Well, I still have a long way to go until I hit my first true goal, which is my lowest weight with the lap-band being 214. However, I had my revision surgery on September 17th. My start weight was 312, Surgery Weight 293, Current weight 256. That is over 50 pounds lost and I am extremely happy with my progress. I feel better physically already. For instance, my feet, ankles and knees are no longer throbbing and my engery level is finally starting to increase. I know this is way too much info, but TOM is visiting me once again and that is an fabulous NSV for me, because I see my body is getting back to "normal."

With all of that wonderful news above, I still struggle with my body image. With the lap-band, as the weight fell off (my highest weight before the lap-band was about 330), I would look in the mirror and swear I saw each pound that melted away. I had a very positive outlook on my body image. I knew I was still a "big girl," but I was a "smaller big girl." Each size that I went down, I would jump for joy and go on another shopping spree! It was wonderful and exciting.

Now with the VSG, I can't say I am feeling the same way. I have lost over 50 lbs from my highest weight and I am down two sizes (depending on the cut), but when I look in the mirror, I just don't see the "changes." My closest family and friends have paid me compliments and I don't know how to respond, because I just don't see it. There is also a part of me that is skeptical to Celebrate my progress. It is like I am almost afraid to celebrate this part of the success, because when I started to put the weight back on with the lap-band, the dispair of buying the bigger clothes and hiding from cameras again as I gained the weight was overwhelming to me. It is like I have this annoying little voice in the back of my mind reminding me that failure is around the corner, so I best not celebrate or feel too good just yet.

I can't believe that my attitude is so different about my WLS this time around. I posted this for two reasons, I figured it would help me to get it off of my chest, but also to see if any other revisionistas ever had similar feelings. If you did, how did you deal with it? What did you do to turn that frown upside down?

I haven't gotten my surgery yet and can't help with that aspect, but I wonder. Are you working out this time around? And were you last time? I know for me that when I lose weight while exercising I feel so good about myself, and the fat rearranges itself. Just a thought.

Amy, Actually I really haven't. I joined the YMCA and went to a couple of Zumba classes. I have to create a workout schedule and stick to it. Also, I have not been back to work since the surgery. I took a few weeks off and then worked from home for a while. We were hit with Sandy the week before I was gong to return back to the office, but since my office is in the Financial District in NY, the building has been closed since due to damage. So, I am STILL working from home.

Long story short...I really haven't been getting the level of activity that I would normally get in, like walking to work from the Ferry and just moving around in general. I think you are right, I should defiitely kick up the activity level! That helps in so many ways. Just working out regularly puts me in a good mood! ;o)

T

I have struggled with similar weirdness. The lowest I got with the band was right around 200-205 range. I was feeling like I looked pretty good. When I got down to the 190s post sleeve, I felt huge.

To add to the confusion, here I am at about 178 and have a friend talking to me about when I plan to stop losing. I am like... I just barely left the obese BMI category! In her eyes, I have a big frame and I am looking close to the right weight. I don't see it, I see rolls of fat (and skin).

I am aware that I am experiencing dismorphia so I am doing a few things to work on my brain. I take pictures of myself as I am then able to be more rational. I was way fatter at 205 then I remember it being - I can tell from the photos. I was huge in the 300s but I can tell from the photos, I was way bigger then I felt. Now, I can look at photos and recognize I am way smaller then I feel.

I went jeans shopping a few days ago. I am a solid size 12 - non stretch, many different brands. It isn't a fluke. I do things like that to remind myself, I really am smaller. I try not to compare myself to others, but here is a positive way to do it. I am in a store, in the "regular" clothing sizes and I am pretty much in the middle of the pack size wise and probably on the smaller end for my age. My goal out of all this was just to become freaking normal, and when I do things like that, I am reminded I have acheived that goal - so that comparison to others just helps me see myself more realistically. Real middle aged women have lumps and bumps and need to wear shapewear... lol... it isn't just me!

I also focus on physical accomplishments. I have had so many of those, but most recently is I am doing pushups for strength training. Yeah, they are from my knees, but I can do 3 sets of 10. 300 pound me wasn't doing that.

I have made some peace with dismorphia and it has helped me to have some very trusted friends that I can talk to about it. They don't sugar coat, they are honest - and I trust them to continue to be a compass.

psssttt... don't tell, but I had a man who is a decade younger then me compliment me on my looks. It was a professional colleague who worked in a different location - had seen a recent photo but then said "your photos don't do you justice, you have such a beautiful smile" and then stopped since we are afterall professional colleagues. That little boost has kept me floating on cloud nine for about a week. I would like to bottle that feeling and send it to you in the mail right now!

Anyway, know that you are not alone and for some of us, it is part of the journey. I am dealing with it the same way as everything else - thinking about it, not stressing about it, but acknowledging the mental work I need to do... and then keep on keeping on!

Thanks CowGirlJane! I needed that little "talk". This has certainly been a journey from the day I decided to get the lap-band until now. It just feels much better knowing that someone "understands"! Thanks again!!!!