I have a 20 year old daughter. She has know me as 268 most of her life. She is 2 something not sure what but wears size 16-18.

She is very supportive and excited for me. However she is having a difficult time dealing with me fitting into the same size and smaller than her size.

I went out to et with her and my GF and her DD. GF is having the BP surgery in a few months and the first thing she said is I don't want you fitting into my size.

How do you handle this? Any of you who have been there I'd love to hear your experiences so I can learn how to help her go through what she's going through.

Boys are easier. My DS pokes me and say theres nothing to poke anymore, and thats about it.

Well, my daughter has a bit of a weight issue. She is 60lbs overweight at 12! I am very worried about her portions and the junk she eats. She is saying she has to lose her excess before I get all the way to my goal. She doesn't want me to be thinner than her, lol. If it a self esteem issue, it's hard, I still remember when I started wearing bigger sizes than my mom. It was devastating at first, but I adjusted and hopefully your daughter will too. Good luck

I don't have any children but I can relate from the perspective as being the daughter. My mom used to be a lot bigger than she is now; not morbidly obese but bigger. She is now about a size 12/14 (and also in her late 60s). When she was in about her mid 50's (I would have been in early 30s) her and my dad just completely changed their lifestyle and their habits and she ended up losing quite a bit of weight and has successfully kept it off (just leading a healthier life). Though I was always happy for her...deep down I was slightly irritated that my own mother was now a smaller size than me (and due to my constant weight gain she is now a MUCH smaller size than me). But I never let her know that so as not to hurt her feelings....it was just frustrating because no matter what I did I couldn't get the same outcome. We never talked about it though. (but we have never been super close). Once I had some medical issues diagnosed I felt better (in a sense) because I knew that I was fighting some medical issues that made it so much more difficult for me and it helped...having that explanation. She is aware of these issues and has always been supportive.

I would suggest you have a heart to heart with your daughter (if you haven't already) and tell her how you feel and that you don't look at this as a competition in any way and that you are doing it just to be healthy. You know, that you aren't getting any joy about getting into "Her" clothes size...that your joy is centered around being healthy. Plus you could gently remind her that if she can make some healthy changes to her lifestyle now (if that is indeed a problem) then she can make positive changes to and not have to be faced with such a hard decision like you were....etc etc.... Of course it all depends on how close your relationship is.

Good luck though, I know it can be a difficult thing. I wish my mom and I had been able to talk about it better back then but it was not to be. I still haven't told her about the surgery...but only because she is out of the country on a trip and I didn't want her to worry...I'll tell her when she gets back . I know she'll be happy & supportive of me (as much as she can considering she lives on the other side of the country from where I do).

Don't know if any of that helped...but that was my limited experience from the DD view!

What

Why don't both of you have the surgery? My mom and I were banded 3 weeks apart. She got restriction with her first fill, and it took me 4, so it was very difficult to watch her lose weight while she thought that I was stuffing my face.

Ok, I guess I'm not making a very good case for being banded together. We're much better now since I've started losing...and she's stopped since she enjoys 2 apple martinis a night.

But seriously, have you thought about doing it together? I get so angry when people say, "Why are you getting banded if you only have 60 lbs to lose?" Sixty is no easier to lose than 100. Even if your DD is only an 18, it will be much easier for her to lose the weight now than twenty years later when she may be heavier.

StrawartS, that's an excellent idea!

Sunsett, it sounds to me like your daughter is feeling pressure about looking bigger next to you. She's probably allowed herself to feel "OK" about her size because, after all, she's smaller than you. I wish I'd have had the opportunity to get banded when I was only 30, 40, 50, 60 pounds overweight. Look at all of the years of heartache I would have prevented!

My DH said to me when I told him that my GF and her DD and us were getting together for dinner. He said I hope you won't tell them they should have the surgery..errr...

I would say that she only has 30 pounds to lose. She is very tall and big boned. My fear is that she's thinking in the back of her mind well if I get big enough I can do it.

Thanks for your suggestions.

Thanks for the daughters perspective. That is very helpful.

Bottom line is She has to go through whatever she has to go through. When I encourage her to eat healthy and SLOW she gets upset with me. When I mention calories she gets upset. And of course I get upset to see her do what I did for so long. Talk about guilt!

i know this can be a really tough dynamic. at least you and your daughter have a similar experience with battling the weight. my mother is skinny and has been all of her life. she basically doesn't like to eat and is completely mystified that i enjoy food. she's that person drinking milkshakes at night to gain weight. she used to ask me 'aren't you tired of chewing yet?' as an 'incentive' to lose weight. it will prob be a difficult transition but i think it might be a great opportunity to figure out a lifestyle for the whole family in stead of you or her being the only 'dieter.' i know as a daughter i would have loved that!

I was banded 6 weeks ago and have lost 25 pounds already, 50 more to go. Gone from size 20 to size 16.

My older daughter 22 needs to lose 120 pounds. She is being banded in 3 weeks, she decided not to wait any longer on the insurance company so she got a Captial One Loan. She is very excited about the weight I have lost already.

I have a younger daughter 20 that has gained weight since high school. I took her to get her hair cut today. The hairdresser noticed I had lost weight. She ask my daughter what she thought about my weight loss. My daughter said it made her look bad, her Mom looking smaller then her. I was shocked! I had no idea she felt that way. She is shorter then I am and has bigger boobs and bigger hips then I do. She doesn't eat very much, but all she eats is junk. I try to encourage her to change her eating habits.

Dianne - another friendly suggestion. Your weight loss is going great. I'm not suggesting that you're doing this now, but there may come a time when you forget what it was like to eat without restriction. Bandster rules like eating slowly and chewing well mean nothing to someone who is trying to fill a bottomless pit of hunger.

I only tell you to tread lightly because of the way my mom acted when she started losing weight faster than I did. She became one of those stuck-up bandsters who seemed to have forgotten how she got herself fat in the first place. Before I was banded, I did not take kindly to people giving me diet advice. After banding, when I began to look at portion sizes differently, I, too have to stop myself from saying something like, "Are you REALLY going to eat that?"

There's a thread on here talking about how being banded is taking the easy way out. I won't say that, but I will say that it is easiER than dieting on my own. I would never encourage someone to lose weight with me who wasn't banded because it wouldn't be an fair matchup.

Again, all said with love, and please take with a grain of salt.

Dianne My daughter was banded on March 9th, and I was banded on April 20th, both by Dr. Ortiz. My DD is a low BMI patient (30 at the time of her surgery), but she began to see herself repeating my adult weight history. I've lost the same weight a zilion times - you know the drill. She at first said it was the "easy way out," until we began to talk and she started to research. She found out for herself what a gift the band could be to her future. As for your DD, I've heard that the strongest influence on any child is the same-sex parent. She sees herself in you. So to see you lose weight might appear to her to be a criticism of her, especially if you tended to be "eating buddies." I encourage you to talk with her. Ask her how she feels -- and support those feelings, whatever they may be.

Before I was banded, I did not take kindly to people giving me diet advice. After banding, when I began to look at portion sizes differently, I, too have to stop myself from saying something like, "Are you REALLY going to eat that?"

This was exactly what I went though... I was so sick and tried of my friends, family and co-workers giving me diet advice prior to the band. I just felt they didn't understand how hard I had tried in the past and I had "given" up.

Now i've already caught myself telling my husband "I don't see how you can eat that much food - yuck"... I'm going to try really hard not to say that anymore but it's hard because you really are just amazed they can eat so much and it seems so gross now. I keep repeating.. I have a tool they don't have.

This prompted me to think about my own situation. I have a 13 yo daughter, she is built exactly like me, looks like me and acts like me. She is about 5 foot 7 already and in a ladys size 11 shoe. I see her struggling already with food portions. She is always hungry just like I was. What do you do about this, I have tried things with her but she has seen me struggle with my weight all her life and now she is. Have I doomed her to a life like mine because she has the same genes? She is 176 lbs at 5 foot 7. I cant stand to sit back and watch her suffer like I did, yet I feel so powerless. There is not alot she can do, she has lost weight several times already and put it all back on and more. A band at her age is too young I think and I dont think she is responsible enough to handle the restrictions that come along with it...I also dont want her to suffer and be depressed for the next 20 yrs or longer before doing something about it. Sorry to hijack the thread but it really struck a nerve with me.

Back to the original question I am only a couple of kgs away from my daughters weight and she is so happy for me, but I see her when she thinks I am not watching and I see it in her eyes. When I try on her clothes and they fit me, stuff like that. I really want to help but honestly I dont know how, this is the only thing that has ever worked for me losing weight and with her being a clone of me wouldnt it be the same for her?

This just recently hit home at our house too. My 14 year old I think feels threatened by my weight loss (even if it has been slow). She recently announced she is a vegitarian...and she has given up soda. All of this in an effort to loose weight before I get to her size! She is 1/2 inch taller than me and in a size 13/14. When I told her I got a size 16 jeans on (I looked very bad in them still lol) she kinda of got upset and made the comment that she has to hurry up and loose weight before I get into her jeans. I'm concerned about her because she does get very emotional about her weight at times. I know how it feels to feel trapped by the weight, unattractive because of the weight...I still battle those feelings. Most of all I feel its my fault through gentics that she is even having the weight issue. My youngest daughter has the opposite problem of not gaining weight and not growing at a steady rate. So on top of my loosing weight we have constant conversations it seems about her sister being so petite. I think she feels she got the bumb rap.

Just whatever you do- DO NOT MAKE comparisons to "her" size. My mom was chunky when I was growing up, but at about 16 I passed her up. I'm also about 6" taller, but about 50 lb heavier.

I actually had friends of my mom's tell me when I was like 12 years old that if I didn't stop eating I would be wearing my mom's clothes. And my mom was a yo-yo dieter so I was always being compared to her, especially when she got smaller. And my mom tried to force the yo-yo diets on me.

The bottom line is- THIS crap plays serious mind games with you as a child/teenager/young adult. I got tired of everyone trying to control me by forcing me to eat tuna fish and salad so I would sneak cookies and milk shakes, etc. so that I could be in control of my body and no one else.

So this pattern of trying to "control" my life so that I wouldn't be compared to my mom got me where I am today- morbidly obese and trying to take back control of my own life.

NEVER NEVER give harsh criticism. The best way to help is to be a good role model. Don't buy the bad food and set good examples. Continue to point out her strengths and don't dwell on her weight. Invite her to exercise with you, encourage a team effort...but don't critique what your daughter eats, how she eats, etc.

She will see your success through your modeling and on her own she will decide that she wants to make the changes in her own life. If you force it or make comparisons to her about your weight loss, she may end up resentful or with further eating problems (I became bulemic).

I understand how easy it is to take the mindset that "if I can lose this weight, anyone can." But it's not true. We all had to get the point where we made up our own mind. It's really hard to be sitting on the sidelines while your mom and GF lose the weight, but you can't force her to do something that she's not ready to do yet.

:bananadoggywow: Kristin

My youngest daughter has the opposite problem of not gaining weight and not growing at a steady rate. So on top of my loosing weight we have constant conversations it seems about her sister being so petite. I think she feels she got the bumb rap.

Dragonwillow: I can relate to your eldest daughter. My sister (only 18 mos older) is 5'10" (I am 5'5") and she weight about 120 lbs. Our physical makeup is EXACT opposite. Growing up, I was the athletic one (always playing one sport or another) and she was a slug. I was always careful about what I ate (I didn't like desserts) and she would eat pizza after pizza and have bannana splits every night. Yet, I would gain and gain and she would forever stay slim and slender. It was frustrating because I did all the right things and she didn't. Despite sharing the same genetics, it really says a lot about metabolism. I would always beat myself up over it. Then, once I found out about my hormonal and chemical limbalance issues, it all made sense to me....but of course I didn't learn all that until I was in my 30s. Even today she is the same size she was at 14. The only thing I could "hold" over here was that I had boobs (& brains!!) whereas to this day she still can hardly fit into a trg bra. If it is an issue with your daughter, just try to explain to her that it isn't necessarily that she is doing something wrong.....it helps is she can understand the biological mechanics behind it all.

Whew, sorry...I just wanted to say I could relate to her!! LOL....

Good luck.

My younger daughter is the athletic one, and she doesn't really eat "big" either....so part of it may be her diet. She is VERY active and simply can eat more than her unactive counterparts. Our problem with her right now she is 6 and only 43 inches tall and 39lbs. So she is shorter than most of her peers and our friends are always commenting on it. They stay stuff like " Well she is just going to be petite" and "She is just going to be dainty". I know this stuff bothers my oldest because even at 6 she was solid. I say solid because I don't think she was overweight, just "bigger" height and weight...than her peers. She has made statements that she has always been fat or that she doesn't ever remember NOT being fat. I try to tell her she wasn't fat...and of course that gets turned around to me implying that she is huge now. As females we are totally sensitive to anything weight related that I think most of us totally over react to it. She is currently in the "i'm not weighing" stage. She has been a vegitarian for almost two months now...and I think she looks like she has slimmed down...and have told her so. Not only does my oldest seem to be very sensitave to carbs just like me...she doesn't enjoy any active type of activities. So it makes it harder on her since she is prone to gain weight easier I think than her sister...and then she isn't active either.