I've finally decided to write down how I feel, and it was NOT a fun time.. I'm 8 days post op down 13 ish lbs, and overall doing pretty good, but my mind is being torn into places I have never imagined. I've spent basically 1/3 of my life being obese, since I was maybe 13-14, and I TRULY HONESTLY don't know how I got here. I know some people say that to cover up a habit or an obsession but I swear to all that is holy I do not remember how this STARTED. I remember being "normal" at 13 and then I remember being "big boned" at 15 and I remember being 225-250lbs at 16. I hit puberty VERY early, between 9 and 10, and shortly after I developed huge boobs. Sorry to be blunt but I was 10 with a B cup and they've never stopped growing. Aside from the busty chest I wasn't big anywhere else. My family didn't have money to eat out, it would almost only be on special occasion. My mom would work nights as a cook (a damn good one) and my dad would work until 5 or 6 as a well driller, so when my mom left at 3 she would either have supper started or to the point where it just had to be put in the oven. And when I say she was a good cook I mean the kind that could make you cry. She ALWAYS had balanced meals, fruit, veggie, meat. A few typical meals would be spaghetti, green Beans, and watermelon. Or roast, potatoes, carrots. Or steaks(we are huge grillers), baked potatoes and asparagus. We weren't picky kids, aside from not liking onions or spicy food or little preferences like that. My mom is tiny, she's 52 and a size 7. She wears bikinis and looks smoking hot. No cellulite no stretch marks, she's gorgeous. My dad is the picture of health, aside from genetic thyroid problems and some hearing loss. He's maybe 180lbs and ripped. My sister was borderline anorexic through high school maybe tipping the scale at 150 when she was pregnant. And my brother got chubby about the same time that I did, but has since lost all extra weight (due to drug issues) and is "normal". We didn't have much money for Snacks in our house either, fruit was always accessible and vegetables were usually grown fresh so we had plenty. Every once in a while there were potato chips or pop tarts or Cereal but these things were eaten for Breakfast and only breakfast. It's just what you did. When wed get home from school we'd have a snack, an apple, a fruit snack, a bowl of chips, something. But never to the amount of excess because it just wasn't allowed. We regularly had pop available to us but my mom would only buy 2 liters so we had enough for maybe a glass a day for 3 days and then it was gone for a few weeks. School lunches I ate what was given and never took seconds (couldn't afford it), which were the basic meat veggie fruit bun milk lunches. Anyway, my story could go on forever but the point of me telling you this is because I just don't UNDERSTAND how I got this way, when MILLIONS of children had my exact upbringing and are of "normal" size.

I had the sleeve surgery to help with weight loss. I had lost weight on my own before, but never enough to make a difference, to make me healthier, to get pregnant. So I got the sleeve as a TOOL to help me relearn to eat. I am 100% positive that once I get to a manageable weight I could get rid of the sleeve (impossible I know) and be a-ok for the rest of my life and stay on track with a healthy lifestyle. I have developed a hypo thyroid due to genetics, as well as PCOS, and high blood pressure, no doubt due to my weight. So for me, losing weight isn't as easy as those without the thyroid issue. No I am not blaming my thyroid but it is a big part of the problem!!!

Since having the surgery I lay awake for 40-48 hours at a time and search (this forum) for foods like French fries, starburst, ice cream, and I try to reason and investigate why I got to where I am. I am completely closed off with the world. My husband has only known me as obese, my family is just as confused as I am as to why I got this big, and my friends love me no matter what but of course they're all stick thin so I don't bother venting to them. I am made sick at night thinking about WHY I had to resort to the sleeve. As happy as I am, WHY was this my only option? WHY couldn't I lose weight like others? WHY did I have such extreme options when it came to getting healthier.

I need a friend. I need someone who can help me come to grips with WHY this decision HAD to be made (and I do believe that it HAD to be made). This is my last resort. I support the sleeve and I believe in it but how do I go on living my life with half a stomach and continue to have confidence in myself when I couldn't even lose weight by myself? I had to cut myself to pieces because I COULDN'T DO IT.

Sorry for the long rant, hopefully someone will read this ridiculously long post and feel the same way I do. And maybe offer some support.

SW: 324 DOSW: 322 CW: 311 surgery date-7/10/13 Sent from my iPhone using VST

There are plenty of people who get lung cancer and never smoked or liver disease and never drank. I have personally taken care of many extremly healthy athletic patients who were terminally ill. My point is you could be a health nazi all day long and still end up with some castrophic illness or problem. We do not need to punish ourselves for being overweight. Not productive or helpful. No one is perfect. Striving for that kind of perfection sets you up for sabotage. This is a new way of life not a jail sentence.

I completely agree thus what I was trying to say. Not the best with words. My bad.

SW: 324 DOSW: 322 CW: 309 surgery date-7/10/13 Sent from my iPhone using VST

I think you are expressing yourself and your feelings very eloquently. I think too, that in time you will be able to express and indulge in your passion for cooking and food, as you say, in moderation! Cooking is an art form and food can be more than just sustenance. My advice is to take it slow. When I first started back on solids I really enjoyed trying each new bite, as though I had never eaten it before, even though I had, of course. I thought it must be what babies experience, the delight of a new taste! So try not to feel down about you decision to have WLS. Think of it as a new beginning and a new opportunity to rediscover and experience food in small amounts. Also you may find that your taste for certain types of food will change and evolve. I always enjoyed fish and seafood pre-op and salads too, but now I LOVE that stuff. Used to love rice but now it makes me feel crappy. I love and crave hummus now, liked it before too but not that much. Still love bacon and always will but now I just eat two pieces instead of six. You don't have to deprive yourself of all pleasure when choosing what you eat. But you do have to try to get your Protein and Water and supplement in the required amounts in order to maintain your well-being. Good luck and hang in there. You are doing great!

pre-surgery weight 325; surgery date 2/28/2013; surgery weight 307; 8 weeks past-op weight 281.4; 12 weeks post-op 274; 4 month post-op 266.2; 5 month post-op 262.6

I need a friend. I need someone who can help me come to grips with WHY this decision HAD to be made (and I do believe that it HAD to be made). This is my last resort. I support the sleeve and I believe in it but how do I go on living my life with half a stomach and continue to have confidence in myself when I couldn't even lose weight by myself? I had to cut myself to pieces because I COULDN'T DO IT.

Why does "why" matter so much? And who here is going to judge you for not being strong enough to do it on your own and having 85% of your stomach cut out? Isn't this why we we all had it done? Wasn't it the last resort for most of us? i proved I can lose 50 lbs without weight loss surgery, I did it preop and I did it years before. what I can't do is keep it off on my own. the sleeve gives me the advantage now. I won't let anyone tell me i'm weak or took the easy way out because that's simply ignorant. Don't let anyone (or yourself) tell you that either.

We're YOUR people and we get it, so keep us around maybe!

RE: Slider foods and restriction.

I realize that a lot of people find that some foods slide right through and they are able to eat a lot more of the things that are considered bad. It's kind of like with the hair loss issue. A large majority lose hair.

But not everyone fits the same mold. For me, there are no slider foods. Everything fills me up. Nothing slides, drinking while eating does not make the food flush right through. When I first joined this forum the consensus to most of the things I posted about eating was that as soon as I was properly healed I would discover that I was stretching my sleeve and that I would never lose weight if I continued to eat as I pleased rather than follow a specific diet set out by a professional.

I do appreciate the good intentions, but you cannot lump everyone in the same category. I don't have anything close to a stretched sleeve. And now it's having to worry about what happens in 2 years? I don't think so. I eat what I choose, lose weight at a reasonable pace, and simply will not spend half my time worrying about what may happen. What kind of life is that? It won't be my life. There has always got to be someone that wants to throw in the what ifs, the warnings, the implied disgust that some of us are negligent sleevers. I do appreciate the words of wisdom but let us remember that each individual is different and we cannot put each other in a one size fits all category. I think it's great that some people are very determined to stick to a diet plan and make it a lifestyle. I wish you the greatest success. It would be great if everyone was wished success no matter your personal opinions. I say that I will continue to have success in the manner I choose and in 2 years I will still look great. PS: I never set a goal weight and won't be doing so. This is a wild ride and where ever I land will be fine by me. Lets all be secure enough with ourselves to offer support without being negative towards anyone else's choices.

RE: Slider foods and restriction.

I realize that a lot of people find that some foods slide right through and they are able to eat a lot more of the things that are considered bad. It's kind of like with the hair loss issue. A large majority lose hair.

But not everyone fits the same mold. For me' date=' there are no slider foods. Everything fills me up. Nothing slides, drinking while eating does not make the food flush right through. When I first joined this forum the consensus to most of the things I posted about eating was that as soon as I was properly healed I would discover that I was stretching my sleeve and that I would never lose weight if I continued to eat as I pleased rather than follow a specific diet set out by a professional.

I do appreciate the good intentions, but you cannot lump everyone in the same category. I don't have anything close to a stretched sleeve. And now it's having to worry about what happens in 2 years? I don't think so. I eat what I choose, lose weight at a reasonable pace, and simply will not spend half my time worrying about what may happen. What kind of life is that? It won't be my life. There has always got to be someone that wants to throw in the what ifs, the warnings, the implied disgust that some of us are negligent sleevers. I do appreciate the words of wisdom but let us remember that each individual is different and we cannot put each other in a one size fits all category. I think it's great that some people are very determined to stick to a diet plan and make it a lifestyle. I wish you the greatest success. It would be great if everyone was wished success no matter your personal opinions. I say that I will continue to have success in the manner I choose and in 2 years I will still look great. PS: I never set a goal weight and won't be doing so. This is a wild ride and where ever I land will be fine by me. Lets all be secure enough with ourselves to offer support without being negative towards anyone else's choices.[/quote']

Marching to the beat of your own drum still I see!

The poster child of "what not to do" while I chose not to smoke, drink soda, eat anything, not think about Protein ect....

I do wish you success!

And I'd say your on your way! 5 months 35 pounds? Good job.

People supporting everyone without negative opinions? Wouldn't THAT be something. I can give a big f you to people who wanna try to cut me down. Everyone who's been sleeved knows how ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING this process is. Surgery is scary no matter what, but a 2 hours surgery topped with months of PRE surgery and months of healing, and truly never being "the same" again? Anyone who can submit themselves to that is ALREADY strong. I've been attacked for even asking questions about OTHER people's cheating, I haven't even thought of cheating yet because fricken Popsicles hurt still!!! So who are these 3 year veterans to judge me and say because I WASN'T self pay that this surgery does mean as much to me?!?! HOW DARE THEY. I started pursuing this surgery in January of 2012. I had to see a nutritionist for 12 months and lose a considerable amount of weight, I had to see a psychologist for 6 months and have my brain and insides picked apart by a judgmental stranger. I think the world is full of hateful, vengeful, and rude people and what better place to find them than hiding behind a keyboard? If they're so insecure with their AMAZING weight loss than go ahead and cut other people down, but in the long run, your the one who will die alone because you've alienated yourself from every friend you had.

Note: no one on THIS blog has been so harsh but I woke up this morning to multiple personal messages from some HATEFUL people and I'm speaking out for all the people who've been attacked!!!!!

Thanks to those who HAVE been supportive. When I'm laying on the bathroom floor wanting to polish off a bottle of Vicodin, YOUR the people who are going to lift me up and brush me off.

SW: 324 DOSW: 322 CW: 309 surgery date-7/10/13 Sent from my iPhone using VST

Note: no one on THIS blog has been so harsh but I woke up this morning to multiple personal messages from some HATEFUL people and I'm speaking out for all the people who've been attacked!!!!!

Thanks to those who HAVE been supportive. When I'm laying on the bathroom floor wanting to polish off a bottle of Vicodin' date=' YOUR the people who are going to lift me up and brush me off.

SW: 324 DOSW: 322 CW: 309 surgery date-7/10/13 Sent from my iPhone using VST[/quote']

I'm sorry to hear that you received horrible pm's

Are they coming from this forum?

If they are, I would suggest that you report the member (s). That is not ok.

I'm sorry to hear that you received horrible pm's

Are they coming from this forum?

If they are' date=' I would suggest that you report the member (s). That is not ok.

[/quote']

Yes they are and I have reported them and I'm hoping that solves the problem because I live by the forum. I would hate to lose it.

SW: 324 DOSW: 322 CW: 309 surgery date-7/10/13 Sent from my iPhone using VST

Yes they are and I have reported them and I'm hoping that solves the problem because I live by the forum. I would hate to lose it.

SW: 324 DOSW: 322 CW: 309 surgery date-7/10/13 Sent from my iPhone using VST

If that doesn't solve the problem please let me know via pm, I have ways of bugging those that are in charge here..

If that doesn't solve the problem please let me know. I have ways of bugging those that are in charge here..

I will gladly

SW: 324 DOSW: 322 CW: 309 surgery date-7/10/13 Sent from my iPhone using VST

People supporting everyone without negative opinions? Wouldn't THAT be something. I can give a big f you to people who wanna try to cut me down. Everyone who's been sleeved knows how ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING this process is. Surgery is scary no matter what, but a 2 hours surgery topped with months of PRE surgery and months of healing, and truly never being "the same" again? Anyone who can submit themselves to that is ALREADY strong. I've been attacked for even asking questions about OTHER people's cheating, I haven't even thought of cheating yet because fricken Popsicles hurt still!!! So who are these 3 year veterans to judge me and say because I WASN'T self pay that this surgery does mean as much to me?!?! HOW DARE THEY. I started pursuing this surgery in January of 2012. I had to see a nutritionist for 12 months and lose a considerable amount of weight, I had to see a psychologist for 6 months and have my brain and insides picked apart by a judgmental stranger. I think the world is full of hateful, vengeful, and rude people and what better place to find them than hiding behind a keyboard? If they're so insecure with their AMAZING weight loss than go ahead and cut other people down, but in the long run, your the one who will die alone because you've alienated yourself from every friend you had.

Note: no one on THIS blog has been so harsh but I woke up this morning to multiple personal messages from some HATEFUL people and I'm speaking out for all the people who've been attacked!!!!!

Thanks to those who HAVE been supportive. When I'm laying on the bathroom floor wanting to polish off a bottle of Vicodin, YOUR the people who are going to lift me up and brush me off.

SW: 324 DOSW: 322 CW: 309 surgery date-7/10/13 Sent from my iPhone using VST

I am sorry that you have received messages that are not supportive. This journey is a personal one and each of us has to find our own way. Hopefully we will encounter others who will inspire and offer support to us on our way but the bottom line is that we have to find our own path to success. There are many people on this forum that are positive, optimistic, brave, and nurturing, but as with any "community," there are the "others." Find yourself some of the many positive voices on this forum and hitch your wagon to those people for your personal journey. You will be fine, ignore the nay-sayers.

Sorry Shelby & those people are terrible! Do not let these people get to you! YOU are here for YOU & NOT them!

Keep your chin up & please stay on the forum.

HUGS

I didn't start gaining weight until I moved out on my own at 18. From there, I packed it on like eating was going out of style. I don't know why; I think I'm just a glutton. But I'm on my way to losing it and keeping it off. "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger" and all that jazz...maybe it took becoming obese to put into perspective the fact that I wasn't obese as a teenager. I thought I was; I fretted about it, dieted, and never was good enough for myself. Now I look back and wish I could slap some sense into teenage me.

First I am sorry the op has received such negative comments for opening up to this forum. I appreciate what you say whether I agree with everything or do not. The journey for everyone is different, some take the straight path and some do not.

I was overweight my entire life except for the several times I lost 50-100 pound and always gained it back. When I was working out, I rationalized that eating a budget and fries or having a piece of cake or something unhealthy was ok because I was so active. When I got hurt and was not exercising I continued to eat like I did when working out. Of corse, I gained back everything I lost.

I don't feel like I am depriving myself by not eating the foods that got me to over 300lbs. I am cutting out and changing those triggers because have wls is my tool for success. I don't know the age of some of the posters, but I have more days behind me than I face and want to spend those days healthy for my wife and family. My indulgences are flavored almonds ( brown sugar, praline, maple, etc) but never more than 12 which I mix into my yogurt. Have I had a sip or bite of something my wife or family is eating? Sure, but I have inhaled all of my food and mine as well. I am choosing a path that works for, and I am 85 lbs down 5 months post-op. Good luck to the op on your journey and Sharon it is nice to see you back again.

I was fat and I tried everything else thr sleeve is a blessing!