing makes more sick is plastic people!) he hasn't seen how they have treated me....or he hasn't seen their true colors....He is so nice and I tried to tell him to run from my sis in law and in laws and find a woman that could truly love him and not be cold and selfish....but her beauty is blinding.....but in the end I see misery and I like him too much! Oh well

Enough rambling.....just felt soo good to get this off my chest:D

Dawn

I haven't had a 3rd party talk to me yet, but I'll be interested to see if it happens. EVERY person I told about my surgery, I told them FIRST that I expected them to keep in confidential and not tell anyone. I also explained that it's nobody elses business....I will tell who I want when I'm ready. SO you see, I'm waiting to see who "leaks" the information first!

I've come to decide that others don't think of this as such a shame/big deal as I do. I think it's just my perception that everyone will think of me as a failure, when they really don't think that at all. Everyone I've told has been so excited for me (or at least they act that way). We'll see when I go back to work if the gossip mill starts......ugh!

Ugh, Dawn, what a drag! I used to be married into a family like that, I know how awful it is. Such poison is SO unnecessary, and really puts a pall on life.

Thanks Alexandra......

I love the sound of....used to be.....sweet sounds to my ears:D !

I have had 20 years too many with them and their son....no hate, but life is too short for such ignorance and coldness!

I have a long road ahead of me in many areas.....and I look forward to the journey and where it will lead!

Dawn

Hi, I did not tell my parents and I am 6 days post op and still don't plan on telling them.In fact I only told 1 of my 3 children.I am a private person and only share certain things.My family knows this and are used to this and if they did hear I had the surgery they would probably not even ask me about it they have learned to respect my privacy.

Gosh! Thanks to y'all for replying to my thread. It makes me feel much better to know that we all can help each other.

Freebutterfly- your situation sounds so stressfull- sorry! I will shoot a little prayer heavenward for you. What an awful bunch of people. You show em how gorgeous you are going to get!

My husband asked me how much this surgery would cost if we paid cash- I estimated around $18 000- he was STUNNED! I added that in Mexico I could have it done for around $7000 and he said No, not there. We will see how adamant he is if my insurance denies me- then I will show him this website and all the great info. I bet he will change his mind!

I know exactly what you mean. Last weekend I went to dinner with my wife and some friends. A couple friends were late so I went outside to call them. When I got back to the table I was greeted with "well we hear that you have a band". My wife felt free to discuss it in spite of the fact that I wanted it kept personal. I've always felt it was my decision on when and whom to tell. Like you I feel betrayed and very angry. I am slowly coming to grips with the reality of being "outed". I usually use the serenity prayer at time like this

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference."

I've definitely experienced this. When I first decided to have surgery, I only told a few people. Then I was about to tell another friend, and she was like--Oh, Person X already told me.

Of course, I felt really upset and hurt that Person X had told anyone else. But when I questioned her about it, she told me that she didn't realize I wouldn't want our other good friends to know--she just assumed that since she was so happy for me and proud of me, that I'd want our other good friends to know. Once I understood where she was coming from, the anger faded away.

Janeen

Before I had my surgery I made it very clear to my wife that I did not want her to discuss it with ANYBODY. The only people who know about my surgery are my wife and my doctor.

I didn't mention it to my parents since I didn't want them worrying. I also felt that I had absolutely nothing to gain by mentioning it to family and friends.

Did you make it clear to your husband that you didn't want him to mention your operation to anybody or did you just expect hm to use common sense ?

I too didn't want anyone to know about my band. I told my kids, ages 22 & 19, two days before the surgery. The only other people who knew were my two best friends and my boyfriend.

I especially didn't tell my family as I didn't want to here their comments or have them worry or have to explain myself.

Anyway, my house is the "hang out house." With both boys home from college and a big pool and backyard all the kids are here practically everynight. Many of them I know since they were little.

Well about 3 days post op it became very clear that a signifcant number of the kids new.

I immediately knew that my older son blabbed! I was so annoyed and embarressed. But as the days went by it became apparent that the kids had already forgotten about it, couldn't care less, didn't think about it, as it wasn't important to them.

Then the funniest thing happened. My younger son's college roommate came to visit ...he lives 1500 miles away. When he came in I asked him how he was and how were his parents. He replied, "my mother just got home from the hospital yesterday, she had weight loss surgery." I guess it isn't as big a deal as I made it.

Lori

I really did not want certain people to know. There have been a few people in my life who have not been "safe" for me. In the past I have felt hurt by some things they did. So I told a few people. Husband, kids, mom, and siblings. Then I reminded them of what those few did. Then told them it was not their job to tell them. I told them if they were worried about me to talk to each other. Then I explained the band and how hard I would need to work with it.

They all agreed with me. I did suspect my husband of telling his folks, but then his mom was so excited about the "class I took" in San Deigo. I almost blew it. Asked her what class? The lies I told are going to haunt me!!!LOL She is so happy I can now do IV threapy!!! Well I have to remember why I did not tell and what it means to me.

I know I will tell everyone. But I want it to be me who tells.

Thanks for all the posts in this thread. I love it.

Susan

I did suspect my husband of telling his folks, but then his mom was so excited about the "class I took" in San Deigo. I almost blew it. Asked her what class? The lies I told are going to haunt me!!!

LOL! That's exactly why I can't tell even white lies. I know I'd get tripped up!