I'm thinking very seriously about obesity surgery and found this site as a part of my research. I would really like to get something done but my husband needs more convincing! He's worried about the risks of surgery, and also about the impact it'll have on our relationship - as eating out forms a large part of that!

I'm 35, 5'7" and about 248 lbs. I carry it pretty well, but I want to lose weight so that pregnancy will be easier, as we're thinking about having children over the next year or so. My family has a history of HUGE babies - I was 11lb 8oz:eek: and my husband was 9lbs, so I reckon any weight I can lose pre-pregnancy, has got to be a good thing.

I'll be paying for the surgery privately here - out free health service will pay for obesity related drugs, but not the operation.

I'd really like to hear off those of you who had resistance from your husbands/wives, and how you got around that, and got them to support you.....:help:

Many thanks

Eleda, London

Eleda--

My husband wouldn't even consider me having surgery....so I got all my ducks in a row and about 2 mos later I had all the statistics and information and asked him to please let me tell him what I'd researched! Also he'd watched me lose and gain...watched me cry about how unhappy I was w/ my weight!! He knew that if I stayed at this high of weight then I would probably get disease....have a heavy family history....all of these things convinced him!! :mad: He loves me and wants me around for awhile!!! Prayer also helped....

Love you,

Melody

Banded 3/20/06 -43lbs

Thanks Melody, I think that's a really good way of tackling it. I've been dropping little bits of information about it, but I think that because he doesn't want me to have it (cos he doesn't know much about it, partly) I think he hears this as nagging!!!

I notice from your profile that it's early days for you, but my goodness, you've lost loads already! On a day to day basis, how does this affect your relationship? Does your husband mind you not eating as much? I know that might sound like a silly question, but I've realised that a lot of our relationship is based around eating out etc, and I know he'll get upset if we got out, and I can't eat.

I did a very restrictive liquid-only diet last year, and lost about 35 lbs but have put it all on again. And during this time my husband said he'd be supportive, but then complained a lot whenever I couldn't eat or drink with him!

The surgery and the risks I can handle, but a grumpy husband is quite another trial!

Wow, this one is going to be tough. I can't speak from experience because my husband supported me from the beginning about having weight loss surgery. I think that if your husband requires you to eat the same types of food and quantity he does, the lap-band might not be a good choice for you. If he's not concerned about the quantity of food, or the type of food you eat then it probably won't be a problem. I eat with my husband, but I don't always eat the same things he does, and it takes me a lot longer to eat about half of what he does. You have to take small, small bites and chew, chew, chew each bite.

It might be time to consider couples counseling to find out why your husband becomes upset if he's eating and you're not. I do understand that spouses can become insecure about potential weight loss in their partners. Perhaps he's worried that you won't stay with him after you've lost your weight and have more confidence and energy than you do now.

If I were you, I think I would work on getting to the bottom of this eating-together issue with your husband before you go forward with surgery because your eating habits WILL change. They have to change to make a difference in your weight.

This is a tough one.

Welcome to LapBandTalk, please come back and tell us how it's going with you.

P.S. Love, love, love the UK. Matter of fact I was married there! I wanted to be married in England but you have to be a resident for 6 weeks to do that - so we 'ran away' to Scotland to be married. We wore Regency era clothing a la A&E's Pride and Prejudice, and were married in a beautiful Castle in Berwick-Upon-Tweed, Scotland. It's called Duns castle and it was used as Balmoral in the movie 'Mrs. Brown' with Judy Dench as Queen Victoria. Lovely movie, lovely castle, lovely wedding. Love the UK! Someday I'd like to visit during the winter just to see it dressed in snow!

Thanks Donna, that's an interesting perspective! I think I should add that we're both very stressed at the moment - we'll be moving house on Friday, :nervous to a new area 70 miles away from my husband's home town, and all his friends, and he's worried that he'll feel isolated, with a wife who doesn't feel like going out to eat much because of the banding. He said "at least if you were just on a diet you could have a blow out once in a while...." :phanvan

I think it's the permanency of it which is scaring him - it's not like I can have a night off from it, like you can with a 'normal' diet.

I also think that, seeing as he has about 100 lbs to lose, it sort of brings his own weight issues into focus, even though we've not really talked about that - it's all been about MY wanting to lose weight, not him.

I've assured him that when we move, if I have this done I won't become a hermit! I think he's also worried that if there are compliacations, then it'll be him that has to pick up the bits if I'm ill. I don't think he's bothered about me becoming more attractive etc if I lost weight - he says that's fine so long as I don't lose too much off my chest!!

I think I'll get this house move over with, let the dust settle and then revisit things in a couple of weeks, and in the meantime keep researching!

As for coming to the UK when it snows, the best time to be most sure of snow is February. Sadly, with global warming, and all the heat from buildings and cars, it doesn't really snow at all in London - or if it does, it lasts for less than a day. But certainly further north and Scotland get more than enough! I'm glad you had a good time here!:clap2:

If you have any further advice and thoughts I'd love to hear them!

(Like - Did it hurt? How long did you need to take off work for the operation etc? )Sorry to fire questions at you, and thanks for your comments so far!

Best regards

Eleda

Eleda,

You can go out to eat!! We now get one meal and share!!! If I want something different then we each buy a meal and mine lasts for 4 or 5 more meals sometimes!! Not a bad thing if it was tasty!! I only eat about 1/2 cup at a meal.....rarely snack anymore!! My husband has about 40lbs to lose I think we figured out?! This has helped him tremendously!!! I had to be on liquids the first 3 weeks so that made it a bit tougher for him... but he was great about it!! VERY supportive!! Good Hubby!!! If you sincerely share your heart and reassure him in his fears I believe he'll be more supportive!!!

It did hurt me honestly....but it was short-lived! If I needed to go to work I could have within a week....but I didn't need too as we moved and I took almost a month off!! Was really wanting to take about 6 weeks but my new boss was begging for me to come even quicker!! I hadn't told him I had surgery....I just told him I wanted some time off w/ family!! I truly enjoyed my time off too!! Even if I was moving about 600miles away!!

You mentioned my rapid weight loss!! I LOVE it!! I also work for it! I do have LOTS to lose....so not unexpected that I would lose faster I believe! I was totally not exercising before the band....eating terribly and basically eating myself to DEATH!!! So this was a HUGE motivator for me! We paid cash and I am not one to "waste" money....so am getting my money's worth in this band!!! I am now walking every day...2miles...not as many as some....but LOTS more than I was. I eat only 1/2 cup at a time....truly!! I have cups that I know what line is how much and I feel them to there.... usually can finish it....but sometimes (after my first fill last week) I can't even finish it!! I occasionally snack like a 1oz cheese stick....but that's only if my meal gets delayed (work) ....I eat usually every 4-6hrs. I'm not hungry in between....

Hope this helps!!

God Bless<

Melody

Banded 3/20/06 -43lbs :mad:

Thanks Donna, that's an interesting perspective! I think I should add that we're both very stressed at the moment - we'll be moving house on Friday, :nervous to a new area 70 miles away from my husband's home town, and all his friends, and he's worried that he'll feel isolated, with a wife who doesn't feel like going out to eat much because of the banding. He said "at least if you were just on a diet you could have a blow out once in a while...." :phanvan

The lapband isn't going to keep you from eating MOST foods. It gives you control to make better choices but there are plenty of blow out (blow it!) foods you'll be ABLE to eat - and unfortunately some of the BAD foods are easier to eat than the good foods. If you choose to eat unhealthy, fatty, high carb and high calorie food, you won't lose weight even with a lapband.

You'll still have to work at weight loss, the band isn't a miracle cure. What the band does is help you from binge eating. It's a tool that will help you maintain control of the quantity of food you consume. The biggest benefit is that it's much easier to choose better, more healthful foods if you don't feel like you're starving all the time. At least this has been my experience so far.

I think it's the permanency of it which is scaring him - it's not like I can have a night off from it, like you can with a 'normal' diet.

I also think that, seeing as he has about 100 lbs to lose, it sort of brings his own weight issues into focus, even though we've not really talked about that - it's all been about MY wanting to lose weight, not him.

Ahhhhh. Maybe he's worried that if you lose weight you'll push him to lose weight. Maybe he's not ready to make that choice yet. It could be that by having a band and losing weight you'll inspire him to lose weight. He may even consider being banded himself when he sees your results. There are couples here on LBT who have both been banded or are both following 'bandster rules' when it comes to eating. Sometimes people are reluctant to change because they don't want to have to change themselves. The thing is, everything in life changes. Almost daily. Better to make positive changes than to just move along with the current of everyday life.

I've assured him that when we move, if I have this done I won't become a hermit! I think he's also worried that if there are compliacations, then it'll be him that has to pick up the bits if I'm ill. I don't think he's bothered about me becoming more attractive etc if I lost weight - he says that's fine so long as I don't lose too much off my chest!!

I think I'll get this house move over with, let the dust settle and then revisit things in a couple of weeks, and in the meantime keep researching!

I think that's an excellent plan. Keep reading, keep seeking information. When the time is right, you'll know.

As for coming to the UK when it snows, the best time to be most sure of snow is February. Sadly, with global warming, and all the heat from buildings and cars, it doesn't really snow at all in London - or if it does, it lasts for less than a day. But certainly further north and Scotland get more than enough! I'm glad you had a good time here!:clap2:

I had heard that. I guess I'll have to plan a February trip and look around away from London, which is really what I want anyway. I've been to London twice so I'm ready to branch out a bit. Any recommendations?

If you have any further advice and thoughts I'd love to hear them!

(Like - Did it hurt? How long did you need to take off work for the operation etc? )Sorry to fire questions at you, and thanks for your comments so far!

Best regards

Eleda

The day of surgery was pretty rough but I had IV pain meds so it was manageable. I stayed one night in hospital and then went to a hotel the next morning (I had surgery in Mexico or I would have gone home). The 1st day back at the hotel I took one of my prescription pain meds and that was all I needed. After that I used liquid Tylenol PM which helped me sleep easier. On day 2 post-op my husband and I went to a local up-scale mall where we did some shopping - I bought a new handbag that I love! The day after that, we did some sight-seeing and shopping in Monterrey, then caught a flight home that afternoon. I took the Tylenol PM for a few nights and then I was fine. It really wasn't that bad honestly. The port wound was the area that hurt the most and for the longest - I'm almost 9 weeks post-op and the port wound stopped hurting about 2 weeks ago. I get a twinge every now and then if I've exercised for too long or if my waistband is pushed against it for too long. For the most part I've completely healed up and am feeling fine. As of today I've lost 27 pounds so far. 27 pounds in just under 9 weeks. Not bad. The best part is that I've never felt like I was starving or sacrificing - pre-op liquid diet notwhithstanding!

I know it's early days to think I don't have a struggle ahead but I feel like I can handle it when it comes. I feel like I'm in control for the first time in years. It's a great feeling.

There's a thread in the Support forum called "Scar Stages Share Yours!" you can see lots of post-op incision sites - mine included - so you can get an idea of what it looks like. There's also a forum called Lap-Band Complications. I recommend not spending too much time in the complications forum. It's a good idea to know what kinds of complications can occur, but if you stay in there for too long you'll freak yourself out. At least I did. The thing to remember is that most lap-band surgeons have a less than 1% - 3% complication rate - that means a greater than 97% 99+% success rate. Those are pretty good odds. Do your research, find a good surgeon and you should be fine.

Good luck. Keep in touch and let me know how you're doing after your move.

Eleda,

You can go out to eat!! We now get one meal and share!!! If I want something different then we each buy a meal and mine lasts for 4 or 5 more meals sometimes!! Not a bad thing if it was tasty!! I only eat about 1/2 cup at a meal.....rarely snack anymore!! My husband has about 40lbs to lose I think we figured out?! This has helped him tremendously!!! I had to be on liquids the first 3 weeks so that made it a bit tougher for him... but he was great about it!! VERY supportive!! Good Hubby!!! If you sincerely share your heart and reassure him in his fears I believe he'll be more supportive!!!

It did hurt me honestly....but it was short-lived! If I needed to go to work I could have within a week....but I didn't need too as we moved and I took almost a month off!! Was really wanting to take about 6 weeks but my new boss was begging for me to come even quicker!! I hadn't told him I had surgery....I just told him I wanted some time off w/ family!! I truly enjoyed my time off too!! Even if I was moving about 600miles away!!

You mentioned my rapid weight loss!! I LOVE it!! I also work for it! I do have LOTS to lose....so not unexpected that I would lose faster I believe! I was totally not exercising before the band....eating terribly and basically eating myself to DEATH!!! So this was a HUGE motivator for me! We paid cash and I am not one to "waste" money....so am getting my money's worth in this band!!! I am now walking every day...2miles...not as many as some....but LOTS more than I was. I eat only 1/2 cup at a time....truly!! I have cups that I know what line is how much and I feel them to there.... usually can finish it....but sometimes (after my first fill last week) I can't even finish it!! I occasionally snack like a 1oz cheese stick....but that's only if my meal gets delayed (work) ....I eat usually every 4-6hrs. I'm not hungry in between....

Hope this helps!!

God Bless<

Melody

Banded 3/20/06 -43lbs :mad:

That's really helpful, thanks tons! I'll show your post to my hubby and see does that help a bit. I'm sure he thinks I'll be sitting there, playing with a piece of lettuce, while he tucks into a steak! I know the reality isn't like that, but this kind of surgery isn't common here at all, so when I said I was thinking about it, he looked at me like I'd said I was going to get my lips sewn up! :speechles

I have to think about the time-off thing and it's reassuring to hear that you could have been back to work in a week. I get paid sick leave, but I don't know if that covers me for elective surgery, or just general unplanned illness. Hmm.

Thanks again Melody!

Eleda x

Thanks Donna! That really helps to put it in perspective. I'll show him your posts. I think the point you made about people resisiting change, is very interesting - we're going through major major change here - we got married 6 months ago, moved in together, I've changed job and now we're moving out of the area, and although I've moved house and job a lot, my husband really hasn't at all. He's friends with the same guys he was at school with, and to move away from them is a HUGE leap of faith for him, so me saying I want surgery, just seems to be one thing too many at the moment!!! Poor lamb! I've overloaded him a bit, I think!

As for places to visit next time you come to the UK, the Cotswolds region is so gorgeous it's breathtaking. It's full of cute little cottages, great pubs with open fires and lovely 'boutique' style hotels. Bourton-on-the-Water is my favorite - my friend bought the Manor House here and I love staying with her! They're only about 90 mins from Heathrow Airport (London) and they get proper snow, as you can see from the picture of the Christmas Tree!

Here's some links to keep you going till your next visit:

www.bourtoninfo.com/default.aspx

www.broadway-cotswolds.co.uk/bourton.html

By the way, the pictures of the River Windrush make it look like it's really deep, but it's only about 8"!! Very handy for cooling hot tired feet!

Thanks again for your comments and support, I'll keep you posted with my efforts! Off to bed now, it's 2.30am here!!!

Kind regards

Eleda

Hi Eleda - there aren't many of us Brits getting WLS! In fact, I am beginning to sound like an American because I spend so much time on US messageboards. Can't help with your problem as my husband very supportive but thought would contact you anyway! Am having my lapband fitted 22nd May in Winchester - £5,500 for everything inlc. 2 fills. Have you been on ObesityHelp.com? Excellent messageboard (make sure you go to the lapband forum or you find yourselves with the bypass people! Kate

Hi Eleda - there aren't many of us Brits getting WLS! In fact, I am beginning to sound like an American because I spend so much time on US messageboards. Can't help with your problem as my husband very supportive but thought would contact you anyway! Am having my lapband fitted 22nd May in Winchester - £5,500 for everything inlc. 2 fills. Have you been on ObesityHelp.com? Excellent messageboard (make sure you go to the lapband forum or you find yourselves with the bypass people! Kate

Blimey that's cheap! I've had quotes admittedly mostly from Central London for about £7800, and this includes follow up and some counselling. Which hospital is that?

Thanks for the link to Obesityhelp.com - I'll have a look and may see you over there!!!

Eleda, £5,250 covers everything except intial consultation. So - consult with dietician, follow up with dietician and consultant, all post and pre-op care, overnight stay, 2 fills. It is the Sarum Road Hospital, Winchester, part of BMI group so may be a BMI nearer you. Mr Bryne has not done hundreds of lapbands but has done a fair number (he is a gastro-enterologist) and trained with Dr Fielding in Australia who invented the current type of lapband. He is an NHS surgeon at Southampton General hospital. Kate