November 22nd was my one year surgiversary. I have been thinking about what to post, but could not do it. I am not at goal. I have not even lost 100 pounds. I have stalled the last 2 months. What do I have to offer others? Then someone asked me a question that made me look at the past year differently. The following is my story.

Goal...hmmmm..... so I have lots of revolving thoughts and feelings around that issue. My ideal goal is 150 pounds. That was my lowest weight ever at age 16 in 11th grade. I only stayed there about 6 months and that was by starving myself (no Breakfast or lunch), apple after school and small dinner so my mom wouldn't know I wasn't eating. I have little to no willpower and enjoy food too much for that to last long. So by start of freshman year of college, I was up to 220. I was active, ate whatever I wanted and rebelled against lifelong dieting. I gained 50 pounds that year. Then went on fen/fen and weight watchers and lost the fifty. I was around 225-230 for years, even through my first pregnancy. Then when I found out I was pregnant a second time, with a newborn infant at home, I crashed into a depression and ate my way through my second pregnancy. After that, although I came out of the depression, I decided dieting made me miserable and refused to diet, so I slowly crept up to my max weight of 299 (might as well have been 300). Then several things happened. Both my overweight and younger cousins were diagnosed with type ii diabetes. My mom had a heart attack, and a separate issue, almost lost her food to charcot's disease, a side effect of type ii diabetes. My father was diagnosed with type ii diabetes and myasthenia gravis. Both my parents were over 400 pounds, not even 60 and might not live to 65. Then my uncle, mom's brother died at 58 of a heart attack, also has type ii diabetes. I looked around and noticed most of the people in my family have serious medical issues by 45 and die before 60. Here I was almost 40, with edema, pre-diabetic, can barely walk up a flight of stairs, had to get off the roller coaster with my children because they couldn't latch the bar. So, I don't want to die, live next 10 years of my life with serious medical issues, and miss out on my children and future grandchildren's lives. I decided to have surgery. The stats say most people lose 60%. That would put me around 210. At 210, I can exercise, dress nice, feel good, and have a lower risk of health problems. I am overweight, but not obese. I can happily live with 210. So, I had the surgery. I was inspired by all those who lost sooooo much and got to goal in 6 months, 7 months, a year. Then, they got below goal. WOW. So, I thought maybe I can get to goal (150) too, but in the back of my mind, I thought there is no way. I rebelled. I don't want to diet ever again. Healthy is more important than skinny, so I keep saying to myself. I follow all the rules. But I am not careful. I eat what I want for the most part. Here I am one year later at 208-212 for the last two months. I have plateaued. I know if I diet and am really careful, I can easily lose more weight. I tried it for a week. It was not as hard as before, I lost 4 pounds quickly, and gained back 2 when I stopped. So, here's my dilemma: Do I diet and lose more weight? If I do, how hard will it be to keep it off? Do I like how I look now? Am I happy? Am I healthy? So, for now, I am going to be happy where I am with no food obsessions, eating what I like and feeling happy and healthy. I would love to be 150, but I don't want to fight for it. I don't want the depression and self-loathing that happens when I diet. I don't want to try and fail again. If I stay at the weight I am now, I feel successful and for the most part am fully happy and satisfied. But sometimes I feel sorry for myself and think "I am still fat." Fortunately those moments pass quickly as I enjoy my life, my children, my health, and shopping in the regular rather than plus clothes.

This is a life changing event. It forces you to see things about yourself that you never thought about before. Its not just about losing weight, its about redefining "self."

Thanks for all the love and support from my fellow sleevers, and I hope that my story can offer hope to those who are slow losers like me.

Hello neighbor! I live at Lake Tawakoni, not far from you.

First of all, congratualtions on what you have achieved! You have lost 90 pounds in a year, and kept if off for two months. YEA! What other program have you done that has given you those kinds of results?

Second thing, I would seriously re-think your ultimate goal of 150pounds. You couldn't maintain that weight at 16 years old without starving yourself, do you really want that as your ultimate goal? If you want to weigh less than you do now, talk you your doctor about what a realistic end goal would be. How much exercise do you want to do once you are at goal weight? How restrictive do you want to be with your goal weight eating? Talk to your nutritionist and tell them what you want to eat on a daily / weekly basis once you are at goal, and how much exercise you want to do. They can tell you what that calorie count range will be. Use this in helping set your goal weight.

When I was just past 30, I starved myself on Modi-fast down to 118 pounds - I wore a size six. I lived in the gym and ate as well as I could, but couldn't maintain that weight. Needless to say, 118 pounds is NOT my goal weight now. In fact, I am considering raising my goal weight from 135 to 140.

Try not to compare yourself with others. We all are different and our journeys to becoming healthy, happy normal weight people (not necressarily "skinny" people) are different. Best of luck to you. PM me if you would be interested in getting together.

Sharon

Thank you so much for sharing your story. You have lost 90lbs!!! Be proud of yourself!! I am a slow loser as well, have been on a stall for the past 6 weeks. I started walking again, and this week alone, i am down 3lbs. Just keep your head up, you are doing amazingly well. Talk to your doctor and see whats healthy for you. My goal weight is 125. Maybe it will change, maybe not. I think our bodies will tell us. I do enjoy food. And i do let myself enjoy the sweet stuff sometimes, in moderation. I don't deny myself what i like,because i feel like if i do, i will wake up one day and just splurge. If i allow myself in moderation, i don't feel as deprived. Hope that makes sense. Good luck to you! IMO you are doing great!!

Thank you both for the support.

As for a goal weight of 150 - that is what my doctor recommended, it would put me at the very highest end of "normal" weight. Realistically, I don't see it. I am happy where I am now. It would be nice to hit that 100 lost point and drop below 200. That would put me in a size 14, which would make me very happy.

I also think exercise is a big part of it. I have never been a sports person. I always tell people if they had special education for PE, I would have been in it. I have a very poor reaction time, poor coordination, et cetera. BUT... I am no longer embarrassed by it like I was when I was younger, and just laugh it off. So, after the holidays, its back to exercising... usually walking with my daughter, bike riding, or playing kinect with my children. I think that might give me the extra I need to lose another 10 pounds by March. And I will feel good, unlike how dieting makes me feel.

Hello neighbor! I live at Lake Tawakoni, not far from you.

Howdy neighbor

First of all, congratualtions on what you have achieved! You have lost 90 pounds in a year, and kept if off for two months. YEA! What other program have you done that has given you those kinds of results?

You are so right. I have never done this before, and I am very happy with my results.

Second thing, I would seriously re-think your ultimate goal of 150pounds. You couldn't maintain that weight at 16 years old without starving yourself, do you really want that as your ultimate goal? If you want to weigh less than you do now, talk you your doctor about what a realistic end goal would be. How much exercise do you want to do once you are at goal weight? How restrictive do you want to be with your goal weight eating?

I know My goal is really just to get below 200 (195 maybe), but when people keep talking about reaching their goal and falling below goal, I can't help thinking "maybe?" "Why can't that be me?" Like I said 150 is the top of my "normal" weight for my height. Am I destined to be "overweight?"

Try not to compare yourself with others. We all are different and our journeys to becoming healthy, happy normal weight people (not necressarily "skinny" people) are different.

I really try hard not to compare, but it is hard. A coworker had the surgery one month before me. She is the same height and about the same build as me and already has dropped to 140, wearing a size 8. The little kid in me throws a tantrum, jumping up and down screaming "its soooo not fair." The adult in me recognizes we are all different, and I made different choices. I am happy, but I can't help having occasional fairy tale dreams.

Best of luck to you. PM me if you would be interested in getting together.

Thanks Sharon, maybe after the holidays? It is a crazy time around here. Would you be interested in a walking partner?

Erica

Well hello there! I'm on the same boat as you are. . . do I love myself at 200 - 210 lbs or do I fight to get to 170lb? Well I love myself at 200-210lbs. . I mean, I've reached my doctors goal of 212lbs. . . so that in itself is a success. . . I can do everything i've always wanted to do ESPECIALLY ride horses and fit into the airplane seats. . . (those 2 things were the most important to me) I'm 6 feet tall and wear 16/18 now versus 28/32. . . i'm not much into clothing so i really don't care about that. . . but i feel and look good now and as my hubbie says, I look healthy. . . my only thing is i don't exercise, sure i walk about 1/2 mile every day and putter around the house etc., but really gut busting exercise? nope. . . so for my new years resolution, I'm going to get back into the gym and do it. . . i'm not going to change my eating habits at all, just exercise and see what happens after 1 month. I'll not weigh myself for that one month and just see if it matters any. . . if i loose, good for me, if not, well good for me too!

You have done excellent thusfar! Good luck and no matter what you decide, you'll do well. . .

During my pre-surgical consultation, my surgeon said that a LOT of people seem to stall out at the 200 lb mark, no matter what their starting weight. Not sure why that is, I know that I am at about 200 now and am a lot happier than I was 65 lbs ago but still want to keep losing. I'm not going to stress if my loss slows down during this holiday season as I am finding myself with a lot of the "old temptations" (holiday treats in the office, cocktails with co-workers to Celebrate, etc.) but intend to keep losing come the first of the year.

Ultimately you have to decide for yourself where you want to be, how you want to continue to use your tool, and what makes you happy. Thanks for sharing your story!