I've finally decided to write down how I feel, and it was NOT a fun time.. I'm 8 days post op down 13 ish lbs, and overall doing pretty good, but my mind is being torn into places I have never imagined. I've spent basically 1/3 of my life being obese, since I was maybe 13-14, and I TRULY HONESTLY don't know how I got here. I know some people say that to cover up a habit or an obsession but I swear to all that is holy I do not remember how this STARTED. I remember being "normal" at 13 and then I remember being "big boned" at 15 and I remember being 225-250lbs at 16. I hit puberty VERY early, between 9 and 10, and shortly after I developed huge boobs. Sorry to be blunt but I was 10 with a B cup and they've never stopped growing. Aside from the busty chest I wasn't big anywhere else. My family didn't have money to eat out, it would almost only be on special occasion. My mom would work nights as a cook (a damn good one) and my dad would work until 5 or 6 as a well driller, so when my mom left at 3 she would either have supper started or to the point where it just had to be put in the oven. And when I say she was a good cook I mean the kind that could make you cry. She ALWAYS had balanced meals, fruit, veggie, meat. A few typical meals would be spaghetti, green Beans, and watermelon. Or roast, potatoes, carrots. Or steaks(we are huge grillers), baked potatoes and asparagus. We weren't picky kids, aside from not liking onions or spicy food or little preferences like that. My mom is tiny, she's 52 and a size 7. She wears bikinis and looks smoking hot. No cellulite no stretch marks, she's gorgeous. My dad is the picture of health, aside from genetic thyroid problems and some hearing loss. He's maybe 180lbs and ripped. My sister was borderline anorexic through high school maybe tipping the scale at 150 when she was pregnant. And my brother got chubby about the same time that I did, but has since lost all extra weight (due to drug issues) and is "normal". We didn't have much money for Snacks in our house either, fruit was always accessible and vegetables were usually grown fresh so we had plenty. Every once in a while there were potato chips or pop tarts or Cereal but these things were eaten for Breakfast and only breakfast. It's just what you did. When wed get home from school we'd have a snack, an apple, a fruit snack, a bowl of chips, something. But never to the amount of excess because it just wasn't allowed. We regularly had pop available to us but my mom would only buy 2 liters so we had enough for maybe a glass a day for 3 days and then it was gone for a few weeks. School lunches I ate what was given and never took seconds (couldn't afford it), which were the basic meat veggie fruit bun milk lunches. Anyway, my story could go on forever but the point of me telling you this is because I just don't UNDERSTAND how I got this way, when MILLIONS of children had my exact upbringing and are of "normal" size.

I had the sleeve surgery to help with weight loss. I had lost weight on my own before, but never enough to make a difference, to make me healthier, to get pregnant. So I got the sleeve as a TOOL to help me relearn to eat. I am 100% positive that once I get to a manageable weight I could get rid of the sleeve (impossible I know) and be a-ok for the rest of my life and stay on track with a healthy lifestyle. I have developed a hypo thyroid due to genetics, as well as PCOS, and high blood pressure, no doubt due to my weight. So for me, losing weight isn't as easy as those without the thyroid issue. No I am not blaming my thyroid but it is a big part of the problem!!!

Since having the surgery I lay awake for 40-48 hours at a time and search (this forum) for foods like French fries, starburst, ice cream, and I try to reason and investigate why I got to where I am. I am completely closed off with the world. My husband has only known me as obese, my family is just as confused as I am as to why I got this big, and my friends love me no matter what but of course they're all stick thin so I don't bother venting to them. I am made sick at night thinking about WHY I had to resort to the sleeve. As happy as I am, WHY was this my only option? WHY couldn't I lose weight like others? WHY did I have such extreme options when it came to getting healthier.

I need a friend. I need someone who can help me come to grips with WHY this decision HAD to be made (and I do believe that it HAD to be made). This is my last resort. I support the sleeve and I believe in it but how do I go on living my life with half a stomach and continue to have confidence in myself when I couldn't even lose weight by myself? I had to cut myself to pieces because I COULDN'T DO IT.

Sorry for the long rant, hopefully someone will read this ridiculously long post and feel the same way I do. And maybe offer some support.

SW: 324 DOSW: 322 CW: 311 surgery date-7/10/13 Sent from my iPhone using VST

I was fat and I tried everything else thr sleeve is a blessing!

Your original post struck a chord with me because I often find myself very frustrated with my body. I promise you, I don't eat nearly enough to weigh what I do. I can eat 1200 calories and not lose weight. Heck i haven't lost a lb in 10 days of very strict 800 calorie post-op! I go out with friends for dinner, and I eat half my food. My skinny friends eat all their food and then finish mine. And at the end of it, they look gorgeous and I look fat.

It's very very unfair and I know I need to get over it, but I haven't.

I am hypothyroid but it's controlled my meds. I have RA but its mostly controlled. There is no earthly reason why I can't lose weight and I've tried everything. I hate it.

I'm a grown-up, I get life isn't fair. In fact, I have been very fortunate in the rest of my life, and I know many others must envy some of the things I lucked into, but this weight thing over the last 10 years, that I didn't luck into.

So yes I admit, I am resentful about it and find it extremely unfair. But what can you do eh?

RE: Slider foods and restriction.

I realize that a lot of people find that some foods slide right through and they are able to eat a lot more of the things that are considered bad. It's kind of like with the hair loss issue. A large majority lose hair.

But not everyone fits the same mold. For me, there are no slider foods. Everything fills me up. Nothing slides, drinking while eating does not make the food flush right through. When I first joined this forum the consensus to most of the things I posted about eating was that as soon as I was properly healed I would discover that I was stretching my sleeve and that I would never lose weight if I continued to eat as I pleased rather than follow a specific diet set out by a professional.

I do appreciate the good intentions, but you cannot lump everyone in the same category. I don't have anything close to a stretched sleeve. And now it's having to worry about what happens in 2 years? I don't think so. I eat what I choose, lose weight at a reasonable pace, and simply will not spend half my time worrying about what may happen. What kind of life is that? It won't be my life. There has always got to be someone that wants to throw in the what ifs, the warnings, the implied disgust that some of us are negligent sleevers. I do appreciate the words of wisdom but let us remember that each individual is different and we cannot put each other in a one size fits all category. I think it's great that some people are very determined to stick to a diet plan and make it a lifestyle. I wish you the greatest success. It would be great if everyone was wished success no matter your personal opinions. I say that I will continue to have success in the manner I choose and in 2 years I will still look great. PS: I never set a goal weight and won't be doing so. This is a wild ride and where ever I land will be fine by me. Lets all be secure enough with ourselves to offer support without being negative towards anyone else's choices.

Thank you for posting this. I know I'm only 10 weeks post op and I don't have all the answers, but I do know myself. I've been seeing a therapist for quite a while now in order to get to know me better . I am a food addict - it really doesn't matter what the food was, I loved the taste, the comfort, the feeling I would get from overeating. I have never successfully dieted because if any food is off limits, that made me obsess about it more until I ate it and ate it .... Overeating was my issue.

I had the sleeve to break that cycle and help my addiction. Now, I can't overeat to get my "high". Every food gives me restriction (some more than others) but I haven't found any food that slides right through my sleeve, including Water. Now, I don't really have any food that is "off limits" or "bad". If I want a taste of pizza (or ice cream or whatever) , I have a TASTE (a small bite or two) and that is enough for me. I know some on this forum will yell at me for eating this way but for me, this works. My therapist agrees with this because I've always had the mentality that this food is good and this food is bad. And if I eat this bad food, then I'm bad - which just makes me want to say screw the diet and the cycle continues. Post sleeve, I don't obsess or crave what I can't have because I know that I CAN have it, just limited amounts, if I choose to eat it. But now it's my choice to eat this food in moderation or that food in moderation. I'm in control and I'm satisfied now with a taste. And I don't "evilize" any particular food.

Others may find that completely elimating certain foods is best for them - I am not going to judge them or tell them that is wrong. And I'm not saying that my way is going to work for everyone else. It works for me right now. Down the line, I may adjust what my food plan based on my journey at that time. But in 11 weeks (1 wk pre-op, 10 weeks post-op) I've lost about 50 pounds and have been successful so far. I really don't need others on this forum telling me how "bad" I am for doing what is best for ME. That's what got me to 244 lbs in the first place - feeling like I'm bad because I ate this or that, or because I'm fat, because I don't deserve to he happy, healthy, etc. Labeling people, judging them, how is that really helping?